Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The few, the proud, the nancies

Hello, Christians! My computer has been afflicted with an alarming number of plagues lately, all of which have led me to believe that the Hard Drive Rapture as foretold in Prophesy was nearly at hand. What else was I to make of a such an Unholy confluence of events (pages that won't load, java buttons that won't execute, interminably long waits while it boots up, and the dreaded McAfee renewal and its daily "updates" they never seem to take) happening so close to 06/06/06? Now that I'm back at the Beauty Palace and catching up with my Prayer Warriors, I see that it wasn't quite the epidemic I had assumed it was, which leaves only one other explanation: I have been the Victim of a cyber-terrorist's virtual jihad. Well, moonbats, you can try to keep me from blogging all you'd like, but United We Stand, and These Colors Don't Run, and God Bless America!!! Let's Roll!!!

Yesterday I promised a report of the abominations I got to witness first-hand during West Hollywood's annual "gay" "pride" "parade." Back in my days of selfish hedonism, I found the parade itself stupefyingly dull, and was perfectly content to skip it, since I was usually hung over from whoring around the night before anyways. However, after a nearly decade-long absence from the parade route, I felt a sense of duty to my Christian brethren to attend, so as to Witenss the immorality on your behalf, as well as to be the lone voice of Righteousness in this moral wilderness. I can say without the faintest trace of hyperbole that this abhorrent pageant was, as you can imagine, a slap in the face of every Christian man, woman, and child on the face of God's earth, and it is only through God's Infinite Mercy that we as a nation haven't been pummeled into extinction by a swarm of deadly asteroids. As we've come to expect from The Left, perversion was exalted, Christianity was debased, sexuality was unbridled (despite the terrible consequences to Freedom), and places that were normally free to go into were charging a cover. Outrageous!

All this nasty business meant only one thing: duking it out with The Left at the cover-free Gold Coast. Jesus & I invited some church ladies to aid us in our protests, and we fortified ourselves with ceremonial frankincense before heading down to fight the Good Fight. Perhaps it was because the powers of my theological dialectics were at their peak, so dissecting the bar patrons' talking points (cribbed from the pages of the LA Times & Muscle and Fitness magazine) kept me too busy kicking ass & taking names, or maybe it was all the ceremonial frankincense, but as I compose this, I see that most of the parade managed to pass me and my digital camera by. But fret not, gentle Christians, for this is totally representative of what I saw:

That's right, S&M, the abc's of contemporary nancyhood, and the building blocks of any recent homosexual recruit's new life. Ladies, if you want to play dress up, save up and buy a gown, rather than running down to the livestock store every time you've got $5 in your wallet. How tacky!

Also on display (aside from an uncomfortably high volume of male nipplage) was The Left's hypocrisy. When James Dobson encourages parents to beat their children, it's child abuse and a source of moral outrage; however, when it's done by Hollywood celebrities with humongous wardrobe budgets, it's great art. Despite its strong pro-Family message, Mommie Dearest (repackaged for dvd as the "Hollywood Royalty" edition) has inexplicably become a favorite of "gay" "life," an act of cultural thievery so larcenous I was constantly checking to make sure that I, too, hadn't been a Victim of these pick-pockets. I say we reclaim Mommie Dearest from The Left, much like we recently did for rock music.

One thing I forgot about the nancies (especially the "males") is what attention-seeking whores they truly are. The AIDS Ride guys were not content with mild applause, but gestured for standing ovations -- evidently the closing ceremony at the end of the ride wasn't enough for them. Gay Men's Chorus also demanded proper tribute, and seemed a little miffed that their lip-synching wasn't greeted with an abundance of fragrant floral bouquets and calls for "encore!" There were also a host of awards named in honor people I have never heard of that were given to people who struck me as equally obscure -- e.g. Garret Stanley III, the recipient of the Melody Thistlethwaite Award, etc. It seems the only requirement for getting such an award is having a friend who can drive you along the parade route in a convertible. Did these have a point, other than to bore us Christians there to protest the Issues of the day?

Tragically, the other Messengers of Christendom at this Moral holocaust were kept off the parade route, but here's a sampling of their Glorious work:

In true defiance of the Homosexual agenda of taut abdomens and rippling musculature, my fellow Prayer Warriors gained 50 pounds just for this day. Way to go, guys!

After the parade, we were ready to have our sensibilities shocked even further. Here's an example of the moral cancer being served up as "tolerance" at the festival:

That's right, hula-hoops. Some may see the arc of a wrecking ball taking out Our Country's spiritual foundation in every lascivious gyration of a post-menopausal lesbian's hips, but I see the unequivocal declaration of solidarity with Hawaii's America-hating movement. No matter how you slice it, though, it's Bad News for Our Country, and acts of civil disobedience of these sorts warrant monitoring of their phone calls, at the very least.

And get a load of this:

My Prayer Warriors have had mixed success with boycotting Ford, Walgreen's, Kraft, et al, but just take a look at how Corporate America is clasping their ankles for these radical homosexual activists. I had no idea how widespread this problem is. Please protest accordingly, as I can only do so much.

The split between the single and the coupled members of our platoon became evident fairly quickly. Jesus & I were ready to throw in the towel after a couple of hours of wading through this cesspool, but our single friends still had a good 8 hours of protesting left in them. We came home and began strategizing how to best implement our "Pray for Jesus & Nancy Beth's Computer" campaign. Your blessings & devotions are greatly appreciated, and will go towards making next year's protests a reality. Praise Him!


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