Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

History's greatest monster

While many vie for that title, no list would be complete without Robert Redford:
Something is happening all across the country. People are coming together and demanding new answers. A grassroots movement is gathering today to promote solutions, like renewable fuels, clean electricity, more efficient cars, and green buildings that use less energy -- all of which are exciting alternatives that rebuild our communities even as they cut pollution and create good jobs. And, when people come together to invest themselves in building a better future, we are not only helping to solve our energy crisis, but we are taking back our democracy itself.
And who are the fellow travelers in Redford's grand scheme to re-create America as this paganistic utopia?
In coming months, this campaign, which is based at the Center for American Progress and works with partners from the Natural Resources Defense Council to Consumers Union, MoveOn.org to the Apollo Alliance, will launch new challenges to our elected leaders, but it will also point to good work that is already going on all around the country.
Say no more. If these windbag Hollywood celebrities spent half as much time Supporting the Troops as they do badmouthing America, the Iraq war would already have been won (again), and Our Nation's energy crisis would finally be solved. Praise Him!

For whose benefit?

Since Jesus is leaving His job and starting grad school, I figured I'd make the collapse of Western Civilization work in my favor for once and add Him as a domestic partner for insurance purposes here at the Beauty Palace. Lord knows I certainly disapprove of the nancies mocking the family unit by playing house while bleeding my insurance company dry with their constant facelifts and pec implants, but if what Jesus and I have had to endure is any indication of what hurdles they have to clear in order to qualify, it may be slightly less of a problem than I imagined -- though I still object, vociferously, on principal.

In order to establish a domestic partnership, we need to (1) be living together - check! (2) be unmarried, be in a committed relationship, be at least 18 years of age, and not be related by blood - check! (3) demonstrate financial interdependence and provide proof such as a joint checking account -- check! (4) have lived together for at least 12 months -- damn, not quite. It's only been seven months that we've been living together. Jesus remarked that if we had known each other for two weeks and then got married, instead of dating for over a year before moving in together, we would be in the clear with all this legal stuff. Radical homosexuals like to complain that present marriage laws are discriminatory, to which I respond: They sure are -- AGAINST JESUS!

I know what you're thinking: "Why not just get married, Nancy Beth? Not only would you get plenty of swell merchandise for your trouble, but you'd also be in the position to monitor anti-Christian bias in publications like Martha Stewart Weddings and Modern Bride." Believe me, I'm tempted, as I'd love nothing more than to spend a weekend protesting the bridal registries at Macy's and Crate & Barrel, but if only it were that simple. Since Jesus presently lacks a corporeal body, the county bureaucrats (fiercely Democratic, pro-union, and singularly unhelpful to the one) could do nothing for us other than stamp "DENIED" on the applications we submitted in triplicate, and then refer us to the green line, only to scold us for not waiting in the blue line. Marriage isn't presently in the cards for us, at least not as long as government bureaucracies remain under the tyrannical control of organized labor, and sadly, neither is domestic partnership, at least not as defined by my insurance company. Not to worry, though -- Jesus will continue His coverage under COBRA, and in October, once we've lived together long enough in a manner pleasing to my insurance company, I'll go ahead and add Him. Praise Him!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

The Revolution will be manicured

Aside from this false alarm, my Christian cosmetology blogging beat has been awfully quiet lately. Not anymore:
Fake nails and women’s shoes were flying as a bloody claw fight erupted at a Dorchester salon after one primping patron allegedly screamed at a woman bantering in Spanish, “Speak English! This is America!”
Excellent work, Christians! Given Our President's reluctance to safeguard Our Nation's borders, a ladies' auxiliary of the Minutemen (the Minuteladies?) is eminently sensible. These colors, like our nylons, don't run.

This story prompted me to spend many hours in deep meditation reflecting on what sort of changes I would implement when I'm named National Beauty Czar. Here's what I came up with:

The affairs of all beauty parlor operations are to be conducted in English only.

The Ten Commandments will be prominently displayed in every establishment that is licensed as a beauty parlor.

All employees of the glamour trades will be required to take loyalty oaths wherein they swear to uphold the Judeo-Christian values upon which Our Nation was founded.

Cosmetologists who violate Biblical precepts of morality [you know, fags] will face disciplinary action, with repeat offenders ultimately subject to termination of their license and possible imprisonment.

Styling products imported from countries that knowingly allow terrorists to operate within their borders will be subjected to steep tariffs.

Practices that violate Biblical norms of decency, such as the waxing of ladyparts, shall be forbidden within the borders of the United States and its territories.

Reverse discrimination in the form of "ethnic hairstyling" (braids, weaves, etc.) will be subject to appropriate legal action.

That's all I could come up with for now, but feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments. Praise Him!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Show us on the doll where The Left touched you

Perhaps the most tragic legacy of The Left's desire to pervert Our Nation's youth is that the difference between the dolls your daughters play with and the inflatable kind perverts buy in adult bookstores is virtually nil. The primary culprit for this sad trend is of course the male doll collector, undoubtedly the most tragic form of homosexual presently known to man. Their voracious appetite for diminutive outfits and miniaturized accessories, coupled with the high level of expendable income that the contemporary homosexual elite enjoys, means that the nancies have strong-armed American toy manufacturers into producing some of the most offensive "toys" imaginable, regardless of whether they want to or not.

Fortunately, a group of parents is fighting back, although their anti-corporate motivations and lack of references to Jesus certainly make their intentions suspect. I reserve my judgment on the following:
On Monday the charges flew: They were called little "stripper dolls" that encourage children to "engage in eroticized play."

By Wednesday, Hasbro's planned release of "The Pussycat Dolls," a line of toys based on the all-female pop group of the same name, was canceled. ...

But for critics, the move is a major victory that could renew efforts by parents and other consumer advocates to challenge products they say devalue girls and women, even in the face of billion-dollar marketing machines.

"It's really important to know that corporations can be stopped; it really underscores the importance of people working together to stop commercial exploitation of children," says Susan Linn, the cofounder of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, which spear-headed a letter-writing effort with the national nonprofit Dads & Daughters. "[The Pussycat Dolls] was a ratcheting up of the kind of precocious irresponsible sexuality that is being marketed to little girls."
My suspicion is that the organization in question, Dads & Daughters, is a potential Al Qaeda front group, much like CAIR, since they are more worried that the premature sexualization of young girls will turn them into enthusiastic heterosexuals, rather than concerning themselves with the feminizing effects young boys would experience from exposure to the dolls. What else are we to make of these questionable parenting skills?

Believe it or not, but I don't think every liberal should be routinely dismissed as a raving moonbat. A few, like Joe Lieberman, Mickey Kaus, and the lovely Susan Estrich, actually make sense. Because I'd like to see the progeny of Christians and traitors alike play with toys that embody Our Nation's Values, I hereby unveil the following: My prototype (based on this Franklin Mint design) for a collectible Susan Estrich doll where she recreates Marilyn Monroe's famous pose from the Seven Year Itch. Remember, Christians -- Girlhood fantasies come true with Susan, so be sure to buy the Dream House, the Corvette, and the motorhome as well.

This goes out especially for the newest Nancy-Cons, who have bravely stood up for Freedom by adding me to their blogrolls: And many thanks to loyal Nancy-Con Rittenhouse Review for the tip. Praise Him!

Wild queendom

If any of you have ever pondered the seemingly incongruous alliance between America's metropolis-dwelling radical homosexuals and the environmentalist lunatic fringe, you're in luck. Loyal Nancy-Con Shryberman has connected the dots to show that the animal world has been completely overrun by the moral scourge of homosexuality. In this light, can The Left's sinister attempts to preserve ANWR be seen as anything less than a bald-faced attempt to create a staging area from which they can launch their assaults on Our Nation's Virtue? Absolutely not! Consider me a new fan of Habitat for Humanity, assuming it means razing America's vermin-infested wetlands & forests, and building morally cleansed condos and shopping centers in their place. Praise Him!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Friday random ten

Because I know you find the music Jesus & I listen to ever so fascinating:

Forever Yours - The Angels Of Light
Superstarfighter - Blumfeld
Watch Your Remours - Joost Visser
The Ballad Of John & Yoko - The Beatles
Viet Space Bong - Sun City Girls
Stereo Music For Acoustic Guitar, Bucla Music Box 100, Hp Model 236 Oscillator, Electric Guitar, And Computer - Part Two - Keith Fullerton Whitman
It's A Fine Day (Edit) - Opus III
Longing, Madness And Lust - Sally Timms
No Culture Icons - The Thermals
Intro - Janet Jackson

The war at home

Jesus and I went to our local Home Depot last night anticipating a leisurely evening of feeding the engines of Commerce that drive Our Christian Nation, but instead, we came face to face with the treasonous Left. While the actual shopping experience was unpleasant enough (the usual 20 minutes of fruitless searching, followed by 10 minutes of tracking down an employee to assist me), it wasn't until we tried checking out that we came face to face with the Enemy Within, or "Tricia," as her name tag read.

"I would like the military discount, please," I informed her.

"OK. I need to see your military id," she curtly replied. There was the faintest trace of an accent in her voice; perhaps Tricia is one of those light-skinned Muslims from Bosnia that I had been warned about.

"I'm not actually in the military," I replied, "but I do run a warblog. If you have internet access, go to h-t-t-p colon slash..."

"I need to see an id. Store policy," Tricia rudely interrupted.

"Look, Tricia, I don't know if you were in this country for 9/11, but if you had been, you would realize that it Changed Everything. We were all drafted that day, and given marching orders by none other than the Commander in Chief Himself to take vacations and buy new cars. I spend literally dozens of hours each week sitting in front of my computer, working on my blog. I've even been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder on account of my efforts. You certainly can't put a price tag on Service to Our Nation like this, but 10% off is a mighty good start." Your move, Tricia.

"They say you need an id. Do you want cash back?" Oh Tricia, such craftiness! However did Osama send you to America when you'd be so much more valuable at his side in the hinterlands of Pakistan?

"I don't think you understand me. Sure, our boys in the Middle East are doing a bang-up job. But they're only guarding mud huts out in the middle of nowhere. I'm fighting Islamofascism in America's schools and movie theaters, and securing the borders from wherever it is people like you come from."

"Oregon," she said. "You're going to have to take it up with the manager."

"Fine, I will. See you in Gitmo, 'Tricia.'" By this time, the dusky-skinned security guard who checks the receipts at the exit was confering with one of Tricia's fellow jihadis, and I certainly didn't feel like being the next star of Islam's Funniest Home Beheadings. So there you have it, Christians -- Home Depot, a viper's nest of sedition and treason, and your one stop shop for America-hating. Consider yourself warned. If I had Tricia's home phone number and address, I'd post it. Praise Him!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Kelo-brate bad times, come on!

Like most Patriots, I found last year's eminent domain fatwa by the grand ayatollahs of our Supreme Ruling Council most alarming. In short, they granted municipalities the right to seize whatever land they wanted on the behalf of The Left's most steadfast ally, real estate developers. It was a foreboding omen for Freedom, and now I am sad to see (via Prayer Warriors WorldNetDaily) that my worst fears have been realized: A city in California has used eminent domain laws to oppress Wal-Mart, one of America's most upstanding corporate citizens:
A San Francisco suburb voted Tuesday night to use the power of eminent domain to keep Wal-Mart Stores Inc. off a piece of city land after hearing from dozens of residents who accused the big-box retailer of engaging in scare tactics to force its way into the bedroom community.

The overflow crowd that packed into the tiny Hercules City Hall cheered after the five-person City Council voted unanimously to use the unusual tactic to seize the 17 acres where Wal-Mart intended to build a shopping complex.
My God, Pol Pot himself would marvel at such anti-Capitalist wiliness. I don't know what sort of Communist utopia the people of Hercules (wouldn't "Stalingrad" be more appropriate?) are trying to build, but in light of the many benefits a Wal-Mart store brings to its local community, as well as to its workers both here and abroad, they've really shot themselves in the foot with this one. Enjoy your death camps, Herculeans!

I have to admit I'm curious about what type of city would refuse to learn the lessons of 9/11 and go to such extreme lengths to keep affordable duct tape and plastic sheeting out of the hands of its citizens. But I think it's readily apparent. Its very name, "Hercules," conjures up nothing so much as beefy Greco-Roman wrestlers, their muscular torsos glistening with olive oil in the hot Mediterranean sun, groping each other's manparts before the altar of some half man/half animal pagan deity that President Bush warned us about in his State of the Union Address. This sort of thing may fly on the decadent coasts, but not my America. Praise Him!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Arabian bandstand

I don't know if the rest of you have seen the most recent issue of Time, but Osama's court minstrels, the Dixie Chicks, are on the cover, rather than on the FBI's most wanted posters where they belong. It Outrages me to no end that MSM lionizes these traitorous hussies as free-speech advocates, all the while engaging in Stalinistic purges of us true Freedom-lovers. But that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the threat America's musicians present to Our Nation. Maybe I've only become more aware of this trend, but it seems that Hollywood, having sensed that America wants its movie houses filled with wholesome fare that honors God & Country, would much rather wage jihad over His Country's radio waves. Here's my very own personal "mix tape" of the poison they're brainwashing our children's minds with lately:

Moby goes to bat for Iran: Over at his blog, radical Islam's favorite techno pioneer opines thusly:
i'm posting the letter that the president of iran recently sent to president bush.
apart from his anti-zionism he makes a lot of very salient and relevant points.
it's a long read, but it's worth taking 10 minutes to read what really is a very remarkable document.
my posting this letter here does not mean that i'm endorsing it, although he does make a lot of great points.
Yeah, well, people may think that Moby makes a lot of remarkable music, but in light of his eagerness to help destroy America (and capitalization in the process), I am most assuredly not endorsing it.

American Idol rigged by feminazis; America weakened: This uncredited Corner entry confirms something that I've long suspected: Hillary and her band of humorless Amazons will even tamper with American Idol's voting system to prove some asinine point about gender equality, and the resulting domino effect will ultimately cripple America's newly totally co-ed armed forces:
Consider it called. Kat will win and it will be a women's triumph over some nonexistent glass ceiling in the music industry.
When women sing, America pays the price. Please don't let these can-can girls destroy Our Country.

Madonna blasphemes God, lives in a 9/10 world: I haven't heard whatever album she's touring in support of, but if this is any indication, it's nothing but fatwas against Republicans set to slinky Eurodisco beats:
You want to really impress us with your “bravery?”

Take a hint from LC & IB Bill Quick.

Stretch your naked, skanky, aging body out on a crescent. Urinate on a prayer rug. Make a picture of yourself performing cunnilingus on a replica of the vagina of the black rock in Mecca.

You want to really turn yourself into an icon against established religion? You want to hear your name whispered in awe of your bravery? You want to become a crusader against dogma and the establishment? Go ahead, because there’s your chance. Stand up, just for once in your miserable, useless life, to something and somebody likely to actually strike back rather than shake their heads in pity.

But of course you won’t do such a thing. That would require actual bravery and, as we all know, the only “bravery” exhibited among the feckless, “progressive” cowards is the kind that doesn’t involve any actual, you know, risk.
I personally believe Madonna should engage in the ultimate act of bravery: pen nasty diatribes on her blog about celebrities who haven't tailored their stage acts to the liking of America's heroic warbloggers. From every mountain top, then, let Freedom ring!

Fortunately for us Christians, a movement is afoot to restore rock music to its original aims: promoting Faith in God and obedience to Authority. I for one am sickened by the rebellion being sold by these hooligans, and rock music, once so full of promise, has become another item on America's rap sheet that has diminished our standing in the eyes of the Almighty. The sooner it returns to its roots, the better. Praise Him!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The three faces of Nancy Beth

Look, I've got another blog I don't regularly post to. I took today off to have a minor exorcism at my doctor's, but I'll be back to saving souls through Christian cosmetology tomorrow. Enjoy, & Praise Him!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

If this doesn't warrant a presidential photo-op, nothing does

My fellow Christians, I am ecstatic to announce that we have turned yet another important corner in the GWOT, as I have handily won The Left's "All-GOP/Bush Administration Governance Expressed in Animated Dialogue" contest. As the career of Jonah Goldberg attests, the ability to readily quote your favorite Fox programs in the course of fourth-tier partisan punditry remains an essential component in the advancement of Freedom; clearly victory is within our grasp:
And 1st Place goes to our blessed Sister Nancy Beth Eczema, who gets bonus points from quoting from what could be my favorite Simpsons episode ever (Brother From the Same Planet), as Homer attempts to make amends to Bart for not picking him up from soccer practice:

Homer: I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too... I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out "who forgot to pick up who" until the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.

Well, Sister Nancy, get ready for some of the worst, most heathen songs in Christendom, and maybe some Christopher Cross.

This stunning admission of defeat from The Left exposes the hollowness of their anti-Freedom & defeatist ideology . It is only a matter of time before their tyrannical house of cards collapses and we see the Arab street swelling with Protest Babes clamoring for People Power. Just don't expect MSM to report any of this. Praise Him!

Friday, May 19, 2006

I'm going down swinging

I'm sure the rest of you are feeling the same way, but it's become hard to advance the cause of Freedom through blogging lately. My Prayer Warriors are in open defiance of Our President, an unfortunate event that seems to be replaying itself throughout the blogosphere. The effect has been more traumatizing than watching your alcoholic grandparents argue over who's responsible for cleaning up the latest turd in the dishwasher. The bottom line is that I'm having tremendous difficulty reconciling the moral clarity of my Prayer Warriors with the bold policy initiatives of Our President; perhaps I am but the latest blogger on the Right to be afflicted with PTSD. I wonder to myself, Can't things be how they used to? O Brothers! Let's go back to fighting the real enemy in the Global War on Terror: Democrats.

How did it all come to this? What could turn a Christian Nation against its President like this? Was there some diabolical scheme to discredit Conservatism while destroying America through six years of Republican incompetence? I think we all know the answer to this, and I don't see how that Hillary Clinton can even sleep at night.

Despite my pessimism, all is not lost. A source of tremendous solace throughout this whole ordeal is the knowledge that the Democrats will fail to connect with voters by refusing to run candidates with the message of common sense and competency. I also find strength in Family -- the Cheney family, to be exact. Dick & Lynne's tortured acceptance of their daughter's perverted lifestyle is matched only by Mary's willingness to earn their qualified and conditional love by selling her lesbo friends up the river. I can't think of a more healing model for Our fractured Party to follow than this, so let's all give thanks to The Lord for Mary's recent book deal which Illuminated all of this.

In appreciation for this valuable example of the power of Compassionate Conservatism, I present this beautiful untouched proof from the photo session that produced the cover of Mary's book:

I dedicate it to the newest Nancy-Cons, those Freedom Lovers who have answered Valour's call and added me to their blogrolls, even during this turbulent time.
History will look kindly upon you. Fight proud, Christians. Praise Him!

[Saturday a.m. tinkering, for those of you who care about such matters.]

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Big Pharma to America's girls: "Whore it up!"

Like most Americans, I'm absolutely sickened by The Left's attempts to compromise the chastity of Our Nation's youth. The onslaught of late has been fierce, with the Darwinists' enthusiastic endorsement of bestiality, the homosexuals' posthumous recruitment of great Americans like Walt Whitman and Langston Hughes into their perverted ranks, and the relentless campaign by the horny she-wolves of America's public schools to deflower every male student by the time he turns 11. Sadly, we can now add the pharmaceutical industry to those gunning for America's collective ladyparts, as they are trying to induce America's pre-teen girls into spreading it like peanut butter:
Giving girls as young as 9 a first-ever vaccine that blocks infection by four types of human papillomavirus could slash global deaths from cervical cancer by more than two-thirds, Merck & Co. officials said Thursday in seeking federal approval.

The vaccine, called Gardasil, protects against the two types of human papillomavirus, or HPV, believed responsible for about 70 percent of cervical cancer cases. It also protects against two types that cause 90 percent of genital wart cases.
As if a woman who engages in recreational sex deserves anything less! How do liberals expect Our Nation's children to gain an adequate appreciation for the beauty of human sexuality if they insist on sheltering them from the consequences of their filthy deeds? This is the nanny state on Spanish fly, with a Rohypnol chaser, chained to her bed, and with a ball gag in her mouth. Disgraceful!

This act of debauchery comes shortly after the perverts at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists decided in their great "wisdom" that America's womenfolk aren't promiscuous enough. Evidently the risk of unwanted pregnancy is somehow stifling the little enjoyment women may actually derive from the act of sexual congress, so ACOG has decided that the best course of action is to allow them to pop abortifacients like Tic-Tacs, so they can better chase the O. Well, good luck finding it, harlots. Just remember that through your incalculable wickedness, you're inviting another tragedy along the lines of 9/11, if not worse, upon America. Praise Him!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

A haven for the homely

Islam may declare itself the "Religion of Peace," but "religion of frumpiness" may be a more apt description. Many thanks go to Prayer Warriors Little Green Footballs, who provide the translation of a Swedish article about how the women of Old Europe are embracing suicide bombing, rather than using makeup to overcome their spiritual inadequacies:
They convert to protest against the fixation with looks in our modern society. The tougher living conditions for women, who are supposed to both have a career and do the housekeeping, play a part, too. Many of the women feel that their lives lack a sense of purpose, but Christianity does not seem like a relevant alternative to them.
Is there a more horrible circle of Hell than the one reserved for these cosmetological cut & runners who couldn't hack their basic duties as Christian women? I dare say not. I certainly understand the temptation of saving three hours every morning by throwing on an old burka, rather than performing the elaborate beauty rituals of my Faith. But as Scripture tells us, we mustn't hide our candles under bushels. For if we do, then the terrorists have truly won. Praise Him!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Because I just hate showing up empty-handed

My workplace persecution was particularly fierce today, Christians, and my menial and degrading tasks kept me away from my computer for most of the day, thus the paucity of blogging. In fact, the only spark of blogging excitement I had came when I heard on the radio that Kirstie Alley was quitting her position as a member of the Dutch parliament and joining the American Enterprise Institute. "In your face, Sean Penn," I thought to myself, and tonight's blog entry about the courageous fight of Hollywood's latest renegade practically wrote itself. Unfortunately, the past two hours of intensive searching for a source -- any source -- to verify this have been absolutely fruitless. If anyone has any tips, please get in contact.

[UPDATE: Nevermind, it was Ayaan Hirsi Ali. It's good news, I guess, but these Muslims tend to start hating Freedom once they get a whiff of its heady fragrance. But I'm sure she'll feel right at home once she settles into the AEI.]

Because I know that Freedom requires many Sacrifices, and because I've got nothing else, I would like to honor the committment of those who gave all and recently added me to their blogrolls: In appreciation of your selflessness, I hereby present you with this lovely Michelle Malkin toilet paper cozy, who will safeguard your precious Charmin from jihad-waging illegal aliens and their sympathizers in the MSM with her trusty M16. Load, lock, & roll, Michelle. Praise Him!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Sister Nancy Beth's fragrant sachet of Salvation

There's a lot of comment-worthy stuff out on the internets today, so for your edification, I have lovingly assembled this aromatic potpourri from bits of Christian-themed news stories:

MSM misses the point -- again. Usually the news that wayward hikers would never again risk freezing to death would be greeted with the jubilation it warrants... except for when it allows for the typical "global warming" bleating from The Left:
Mountain glaciers in equatorial Africa are on their way to disappearing within two decades, a team of British researchers reports.

Located in the Rwenzori Mountains on the border between Uganda and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the glaciers will be gone within 20 years if current warming continues, the researchers report in this week's online edition of Geophysical Research Letters.

The researchers blamed an increase in air temperatures in recent decades for contributing to the decline of the ice fields.

"Recession of these tropical glaciers sends an unambiguous message of a changing climate in this region of the tropics," said lead researcher Richard Taylor of the University College of London, Department of Geography.
Yawn -- more moonbat hysterics. Smarter monkeys, please.

America lessens its reliance of foreign perfumeries. For too long, America's glamour trades have been held hostage to the whims of Old Europe, whose best interests frequently run in direct opposition to our own. Fortunately for us, you can now tell Jules et Jacques to take a hike with every tantalizing spritz of this new Freedom Fragrance:
It's one of the most unique smells around. And now you can wear it.

Hasbro is continuing its celebration of Play-Doh's 50th anniversary by releasing "Eau de Play-Doh," a perfume designed to smell just like the kids' modeling clay.
While I myself would have chosen a different aroma (Crawford brush, for instance) to kick off our new Boston Tea Party, I eagerly look forward to the full suite of Play-Doh beauty products, such as body lotion, dusting powder, and the free tote bag with any $35 or more purchase.

Republicans get serious about governing. Our Nation's leaders have spent the past few month's chasing their tails in response to every baseless accusation the Democrats can fabricate about Iraq, warrantless surveillance, corrupt lobbying, & inflated gas prices, but they're finally ready to do We the People's important business:
Next month, Congress is expected to address social conservatives' concerns with a vote on a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. An anti-flag-burning amendment also is on the calendar, along with bills that would ban or limit stem-cell research. Other issues important to social conservatives include banning Internet gambling and prohibiting the transfer of a minor across state lines to obtain an abortion unless her parents approve the trip.
A little talk about allowing prayer in school and declaring Ronald Reagan's birthday a national holiday wouldn't hurt either, fellas.

Karl 2.0. Loyal Nancy-Con Lulu Maude is a true patriot whose love for Our Nation's Children would put this adorable dolly in every family's* home. "My name's Talking Tina, and I'm going to disclose your NCO status."

And on a more personal note, that Mother's Day bloodbath I was predicting yesterday never happened, thank God. Instead of being disemboweled on Satan's bloody altar to the sounds of Heavy Metal music, my family had the usual conversations about movies we had recently protested, television shows we were monitoring for anti-Christian bias, persecution we were suffering at our respective jobsites, Jesus' grad school plans, my alluring patella strap (I kittenishly wore shorts, and they merely added to my dishiness), and the litter of kittens my brother's 9-month old cat just had -- personally, I blame Britney Spears. And if any of you reading this were in Glendora and heard someone making farting noises into a karaoke machine, that was my nephew. Praise Him!

*as Traditionally defined, of course.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mothers Day

And watch out for demons:
A mother said ``demons'' told her to kill her 9-month-old baby and stab her 3-year-old daughter, seriously wounding the toddler, police said Saturday. ...

It was not immediately known if Hernandez was taking any medications or had a history of mental illness, he said.
Personally, I find this "mental illness" line of speculation irrelevant, as the demon has all but confessed. However, The Left has so debased the institution of Motherhood that any opportunity to turn her into a Victim will suffice. Given my own family's consumption of cable television and lackadaisical Church attendance, it'll be a wonder if our Mothers Day clambake doesn't turn into a similar bloodbath. Wish me & Jesus luck.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Ask the angels

Nothing pleases me more than receiving inquiries from Christians seeking a closer relationship with God, as it assures me that my Ministry of bringing the Gospel of Glamour to the masses is taking root. In the comments, Dom asks:
I'm wondering sister, the eyeshadow I wear is starting to disturb my wife. Can you suggest a manly color.
With pleasure! I'm in a bit of a hurry this morning, but let me demonstrate the theological marksmanship that put me in the top 85% of my GED correspondence course (which was, sadly unaccredited). By going to bible.com and searching for "eye man shadow" (King James Version, of course), you get one result, Genesis 19:8:
Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.
You're in luck, Dom, because Scripture is rarely so unequivocal. Judging by the reference to the roof, The Lord is clearly instructing you to use Jane Iredale's slate brown eyeshadow, whose lustrous patriarchy-asserting cocoa highlights will have your wife begging you to beat her and give her 14 children. Praise Him!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Stop wildlife welfare

I've spent all morning trolling the internets looking for something to get Outraged about. I was afraid I'd come up empty-handed for you fine folks, but trusty Prayer Warrior CNSNews delivered in spades. According to them, today is Endangered Species Day, another Hallmark holiday trumped up by The Angry Left to bash Our President, impede economic growth, encourage vulnerability to terrorist attacks, and otherwise hate America:
Today, schools, libraries, museums, zoos and other organizations will "educate the public about the importance of protecting endangered species and highlight the everyday actions that individuals and groups can take to help protect our nation's wildlife, fish and plants," the coalition said in a press release.
Given the treasonous allegiances of America's schools, libraries, museums, and zoos, I have little faith that this will turn into anything but another Paul Wellstone/Coretta Scott King pep rally, where liberals, in their unhinged hatred of President Bush, trample over everything that makes Our Nation so special in the eyes of God. As you can see, my suspicions are not exactly baseless:
The group is urging Americans to "provide habitat for wildlife in your backyard"; write a letter to the editor about protecting endangered species (a sample is offered); thank lawmakers for supporting the Endangered Species Day resolution; sign a pledge to support the Endangered Species Act; and take a field trip to a local park, zoo or other endangered species habitat or event in your community.

"With over 1,800 species worldwide now listed as threatened and endangered, and thousands more threatened with extinction unless they are protected, every such public education effort is greatly needed," the coalition said.
Plenty of species seem to do just fine without this sort of mollycoddling, thank you very much, so let's just call this what it really is: an affirmative action program for those no-account species who can't pull their own weight. Liberals are forever working themselves into a lather about corporate welfare, handouts to big business, and cronyism in the Bush administration, but I've yet to see them so much as acknowledge the undeserved handouts being given to the shiftless birds & plants who make up the ranks of endangered species. Until spotted owls, black-footed ferrets, et al., start giving back to the country, rather than living off the public teat, The Left has once again shown the shortcomings of their infantile "reasoning."

Luckily for us, the moonbats haven't been able to silence all dissenting voices:
Wait a minute, says the National Center for Policy Analysis, which believes that "bureaucratic wrangling" prompted by the Endangered Species Act has endangered both animals and people.

CPA Senior Fellow H. Sterling Burnett says private property owners should be provided with an incentive to "create, enhance and improve habitat for endangered species," since 75 percent of those endangered species depend either entirely or in part on private property owners for their habitat requirements.
And what better way to enhance the quality of life for endangered plants & animals than by building gas pipelines and desert resorts for them to enjoy? It's time to let America be America again, as France's most recent candidate in our presidential election said, so let the Glorious engines of Commerce chug away. Praise Him!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Kill a caribou... for JESUS!

One thing I have come to accept in my Crusade to advance Freedom through a Scripture-based approach to cosmetology is that my struggle will take many strange and unexpected turns. The Left employs a multitude of nefarious agents and underhanded tactics in its global jihad against Beauty, and I never know what I'll see squirming beneath the rocks I've lifted.

Today's startling discovery comes via my Prayer Warriors at Human Events, where we learn that the anti-Glamour forces are conspiring with environmentalists to rob us Christian women of the makeup we so desperately need to get right with God. For you see, dear readers, petroleum is an essential component of most cosmetics, but to the moonbats, petroleum is merely a globe-choking toxin whose profits prop up corrupt dictatorships here & in the Middle East. What. Ever. Anyway, Rabbi Aryeh Spero lays it all on the line:
What political debate more than any other today tests one's belief in God and the Bible? Reciting "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance? No. The display of nativity scenes during Christmas season? Still, no. It is our drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. For this issue boils down to whether we place real human needs over the lifestyle patterns of animals, in this case, the caribou. It revolves around the fundamental biblical assertion of where God placed human in His cosmic design.
Praise Him! I can only remark on how sad it is that Our President must fight the forces of Islamofascism not only in the Middle East, but also in His own country... and even among purported members of His own Party of Life. Disgraceful!

Sadly, not all of God's messengers recognize that the fate of Christendom hinges on expelling Satan's filthy packmules out of ANWR and drilling there for oil. A rather troubling development has been that great Jezebel, radical environmentalism, has seduced some of our clergymen into her Christless religion of Gaia, and they have begun doing her dirty work. Says Rabbi Spero:
That there are scores of ministers, rabbis and priests, as well as church and synagogue organizations, behind fanatic environmentalism is, also, nothing new. History is replete with "false prophets" and "religious" organizations who were co-opted by forms of paganism, who defied the explicit Word of God for a new, higher calling. And, naturally, they wrapped their "theology" in holiness.

The drilling in Alaska issue attests to how important the Judeo-Christian ethic is to America. The authentic version, that is. For absent a mindset rooted in it, deranged outlooks prevail. Absent it, vacuums are filled with dangerous nonsense that prioritizes a spotted owl over humankind and chooses a herd of caribou over American life and survival.
This moral rot within the clergy is but the tip of the iceberg. Already, the forces of Evil are gnawing away at the Christian foundations of Beauty. This month, Elle* has a feature on 35 organic beauty products women should buy, a move that will turn countless young Christians into toga-wearing druids who worship oak trees, casually engage in anal sex, and vote a straight Democratic ticket. America has seen too much of Her greatness slip, so it is of paramount importance that we use whatever resources we as a Christian Nation have to secure sufficient oil reserves -- both here and abroad -- for Jesus' sake. Praise Him!

*The conspiracy widens: It turns out "Elle" is a French word! Christians, if nothing shows you how tightly woven this demonic scheme is, it's this.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Katherine the Great

Despite their lack of influence over any of the three branches of the federal government, their ineffectual national leadership, their minority of states' governorships, and their absence of credibility with the voters, The Left still manages to pull off some astoundingly cunning feats. For instance, they've recently persuaded Jeb Bush(!) to drink from their poisoned chalice of debauchery, degeneracy, & defeatism, and denounce St. Katherine of Tallahasee:
Rep. Katherine Harris tried to elevate the mundane business of filing the paperwork to run for U.S. Senate into an event Monday with cheering supporters and TV news crews.

But fellow Republican Gov. Jeb Bush upstaged her with his harshest comments to date on her struggling campaign to unseat Democrat Sen. Bill Nelson in November.

"I just don't believe she can win," Bush said of Harris. "Most of the polls I see show her down by 30. She's not had any, gained any traction."
Since when did that make any difference, especially in Florida? For heaven's sake, Jeb, she's a shoo-in. Have some faith in the electoral process!

I've made no bones about my undying admiration for Katherine. Her take-no-prisoners approach to cosmetology and running elections certainly invoke the ire of the America-haters, but without either of these fine attributes, America wouldn't be experiencing its present Golden Age... an age undoubtedly foretold by Scripture! If anyone should know this, it's the brother of Our President. If this sort of fashionable Bush-bashing by proxy continues, we conservatives will have to throw yet another fair-weather conservative out of the lifeboat, too. Wise up before it's too late, Jeb. Praise Him!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Sister Nancy Beth's sweet sixteen...

... times 2.1875. Greetings, Christians! Today was my 35th birthday, so I decided to play hookie from blogging as well as from work. Ditching work really was the wisest course of action to take, since it spared Conchita from having to make her insincere yet obligatory birthday wishes, and it spared me from having to receive them. Anyway, once I'm back at work, I'll resume documenting the persecution I must routinely endure there on account of my Faith. In the meantime, enjoy a luscious slice of Freedom Cake, and welcome the newest Nancy-Cons, for they are the very lifeblood of Freedom. Praise Him!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Friday Random Ten

No unexpected unifying theme this week -- maybe next.

Joed Out - The Verlaines
The Message Bearer (Hoi To Irkil Fa Giu) - Hamza El Din
The Stars Of Track And Field - Belle & Sebastian
Red Shift - Sex Clark Five
I Was A Prisoner In Your Skull - Swans
Surfboard - Antônio Carlos Jobim
A Shade Shady (Now Prance) - RuPaul
Relevation - Opal
Freezer Burn/ I Wanna Be Your Dog - Sonic Youth
Tariners antsan (The Years of My Youth Have Gone) - Djivan Gasparyan

Doomsday nears, so you better get your nails done

Enough events have transpired over the past few weeks to make an update to the Rapture Index absolutely imperative. By now, my loyal Christian readership knows that recent news items about cosmetology can be interepreted to more accurately gauge the Rapture's arrival than, say, disembowling a chicken, and these results are then used to handicap the main Rapture Index. After diligently surveying the stories on this topic, my advice to you is this: It's time to think about scheduling that next cut & color at that unisex beauty palace in the sky.

MSM targets pedicures: When the old guard of Liberal Media goes after one of the most beloved rituals of personal grooming, you better believe the end is near. This New York Times hatchet-job is premised on the following "facts":
The issue of nail salon sanitation became national news when the "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul had her thumbnail removed in 2004 after contracting an infection she said she got from a manicure. Forty percent of women say they get pedicures at least occasionally, according to the market research firm Mintel International Group, yet little is known about how often infections from nail salons occur. ...

Customers can potentially pick up athlete's foot, warts or yeast infections, or even, possibly, H.I.V., hepatitis C, or staph infections if salons do not disinfect equipment properly, Dr. Rodan said. ...

Dr. Winthrop was with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2000 when he investigated a mycobacteria outbreak that left more than 100 women in northern California with boils on their legs that took months to heal. He traced the bacteria to the whirlpool footbaths in a single salon. California, Texas and Arizona now require salons to clean the suction screens within whirlpool footbaths, where bacteria may accumulate.
Where's John Stossel when you need him? Out of the millions of Christian women who get pedicures, we've got about 100 women (plus Paula Abdul) in California who are suffering from some mysterious skin ailment? I suppose allowing for the possibility that this plague is Divine retribution for their sinful coastal lifestyles would violate some esoteric NY Times journalistic policy about stating the obvious, but there you have it. My guess is that the Old Gray Hag saw that Our President's poll numbers had softened slightly, and figured now would be as good a time as any to bash nail grooming. As The Mustachioed One would say, "Give me a break!" Increase Rapture Index by 3.

Christian teens persecuted for highlights: This one comes via loyal Nancy-Con Shryberman. Not only does The Left restrict expressions of our children's Religion by prohibiting them from wearing Christian-themed t-shirts, they also deny them the right to practice their faith by highlighting their hair:
An eighth-grader was taken out of class Tuesday because of her hair coloring, KMBC-TV in Kansas City reported.

An administrator at Bueker Middle School said the girl's red highlights were distracting to other students.

School officials said there is a rule at Bueker that hairstyles that are distracting to the educational process are not allowed.
The liberal media outlet reporting on this went to great lengths not to identify our young martyr as a person of Faith, but read between the lines. Parents, if there's ever any reaon to homeschool your children, this is it. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

Cosmetics used in perverted Multicultural sex cults: I have to give The Left credit for their ingenuity. Just when you think they've debased God's majestic gift to us fallen daughters of Eve in the filthiest way imaginable, they manage to outdo themselves:
A male police officer could lose his job, officials say, after he appeared on television in a yellow dress with dark red lipstick and matching nail polish.

Devendra Kumar Panda, an inspector general in the Uttar Pradesh state police, is now the subject of a behavioral probe by state officials, authorities said Tuesday.

Panda, 57, believes himself to be the reincarnation of a lady consort of the Hindu amorous god Krishna and claims he's doing nothing more than exercising his freedom of religion.
Look, dude, if you want to exercise your Christ-less "religion," why not just shake a tambourine on a street corner somewhere, but LEAVE MAKEUP OUT OF IT! Increase Rapture Index by 5.
Trial Lawyers cannibalize cosmetics industry: Not literally, as far as I know, but the vultures of The Left have decided that, in the end, picking the last bits of carrion off the carcass of the Beauty Industry is more important than implementing their utopian scheme of socialized glamour:
A bitter legal brawl over attorneys' fees has erupted in a national cosmetics pricing class action lawsuit, with feuding camps of plaintiffs' lawyers slinging allegations of flagrant billing abuses and extortion. ...

The conflict stems from a settlement an Oakland, Calif.-based federal judge approved last year to end long running litigation over claims that department stores and cosmetics manufacturers conspired to prevent discounting of lipstick, blush, and other beauty counter products.

Under the deal, consumers would benefit from a nationwide giveaway of free cosmetics with a retail value of $175 million and lawyers for the class would receive $24 million from the defendant companies to cover the costs of pursuing the litigation.

The new round of legal infighting was sparked when attorneys who challenged aspects of the settlement asked to be awarded $3 million of the $24 million set aside for plaintiffs' lawyers in the case. The lawyers who negotiated the settlement strongly opposed awarding fees to the objecting attorneys.
Could there be a starker example of the need for tort reform? I dare say not. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

Ninth Circuit rules against compulsory lesbianism -- for now: Fortunately for those of you who aren't quite ready for the Second Coming, the following might give you a little time to get your affairs in order. I had noted this story a while ago, and since it involved the Pledge-hating imams of the Ninth Circuit, I predicted the worst. However, in a rare display of common sense, the judges found (more or less) that beautification rituals are in keeping with the Judeo-Christian principals upon which Our Nation was founded:
Darlene Jespersen sued Harrah's after she was fired for refusing to comply with an appearance code instituted in 2000 that required women to wear makeup -- despite a 20-year record of exemplary employment at the casino. She argued that the requirement placed an undue burden on women employees and said it cramped her style.

Writing for the majority -- which included three of the four women on the panel -- Chief Judge Mary Schroeder said Jespersen failed to prove that putting on makeup is any more of a hardship for women than a short-hair requirement is for male bartenders.

"We respect Jespersen's resolve to be true to herself and to the image that she wishes to project to the world," Schroeder wrote. "We cannot agree, however, that her objection to the makeup requirement, without more, can give rise to a claim of sex stereotyping under Title VII. If we were to do so, we would come perilously close to holding that every grooming, apparel or appearance requirement that an individual finds personally offensive, or in conflict with his or her own self-image, can create a triable issue of sex discrimination."
Amen. It's time for the enemies of traditional values to accept that the daily application of cosmetics is a civic obligation incumbent upon all of Our Nation's womenfolk. When the day comes that the courts rule otherwise, the terrorists will have won. Decrease Rapture Index by 2. Praise Him!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Why doesn't Wal-Mart start a church?

My beloved Catholic Church consistently hits the right notes when it comes to Satan's twin scourges of homosexuality and contraception (though this is a troubling development), but they're consistently wrong when it comes to matters of economics.

When they groveled before LA's striking janitors -- janitors, for Christ's sake!-- I assumed they were yet again shamelessly pandering to their pews full of illegals. Make no bones about it: I wholeheartedly disapprove of their stance on illegal immigration. In fact, during Father Joe's more long-winded sermons, I often fantasize that if Uncle Sam grew a set of stones and deported some of the more dubiously naturalized among my fellow parishioners, I wouldn't have to park three blocks away from church every Sunday morning. But, as I heard a wise man quip, you go to mass with the congregation you have, not the congregation you want.

However, when I saw the same sort of toadying going on in France, it became evident that this immigrant-coddling I witnessed in LA comes from the Church's being completely mired in the Old European ideals of unionization and trade barriers, which are un-American, and consequently anti-Christian. This socialist streak is on bold display with their recent excommunication of four Chinese bishops:

The Vatican says it has excommunicated two Chinese bishops consecrated earlier this week to China's government-approved Catholic church, which is not recognized by the Holy See.

The statement from Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls on Thursday called the unapproved ordination of bishops Giuseppe Ma Yinglin and Giuseppe Liu Xinhong "a severe wound to the unity of the Church" and said Pope Benedict XVI was disappointed.

"The Holy Father learned of the news with profound sorrow, because such a relevant act for the life of the Church, as is an Episcopal ordination, was carried out in both cases without respecting the need of communion with the pope," the statement said.

The Vatican also warned against any future ordinations carried out without its approval.

The Chinese Patriotic Catholic Association said the appointments were intended to fill shortages and were not intended to offend the Vatican.

Ties between the Vatican and China were severed after the 1949 Communist revolution.

A big stumbling block remains the Vatican's official recognition of Taiwan, branded by China as a renegade province.
Nonsense. Despite the benefits it would bring to the worldwide economy, the outsourcing of the Papacy to a more efficient workforce is the greatest fear of those unrepentant Marxists in Rome. Why are they so afraid of a little economic competition, unless they knew they would lose their cushy retirement and benefits packages? Maybe they'd even issue us $100 rebate checks! It's time for the Vatican to practice what they preach, or preach what they practice, or something, so I'm definitely on board with this Chinese clergy business if it can save me a few bucks. Praise Him!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

This better not wind up on Ebay

Just as The Lord maintains a special place in His Kingdom for those Christians who courageously bring His message to others, I honor those fearless bloggers who send souls my way by adding them to my list of Nancy-Cons. I hereby award the Presidential Medal of Exfoliation to the following, for their invaluable assitance in spreading the Gospel of Glamour:

Today's outrage

Well, it was another day of Christian persecution that would make the atrocities of ancient Rome look like the 700 Club here at the Beauty Palace, but I couldn't let Mexico's latest move go without comment:
Mexican President Vicente Fox will sign a bill that would legalize the use of nearly every drug and narcotic sold by the same Mexican cartels he's vowed to fight during his five years in office, a spokesman said Tuesday.

The list of illegal drugs approved for personal consumption by Mexico's Congress last week is enough to make one dizzy — or worse.

Cocaine. Heroin. LSD. Marijuana. PCP. Opium. Synthetic opiates. Mescaline. Peyote. Psilocybin mushrooms. Amphetamines. Methamphetamines.

And the per-person amounts approved for possession by anyone 18 or older could easily turn any college party into an all-nighter: half a gram of coke, a couple of Ecstasy pills, several doses of LSD, a few marijuana joints, a spoonful of heroin, 5 grams of opium and more than 2 pounds of peyote, the hallucinogenic cactus.

The law would be among the most permissive in the world, putting Mexico in the company of the Netherlands. Critics, including U.S. drug policy officials, already are worrying that it will spur a domestic addiction problem and make Mexico a narco-tourism destination.
This is utterly symptomatic of our neighbor to the south's poor work ethic: They'd sooner throw up their hands up in the air to deal with the problem, rather than showing a little ingenuity... like strong-arming their housekeepers into scoring their drugs for them. Do we really want to grant these laggards amnesty? Disgraceful!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

May Day, May Day - white people under siege!

How tragic for Our Nation that 5/01 must be added to the national lexicon under the same horrific circumstances as 9/11. I don't know about you, but I will always remember where I was while the Reconquista was happening: cowering behind my desk, reading Little Green Footballs, and praying to God that El Quéda wouldn't storm the Beauty Palace and drag me out by my golden locks.

Naturally I wouldn't set foot anywhere near this sort of thuggery, but I did view with interest the LA Times' photographs of the protests, which struck me as further proof of the symbiotic relationship MSM has with the terrorists. Using the Spanish I learned in beauty school*, I now present to you the story liberal media doesn't want you to hear.

"We love you, Osama!" this banner proudly declares. It's not as if there weren't enough America-haters already in this country, but now the moonbats want to import them wholesale? Outrageous!

"Free Saddam!" this angry horde demands. Given President Bush's spineless response to the immigration problem, he probably will.

Here angry protesters are waving placards bearing Michelle Malkin's home address and phone number. Is there any low these people won't sink to?

I myself had a terrifying experience where I came face to face with the unhinged hatred these people have for America. Yesterday afternoon, after the storm had passed (or so I thought), I went to the local juice bar to get a smoothie. "I'll be with you in a moment" the Che Guevarette behind the counter hissed at me.

Christians, there are times when we must take a stand, and this was clearly one of them. "When did being a white person make me a second class citizen in my own country?" I challenged her.

"Uhm... do you want to speak to a manager?" she countered, her voice dripping with treason.

I was hardly about to engage her in her little America-blaming game. "Don't think you can sacrifice me to your winged serpent god just because you've got Our President in your pocket. I've seen Q, and I know exactly what you people have got in store for us."

"Next customer, please."

Sadly, she had me on the ropes, but I had one blow to deliver left in me. "I'll be damned if you try to take my apartment away from me and set me to work in your slave camps making tortillas. You haven't heard the last of this, missy!" I fled before she and her other Aztlan warriors could round me up.

So there you have it, folks -- a nightmarish vision of things to come, unless we Christians stand firm and guard Our Nation's borders from the menace of illegal immigration. Praise Him!

* It wasn't an actual Spanish class, just an old issue of People en Espanol in the student commons area that I flipped through once.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Go back to Woodstock, hippies.

Because I recognize that Our President was chosen by The Lord Himself to liberate Our Nation's oil reserves from the Antichrist, to free us from the Godless theology of environmentalism, and to emancipate our beleaguered corporations from regulatory bondage, I've begun to see that nearly every utterance associated with Our President is the Inspired Word of God, be it his rousing addresses to his countrymen, the obscure rulings of his regulatory agencies, or even the music of Pat Boone. So naturally I'm Outraged when I see a so-called "conservative" publication like The Economist attack the Solomonic wisdom of President Bush in order to curry favor with the acid, abortion & amnesty wing of America's Communist Party. Watch them grovel before the most beloved false god of The Left, multiculturalism, for yourself in this morally abhorrent hit piece on the DEA's recent pronouncement on medical marijuana:
IF CANNABIS were unknown, and bioprospectors were suddenly to find it in some remote mountain crevice, its discovery would no doubt be hailed as a medical breakthrough. Scientists would praise its potential for treating everything from pain to cancer, and marvel at its rich pharmacopoeia—many of whose chemicals mimic vital molecules in the human body. In reality, cannabis has been with humanity for thousands of years and is considered by many governments (notably America's) to be a dangerous drug without utility. Any suggestion that the plant might be medically useful is politically controversial, whatever the science says. It is in this context that, on April 20th, America's Food and Drug Administration (FDA) issued a statement saying that smoked marijuana has no accepted medical use in treatment in the United States.
It even tries the most shameless of the moonbat techniques: intercession on behalf of the "innocent" victims of cancer, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS. How pathetic, and utterly transparent:
Another reason the FDA statement is odd is that it seems to lack common sense. Cannabis has been used as a medicinal plant for millennia. In fact, the American government actually supplied cannabis as a medicine for some time, before the scheme was shut down in the early 1990s. Today, cannabis is used all over the world, despite its illegality, to relieve pain and anxiety, to aid sleep, and to prevent seizures and muscle spasms. For example, two of its long-advocated benefits are that it suppresses vomiting and enhances appetite—qualities that AIDS patients and those on anti-cancer chemotherapy find useful. So useful, in fact, that the FDA has licensed a drug called Marinol, a synthetic version of one of the active ingredients of marijuana—delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Unfortunately, many users of Marinol complain that it gets them high (which isn't what they actually want) and is not nearly as effective, nor cheap, as the real weed itself.
Read on if you have the stomach for this sort of liberal blather. Personally, its bald-faced treacheries left my stomach so knotted up I'm tempted to try this "medical" marijuana just for its anti-nausea properties.

Sadly, the real objective of these so-called "compassionate use" traitors is nothing short of the total annihilation of the America we know and love, and replacing it with some drug-addled utopia. Nothing -- not even makeup -- is off-limits to these people in their jihad. In fact, I dare say that America's moral slope will be greased with hemp seed oil. Back in 1998, The Body Shop took a battering ram to the moral foundations of Our Country when they released the first line of cosmeceuticals to be tainted with Satan's personal lubricant. Let's look at a timeline of what's happened since:
  • Summer 1998 - The Body Shop begins marketing their line of hemp seed oil to stoners and coastal elites.
  • November 2003 - Massachusetts allows same-sex marriage.
  • March 2006 - Senator Russ Feingold (Jew-WI) calls for the censure of President Bush out of sheer jealousy.
As we can see, the virtue of Our Nation has taken a steep decline, so it is of paramount importance that we Christians stand firm with Our President in preventing any further moral decay. Praise Him!