Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Slow train coming

Awaiting The Rapture is serious business for any Christian woman, who needs her hair and nails to be absolutely perfect for her date with Kingdom Come. While I myself try to dress as though each day will be my last, it isn't always possible, particularly for those of us whose bosses monitor our timecards, mark them up with highlighters, and leave hateful little post-its with anti-Christian messages such as "This is your third tardy this week" or "Your pay is being docked 30 min" affixed to them. Some days it feels like a race against the clock to see what will happen first: Judgment Day or my getting the axe here at the Beauty Palace. Personally, I envision myself flipping Conchita the bird as I ascend Heavenwards for all the grief she's given me on account of my Faith.

The cosmetology/rapture beat has been awfully quiet lately, so until there's any breaking news on that front, this LA Times story will have to suffice. I applaud everyone (except the Muslims) for doing their part to hasten the arrival of this Glorious day, but I'd like to see a little more hustle from the Jews:
By contrast, Bill McCartney, a former University of Colorado football coach and co-founder of the evangelical Promise Keepers movement for men, which became huge in the 1990s, has had a devil of a time getting his own apocalyptic campaign off the ground.

It's called The Road to Jerusalem, and its mission is to convert Jews to Christianity — while there is still time.

"Our whole purpose is to hasten the end times," he said. "The Bible says Jews will be brought to jealousy when they see Christians and Jewish believers together as one — they'll want to be a part of that. That's going to signal Jesus' return."

Jews and others who don't accept Jesus, he added matter-of-factly, "are toast."

McCartney, who only a decade ago sermonized to stadium-size crowds of Promise Keepers, said finding people to back his sputtering cause has been "like plowing cement."

Given end-times scenarios saying that non-believers will die before Jesus returns — and that the antichrist will rule from Jerusalem's rebuilt Holy Temple — Jews have mixed feelings about the outpouring of support Israel has been getting from evangelical organizations.
Maybe if The Passion of the Christ had featured anal sex, they'd be more willing to convert. In the sequel, perhaps? We're counting on you, Mel. Praise Him!


  • At June 22, 2006 9:38 PM, Blogger dusty said…

    damn..rapture vs. getting the axe.I vote for getting canned..I ain't ready for the rapture..I got concert tickets for CSNY next month.

    Billy McCartney is nuts yes?

  • At June 22, 2006 10:38 PM, Blogger Mom of Three said…

    Yep. It's pretty hard to sell bending over and kissing your ass goodbye, in any market.

  • At June 23, 2006 12:56 AM, Blogger The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah said…

    I'm with Bill on this one. Most nations on Earth would wage global warfare for the right to claim the Son of God, Lord & Savior of mankind, as a hometown boy. And yet, for two thousand years, folks have been trying to convince us that He's one of our own, and here we Jews are, still saying, "I'll take Global Scapegoats for four hundred, please, Alex."

    As for the anal stuff, we've been outsourcing that since the time of the Second Temple. Kind of like turning on the lights on Shabbot.

  • At June 23, 2006 8:08 AM, Blogger Lulu Maude said…

    What a rich post, Sister... so many ideas for Deep Thought.

    I know what you mean about preparing for the Rapture. I have started to include a roots touch-up to every shampoo so that I will not be caught unaware when my Lord comes calling with my designer wings.

    Anal sex? Abortions? No Hollywood account of our Dear Lord should be without them!

    Coach Mc Cartney: despair not; the Lord is coming. Simply raise your eyes heavenward and keep your balls inflated.

    Praise Him!

  • At June 24, 2006 7:51 AM, Blogger Sister Nancy Beth Eczema said…

    Dusty: Be sure to request "Nancy Blue Eyes," as it used to be called, until that bitch Judy Collins mucked things up between me & the band.

    Mom of 3: It's only a hard sell if you know you're GOING TO HELL. For the rest of us, it's like winning the lottery, but with slightly worse odds.

    RRR Judah: Back in my days of selfish hedonism, I had more Jews in me than a midwestern synagogue, so you may wish to consult your sources on this particular matter.

    Lulu Maude: Your daily root touch-ups are Faith in action. You truly are a credit to Christian women everywhere.


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