Edicts of Nancy

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Countdown to Glamourgeddon

A frequent online stop of mine is the Rapture Index, which monitors all the leading indicators of the Apocalypse -- or so I thought. Perhaps I was misreading "Climate" as "Clinique" this whole time, but I noticed that they have neglected to include a category for cosmetology. Until our friends at Rapture Ready can remedy this situation, I hereby volunteer this blog as a sort of annex for Rapture-related stories from the glamourcentric standpoint. With that in mind, please note the following when determining the Rapture's imminence:

Cosmetics smuggling in Africa. Given the recent uptick in terrorist-related activities with cellphones and athletic footwear, this can hardly be seen as some innocuous development:
In the latest act of smuggling, six drums tucked with cosmetics, were on January 15, impounded at Kibuli, a Kampala suburb.

The consignment, which included an assortment of perfumes, powders and roll-ons from the United Arab Emirates hub of Dubai, and baby jellies from Kenya, were tightly sealed in blue 100-litre metallic drums. The drums were branded: For road construction only.
Hopefully somebody not married to Valerie Plame will investigate this. Increase Rapture Index by one point.

Morally corrupt spokesmodel. L'Oreal has announced that noted enthusiast for Blastocyst-American genocide Scarlet Johansson will star in the commercials for their HIP line. HIP is evidently an acronym for "High Intensity Pigments," but it could just as easily stand for Hell's Impudent Prostitutes. Add another point to the tally.

Depletion of energy sources: "No Blood for Oil" is a favorite wingnut slogan, but would these hypocrites be chanting "No Blood for Makeup" if they knew the following? [my emphasis added]
If we were to list the most important issues facing humanity, oil and natural gas depletion has to be in the top three. The economic and cultural destiny of mankind is inexorably tied to the availability of fossil fuels. It is impossible to address the problems of famine without oil and natural gas for fertilizer, cultivation, and processing. Oil provides the feedstock for thousands of products, including cosmetics, medicines, plastics, heating and cooking fuels, and mobile fuels for transportation.
Of course not -- they'd be clamoring for the US to occupy the entire Middle East. So, increase the Rapture Index by another point. I'm telling you, Christians, Judgment Day nears -- are you wearing your Rapture thongs?

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