Doomsday nears, so you better get your nails done

Enough events have transpired over the past few weeks to make an update to the Rapture Index absolutely imperative. By now, my loyal Christian readership knows that recent news items about cosmetology can be interepreted to more accurately gauge the Rapture's arrival than, say, disembowling a chicken, and these results are then used to handicap the main Rapture Index. After diligently surveying the stories on this topic, my advice to you is this: It's time to think about scheduling that next cut & color at that unisex beauty palace in the sky.

† MSM targets pedicures: When the old guard of Liberal Media goes after one of the most beloved rituals of personal grooming, you better believe the end is near. This New York Times hatchet-job is premised on the following "facts":

The issue of nail salon sanitation became national news when the "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul had her thumbnail removed in 2004 after contracting an infection she said she got from a manicure. Forty percent of women say they get pedicures at least occasionally, according to the market research firm Mintel International Group, yet little is known about how often infections from nail salons occur. ...

Customers can potentially pick up athlete's foot, warts or yeast infections, or even, possibly, H.I.V., hepatitis C, or staph infections if salons do not disinfect equipment properly, Dr. Rodan said. ...

Dr. Winthrop was with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2000 when he investigated a mycobacteria outbreak that left more than 100 women in northern California with boils on their legs that took months to heal. He traced the bacteria to the whirlpool footbaths in a single salon. California, Texas and Arizona now require salons to clean the suction screens within whirlpool footbaths, where bacteria may accumulate.

Where's John Stossel when you need him? Out of the millions of Christian women who get pedicures, we've got about 100 women (plus Paula Abdul) in California who are suffering from some mysterious skin ailment? I suppose allowing for the possibility that this plague is Divine retribution for their sinful coastal lifestyles would violate some esoteric NY Times journalistic policy about stating the obvious, but there you have it. My guess is that the Old Gray Hag saw that Our President's poll numbers had softened slightly, and figured now would be as good a time as any to bash nail grooming. As The Mustachioed One would say, "Give me a break!" Increase Rapture Index by 3.

† Christian teens persecuted for highlights: This one comes via loyal Nancy-Con Shryberman. Not only does The Left restrict expressions of our children's Religion by prohibiting them from wearing Christian-themed t-shirts, they also deny them the right to practice their faith by highlighting their hair:

An eighth-grader was taken out of class Tuesday because of her hair coloring, KMBC-TV in Kansas City reported.

An administrator at Bueker Middle School said the girl's red highlights were distracting to other students.

School officials said there is a rule at Bueker that hairstyles that are distracting to the educational process are not allowed.

The liberal media outlet reporting on this went to great lengths not to identify our young martyr as a person of Faith, but read between the lines. Parents, if there's ever any reaon to homeschool your children, this is it. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

† Cosmetics used in perverted Multicultural sex cults: I have to give The Left credit for their ingenuity. Just when you think they've debased God's majestic gift to us fallen daughters of Eve in the filthiest way imaginable, they manage to outdo themselves:

A male police officer could lose his job, officials say, after he appeared on television in a yellow dress with dark red lipstick and matching nail polish.

Devendra Kumar Panda, an inspector general in the Uttar Pradesh state police, is now the subject of a behavioral probe by state officials, authorities said Tuesday.

Panda, 57, believes himself to be the reincarnation of a lady consort of the Hindu amorous god Krishna and claims he's doing nothing more than exercising his freedom of religion.

Look, dude, if you want to exercise your Christ-less "religion," why not just shake a tambourine on a street corner somewhere, but LEAVE MAKEUP OUT OF IT! Increase Rapture Index by 5.
† Trial Lawyers cannibalize cosmetics industry: Not literally, as far as I know, but the vultures of The Left have decided that, in the end, picking the last bits of carrion off the carcass of the Beauty Industry is more important than implementing their utopian scheme of socialized glamour:

A bitter legal brawl over attorneys' fees has erupted in a national cosmetics pricing class action lawsuit, with feuding camps of plaintiffs' lawyers slinging allegations of flagrant billing abuses and extortion. ...

The conflict stems from a settlement an Oakland, Calif.-based federal judge approved last year to end long running litigation over claims that department stores and cosmetics manufacturers conspired to prevent discounting of lipstick, blush, and other beauty counter products.

Under the deal, consumers would benefit from a nationwide giveaway of free cosmetics with a retail value of $175 million and lawyers for the class would receive $24 million from the defendant companies to cover the costs of pursuing the litigation.

The new round of legal infighting was sparked when attorneys who challenged aspects of the settlement asked to be awarded $3 million of the $24 million set aside for plaintiffs' lawyers in the case. The lawyers who negotiated the settlement strongly opposed awarding fees to the objecting attorneys.

Could there be a starker example of the need for tort reform? I dare say not. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

† Ninth Circuit rules against compulsory lesbianism -- for now: Fortunately for those of you who aren't quite ready for the Second Coming, the following might give you a little time to get your affairs in order. I had noted this story a while ago, and since it involved the Pledge-hating imams of the Ninth Circuit, I predicted the worst. However, in a rare display of common sense, the judges found (more or less) that beautification rituals are in keeping with the Judeo-Christian principals upon which Our Nation was founded:

Darlene Jespersen sued Harrah's after she was fired for refusing to comply with an appearance code instituted in 2000 that required women to wear makeup -- despite a 20-year record of exemplary employment at the casino. She argued that the requirement placed an undue burden on women employees and said it cramped her style.

Writing for the majority -- which included three of the four women on the panel -- Chief Judge Mary Schroeder said Jespersen failed to prove that putting on makeup is any more of a hardship for women than a short-hair requirement is for male bartenders.

"We respect Jespersen's resolve to be true to herself and to the image that she wishes to project to the world," Schroeder wrote. "We cannot agree, however, that her objection to the makeup requirement, without more, can give rise to a claim of sex stereotyping under Title VII. If we were to do so, we would come perilously close to holding that every grooming, apparel or appearance requirement that an individual finds personally offensive, or in conflict with his or her own self-image, can create a triable issue of sex discrimination."

Amen. It's time for the enemies of traditional values to accept that the daily application of cosmetics is a civic obligation incumbent upon all of Our Nation's womenfolk. When the day comes that the courts rule otherwise, the terrorists will have won. Decrease Rapture Index by 2. Praise Him!