Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Glamourgeddon, here we come

The rain must be having a subduing effect, because I could barely get Outraged about anything today. On gloomy days like this, there's pretty much only one thing that will raise my spirits: predicting when the Rapture will hit, and using news about cosmetics as the tea leaves (methodology here).

France - It's hard to believe the criminal element who makes up the majority of the French population would try top their recent Intifadas, but they seem to have accomplished just that:

More than 10 000 jars of L'Oreal RevitaLift face cream were stolen from a factory in eastern France, police said on Tuesday.

The burglars pulled up a truck and stole the pinpointed merchandise in two separate locations of the factory in the Doubs region.

It's misdeeds like this make me wonder why the civilized world even allows France a place at the table. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

Auspicious Omens: I may not have gone to some fancy top-tier beauty school, so a lot of the financial mumbo-jumbo was lost on me, but this struck me as good news:
Southern Cosmetics announced its intent to become fully reporting with the SEC and to apply for OTC Bulletin Board listing. Once reporting status is achieved, Southern Cosmetics will seek to have its shares quoted on Nasdaq's Over-the-Counter Bulletin Board. The Company anticipates it will be able to meet exchange requirements and achieve reporting status within the next 6 months.

Despite my misfortune of being born in California, I am a Daughter of the Confederacy at heart, so I can only rejoice at the news of a ministry named Southern Cosmetics going legit with the SEC. Perhaps now the hegemonic death-grip that Blue State cosmetology presently has over the women of America will be loosened, and we Christians can adorn ourselves in a way that won't draw the usual sneers from coastal elites. And if this weren't a fortuitous enough sign, Southern Cosmetics produces Naomi Judd's suite of skin care products! (Remember -- it's Wynonna Judd you don't want to look like.) Something tells me that The Lord has a plan to keep things chuggin' down here on earth for the next few years, or at least for the duration of President Bush's reign, so reduce rapture index by 5.

Creeping Secularism - One of The Left's most effective tactics for luring lambs out of The Flock and into Satan's hungry jaws is making people "feel good about themselves," a message constantly being pumped through the Entertainment Industry. This anything-goes approach towards religion, sexuality, and patriotism has turned countless millions of Americans into fornicating homosexual witchcraft practitioners. How surprising, then, to read of yet another poison-tipped arrow in Hollywood's demonic quiver, this time a play. Please bear in mind that plays are especially profane, since the majority of what liberals consider "theatre" involves sticking yams up their asses while ranting about how much they hate God :
Hate your butt?

Don't let Donna Scott hear you say it.

The Charlotte actor, producer and self-described "accidental activist" behind the show "The Body Chronicles" will chide any woman she catches in a self-slamming moment -- in an exercise class, at a dinner party, even at the upscale cosmetics shop where she works part-time.

"I had a woman a few minutes ago who was asking about a lip-plumping product," Scott says. "She was going on about this scar she had by her lip, but I couldn't see it. I stared and stared and I finally saw what she was looking at. ... So I said, `You have great lips! You don't need that kind of product!' There," she adds, laughing, "I'm going to get fired now."

Scott's serious, though, about the message of "The Body Chronicles," a fringe hit from last year that comes to Spirit Square this week after getting a makeover of its own. The collection of dramatic and poetic pieces, by writers both famous and obscure, urges women to stop torturing themselves over how they look. Or think they look.
It looks as though this Bawdy Chronicles is trying to sell the great lie of "Natural Beauty" much in the same way The Ladyparts Monologues tried to sell the myth of the female orgasm. Well, ladies, you're welcome to delve into this moral cesspool, but with all due respect, I'd like to remind you of the following: If you're not freshening your makeup at least 10 times a day, the terrorists have won. Increase Rapture Index by 3 -- over & out...

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