Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Monday, July 31, 2006

The bad seeds

For those of you who live in mortal terror of the threat that Osama's day laborers pose to Our Nation, I am pleased to announce a development that may offer you some relief. It appears that the Reconquista of America by illegal immigrants is being staunched, however temporarily:
For now, willing parents can get Guatemalan babies by paying thousands of dollars to notaries who act as baby brokers, recruiting birth mothers, handling all the paperwork and completing the job in less than half the time it takes elsewhere. The process is so streamlined that Guatemala outpaces all other countries in the percentage of its children put up for adoption in the United States.

All this will likely end once the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoptions takes effect in the United States. The U.S. will then require all foreign adoptions to meet tougher international standards, which Guatemala ratified in 2003 but has yet to implement.
Cross-cultural adoption like this is yet another guise in which liberals cloak their hatred for America. Naturally, Hollywood celebrities are particularly keen on this trend, as the ethnic composition of one particular actress' brood has begun to resemble some United Nations panel on the status of the rights of transgendered clamshuckers. If these people really cared about America, they would do what any God-fearing patriot would do: abuse fertility drugs until she pops out a litter of eight babies. When you consider that America's freezers are full of beautiful white Christian embryos waiting to be browned & served in the womb of some lucky Daughter of Eve, the willful importation of these future ingrates is nothing short of an act of Treason, and should be punished accordingly. Praise Him!

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The gilded palace of spin

When I saw the headline for a recent Human Events Online piece, "U.S. Reporter Attacked by Castro Goons in Argentina," my immediate reaction was one of sickness and disbelief. "Oh, no," I thought to myself, "a gaggle of nancies in flannel shirts and handlebar moustaches have gone on a Provincetown-style rampage. It's just like what Andrew Sullivan warned us about. Is anyone safe from the Pink Menace?"

So it came as a relief -- sort of -- to find out that the Castro goons in question were actually of the old-school Cuban sort. Once again The Left shows its true colors by going all Unhinged in the face of Freedom:
For the first time in 50 years a U.S. reporter actually asked Fidel Castro a pertinent question. This journalistic landmark took place last week while Castro visited Argentina. Castro (naturally) freaked. Why the NERVE!! "You're a mercenary paid by the Bush!" he shrieked. "Who pays you? You'll probably try to assassinate me with a bomb!" As Castro yelled and sputtered, his bodyguards sprang into kung-fu mode and pounced on the offending reporter choke holding him and threatening much worse if he persisted in his impertinence.
Chalk another one up for the civility of The Left. Afterwards, I bet he went and left nasty comments on a right-wing blog.

It's a true testament to Cuba's backwardness that Castro would even take unscripted questions from the press like this. As the inquisitional briefings our treasonous MSM routinely subjects Our President to shows, having a patriotic press secretary run interference works wonders in promoting honesty and integrity in our Democracy. But I guess the opportunity to engage in foul-mouthed rants is far too satisfying for our moonbat friends to pass up. Praise Him!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The half-life of treason

Christians, please be on guard that even if you haven't bought a record since 1973, that's no guarantee that the cultural pollution of The Left isn't tainting your living environment, leading to a host of maladies including nausea, vomiting, swelling of the joints and ankles, low sperm count, lack of patriotism, adultery, out-of-wedlock births, and homosexuality. Many thanks to my Prayer Warriors at Concerned Women For America for pointing out the toxic legacy of Helen Reddy, who continues to destroy America despite the absence of anything resembling a career for 30 years:

The Invincibility Myth. Another myth is brought to center stage by Helen Reddy’s newly released biography, The Woman I Am (2006). She is, of course, the artist who recorded the 1972 feminist anthem I am Woman Hear Me Roar. In case you’ve been living on another planet, these are the key lyrics:

Oh yes I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain.
Yes, I've paid the price, but look how much I gained.
If I have to, I can do anything.
I am strong, I am invincible . . . I am woman..

I Am Woman earned Reddy a Grammy Award in 1973 for Female Pop Vocal Performance; she concluded her acceptance speech at the awards ceremony by famously thanking God “because She makes everything possible.”

... Reddy was born in 1941 to an Australian show-business couple and began her career as a performer by the tender age of 4. In her late teens Reddy was briefly married to an older musician, with whom she had a daughter, Traci. In 1966 she moved to America as an unmarried mother with 3-year-old Traci in tow.

In short order Reddy met, moved in with, and eventually married Jeff Wald, an agent. After finding little success in New York, she first tried Chicago in 1967, and then moved on to L.A. in 1968. She was signed by Capitol Records in 1970 but by 1975, despite nearly a dozen hit singles, her singing career was essentially over. Her last Top Ten hit was 1975’s Ain’t No Way to Treat a Lady.

One rather disingenuous biographer gives this account of what followed next: “Disenchanted with life in general during the ’80s, she performed infrequently.” That statement papers over quite a lot. In fact her marriage to husband No. 2 began to unravel in the early 1980s, egged on by his cocaine habit and aggressiveness. Reddy and Wald had a son, Jordan, who became so unmanageable by age 10 — not that much of a surprise considering his role models — that Reddy called her estranged husband to come get him out of the house she was sharing with her “boyfriend.” So much for the Roaring Woman’s “invincibility.”

The Realities Facing the Average Unmarried Mom. What does the average unmarried mother — without the income from several hit Gold records — face in trying to provide for herself and her children? Never-married mothers typically have less education than the unmarried mothers who are divorced, and the odds of the former getting child support are miniscule. With limited education, she’s lucky if she can find a job that pays enough to cover the rent and put food on the table without having to resort to food stamps. Health insurance through her employer is harder and harder to come by. And then there is the problem of finding adequate child care, particularly for the working mothers with children under school age.

And it's all Helen Reddy's fault. Last week, I conducted an online poll to determine who should be History's Greatest Monster, with Glenn Greenwald narrowly edging out John Cougar Mellencamp. In light of her Crimes Against America's Families, I'm nullifying those results (it's totally constitutional) and declaring "Ms." Reddy to be History's Greatest Monster. Not so long ago, washed up celebs had to resort to Laughlin casinos or the local concert hall to eke out their second acts. Fortunately for them, they can now spend their golden years in the public eye being demonized by Culture Warriors; for that, they should be grateful. Praise Him!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Elegy for a fallen Nancy-Con

I am deeply saddened to have to mark the passing on of loyal Nancy-Con Waremouse to a higher plane (And I am more saddened to see that in its place is a Japanese spam outfit -- before the body was even cold, if you will. Tsk). Waremouse was among the first of the Whores of Heresy to see the errors of their ways and add me to their blogrolls, and I considered it among the highest of honors to be bestowed upon a young Christian blogger such as myself. Had I known I would be composing a eulogy of sorts, I would have taken better notes, but Waremouse was among the few intelligent gay male bloggers who didn't listen to horrible music and weren't afraid to examine their lives. I hope he will not deny the world his insights, but let's face it: blogging sucks. In tribute to him, he will remain on the Nancy-Con portion of the blogroll until I get off my lazy ass and update the template. Good luck to you, my friend.

The spirit is willing, but the tresses are weak

Sure, The Left howls with indignation whenever somebody throws a pig's head into a mosque, but can we expect similar displays of piety when someone debases Christianity by abusing wigs and other Glamour-enhancing accessories in the commission of a crime?
Police in the Washington region are warning bank tellers about a thief they have dubbed the "Wig Lady."

Authorities say a short, well-dressed middle-aged woman has been walking into banks in Montgomery County, Md., and the District of Columbia wearing wigs and other accessories to impersonate account holders.

She has stolen more than $200,000 from the checking accounts of at least 20 women since September, said Montgomery police Detective Brandon Mengedoht, who calls it one of the most brazen schemes he has investigated.
Here's my prediction about the hate-merchants of The Left: They'll either ignore it completely because it's too "complex" and doesn't lend itself easily to the pat Al Qaeda-Good/America-Bad narrative they've established (to which I say: you're not trying hard enough!), or they'll try to dismiss this Outrage as merely some isolated incident amongst the otherwise law-abiding & Glamour-respecting moonbat community.

Let's not kid ourselves. Liberal bloggers have been cultivating this sort of animosity towards the Christian practice of Cosmetology ever since God chose Our President in the 2000 election. This crime wave is the first fruits of the bitter harvest that the overheated rhetoric from the Left -side of the blogosphere promises to deliver. Get ready to see plenty more of this sort of disregard for law & order until Democrats finally come to their senses and enact a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Praise Him!

Monday, July 24, 2006

The paper chaste

As my all too brief stint in beauty school taught me, America's institutions of higher learning have been utterly vanquished by The Left's orthodoxy of political correctness. Even the smallest demonstration of my Faith (e.g. blessing the cuticle sticks before Intro to Man/Ped, or requesting a moment of silence to pray for the conversion of the Jews at the start of Frosting & Streaking) was met with Unhinged howls of liberal outrage from my instructors and fellow students alike, and I spent countless hours instructing the administration of Martinelli's School of Beauty on the the most basic points of Constitutional law. You would think that Baptist colleges would seek to provide a safe haven for us persecuted Christians from this same sort of Godless indoctrination by the Darwinists and their radical homosexual cohorts. Unfortunately, you couldn't be more wrong:
Georgetown [College] is among a half-dozen colleges and universities whose ties with state Baptist conventions have been severed in the last four years, part of a broad realignment in which more than a dozen Southern Baptist universities, including Wake Forest and Furman, have ended affiliations over the last two decades. Georgetown’s parting was ultimately amicable. But many have been tense, even bitter.

In Georgia and Missouri, disputes over who controls the boards of Baptist colleges led to prolonged litigation. In Tennessee, a clash over whether Belmont University in Nashville could appoint non-Baptists to its board led the Tennessee Baptist Convention to vote in May to remove the entire board. Belmont’s trustees are still running the university, and while negotiations are continuing, the battle for control could end up in court. ...

The issues vary from state to state. But many Southern Baptist colleges and their state conventions have been battling over money, control of boards of trustees, whether the Bible must be interpreted literally, how evolution is taught, the propriety of some books for college courses and of some plays for campus performances and whether cultural and religious diversity should be encouraged.
How sad to see the spirit of philosophical inquiry being extinguished by the Huns of The Left, as nothing is more precious to them than ensuring lock-step conformity of thought on Our Nation's campuses. I can only hope that Bob Jones U can hold these assasins back long enough for me to get my degree in Cosmetology Management, with a focus on Public Policy. Praise Him!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Blessed are the merchandisers

Not even the liberal Los Angeles Times can ignore the the hottest trend in Christendom: shopping your way to the Pearly Gates. In a rare instance of not committing treason, they introduce us to the must-have products every Christian gal needs in her shopping cart in order to secure her one-way ticket to Salvation:
Virtuous Woman perfume comes packaged with a passage from Proverbs. But what makes the floral fragrance distinctly Christian, Hobbs said, is that it's supposed to be a tool for evangelism.

"It should be enticing enough to provoke questions: 'What's that you're wearing?' " Hobbs said. "Then you take that opportunity to speak of your faith. They've opened the door, and now they're going to get it." ...
How gratifying that in an age when The Left is routinely using perfume to promote its agenda of hermaphroditism (c.f. CK One, Charlie), somebody is taking a stand for the traditional gender roles laid out in The Bible. And I sure could have used a bottle of Virtuous Woman today after that second can of Hormel Cheezy Mac N Beef for lunch, which I explained to my aggrieved coworkers was the smell of Sin wafting in from the video store across the parking lot.

Fortunately, it's not only we ladies who are the beneficiaries of this marketing trend. Your husband can even be reminded of his God-given Dominance every time he shoots and kills one of God's creations:
Christian Outdoorsman was taking orders for a camouflage baseball cap with a red cross. In Booth 235, Revelation Products of St. Louis was pitching golf balls and flip-flops. Follow the Son flip-flops have patterned soles that leave the message "Follow Jesus" in the sand.

Gospel Golf Balls are touted as "a great golf ball with a greater purpose." Manufactured by Top-Flite, the golf balls are printed with well-known verses from the Bible, such as John 3:16 ("For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son…. "). Dave Kruse, president of Revelation, said they were meant as "conversation starters," to help men share their faith while teeing up.
I myself have vowed to never again play golf again (credit a horrifying misunderstanding at Dinah Shore Weekend that I'd really rather forget about), but if I did, I would have loved having my golf balls emblazoned with Matthew 27:25 ("Then answered all the people, and said, His blood be on us, and on our children."). Far more Inspirational and much more to the point* if you ask me.

Unfortunately, since this is the LA Times, they had to find some way of mocking Our Faith. The obligatory Christian-bashing comes via their quoted "expert":
The effect of such products, according to political scientist Alan Wolfe, is to create almost a parallel universe, one that allows Christians to withdraw from the world instead of engaging it as Christ commanded.

"It's as if they're saying the task of bringing people to Jesus is too hard, so let's retreat into a fortress," said Wolfe, who directs the Boisi Center for Religion and American Public Life at Boston College.

"Evangelism is about reaching out and converting the unsaved," Wolfe said. "This is about putting a fence around people who are already saved. It strikes me as if they're giving up."
Whatever, Heather. We're not saying it's too hard, we're just saying they're not worth it. Praise Him!

*But I staunchly support Israel, right or wrong! [UPDATE: Wrong? What was I thinking?]

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Personal Worst

Despite what you'd think, there hasn't even been one story on the events of the Rapture unfolding in the Middle East told from the perspective of Christian cosmetology, so I suspect MSM has imposed another one of their news blackouts on the topic. Rest assured, I will keep looking until my Prayer Warriors tell me otherwise. In the meantime, let's look at what the terrorist's fifth column here in the United States is up to.

The Left recently gave us an unwitting glimpse of who's really pulling the levers behind the curtain -- meet your new with lesbian/trial lawyer/secular humanist/vegetarian overlords:
A lesbian couple filed a medical malpractice lawsuit Tuesday claiming cancer treatments damaged their sexual relationship. Their attorneys said it is the first lawsuit of its kind under Connecticut's new law allowing civil unions for gay couples.
These chapstick lesbians should be laughed out of court. Everyone knows that aging dykes don't have sex; they argue. It serves the same damn purpose: infecting America's body politic with the PC retrovirus. It's time Americans woke up and saw what the gay rights agenda really is: a radical ploy by the ACLU to litigate America into dhimmitude. Praise Him!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

America's next top menace

I'm sure if that raving nancy Andy Warhol were alive today, he'd muse how on the internets, everyone will be History's Greatest Monster for fifteen minutes. Last week we saw that honor bequeathed upon Deb Frisch, who found that making threats against a two year old child could catapult her from total obscurity to the poster child of What's Wrong With The Left and topic number one amongst the blogging glitterati.* The fact that this honor was available to a nobody like Frisch shows how extensively blogging has leveled the playing field: it's made the possibility of receiving a frigate's worth of scorn from third tier right-wing pundits available to anyone. Could anything be more small-d democratic?

That got me thinking: Who will be the next person to be named History's Greatest Monster? We'll let the BLOGOSPHERE decide! Read over the list of nominees who embody this newly opened frontier and cast your vote. Ballot integrity is guaranteed by Diebold -- Praise Them!

John Cougar Mellencamp: My Prayer Warriors at Newsmax have tipped us off to the latest Hollywood Celebrity to come come Unhinged:

Former Vice President Dan Quayle walked out of a John Mellencamp concert in Nevada this weekend after the performer took a verbal shot at President George W. Bush.

Quayle, who served as vice president from 1989-93 with Bush’s father, President George H.W. Bush, left the concert after Mellencamp dedicated his rendition of "Walking Tall” to "everyone hurt by the policies of the current Bush administration,” according to the San Jose Mercury News.

Quayle immediately left the concert. He later said through a publicist, "Well, I think Mellencamp’s performance was not very good to begin with, and the comment put it over the top.”
Unmentioned in this piece is the dustup that occurred between the two over the correct spelling of the song "R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A."

Angela Merkel: What is it with these frigid European man-haters? The Honor of having the Leader of the Free World lovingly caress your shoulders is rivaled only by having Jeff Goldstein slap you in the face with his masterful cock. You swoon and and melt into his arms and go all Molly Bloom on his ass; you don't grimace like Condi Rice just walked by and cut one. Show some appreciation, sister, 'cause you've just given the moonbats half-megaton warhead for their anti-Bush jihad.

Valerie Plame: [h/t: loyal Nancy-Cons Needlenose] Evidently her menial desk job of sorting binder clips at the CIA didn't give this publicity-hungry whore enough time to bask in the limelight, so now she's dragging the good names of Dick Cheney and Karl Rove through the mud in order to get more of the attention she so desperately craves:

The suit filed last week by Plame and her husband, former Ambassador Joe Wilson, against Bush biggies -- Veep Dick Cheney, Cheney's former chief of staff Scooter Libby and Bush guru Karl Rove -- is equally nonsensical. As CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin put it, "I think this lawsuit ranks somewhere between an actual lawsuit and a publicity stunt."

"She wasn't fired," noted attorney Victoria Toensing, who served in the Reagan administration. "She worked for two and a half years (at the CIA) after the revelation. Nobody fired her. She's got a book deal she would not have had."

And, I'll add, Plame's deal to write her memoirs for Simon & Schuster -- after a $2.5 million deal with Crown Publishing fell through -- is not stopping the Wilsons from making online solicitations to bankroll "counseling them for their potential witness testimony" in Libby's trial and/or their dubious lawsuit. They need counseling to testify?

Pathetic. I can't recall seeing anyone this desperate to make herself a household name since Courtney Love... which certainly could explain a lot. Has anyone bothered to check her or her husband's arms for needle tracks? You don't need to be Bill Frist, MD to diagnose such an obvious case of heroin-exacerbated Bush Derangement Syndrome.

Glenn Greenwald: Mr. Greenwald threatens to singlehandedly undo the great strides in civil discourse made in the blogosphere by holding that conservatives be held to the same standard as liberals. Have you ever heard of such nonsense?

Anyway, vote, and make your voice heard. Praise Him!

Who is presently History's Greatest Monster?
John Cougar Mellencamp
Angela Merkel
Valerie Plame
Glenn Greenwald
Free polls from Pollhost.com

*though in all fairness to Ms. Frisch, had I known that this was all it took, I may possibly have done the same.

Sister Nancy Beth's wedding bell blues

Hello, Christians! Exciting "behind-the-scenes" developments made blogging a pretty low priority the past few days, so I figured I needed to tack on an extra day to my blogging sabbatical. Once again the pro-Sodomy agenda of radical homosexual activists is threatening to rip America's Families apart, and this time it's personal: in a nutshell, my brother's wife of 10 years filed for divorce without his even knowing it, and then started threatening to move with their two kids to some miserable crater in Arizona. Perhaps they were heartened by the recent court ruling upholding Nebraska's gay marriage ban, because the flurry of email messages from last night & this morning seem to indicate that they are going to try to patch things up... no thanks to those dastardly homosexuals, mind you. Christians, it can happen to you, so please be on guard.

In other Marriage-themed news, the ceremony Jesus & I went to in Newport Beach was quite lovely, but I was distressed, to put it mildly, that the officiating minister didn't find it necessary to include any language stating that Marriage is the bedrock institution of Western Culture, nor did he exhort the bride to quickly get pregnant. This sort of Political Correctness run amok will surely be the death of Our Country. Praise Him!

Thursday, July 13, 2006


I hope you don't feel neglected today, Christians, but last night I protested a homosexual recruitment film that will surely ensnare millions of unsuspecting souls into that perverted lifestyle. Believe me when I say that it is nothing less than Hollywood's 9/11 attack upon the twin towers of Our Nation's Virtue. I have been in a state of Christian shock ever since I left the Q&A session last night, and have only recently become able to summon the words to describe this Abomination I saw.

Queer Duck: The Movie was playing as part of something called "Outfest," where the nancies film their bad performance art installations (usually consisting of shoving yams up their bodily cavities and smearing God only knows what on American flags) and then present these as documentaries. Or at least that's what I wish I had seen. All I can say is that Outfilth has truly outdone themselves with this vile skin reel.

Queer Duck joins Spongebob Squarepants and Peppermint Patti in the pantheon of characters created with the sole purpose of turning your Christian child into a raving nancy. Along with his pack of bitchy friends (Openly Gator, Bi Polar Bear, & Oscar Wildcat, with cameo appearances by the likes of Genital Warthog, Truman Coyote, etc.), he encounters a long-faded female star, marries her, attempts to resume a life with Christ* through homosexual conversion therapy, but fails because his inherent tendency for receptive anal intercourse is too strong to overcome. The Christian preacher who attempted this conversion goes Unhinged, they end up in a blimp over a gay theme park, and telling too much more would expose me to accusations of plot spoilers. There are plenty of vicious jabs at celebrities like Mariah Carey and Rosie O'Donnell (not to mention the obligatory seditious "jokes" about Our President and Dick Cheney that should be illegal during a time of war), so the queens were lapping up this toxic swill like nectar. I should also note that we have on film for the first time the public admission that exposure to musical theater and Barbra Streisand can result in same-sex attraction.

At the beginning of the screening, Director Mike Reiss admitted that it was made by six Jews (I hope you've got your hearing aid turned on, William Donohue), which certainly explains why it exhibits more anti-Christian sentiment than anything since The Passion of the Christ. The Preacher is depicted as fanatical in his quest to bring Queer Duck to The Lord, and at a certain point, a crucifix comes to life to abet the getaway of the homos,** implying that Christ Himself is giving His Blessing to these fudgepackers. Jesus may have said some wacky shit back during His first go-around, but I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nothing in there about the acceptance of homos.

Queer Duck presents a threat of the gravest magnitude to Our Nation. I'm so determined to make my church ladies be aware of the danger it presents that I've already ordered a copy from Amazon so they can protest it when they come over to visit. I would also encourage all of you to protest it as opportunity allows. If you wish to inoculate yourself against its homosexualizing effects, please go here. Praise Him!

Update: I forgot to mention that Jesus & I will be taking a long weekend as we travel to PromisedLandWest (aka Orange County) for a Traditional Marriage. See you Monday!

* Although he wouldn't know it because he's Jewish.
** Like I said, Jewish.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Cameroon - Heaven on earth?

In my search for today's Outrage to blog about, I serendipitously came across two news stories about Cameroon. While my usual inclination is to dismiss Third World countries as little more than breeding grounds for future illegal immigrants or despotic Taliban-like regimes, these items in particular got me to thinking: Could this West African nation be a better place for God's chosen people* to set up shop and await the Rapture than Israel? After all, God's been a pretty crappy landlord to let the Palestinians move in after He promised it to the Jews, and the place hasn't seen new carpet or paint in millenia. And let's be realistic: somebody needs to claim one of these developing African nations in the name of Conservatism before Hollywood nabs them all. So let's look at the case for Cameroon.

Public safety. It seems my Prayers have been answered and the people of Cameroon no longer need to live in mortal terror of being gored by rhinoceroses:
The West African black rhinoceros has likely gone extinct, the World Conservation Union (IUCN) announced last week.

"The West African black rhino is now feared extinct," the Switzerland-based environmental group said, and Africa's northern white rhino could soon follow.

Extensive surveys in northern Cameroon (map of Cameroon), the animals' last known refuge, found no trace of the rhino subspecies.
Naturally, liberal media is spinning this as a setback for their pet cause, environmentalism, rather than heralding this as the welcome development it truly is. Excuse me, MSM, but your bias is showing:
The survey failed to find any sign of the West African black rhino.

"They looked for spoor [tracks or droppings], they looked for the rhino's characteristic way of feeding, which has an effect like a pruning shear," Emslie, a rhino expert based in KwaZulu-Natal Province, South Africa, told the news service.

"But they didn't find anything to indicate a continued presence in the area.

"They did, however, come across lots of evidence of poaching, and that's the disconcerting thing."

Poachers have hunted the animals for decades for their ivory horns to supply markets in Yemen and Asia ...

IUCN says poachers likely gave the final push that sent the subspecies into oblivion.
Oh, brother! In the looking-glass world of The Left, the madrassas where illegal immigrants learn the ancient Aztec art of human sacrifice are "charter schools", global warming is caused by human consumption of fossil fuels, and those who bypass the cumbersome regulatory process for getting some low-level bureaucrat to rubberstamp your hunting permit are "poachers" - whatever, Heather. No wonder people mistrust traditional media.

World's largest Modesty Zone. America's proponents of Modesty could certainly learn a thing or two from the women of Cameroon:
Worried that her daughters' budding breasts would expose them to the risk of sexual harassment and even rape, their mother Philomene Moungang started 'ironing' the girls' bosoms with a heated stone. ...

"Breast ironing" -- the use of hard or heated objects or other substances to try to stunt breast growth in girls -- is a traditional practice in West Africa, experts say.

A new survey has revealed it is shockingly widespread in Cameroon, where one in four teen-agers are subjected to the traumatic process by relatives, often hoping to lessen their sexual attractiveness.
You would think that in a world where young girls emulate harlots like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, the fact that they want to keep their dirty pillows as inconspicuous as possible would be regarded as a positive development. Instead, it's another opportunity for MSM to bash Christianity:
The practice is most common in the Christian and animist South of the country, rather than in the Muslim North and Far North provinces, where only 10 percent of women are affected.

The survey found that in 58 percent of cases breast ironing was carried out by mothers worried that the onset of puberty could provoke sexual harassment, inhibit their daughters' studies or even stunt their growth.

Many mothers were alarmed because an improvement in nutrition and living conditions had caused young girls' breasts to develop earlier than ever.
That's just great. Rather than assigning blame for turning these girls into precocious little skanks to the UN's childhood nutrition programs, it's the Christians (and the animists, whoever the hell they are, and I'm not too sure I like being lumped in with them) who are responsible. Thanks, MSM, for once again showing your true colors. Praise Him!

*After us Christians, naturally.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

How gay is Pottery Barn?

I've never tried to hide my anger towards Pottery Barn. To this day, I hold them and them alone responsible for recruiting me into the homosexual lifestyle through their agressive campaign of mail order catalogs. Every week I was titillated with one fantastically chic living room arrangement after the next. I make no excuses, but present glamorous enough depictions of homosexuality long enough and even someone as unquestionably heterosexual as Jeff Gannon can be seduced into it. I won't profess to having had the strongest grip on masculinity at the time, so maybe a stronger man could have resisted, but I held up as long as I could. Ultimately, they broke me.

I had assumed that decorative Pottery Barn objets would litter my newly homosexual digs like Che Guevara t-shirts at a Drinking Liberally bitch session. I met up with a reality-based community of a different sort, however, pretty early on. My rapid spiral downwards with regards to home furnishings is the stuff of eternal heartbreak, and some other time -- when I'm stronger -- I will tell the whole sordid tale of second-hand wicker from Van Nuys yard sales. But not now.

After I hit my bottom, I broke it off with Pottery Barn and had a rather lengthy conversation with their customer service department (They're good: "Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about."). Maybe they think I've got the seven year itch or something, because those pesky catalogs have started showing up again. I used to just throw them out, but then I started reading them for laughs. Now I read them to know Thine enemy and see these catalogs for what they are: brilliantly cloaked homosexual pornography transmitting subtly coded signals to vulnerable youths such as myself.

Take, for instance, their "Message Center," from which you can handily plot the advancement of your radical gay agenda at the expense of the rights of us Christians:

You will see that somebody has written "*2pm CLAM BAKE" on it. The only place where anyone would engage in such self-consciously dandy behavior as that is in a coastal homosexual resort like Provincetown. You will also see above that a post card of California -- what more need I say? Pottery Barn is the Pied Piper of Sodomy leading your child to a life of Sin. Will anyone dare stop them? And don't even get me started on this. Praise Him!

Let go & let Sister Nancy Beth

I have to admit that the Los Angeles Times is the last place I'd go looking for Inspirational stories to blog about, but if this isn't cause for Rejoicing, nothing is:
Global Warming May Shrink Vineyards

Global warming could wither many premium vineyards in California and across the nation by the end of the century, according to a new computerized climate projection released Monday.

A predicted rise in the number of days hotter than 95 degrees during the growing season could sharply reduce the amount of areas suitable for vintage wine-grape production, an international team of scientists concluded in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Marginal vineyards nationwide might be eliminated and those capable of producing the most expensive premium wines may be reduced by half, the researchers reported. Although wine is produced in 48 states, California's $16.5-billion industry, with more than 500,000 acres of vineyards, accounts for almost 90% of the nation's wine grapes. ...

As growing seasons become hotter, winemaking areas would shift north and to higher elevations, the researchers said. Grape-growing areas in California would shrink to a narrow coastal band. In the Southwest and the Midwest, wine production would be almost completely eliminated.
Not only does global warming promise to turn your exurb into valuable beachfront property, but it may also cure America of the Moral failing of alcoholism! No wonder those chardonnay-sipping Deaniacs are always harping on "renewable energy" and "alternative fuels" -- it's just another desperate ruse for pushing away Our Savior. In order to sooner bring these sinners to Christ, I'm going to take a few extra laps around the block in the Praisemobile before I park her tonight. After all, Our Nation's temperance depends on it. My only fear in all of this is that Al Gore will subject us to a remake of Sideways, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Praise Him!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Satan is the reason for the treason

Why is it that our elected officials are forever falling all over themselves to compromise National Security and sacrifice Christian Values in order to placate special interest groups? Conservative blog readers are acutely aware of how DC-area buses are now at risk of being trimmed with pink chiffon steering wheel covers and rainbow flag window decals now that Robert Smith has been removed from his position on the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority board. But that's nothing compared to the drubbing Christianity is taking in Virginia, which is threatening to turn into a vipers' nest of Islezbofascist radicalism on par with Afghanistan Somalia:
The Witch of Pungo is no longer a witch. Gov. Timothy M. Kaine on Monday exonerated Grace Sherwood, who 300 years ago became Virginia's only woman convicted as a witch tried by water.

"I am pleased to officially restore the good name of Grace Sherwood," Kaine wrote in a letter Virginia Beach Mayor Meyera Oberndorf read aloud before a re-enactment of Sherwood's being dropped into the river.

"With 300 years of hindsight, we all certainly can agree that trial by water is an injustice," Kaine wrote. "We also can celebrate the fact that a woman's equality is constitutionally protected today, and women have the freedom to pursue their hopes and dreams."
This is an Outrage! Don't the moonbats realize how important trial by water is in the Global War on Witchcraft? For Heaven's sake, it's been similarly reliable in the Global War on Terror. Liberals are siding with the terrorists and retroactively opening our borders up to all sorts of chemical and nuclear attacks by these actions. How many more convictions of America's sworn enemies will The Left overturn with the flimsy "Living Constitution" doctrine in order to appease America's enemies?

I wish I could say this is just some freak occurrence, but let's keep a few things in mind. Kaine is something of a rising star among the treasonous left, and as for "Ms." Sherwood... well, read between the lines:
Sherwood, a midwife who at times wore men's clothes, lived in what today is the rural Pungo neighborhood, and later became known as "The Witch of Pungo." Her neighbors thought she was a witch who ruined crops, killed livestock and conjured storms, and she went to court a dozen times, either to fight witchcraft charges or to sue her accusers for slander.

She was 46 when she was accused in her final case of using her powers to cause a neighbor to miscarry.
I've never seen such a blatant case of pandering to the cross-dressing/pro-abortion/vegeterian/global warming/trial lawyer lunatic fringe of the Democratic Party. If this "woman" were alive today, she'd be a tenured professor at some elite law school with a heavily trafficked blog. What a dark day for America it is that The Left has chosen to sink to these craven depths. Praise Him!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

The incredible shrinking Virtue

As someone who was conscripted into joining the Conservative movement by Phyllis Schafly's softly feminine hairdo, I know as few others do how Psychology is one of the tools The Left is using to pick open the lock on Our Nation's beleaguered chastity belt. In Psychology, your sins are absolved by uncovering memories of bad potty training or some such nonsense, so you are free to free to rape and kill your mother at your leisure and still keep your position as troop leader in the Cub Scouts. Tragically, this seems to be the moonbat's battering ram of choice these days. Here are their latest predations on Taste & Decency:

Human lab rats: The Left's favorite subjects for their psychological experiments are YOUR CHILDREN. Prayer Warrior Mona Charen uncovers the Satanic incantations these precious lambs are being taught:
"Boys shouldn't cry. (they should be like diminutive adult males, independent, self contained, and tough. they should bear pain and hurt with a kind of stoicism and emotional flatness exemplified by rugged males in cigarette commercials and by romantic depictions of fighters and the wild, wild west.)

"Girls should always be nice. (Talk nice talk. Never say anything negative. Do nice things. Never do anything that would make someone look askance at you. Nice girls DON'T.) ...

"Don't talk, think or feel about sex, money, and feelings. (Talk . . . well, talk stirs things up, gets people upset, well it just causes more trouble. When it comes to sex, money and feelings, silence takes on a precious eloquence. Silence is not only golden, it's high grade platinum.)
I think we can all agree that giving young people the language to articulate their feelings is a terrible thing. Take those personal pathologies and turn them into a lucrative career as a conservative pundit instead.

Smile for a change, you fat pig: A favorite target of Hollywood's voodoo Psychologist priests is Biblical Authority, which they are forever trying to undermine with their quackery. Here they proclaim that depression has some correlation with obesity, whereas any Christian will tell you that it's God's punishment for violating His prohibitions against Gluttony:
Obese people are 25% more likely to suffer mood and anxiety disorders -- and 25% less likely to suffer substance abuse disorders -- than people who aren't obese.
Outrageous! Next these Dr. Frauds will be telling us there's no signicant relationship between blindness and the frequency with which one practices Onanism.

Culture of Death: As any Christian can tell you, the only time anyone actually experiences insanity is in the presence of radical homosexual activists, and usually after eating too many snackcakes. So their flocking to the defense of the Ward Churchill of family planning, Andrea Yates, was completely predictable. I'm sorry to report to you that killing her children wasn't the only violation of Christian Doctrine "Ms." Yates happily committed:
Starbranch said she treated Yates after she tried to kill herself by overdosing on sleeping pills in June 1999.

About a month later, Starbranch said, Yates' then-husband, Rusty, told her that Yates had held a knife to her own throat the previous day.

Starbranch said Yates had a bald spot on her head from scratching it, had not been taking her antipsychotic medication, had filthy hair and could not function. Starbranch said she sent the couple immediately to a mental hospital so Andrea Yates could be admitted.
Andres Yates: anti-Family, anti-Glamour, and anti-American. Honestly, I haven't seen a woman enjoy bad grooming and the deaths of her children this much since Cindy Sheehan. When will the The Left tire of her antics?

Will America wise up to this threat in our midst? I'm sounding the alarm, but no one seems to be responding. Praise Him!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Voodoo mathematics

Our President should appoint Human Events Online columnist Michael Lewis as head of the Office of Management & Budget as soon as possible. In the course of bitching about the deleterious influence nancyhood has on academics, he miraculously turns water into numerical wine (my emphasis):
Instead of classifying people’s achievements according to their sleeping preferences, schoolchildren across America should be learning about America’s great heritage, along with grammar, math, and reading. If we are to continue as a great nation, American schoolchildren must be taught subjects of real value in life, not about sleeping preferences and disabilities as the thing which defines historical figures. Unfortunately, it looks as though in ten years, California students will have no idea that 11 times 10 is 121, but they’ll certainly know that the important thing is not that Ellen DeGeneres made America laugh, but that she was gay.
Something tells me that with math skills like that, Providence will once again bless Our Nation with prosperity in a matter of months. Praise Him!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The seeds of our destruction

This is Outrageous! It's getting so a Christian can't even enjoy the simple pleasures of masturbating into a cup without radical homosexual activists getting up in his face and foisting their perverted "alternative lifestyle" on him:
A sperm donor who specified that his contributions only be used to father children of heterosexual couples has unknowingly fathered children for three lesbian partnerships.

The Daily Mail reported Sunday on the abuse of sperm donors by fertility clinics who fail to honour the terms of donor contracts—the London Women’s Clinic violated the donor’s contract five times, neglecting to honour the man’s condition that same sex couples would not use his sperm. The clinic's breach of contract was found out by the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA).

Four lesbian women attempted to conceive using his sperm—three were successful. Additionally, even after the clinic discovered the mistake, it gave one couple permission to use the sperm again in order to conceive a sibling for their first baby.
Sadly, sperm-bank robbery by marauding gangs of overly fertile lesbos is only one strand of lawlessness occurring at your local* fertility clinic. Never forget that millions of America's tiniest political prisoners are imprisoned in those gulags masquerading as Frigidaires, and the homicidal Alzheimer's lobby is forever calling for their defrosting. Save the children! And praise Him!

*Assuming you're in England, that is.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy birthday, America!

Here's MSM's gift for you. It looks as if Jack Murtha picked it out himself. I sure hope you like treason:
CBS News correspondent Jim Stewart reports that according to investigators, the incident took place near a U.S. manned checkpoint outside the village of Mamudiayh, an area of heavy fighting.

Green and three other soldiers allegedly entered a private house after a night of drinking. While the others held a 25-year-old Iraqi woman in the front room, Green took an Iraqi man, a woman and five year old girl into a back bedroom and closed the door. Shots were fired. "I just killed them. All are dead," Green allegedly told his buddies.

Green then allegedly raped the younger Iraqi woman before shooting her at least twice in the head and setting fire to her body, Stewart reports. One obvious question, he adds, is whether insurgents later targeted this unit in reprisal for the murders. For now, Stewart adds, there's no evidence that's the case.
It sickens me how The Left is turning your run of the mill he said/she said contretemps into a federal case, but these people are so desperate to discredit Our President, they'll grasp at the flimsiest of straws. Disgraceful!
Anyway, I know you'll probably want to exchange that white elephant, so be sure you get the receipt. In the meantime, be prepared to be blown away by my gift:

That's right, it's a SnackMaster! Those of us of a certain vintage will fondly recall the dizzying array of snacks you could whip up with this pimped-out waffle iron, all in a matter of seconds. But that's only part of its allure. As a child of Ronald Reagan's Morning in America, I posit the following: The SnackMaster's 30 minute infomercial, which dished out all manner of pies, muffins, and turnovers to a people ravenous for Freedom after the collapse of the Evil Empire, represents a similar quantum leap in mass media and communications that blogging does. Just as network programming was unshackled from MSM's mandate for glossy production values and something called coherence, we rightwing bloggers have been similarly Liberated from our liberal oppressors. No longer must the anonymous masses who stumble across this blog late at night looking for porn go hungry. Just remember, gentle reader, that the secret ingredient in my nacho-tuna pockets is Freedom. Praise Him!