Ask the angels

Nothing pleases me more than receiving inquiries from Christians seeking a closer relationship with God, as it assures me that my Ministry of bringing the Gospel of Glamour to the masses is taking root. In the comments, Dom asks:

I'm wondering sister, the eyeshadow I wear is starting to disturb my wife. Can you suggest a manly color.

With pleasure! I'm in a bit of a hurry this morning, but let me demonstrate the theological marksmanship that put me in the top 85% of my GED correspondence course (which was, sadly unaccredited). By going to bible.com and searching for "eye man shadow" (King James Version, of course), you get one result, Genesis 19:8:

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

You're in luck, Dom, because Scripture is rarely so unequivocal. Judging by the reference to the roof, The Lord is clearly instructing you to use Jane Iredale's slate brown eyeshadow, whose lustrous patriarchy-asserting cocoa highlights will have your wife begging you to beat her and give her 14 children. Praise Him!