Ask John Yoo!

I am very pleased to announce that presidential legal advisor and friend to Christians everywhere, John Yoo, has graciously accepted my invitation to answer your legal questions. However, since I neglected to seek your input, I've dashed off a few reasonable queries representative of what most of us Christians encounter on a daily basis. I hope this clears up some of those legal gray areas so that we Christians can finally enjoy the civil rights guaranteed to us in the Constitution. Read & learn.

† My new neighbors in the apartment building I recently moved into speak in heavy accents and view me and other Christians with a suspicion that borders on hostility. I suspect them of being agents of Hizbollah. Am I within my right to open their mail without their consent?

Certainly. The Constitution vests the President and his agents with the plenary authority to defend the United States from military attack. Scowls from non-citizens are rightfully listed as acts of aggression, since they can quickly escalate into serious breaches of national security. Please report any questionable findings to Michelle Malkin for further technical analysis.

† My Husband frequently leaves His dirty clothes on the living room floor and the backs of our dining room chairs. Does California's domestic partnership statute allow me to administer electric shocks to His genitals to dissuade Him from this practice?

Without question, particularly if you think he is withholding information that may expose the United States to risk of a terrorist event. Please try to do so during off-peak hours so as not to overtax the grid.

† My employer frequently quashes my attempts to take off religious holidays that haven't been given state-sanction by the ruling secularist regime. Is it legal to report a suspicious package to the proper authorities so that I can fully honor God while the Beauty Palace is closed for an investigation?

Definitely. National security requires the vigilance of all of citizens, and it is best to err of the side of caution in these matters. Your President and your fellow citizens are depending on you.

† Recently a billboard promoting an especially heretical television series has shown up in my neighborhood. Would I be within my rights to alter it with language such as, "Hell's Top-Rated Show!"?

Clearly. The long-established link between enemy combatants in the Global War on Terror as well as the Culture Wars necessitates a course of action similar to this. Please contact your local law-enforcement agency so that they can investigate the source of this propaganda. A cell may be active within your neighborhood.

[UPDATE: Welcome, Main St. USA & Rain Storm readers!]