Edicts of Nancy

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Silk Wrapture

I don't know about you, but the recent coronation of Markos "Daily Kos" Moulitsas as arbiter of whether or not the New York Times can disclose top-secret national security programs has me so angry I can barely see straight. What did America ever do to him to make him hate it so much? I know that when I have this sort of Outrage welling up within me, there's only one way to diffuse it and keep from wasting my beautiful mind: updating the Rapture Index with stories about cosmetology (prior updates here, here, here, here, & here). If these recent items are any indication, Jesus will be officially kicking off End Times down here sooner than we expect.

Cosmetics in the Holy Land: Can there be any uncertainty that John of Patmos looked deep inside the entrails of his disemboweled chickens and saw this Heavenly development as he penned the Book of Revelation?

International cosmetics chain L’Oreal Paris is opening its first flagship store in Israel. The company plans to open ten stores within three years. The first store will be opened under the store-in-store concept at New Hamashbir Lazarchan Ltd. in the Kiryon Mall in Kiryat Bialik. The idea is to create an international self-service cosmetic shopping experience.
Granted, there's always the chance some wayward IDF artillery shell could take it out before Doomsday, but I'm pretty sure what we're looking at is the Third Temple. Increase Rapture Index by 3.

Makeup used to uphold Traditional Values: Sister Nancy Beth believes that children are the future -- "Beat them well and let them bleed," as that lovely hymn goes. So it delighted my spirit like nothing else to read what an important role cosmetics played in maintaining discipline in this Christian household:

A registered nurse and her live-in boyfriend are being held in the Marion County Jail.

He is accused of beating her 5-year-old son so badly that the next morning the mom used makeup to cover the bruises, WESH 2 News reported.

Detectives said the mother told the boy the makeup she was applying to hide the bruises would actually make him feel better.
It made me feel better just reading about it. Discipline mixed with love and a little concealer to cover the bruises has always been the best recipe for raising children, I recall hearing somewhere... I think it may have been James Dobson. Anyway, this is a resounding victory for Our Nation's families everywhere. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

Advancing Secularism: I've written about the threat that so-called "natural beauty" products pose before, but their sinister aims bear repeating: The sole purpose of "all-natural" beauty aids is to turn our young girls into pro-abortionist Lesbians who want to permanently raise the Death Tax and expose America to Islamofascist attacks through vigorous enforcement of Title IX. Let's see what they've got in store for us this time:
Bess Cosmetics is made from minerals that have healing capabilities, provide sun protection, and have anti-inflammatory properties and long-lasting coverage. The full line of products ranges from foundation and concealer to lipstick and eyeshadow and are non-comedogenic and have no talc, fragrance or dyes.

Bess Cosmetics is designed to be an extension of a woman's skincare regime, Turner said, and are great for acne prone, sensitive, post-surgical, rosacea, and laser resurfaced skin.
I don't know where this hippie got all this hearts & flowers shit about applying makeup, but the three hours I spend each morning toiling before the mirror is hardly like dancing the maypole at the Renaissance Faire. Glamour is hard work, but Salvation doesn't come easily.

So who would even be behind this reheated slice of 70's Maoism? (emphasis added)
But it was a big investment and a big commitment for the woman who now juggles three careers. Besides being an entrepreneur, [owner Bess] Turner is a third-grade teacher at Northfield Elementary School and does sales and marketing for her husband singer/songwriter Bryan Turner. She has no plans to drop any of commitments anytime in the near future.
"Naturally." This whole thing is another crazy experiment that escaped from the NEA laboratory. Increase Rapture Index by 2, and Praise Him!

[Wednesday a.m. update - crazy link problem fixed... wtf?]

5 Comments:

  • At June 28, 2006 9:29 AM, Blogger Carmen Sutra said…

    I hadn't realized that Whitney had returned to the fold. Praise him! For yea, crack is indeed wack.

     
  • At June 28, 2006 12:32 PM, Blogger The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah said…

    You've hit the nail on the hand with the "all-natural" cosmetics. Ever since Dr. Bronner first bottled his Satanic soap, the all-natural cosmetic aisle has been a recruiting center for the tofu-eating, full moon-worshipping, carpet care wing of the Amerwiccan Occupational Government. Keep up the good work.

     
  • At June 29, 2006 4:32 PM, Blogger Sister Nancy Beth Eczema said…

    Carmen - This is the version the Youth Choir sings at Our Lady of the Denunciation. It's so much more uplifting, I'm sure you'll agree.

    Rev. Rabbi Judah - I've visited your blog and see we are of the same mind when it comes to the threat these things pose to Our Nation. Consider me a Sister-in-Arms.

     
  • At July 03, 2006 10:15 PM, Blogger Louise said…

    Dahling, I just know that you all would love to trip on over to Google or Yahoo and read "Open Letter to Todd Strandberg," "Thomas Ice (Bloopers)," and "Appendix F: Thou Shalt Not Steal." BTW, Todd's 45 or so "precursors" (that supposedly are signposts pointing to the rapture) actually continue after the time he allots for his rapture, actually intensify after that time, and are actually fulfilled years later at the final second coming. So take with a grain of salt his claim that they point only to a pretrib rapture - or that there will even be a pretrib rapture! No one before 1830 ever even heard of such an animal (type in "Pretrib Rapture Diehards" on Google to get the real skinny on how such a latter-day notion emerged out of thin air!). Now you know why Todd has that frozen grin on his face: his little circle of deluded followers keeps him from having to remember that NO great theologian or church historian has ever swallowed anything remotely resembling a pretribulation rapture! Louise

     
  • At February 02, 2007 9:44 AM, Blogger BeautyPro said…

    Bad info you have written on this business professional and I didn't think Christians were to do so much name calling hmmmm....

     

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