Thank You For Smoking

Despite their support for raising the minimum wage and providing social services for the needy, liberals have somehow managed to claim the mantle of caring about poor people. That's why I'm grateful to my Prayer Warrior P.J. O'Rourke for exposing the hypocrisy of this so-called compassion of The Left's punitive anti-smoking laws in public housing:

And poor people do have a lot of troubles. Sometimes, when you’ve got a crap job and are going to get laid off from it besides and your crack-head daughter has three kids by four fathers and your oldest son is on the front in Afghanistan and your youngest son can’t decide which drug crew to join and the cable company has cut off service and somebody’s jimmying the twelfth lock on the sheet-metal door, you’d like to sit down on your own damn chair in your own damn kitchen and have a smoke.

Well, forget it. The progressive elites are already charging you $7 for that pack of king-size filter tips, and pretty soon they’re going to add the price of eviction. Because they hate your guts.

While I think Brother P.J. may be a little off-message here about the taxes paid by the poor on their cigarettes -- can they ever truly be high enough to compensate for the drag they are on our job Creators? -- I fully agree with his underlying conceit: that liberals demonstrate their contempt for the poor by legislating away life's small pleasures.

That's but one example. What would be more edifying for our underclass than sitting on their toilets, taking a gentlemanly dump, and reading The National Review, The Weekly Standard, or perhaps even the liberal New Republic? Doing so would open their eyes to what parasites they are and inspire them to go out and so something productive, like maybe even getting a job at a conservative think tank! But unfortunately, thanks to the Democrats' incessant calls for stricter food safety regulation, they'll never experience the enlightenment (or the quick weight loss - did you hear that, Michelle Obama?) that a bout of chronic diarrhea from food poisoning can provide. Naturally, the lamestream media will paint the libtards as altruistic heroes and revile us conservatives as heartless villains, but that's just the sad facts of life until Obama is sent packing back to Kenya. Praise Him!

Deen Screem

As those of us who've ever enjoyed the deliciousness of deep fried food know, partially hydrogenated fats are the delectable taste of Freedom. This is why The Left is so determined to take them away from us, and why the First "Lady" is forever threatening to crush Our Nation's children like so many walnuts with her titanic ass for eating cookies. Initially I thought this sort of tyranny dressed up as nanny-statism was just another way of desensitizing us to the steady loss of Constitutional rights we've experienced under Barack Hussein's imperial rule, before he ships us all off to his re-education camps. But thanks to my Prayer Warriors at Fox News, I see that it's really just an assault on the culture of Real America by effete liberal elites. Look away, Dixieland!

Georgia's down-home diva Paula Deen was this week treated to an unhealthy serving of self-satisfied condescension after she admitted she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. But nowhere was the response more unsavory than on the New York food scene with its resident lothario Anthony Bourdain leading the assault. ...

From food to faith, the mythic Dixie--soulful and abundant, passionate and insubmissive--has always clashed with the rigidly cosmopolitan north, which keeps an ever watchful eye on we, her unlearned, drawling wards.

Yet the northern perspective of the South amounts to little more than a crude distillation of the most specious of stereotypes, the uncouth yang to their cultured yin. Reserving unparalleled contempt for the region's myths and manners, fundamental to northern exceptionalism is the notion of southern inadequacy.

I fully recognize this liberal contempt for the Glorious customs of the South, as I was treated to this same sort of derisive sneering and eye-rolling from the homosexuals at my former workplace whenever I brought in my patriotic three bean salad. "Oh great, I was looking for some nutritionally devoid calories," they'd hiss at me, and then titter like schoolgirls among themselves, and go back to debating the merits of foreskin, or whatever it is those people talk about.

The only conclusion I can draw from these events is that "nutrition" is another one of those liberal junk sciences like "climatology" and "chemistry" brazenly used to advance the radical homosexual agenda of physical fitness, whereby we all have taut bodies and the endurance for marathons sessions of anal sex at their Unitarian swingers retreats. So, Christians, you know exactly what to do. Every pound you gain is a victory for Jesus, so supersize it, in the name of The Lord. Praise Him!

The Inconvenient Truth

Liberals possess many annoying traits, chief among them their "concern" for society's laziest members, and their reflexive hostility to Traditional Values. But if there were any one characteristic that most shows how frivolous our hippie friends are, it's their tendency to get worked up over things that simply don't exist. "Global warming" is a favorite hobby horse The Left likes to ride whenever they feel like attacking the Free Market, which is practically always, because it allows them to blame Our Nation's job creators while validating their own pathetic inability to afford a halfways decent SUV. Their latest bleating comes via Agence France-Presse (ooh la la!) and represents the high water mark for this sort of libtard hysterics:

Last year broke records for extreme weather in the United States, with 14 events each causing at least a billion dollars in damage, US authorities said on Thursday.

Also, 2011 marked 35 years in a row that global temperatures have been warmer than average, according to data released by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. ...

Separately, the US space agency NASA announced that 2011 was the ninth warmest year on record since 1880 in global average surface temperature, with nine of the 10 warmest years in history taking place since 2000.

What's so absurd about the global warming truthers is that the link between homosexuality and extreme weather events such as tornadoes and hurricanes has already been well established. However, anything that threatens their fragile worldview or risks causing dissension in their ranks is summarily dismissed.

If liberals were serious about preventing extreme weather events, they'd put their money where their syphilis-ridden mouths are and support a move to a Virtue-based economy in which vice is taxed to pay for the damage it does to the environment. Gross polluters like homosexuals could buy surplus credits from us Christians to offset the destruction caused by their sinful lifestyle. Gradually, Our Nation's economy would realign itself so that industries that promote homosexuality (interior decorating, the floral trade) become so cost-prohibitive that they become relics of the past. Given The Left's hatred of capitalism, I doubt we'll see this sort of intellectual honesty from them. Instead, expect more handwringing for our sob sisters on The Left and more baseless attacks from their enablers in the Lamestream Media. Praise Him!

Satan's Velvet Holster

Ever since he ruthlessly seized power in 2008's bloodless coup, Barack Hussein Obama has shredded our beloved Constitution in his quest to destroy America. He has imposed levels of taxation unseen since colonial rule, turned our healthcare system into something out of a totalitarian state, and has made the public expression of Christianity grounds for a public stoning. Perhaps his greatest blow to Freedom, though, has been the way he has methodically chipped away at the Second Amendment. Initially I thought this aggressive push for gun control was to make us more compliant for when the New Black Panther Party shock troops march into town with their nightsticks, but now I see its true purpose — promoting anal sex:

A man who was pulled over for a traffic violation in North Carolina was found this week with a gun in his jail cell — a big gun that authorities believe he hid in his rectum.

The man, identified as Michael Leon Ward, 22, of Canton, Ga., was in the Onslow County, N.C., jail after his arrest Monday morning. He is awaiting extradition to Georgia, where he is wanted on a fugitive warrant in a murder investigation. ...

Deputies told NBC station WITN of Washington, N.C., that Ward was searched and then strip-searched before he was put into a holding cell. Jailers also made Ward perform what they call a "squat and cough" procedure.

Only later did they find the gun — a .38-caliber revolver, with a 4½-inch barrel. While it wasn't loaded, it worked just fine when officers loaded a bullet and test-fired it.

The Founding Fathers would weep if they read this. Here they thought they were enshrining our Sacred right to bear arms in our precious Constitution, not in our anuses.

What I find particularly chilling are the broader implications of this: Which of our Freedoms will we only be able to enjoy by sticking things up the tradesman's entrance? Will Democrats pass a law mandating that The Bible only be available in suppository form? Will that be the only location where we are free from warrantless searches & seizures, thus replacing my trusty handbag and fanny pack? Whatever the final toll to Our Nation, it is imperative that we Christians work to remove Obama from office this year so we can take our guns out of our asses and put them back where they belong — in bars, schools, and national parks. Praise Him!

Sapphron Revolution

As a Christian, sending your child to college is the worst mistake you could possibly make. Liberal indoctrination begins the moment your child begins receiving the glossy recruitment materials featuring a smiling student body of all races and all sexual persuasions. The brainwashing doesn't relent until graduation, and by then it's too late, when your little Johnny graduates with a degree in Menstrual Studies with a minor in Blaming America. College graduates as a whole tend to congregate in decadent urban enclaves where they have ready access to Craigslist hookers and drugs, willfully reject the Glory of His Creation, and perhaps worst of all, reliably vote for the Democrat Party. "President" Obama understands this; thankfully so does Rick Santorum, who is courageously speaking out about the national scourge of higher education. Sadly, the guerilla war against Our Nation has intensified, and I doubt you'll be surprised to learn who's leading this fifth column:

The federal government is partnering with dozens of U.S. colleges to provide women from Muslim counties with a "world-class" education in science, technology, engineering and math.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced the NeXXt Scholars partnership last month, and her remarks were posted on the State Department Web site Monday.

"Today's next Madame Curie could be sitting in a high school classroom in Cairo, Jakarta, or Mogadishu, yearning for opportunities to explore her potential. The United States is determined to help give her that chance."

Clinton said the scholarship program will "create new opportunities for women from predominantly Muslim nations to pursue world-class undergraduate educations in science, technology, engineering, and math."

Hillary Clinton's affinity for, ahem, Arabian carpet is well documented, which makes the hidden dimensions of this news all the more terrifying: Chairman Hillary, with the blessing of Barack Hussein Obama, is training a secret army of Muslim lesbians to subvert our already weakened Constitution and install the Caliphate! Well, "ladies," this infidel will not submit, and Christians, neither should you. Please join me in securing America by demanding an end to affordable college education for America's children, as well as any foreign ones. Praise Him!

Toss Those Cookies!

If there's anything that fills me with Outrage, it's how The Left has polluted the Values of Our Nation's young people. Not too long ago, America was a nation of chaste, virtuous, law-abiding Christians. Then Hillary popped her first birth control pill on her way to a Peter, Paul & Mary concert, and it's been one headlong plunge into the Moral sewer ever since. The result of this decay has been catastrophic: Homosexuals may marry and hold jobs in certain parts of the country, women defer starting families into their 40s (if ever), and uppity minorities can sass their betters with impunity. Perhaps the most devastating thing, though, is the decline support for Republicans by the post-Baby Boom generations and women of all age groups.

At the vanguard of corrupting our children is the Girl Scouts of America. Rather than teaching today's Christian ladies the finer points of embroidery and how to apply cosmetics, they've instead adopted a program of cultural jihad that reads like a chapter out of the Al Qaeda training manual, with merit badges for crushing men's testicles and being a global warming patsy. So you can imagine how Rapturously thrilled I am to learn that one of their young charges has had enough of their liberal indoctrination:

A reportedly 14-year-old Girl Scout has joined with parents and Scout alumni to call for a boycott of the widely popular Girl Scout cookies, claiming the organization is using cookie proceeds to push a radical homosexual agenda at the expense of the Scouts’ safety.

The girl, identified as Taylor from Ventura County, Calif. – but whose parents have asked her last name and troop number be withheld – made a YouTube video calling for the boycott after she was shocked to discover Girl Scouts USA, or GSUSA, has been admitting transgender boys who claim to be girls into scout troops.

After controversy arose over the potential admission of Colorado 7-year-old Bobby Montoya last month, The Girl Scouts of Colorado released a statement explaining, “We accept all girls in kindergarten through 12th grade as members. If a child identifies as a girl and the child’s family presents her as a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout.”

I'm so inspired by young Taylor's brave stand for Traditional Values that I'm going to make one of my own: Membership in the Girl Scouts should be restricted to men 45 years of age or older. This will prevent our impressionable Daughters of Eve from being exposed to the poisonous ideas that inevitably lead to a ruinous future of an apartment full of cats and a career as a gym teacher. More importantly, it will help reverse the demographic trends that threaten to lead the Republican Party to extinction. Praise Him!

Perverted By Language

One of the most effective means The Left has of persecuting Christians is by strictly controlling the acceptable terms of debate. Diverge from the liberal script even slightly and you're branded a racist, a hydrophobe, or worse. Just last week, Rick Santorum caught flak for implying that Blah Americans are lazy welfare sponges; had he used the term endorsed by the PC Politburo, "African-American," no one would have refudiated him.

Liberal control of public discourse goes even further than this, however. Another effective weapon in the hippies' arsenal is to mandate the use of coarse language to make their decadent crusades "relevant" and confer legitimacy upon them. Radical homosexual activists have had the most luck with this, as the perverted connotations of "bottom" & "MSM" have left them unfit for use in polite society. Unsurprisingly, the teachers unions have now adopted this tactic, and they're using it to turn today's Christian youths into ravenous sex maniacs:

A New York lawmaker is demanding that state health workers remove a taxpayer-funded video series that promotes “raw-dogging” and other graphic sexual activities to teenagers as young as 13-years-old. ...

The graphic videos feature young actors talking about sex while using street lingo – including words like “raw dogging” – having sex without wearing a condom.

“This video is raunchy,” State. Sen. Martin Golden told Fox News & Commentary. “It’s wrong, it’s shameful and they shouldn’t be doing it.” ...

Golden said the videos portray unprotected sex as “so good, so juicy.”

Not only is this Morally wrong to teach kids that sex is fun, but it's also factually incorrect: The sex act, when performed correctly, is arduous, dirty business that leaves both parties filled with pain and stinging regret.

The answer to America's "sex" "education" crisis is plainly obvious. It should be conducted entirely in the language of the King James Version, so that children are bored rather than titillated at the prospect of sexual congress. I don't know what "raw dogging" is, but by the sounds of it, I would imagine it to combine the charms of self-flagellation with the wholesome appeal of a Lassie movie -- who wouldn't be tempted to delve further? I know I am. But tell a teenager that "The jackal that hath been uncooked shall be unclean," and he'll keep those pants firmly zipped. What we have here, my friends, are Common Sense Conservative Solutions in action!

Virtue will only be restored to Our Nation when Conservatives can participate fully in national discussions without being ostracized for speaking obvious Truths. Until we can gain equal footing in this debate, we will remain America's most Persecuted minority. Praise Him!