Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

How gay is Pottery Barn?

I've never tried to hide my anger towards Pottery Barn. To this day, I hold them and them alone responsible for recruiting me into the homosexual lifestyle through their agressive campaign of mail order catalogs. Every week I was titillated with one fantastically chic living room arrangement after the next. I make no excuses, but present glamorous enough depictions of homosexuality long enough and even someone as unquestionably heterosexual as Jeff Gannon can be seduced into it. I won't profess to having had the strongest grip on masculinity at the time, so maybe a stronger man could have resisted, but I held up as long as I could. Ultimately, they broke me.

I had assumed that decorative Pottery Barn objets would litter my newly homosexual digs like Che Guevara t-shirts at a Drinking Liberally bitch session. I met up with a reality-based community of a different sort, however, pretty early on. My rapid spiral downwards with regards to home furnishings is the stuff of eternal heartbreak, and some other time -- when I'm stronger -- I will tell the whole sordid tale of second-hand wicker from Van Nuys yard sales. But not now.

After I hit my bottom, I broke it off with Pottery Barn and had a rather lengthy conversation with their customer service department (They're good: "Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about."). Maybe they think I've got the seven year itch or something, because those pesky catalogs have started showing up again. I used to just throw them out, but then I started reading them for laughs. Now I read them to know Thine enemy and see these catalogs for what they are: brilliantly cloaked homosexual pornography transmitting subtly coded signals to vulnerable youths such as myself.

Take, for instance, their "Message Center," from which you can handily plot the advancement of your radical gay agenda at the expense of the rights of us Christians:

You will see that somebody has written "*2pm CLAM BAKE" on it. The only place where anyone would engage in such self-consciously dandy behavior as that is in a coastal homosexual resort like Provincetown. You will also see above that a post card of California -- what more need I say? Pottery Barn is the Pied Piper of Sodomy leading your child to a life of Sin. Will anyone dare stop them? And don't even get me started on this. Praise Him!


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