The Revolution will be manicured

Aside from this false alarm, my Christian cosmetology blogging beat has been awfully quiet lately. Not anymore:

Fake nails and women’s shoes were flying as a bloody claw fight erupted at a Dorchester salon after one primping patron allegedly screamed at a woman bantering in Spanish, “Speak English! This is America!”

Excellent work, Christians! Given Our President's reluctance to safeguard Our Nation's borders, a ladies' auxiliary of the Minutemen (the Minuteladies?) is eminently sensible. These colors, like our nylons, don't run.

This story prompted me to spend many hours in deep meditation reflecting on what sort of changes I would implement when I'm named National Beauty Czar. Here's what I came up with:

† The affairs of all beauty parlor operations are to be conducted in English only.

† The Ten Commandments will be prominently displayed in every establishment that is licensed as a beauty parlor.

† All employees of the glamour trades will be required to take loyalty oaths wherein they swear to uphold the Judeo-Christian values upon which Our Nation was founded.

† Cosmetologists who violate Biblical precepts of morality [you know, fags] will face disciplinary action, with repeat offenders ultimately subject to termination of their license and possible imprisonment.

† Styling products imported from countries that knowingly allow terrorists to operate within their borders will be subjected to steep tariffs.

† Practices that violate Biblical norms of decency, such as the waxing of ladyparts, shall be forbidden within the borders of the United States and its territories.

† Reverse discrimination in the form of "ethnic hairstyling" (braids, weaves, etc.) will be subject to appropriate legal action.

That's all I could come up with for now, but feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments. Praise Him!