Slow train coming

Awaiting The Rapture is serious business for any Christian woman, who needs her hair and nails to be absolutely perfect for her date with Kingdom Come. While I myself try to dress as though each day will be my last, it isn't always possible, particularly for those of us whose bosses monitor our timecards, mark them up with highlighters, and leave hateful little post-its with anti-Christian messages such as "This is your third tardy this week" or "Your pay is being docked 30 min" affixed to them. Some days it feels like a race against the clock to see what will happen first: Judgment Day or my getting the axe here at the Beauty Palace. Personally, I envision myself flipping Conchita the bird as I ascend Heavenwards for all the grief she's given me on account of my Faith.

The cosmetology/rapture beat has been awfully quiet lately, so until there's any breaking news on that front, this LA Times story will have to suffice. I applaud everyone (except the Muslims) for doing their part to hasten the arrival of this Glorious day, but I'd like to see a little more hustle from the Jews:

By contrast, Bill McCartney, a former University of Colorado football coach and co-founder of the evangelical Promise Keepers movement for men, which became huge in the 1990s, has had a devil of a time getting his own apocalyptic campaign off the ground.

It's called The Road to Jerusalem, and its mission is to convert Jews to Christianity — while there is still time.

"Our whole purpose is to hasten the end times," he said. "The Bible says Jews will be brought to jealousy when they see Christians and Jewish believers together as one — they'll want to be a part of that. That's going to signal Jesus' return."

Jews and others who don't accept Jesus, he added matter-of-factly, "are toast."

McCartney, who only a decade ago sermonized to stadium-size crowds of Promise Keepers, said finding people to back his sputtering cause has been "like plowing cement."

Given end-times scenarios saying that non-believers will die before Jesus returns — and that the antichrist will rule from Jerusalem's rebuilt Holy Temple — Jews have mixed feelings about the outpouring of support Israel has been getting from evangelical organizations.

Maybe if The Passion of the Christ had featured anal sex, they'd be more willing to convert. In the sequel, perhaps? We're counting on you, Mel. Praise Him!