Apocalipstick Soon

A few weeks ago, I used news stories on cosmetics as a means of handicapping the impending Rapture, since our Christian friends at Rapture Index haven't included such a category -- yet. I'm always eager to help them out, so here's what's happened in the world since then, and how it affects the likelihood of the Second Coming.

† Creeping authoritarianism: Many thanks to loyal Nancy-Con Blue Gal for tipping me off to this alarming development:

Wanted by the FBI

HARBORING A FEDERAL FUGITIVE

CATHERINE ELIZABETH GREIG

Greig is known to frequent beauty salons. She has an affininty for animals, especially dogs.

Be sure to check out the pictures, where the FBI has given Ms. Greig a number of less than flattering 'dos. You're welcome to blame my paranoia on the ceremonial frankincense, but I seem to recall the career bureaucrats of the federal law enforcement agencies of this country going out of their way to make Our President look bad. Unless President Bush circumvented the cumbersome bureaucratic process and declared this woman a fugitive from justice himself, this looks like nothing more than a pathetic hatchet job against a good Christian woman who enjoys the simple pleasures of having her hair done. And when did the State determine what hairdos we should have? Increase Rapture Index by 3.

† Sodomy: Surprise, surprise -- the most rabid enemies of Christianity are also the leading foes of makeup:

Lambda Legal represents Darlene Jespersen in a federal lawsuit against Harrah’s Casino. Jespersen was a dedicated, top-performing bartender for Harrah’s in Reno, Nevada for 21 years. Jespersen refused to comply with a new dress code that required women to wear a full regimen of makeup (foundation or powder, blush, mascara and lipstick at all times), applied precisely the same way every day to match a photo provided by Harrah’s. A decision in the case is currently pending before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit.

This gives me the chills: The same Circuit that ruled the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional is now ruling on the legality of compulsory cosmetics applications. Christians, I fear for the fate of Our Nation. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

† One-World Government: The Anti-Christ will come to power through the consolidation of the world's governing bodies (UN, EU, etc.), so it was a relief to see that hairdressers have done their Christian Duty to gum up the works:

Poland, the Czech Republic and Cyprus opposed a compromise agreement presented by the Austrian Presidency on the issue of exemptions to EU VAT rules. Under current rules, value-added tax in all member states has to be set at a minimum of 15%. Countries can set higher VAT rates, but cannot go lower except for certain services such as home construction and renovation, hairdressing or bicycle repairs.

Great news. Reduce Rapture Index by 1.

† Miracles & the Unexplained: While The Left is determined to slander the cosmetics industry with junk science linking essential ingredients like phthalates and parabens to cancer and lupus, we learn that the tasteful application of makeup has, in fact, a therapeutic effect:

At the Virginia G. Piper Cancer Center in Scottsdale, Ariz., eight women sit shyly around the table, glancing into vanity mirrors while dabbling through the bags of eyeliners, mascaras and lipsticks placed in front of them.

It was a mini-makeover party of a sort, as cosmetologists Helaine Markowitz and Shelly Freed spent the afternoon dishing tips on everything from choosing the right shade of blush to wrapping a chic head scarf.

For the participants, all battling cancer, the "Look Good ... Feel Better" program is a chance to feel beautiful, even in the ugliest of times.

"You still need to get up every single day," Markowitz told them. "If you don't make that effort to put on a scarf or a little bit of lipstick, you're going to end up wallowing in your illness. But if you look in the mirror and say, 'Hey, not so bad,' you're going to make it through."

Naturally, the article has MSM's usual touchy-feely self-esteem bias, where if you feel good about yourself, you can handle anything, etc., (excuse me while I put my finger down my throat) and downplays the Lourdes-like qualities of cosmetics, but we Christians have had to learn to read between liberal media's li(n)es to get the true story. Decrease Rapture Index by 2, and praise Him!