PSoTD shows his roots...

... as a Nancy-Con with this exciting online poll: What shampoo do you like to use? Participation is key* to the functioning of Our American Democracy, so what are you waiting for?

*Unless you live in Florida, that is.

Go figure...

So an emissary of MSM finally gets to witness the death throes of the Iraqi insurgency first hand. Does this mean they'll now start reporting the Good News that has been coming out of Iraq? Hardly -- looks like it's more unhinged Bush-hating over that favorite liberal red herring, body armor. Have these people no shame?

Putting the blame on meme

Greetings, Christians! Sorry for the blogging blackout here, but a doctor's appointment kept me out of the writing frame of mind. Evidently I have "scuffing" of cartilage in my right knee, which explains why it clicks like a pair of castanets all the time. I imagine it's something of an occupational hazard among us sisters, what with all the kneeling we do, so I'm not especially concerned. I didn't get too much explanation about the mechanics of the injury (honestly, the place felt like a mill for processing personal injury claims), so if the upcoming MRI shows that I need additional care, I'm transferring to someone who will take the time to explain my diagnosis. In the meantime, Loyal Nancy-con Robot Buddha tagged me with the latest of these meme dealios, which seems like a good enough way to re-enter the world of blogging. Since there are no questions about cosmetics or the Book of Revelation, I'll let my inner selfish hedonist field this one.

Seven things I say

"My diet pill is wearing off." Said in moments of crankiness, borrowed from Female Trouble.
"Run along, child. Auntie needs fuel." Borrowed from Auntie Mame.
"That is a point for endless speculation" Great words of Sri Lankan mysticism from Sister Chandrika.
"Write about it, pray over it, talk it over with a friend." But for the time being, just shut the fuck up already.
"Ann Coulter/Michelle Malkin/Maggie Gallagher/whoever seems to be having some difficulty adjusting to her new life as a woman." My apologies to the trannies, but sometimes you gotta take one for the team.
"I would rather wipe my ass with stinging nettles." To politely point out I do not favor the proposed course of action.
"Praise Him!"

Seven books I like

The Survivor - Terrence Des Pres
Beautiful Losers - Leonard Cohen
The Case Worker - George Konrad. I was surprised to see Robot Buddha listed a Konrad book as well. No one knows psychic oppression like those Central Europeans!
The Country Between Us - Carolyn Forche
Nico: The Life & Lies of an Icon - Richard Witts
Moosewood Cookbook - This fell into my hands shortly after I left home to go to college. I consider it my crash course in hippie lesbianism.
Helter Skelter - Vincent Bugliosi. Essential reading to fully understand Los Angeles.

Seven movies I enjoy

Mommie Dearest
Auntie Mame
Girls Will Be Girls
The Cockettes
Wild Strawberries
Fitzcarraldo
White Chicks

Seven things I enjoy about cities

Aloofness. You don't have to speak to anyone in LA.
Leather bars.
Enlightened Consumerism - let your inner earth mother wear out those charge plates with her expeditions to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, etc.
Independent record stores.
Ethnic food galore.
Abundance of services of all stripes (custom framers, orthopedic surgeons, wine merchants).
The homeless -- they're hilarious!

Seven things I cannot do

Schmooze.
Get to work less than 5 minutes late.
Listen to Bjork. Honestly, that woman sends my colon into spasms.
Separate egg yolks from the whites.
Keep an orchid alive. Many have paid the price for my folly.
Go dancing -- I'm too self-conscious to feel anything other than foolish.
Abandon the Democratic Party -- though I'm always tempted.

Seven things I must do before I die

Go to Madagascar.
Own my own home and landscape it to my liking.
Learn to play guitar like John Fahey.
Adopt & raise a kid or two (with Jesus, natch).
Bench-press 300 at the gym (that's a long ways off).
Start a small record label, issue a limited vinyl-only release of something obscure, and call it a day.
Go back to school of some sort and finish it.

I hereby tag the following, though I'm not going to point it out to them. They can always play dumb and pretend they never saw this:

Waremouse
Lulu Maude
Rain Storm
Blue Gal
Chasing the Wanderlust (whose blog I like & would add to the list of "Whores of Heresy," but I'm not especially looking to alienate more people at this particular juncture.)

All right, folks. You know the drill.

The amen chorus

I agree with L. Brent Bozell: Black people should stick to Gospel.

[Saturday a.m. tinkering, for those of you who care about such matters.]

Friday random ten

OK, I'll admit it: transferring my cd collection to our iPod has given my life a renewed sense of purpose.

Blue Skies Over The Ocean - The Cannanes
Smoking Her Wings - Barbara Manning
Cripple Creek - Mike Seeger
Raspberry Beret - Prince And The Revolution
Tom Courtenay (acoustic) - Yo La Tengo
Summer's Lost Heart - Dirty Three
The Ballad Of John & Yoko - The Beatles
Either - 18th Dye
Foggy Mountain Top - Earl Scruggs / Doc Watson / Ricky Skaggs
Electricity - Joni Mitchell

Behind the Orange veil

Those of you who question how deeply the Satanic forces of Islamofascism have burrowed into America's Spiritual Heartland need look no further than the harrowing case of Azim Shariat, a former Muslim who left that deathcult for the loving embrace of Christianity. Mr. Shariat has learned the central tenets of Our Faith well, namely Blessed are the plaintiffs in spurious lawsuits, for they shall litigate their way into the Kingdom of God :

Azim Shariat, an Iranian who came to the U.S. 30 years ago and became a citizen, converted from Islam to Christianity in 1981 and is now a pastor. Several years ago, he attended a Persian New Year's festival at a public park in Orange County, California, where tens of thousands of other celebrants were gathered.

While there, Shariat took out a portable radio/audiocassette player he had brought along and began playing Christian songs. Someone in the predominately Muslim crowd complained to police, who arrested the Christian festival attendee for allegedly violating a noise ordinance.

Shariat was shocked when the police accosted him, especially since many other people in the park were playing other types of music. But after what the minister describes as his humiliating, public arrest and physical mistreatment while in custody, the County decided not to prosecute and the charges against him were eventually dropped.

Pastor Shariat filed suit against Orange County, challenging the way the ordinance he had been charged with violating was applied. However, the initial trial court ruling did not go in the minister's favor. Although several law enforcement officers testified with widely differing views of what the law required and to whom it should be applied, the trial court nevertheless ruled in the County’s favor that the law was not vague.

The Mullahs of the so-called Religion of Peace have even taken over Orange County Superior Court... or perhaps I should be calling it "Orange County Sharia Court." Fortunately, he's going to appeal, as Lady Justice has had her scales taken from her and been wrapped in a burqa at the trial court level.

According to a story I found from the time of the initial arrest, Mr. Shariat had hooked up two large speakers powered by a generator to his tape player and began belting out His Heavenly Tunes without a permit, which is evidently a violation of the Orange County Code of Ordinances. I believe I found the section in question, though I can't vouch for how accurate a translation from its original Arabic it is. The provision strikes me as patently anti-Christian on its face, particularly the last part which tries to regulate how we celebrate the Feast of Maximum Amplification:

Sec. 2-5-26. Amplified sound system, music and live music--permit required.

No person shall set up, use, operate or maintain an amplified sound system, music and live music within any park, beach or recreational area except in those areas specifically designated, nor shall any person set up, use, operate or maintain an amplified sound system, music and live music without first obtaining a written permit. The Director, or his designated agents are expressly given the authority to determine the maximum amplification permissible in areas designated consistent with other persons' enjoyment of the recreational area facilities.

What's especially galling are the claims of selective enforcement, since only Mr. Shariat was harassed by the OC fedayeen, despite the fact that many attendees were playing music:

"Any pastor, or any individual for that matter, should be free to be able to express themselves in public forums like public parks," Dacus contends. They should "not be persecuted," he adds, "simply because their message is one of Christianity and not one of Islam."

Or because they don't have the necessary permits. This sham of justice reminds me of the time I got a ticket in West Covina for speeding and tailgaiting, which I probably was, but I was the only one who got nabbed. Did my Christian bumper stickers and rosaries hanging from my rearview mirror make me a more desirable target to the CHP than my fellow tailgaters? I believe we all know the answer to that one. I only wish I had been tipped off to the Crusaders for Justice at Pacific Justice Institute. On behalf of persecuted Christians everywhere in America, I wish Mr. Shariat Godspeed, and remind him that if the Court of Appeals nixes his suit, he can still appeal to the Supreme Court, and probably get a RenewAmerica column out of his ordeal to boot. Praise Him!

[Update, sort of: Saturday a.m. tinkering]

Hamasters of Our Christian Destiny?

I join my rightwing bloggers in decrying the election of Hamas as the new ruling party of the Palestinians. How can Jesus ever hope to return to Israel for the Second Coming if these damn Palestinians have turned it into some friggin' rug bazaar? I'm not saying brown-skinned people can't be self-governing, but maybe they shouldn't be.

Catching up with the Prayer Warriors

Work seems to have settled down, so finally there's some time to listen to the voices of reason:

† LaShawn Barber, for one, welcomes her white Christian overlords.

† Tammy Bruce thinks Google should cave in to the demands of Red China and the Bush administration.

† Michelle Malkin lists 25 ways to support the troops, but omits the most important one: putting a Rick Santorum bumper sticker on your car. (h/t: PSP)

† Cathy Seipp has run out of LA area journalists to piss off and is now going after the NY Times & her colleagues at National Review.

† Andrew Sullivan thinks the joys of lipodystrophy and facial wasting shouldn't be the exclusive province of HIV+ gay men.

Profiles in courage

My apologies for not posting yesterday. It was pretty hectic at the Beauty Palace, and today promises more of the same. In the meantime, the patriots at Pale Horse Pale Rider have spotlighted one of the blogosphere's great Christians: me.

But what I really want to do is project

Living in the devil's day spa of West Hollywood, I truly am in the belly of that Beast known as "Hollywood." I make it a point to avoid the idle Industry-speak about the upcoming whatever, because in all likelihood it's a colossal waste of makeup that would have been put to better use in some Third World country furthering the cause of Glamour. That it would be offensive to my Christian beliefs goes without saying, naturally. However, a number of things have shown up on my radar screen that make me think that we Christians may have slain this putrid Whore of Babylon once and for all:

† RenewAmerica announces the release of an exciting 35 minute featurette premised on the horrors of partial-birth abortion. While RenewAmerica and the filmmakers are necessarily mum about the plot twists in the film, I'm hoping for something uplifting, like a partially-birthed & aborted fetus who comes back from the dead to gnaw off the faces of Ted Kennedy & Nancy Pelosi.

† AgapePress reports that something called The Gospel is seeing the light of day (again?) via release on dvd:

The story is centered around David "D.T." Taylor, a young man who once aspired to be a minister but decided to disconnect himself from the church and his family after the death of his mother and the absence of his busy father. Now, Taylor is a hot R&B recording artist at the top of his career and is forced to face the struggles of his past decisions after returning home to check on his sick father. The "quick" trip home turns out to be an unexpected journey in which Taylor seeks peace with his family, himself and God.

I guess it's like The Jazz Singer, only the Neil Diamond character is black this time.

† NBC has pulled the plug on two serial offenders of Taste & Decency, The West Wing and Will & Grace. It's gratifying to know that my countless letters and threats of boycotts to their respective advertisers, stars, network brass, and local affiliates will at long last keep this trash off the air, except for where it's gone into syndication. Better news yet is the axing of that abomination known as the Book of Daniel. When we Christians work together, there's no low-rated show we can't get cancelled or released on dvd. Praise Him!

Speaking of 36%...

If it's good enough to put Canada on the Path of Righteousness, there's no reason why it shouldn't work for us. Praise Him!

O Canada!

Great news, Christians: Our former adversaries in the Great White North have finally earned the right to be called that once again after kicking out the dope-crazed liberal homosexuals. Conservatives, enjoying an overwhelming mandate of 36%, can now welcome the Messiah by implementing their heavenly vision of reduced taxes, repealing gay marriage, and increasing militarism. Maybe they'll even invade an oil-rich Middle Eastern country of their own! I suspect Rapture Index will be graded downwards as a result, which is always a mixed blessing, but it does give some of you wayward Christians a little more time to get your house in order. Praise Him!

Just a thought...

If Al Qaeda is nothing more than the stenographer of The Left, wouldn't it make sense to wiretap MoveOn.org's phones, strictly in the interests of National Security?

The American Empire strikes back!

I had never encountered a more traitorous band of liberal academics than the "Gang of Four" that ruled Martinelli's Beauty College with a fastidiously manicured iron fist; I've learned since then that that's par for course at America's institutions of higher learning. So it was with sheer delight to read that my fellow conservatives are at last avenging me. I pored over the list of UCLA's Dirty Thirty, compiled by the presumably Christian Andrew Jones, to see how his experiences with totalitarianism in the classroom compared with my own. I was particularly struck by the sordid tale of English professor Robert Watson, a veritable trojan horse of campus radicalism:

Professor Robert Watson has been, for the majority of his academic career, a fairly indistinguishable part of the English department faculty. In fact, a bare-bones review of his academic record shows nothing questionable. In fact, Watson’s role as a long-term Shakespeare scholar makes him as an unfashionable retrograde in a field that increasingly disregards the Bard’s centrality.

But to paraphrase the movie title, there’s something about Bush. Specifically, President George W. Bush. In a brief two-year eruption from 2001-2002, Watson became one of UCLA’s most ardent Daily Bruin correspondents (counting both students and faculty) with hyperbolic attacks seemingly drawn straight from MoveOn.org’s anti-Bush talking points.

It's not just the temerity of doing something as legally questionable as writing a letter to the editor that I find so offensive, but writing a letter that's critical of our intrepid hero, Andrew Jones:

By the time he was unanimously vindicated by the U.S. Supreme Court, he was making his living as a college professor, which I suppose confirms Andrew Jones' claim that "those who couldn't get a real job" and "found the cold winds of reality in the wider world a little harsh ... retreated to the cozy cocoon of teaching" ("Campus suppresses 'right' education," Daily Bruin, Viewpoint, Oct. 31). ...

So there's something quaint about the spectacle of people writing from around the country to congratulate Jones – as he was already heartily congratulating himself – for being so extremely brave as to stand up on the side of the government, the army, the police, the church and all the big-money interests of the society. It must be a lonely if heroic place to stand, with only those forces and the entire political mainstream behind you. I mean, what if some professor asks you a question? Yikes!

Kudos to you, Andrew, for refusing to countenance such treasonous effrontery. I hope your shocking expose puts Doctor Watson and his comrades on notice. Praise Him!

Friday random ten

Alas, no porn or vaguely encrypted terrorist threats against America this week, though mine & Jesus' growing love affair with Dolly Parton makes itself known.

010 +-4.40 - Fennesz
Alone, Not Alone - Christina Carter
The Fortune Teller (Kogosh) - Hamza El Din
Subtle Body - Fila Braziliia
Charlemagne - John Cale
Walkie Talkie - Blumfeld
Heartbreaker - Dolly Parton
Moonshake - Can
Chapter 4: Unquiet Wandering... - Etant Donnes with Michael Gira
Cajun Woman - Fairport Convention

This scorpion kills Darwinists

While the evolutionists were busy strong-arming The Lord out of Our Nation's classrooms, He was busy creating 27 new species of insects:

Twenty-seven previously unknown species of spiders, centipedes, scorpion-like creatures and other animals have been discovered in the dark, damp caves beneath two national parks in the Sierra Nevada, biologists say.

Another miracle -- Praise Him!

Lions v. Christian

You'd think those trial lawyers would have their hands full with this bogus ACLU wiretapping lawsuit, but unfortunately they've found time to persecute one of the greatest Christians of our day, Mel Gibson. Mel's refusal to kowtow to the feminizing elements of Hollywood and the Second Vatican Council make him an obvious target of The Liberal Establishment, but these clowns are obviously unfamiliar with the mighty Mel's penchant for ass-kicking -- and the Divine Grace that comes from having his own line of costume jewelry. So give 'em hell, Mel. Tonight's vespers are devoted to praying that you vanquish these obvious Jews & homosexuals. Praise Him!

Countdown to Glamourgeddon

A frequent online stop of mine is the Rapture Index, which monitors all the leading indicators of the Apocalypse -- or so I thought. Perhaps I was misreading "Climate" as "Clinique" this whole time, but I noticed that they have neglected to include a category for cosmetology. Until our friends at Rapture Ready can remedy this situation, I hereby volunteer this blog as a sort of annex for Rapture-related stories from the glamourcentric standpoint. With that in mind, please note the following when determining the Rapture's imminence:

† Cosmetics smuggling in Africa. Given the recent uptick in terrorist-related activities with cellphones and athletic footwear, this can hardly be seen as some innocuous development:

In the latest act of smuggling, six drums tucked with cosmetics, were on January 15, impounded at Kibuli, a Kampala suburb.

The consignment, which included an assortment of perfumes, powders and roll-ons from the United Arab Emirates hub of Dubai, and baby jellies from Kenya, were tightly sealed in blue 100-litre metallic drums. The drums were branded: For road construction only.

Hopefully somebody not married to Valerie Plame will investigate this. Increase Rapture Index by one point.

† Morally corrupt spokesmodel. L'Oreal has announced that noted enthusiast for Blastocyst-American genocide Scarlet Johansson will star in the commercials for their HIP line. HIP is evidently an acronym for "High Intensity Pigments," but it could just as easily stand for Hell's Impudent Prostitutes. Add another point to the tally.

† Depletion of energy sources: "No Blood for Oil" is a favorite wingnut slogan, but would these hypocrites be chanting "No Blood for Makeup" if they knew the following? [my emphasis added]

If we were to list the most important issues facing humanity, oil and natural gas depletion has to be in the top three. The economic and cultural destiny of mankind is inexorably tied to the availability of fossil fuels. It is impossible to address the problems of famine without oil and natural gas for fertilizer, cultivation, and processing. Oil provides the feedstock for thousands of products, including cosmetics, medicines, plastics, heating and cooking fuels, and mobile fuels for transportation.

Of course not -- they'd be clamoring for the US to occupy the entire Middle East. So, increase the Rapture Index by another point. I'm telling you, Christians, Judgment Day nears -- are you wearing your Rapture thongs?

Prayer circle jamboree

It's been a while since I've highlighted the important work my Prayer Warriors are doing to Save America's Soul, so let's take a look at how they are guiding us to Righteousness in the midst of Our Nation's great moral crisis:

† Concerned Women For America alerts us to the real reason public schools want your child to have a laptop: to turn him into a pornography-consuming Socialist jihadi. Is Newt Gingrich merely a dupe of the NEA's pro-indecency Marxist Islamofascist cabal, or its ringleader?

† Human Events Online columnist Carolyn Garris snatches the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. from the racial grievance industry and hands it to whom it most rightfully belongs -- Conservatives! Were he alive today, Doctor King would no doubt fall in line with his conservative peers and advocate the necessity of warrantless wiretaps for suspected terrorists and sheltering Americans from the scourge of homosexuality.

† Newsmax spotlights the latest victim of those feminist she-devils: the network anchorman. It's almost enough to make you shed a tear for Dan Rather.

† Powerline explains how not killing al-Zawahiri was, in fact, yet another brilliant tactical move. I bet President Bush himself planned it to turn out exactly this way -- mission still accomplished!

† Phyllis Schlafly informs us of the feminazis' latest evil plot to subject our menfolk to further subjugation: by eliminating college sports programs. I hadn't made the connection until I read this illuminating piece, but my beauty school had no athletic department, and there were no unquestionably straight men enrolled... I have to say Phyllis is clearly onto something here.

That's all the insight I can handle in one sitting, so I'm going to wrap it up for now. Praise Him!

It feels so good to make a difference

Thank God for Sitemeter! How else would I know that I'm reaching my target audience? [And to the Christian in Langley, British Columbia, whose theological inquiry is responsible for the above screen capture, I believe you are looking for this.]

Friday random ten

I'm still chugging away transferring my cd collection to the iPod, while Jesus seems to have shot His figurative wad, music-wise, and has started downloading from iTunes. His next acquisition is the Beatles' White Album, but I was grateful iTunes didn't have it -- not because I don't want to hear it, but because we're still in the dark ages of dial-up, and I wasn't especially looking forward to the computer being tied up for 8 hours.

Helpless Child - Swans
Day Dreaming - Aretha Franklin
Twin Sisters - Pelt
Not Given Lightly - Chris Knox
Meet Me In My Dream - Marc Almond
Why Didn't You Call Me - Macy Gray
S.O.S - ABBA
Conrad Adift Toward Mars - Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
Angela - The Verlaines
Red Earth - Movietone

A friendly end-times reminder

Sister Nancy Beth extends a heartfelt thanks to loyal Nancy-Con Robot Buddha of The Johnny Sutra for this inspirational Christian message. While the sign generator uses a Baptist church as one of its default images, the Gospel-centric approach to Glamour transcends all denominations in Our Christian Faith. Praise Him!

Lies & the lying liberals who tell them

Back in beauty school, my Intro to Frosting & Streaking class somehow veered off into a literary discussion about our favorite romance novels* while we let the bleach sit for the prescribed 40 minutes. During this time, the instructor, D'Azzle, explained her own theory about the three stages of literary consciousness that mirrored -- however loosely -- societal development. It's been many years, and my frosting cap covered my ears, making hearing difficult, but I recall that D'Azzle broke it down as follows: I am where I am was the earliest stage of writing whose themes were largely an affirmation of a culture's existence (such as the Old Testament, nationalistic legends, etc.); I am what I do coincided with writing as a craft of artisans and saw more sophisticated use of devices like similes, metaphors, etc.; I am what I tell, our present stage, relieved the written word of the obligation to reflect the reality of its author.

"But what's the point of reading if it's a pack of lies?" I protested. D'Azzle went on to mumble something about the necessity of treating what you were reading as its own separate world, rather than an extension of your own. Before I could press her further about the deceitfulness of modern "literature,' class was over, and we had to wash the bleach out of our hair.

This has troubled me mightily ever since then, and as I reflect on it, I can see how enthusiastically The Left has embraced this fast-and-loose approach to the facts -- much to the detriment of Our National Character, naturally. Just imagine what a blow it would be to you Christians reading this if you were to find out, God forbid, that this blog wasn't written by a morally upright Christian woman who sees the Beauty of God's Creation in every dab of makeup, but by, say, some bored homosexual middle-manager at his day job. You would be devastated, and rightfully so, as Christianity teaches us to place Our Faith in The Word. But liberals are different. These are just the sorts of games with Truth the moonbats play, and when liberals play by those rules, they shouldn't complain when they ultimately lose. Build a house on a foundation of sand, etc...

The recent revelation that some book that I never had any intention of reading in the first place was crammed with liberal deceptions comes as no surprise. Evidently its central premise is that Redemption comes through appearing on Oprah's show, rather than through accepting Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior and living a life in strict accordance with The Bible. Ha! You gullible liberals and your fake-but-accurate "non-fiction" have really brought this on yourselves. You have egg upon your face, and the whole world sees it. Now if you'll pardon me, it's my lunchbreak and I'm going to read a few more chapters of Unhinged -- it's opened my eyes to The Left's rabid opposition to the Truth like nothing else. Praise Him!

* For the record, mine is The Honey is Bitter by Violet Winspear.

Open borders, open season on Christians

As a member of God's One True Church, I've grown accustomed to having to deflect criticism from The Left. Headed by an ex-Nazi? No one else wanted the job! Filled with child molesters? More like filled with bedroom-eyed altar boys determined to seduce any hapless priest who crossed their wanton little paths. So it stings when I read something like this over at Agape Press:

An immigration reform activist says it is easy to understand why the Roman Catholic Church is leading an effort to head off a provision passed by Congress that would make it a federal crime to offer services or assistance to illegal aliens. Susan Tully, national field director for the Federation for American Immigration Reform, says the Catholic Church has a vested interest in supporting illegal immigration from Latin America. "As a Catholic myself," she says, "I can tell you that the population of the Catholic Church, and this is common knowledge, has been dwindling over the years. And with the influx of these illegal aliens, 99.9 percent of them being Roman Catholics from Latin America, the populations have made those churches grow." Because of this, the activist contends, Catholics in the United States have a sort of unwritten agreement with their Mexican counterparts "that 'my casa is your casa' -- that they were going to not recognize immigration laws or borders."

Liberal defenders of our lax immigration policy will no doubt say that the illegals are only worshipping at a Church no one else will worship at, but when you look at the Al Qaeda/Mexico connection, this demands drastic action: a Papal conclave, maybe, or perhaps a rousing speech on the topic by President Bush. I for one would hate to have my limbs blown off by some terrorist while receiving the Sacraments just because the Catholic Church is determined to be a haven for illegal aliens.

As tears go by; or, the return of the virtual tissue

It dawned on me that I hadn't given one of these out in a while, so after reading this heart-rending tale of Hollywood's persecution of Pat Boone, I figured no one was worthier of Sister Nancy Beth's consolation than Pat. Be sure you're wearing your waterproof mascara, ladies, because when you read of the horrors Pat has had to endure, you're likely to erupt into a river of tears. Take, for instance, Pat's encounters with his neighbors:

But then Ozzie and Sharon and their kids moved in next door. And you've seen on their television show the continual stream of profanity in all of their language. Mom, Dad, kids--even the dogs are profane--and yet when I went over to see them and visit them several times in their home, there was none of that language. And I didn't say anything nor did I suspect anything. But I can only surmise that either Ozzie or Sharon--most likely Sharon--said "Now, Ozzie, Pat Boone's coming over, let's watch our language." I'm just guessing, but all I know is it was just neighborly talk.

But now that he's clean and sober and drug-free, every time I see him lately, he's been a different, more socially-correct person.

My point is that I noticed that everywhere I went, there was a certain dampening on people's behavior. The underlying point is that Hollywood does not like that. They don't want any restrictions. They don't want anybody telling them what they can or can't do. If they get an idea for a TV show, or an episode or an excuse for nakedness or nudity like on "NYPD," it became known that any male star or any actor on NYPD was going to have his rear end exposed in some episode.... All the males and the women had to be eventually involved in ... a sex scene.

I'd be gravely offended, too, if Ozzie Osbourne used clean language in my Beverly Hills house. Oh, curse you, Liberal Hollywood, for making the Osbournes watch the potty talk! There's no doubt in my mind that Ozzy and his brood would rather have partaken in this big NYPD Blue orgy sequence instead, were it not for Hollywood's perfidies!

Keeping the language inoffensive in front of Pat is only one of Hollywood's sins. Pat has also been robbed of numerous movie roles on account of his faith:

WV: But aside from that, you did get word--or you seemed to believe--that ... they also did not offer you roles that you wanted and could have played.

BOONE: Yes, [there has been] that too. Even a movie like Robert Wise's "Sand Pebbles," a role that Steve McQueen played, and of course, he did it beautifully. But I was up for that role, and Robert Wise, when I was proposed by a casting director--I was perfect for that role--[Wise] said, "No I don't want a singer. I want an actor. Well, I'd been in the top ten [at the] box office, and I think I had proven that I could act.

But there was a certain disdainful view of me as a singer, a guy with a wife and four kids, and pretty straight-laced if not totally square. [There is an attitude of] "OK, let him do his thing, but we want somebody who can not only portray and do a dramatic role, but hopefully is living a pretty dramatic personal life, as well, and bring that image to the role."

According to IMDB, Steve McQueen was nominated for an Oscar in the best leading actor category for Sand Pebbles. I think we can all safely assume that Pat would have cinched that honor quite handily had be been cast. Christians, let us shed a tear for what might have been.

You would think that these instances by themselves would be enough mistreatment at the hands of Hollywood's liberals for a lifetime, but you'd be wrong. Pat also got the shaft from MSM:

The media is incredibly skewed to the left, and it has cost me in a number of situations. The Dallas Times-Herald ran a false story about me that was so defamatory. It was because somebody had made a legal claim against me in an investment I was in and ... actually said in the paper that I had made false statements in court. This was an allegation.

[Actually] he [the reporter] was referring to statements he thought were false in a deposition, not in court, and it turned out that he was completely wrong. It was totally defamatory, and I contacted the publisher [of the paper] and said, "I'm going to have lawyers approaching you because this is not only wrong and libelous, but it's very damaging to me. So you'll be hearing from my attorneys." And he said, "Let me check into it."

He got back to me right away, and said, "We're printing a retraction. You're right. The reporter was really out of line. You don't have to get lawyers. We'll print a retraction. ...

And that publisher became editor of the L.A. Times.

Of course he did, what with Pat Boone's head mounted on his office wall. It's become an unspoken rule for journalistic advancement: Slag Big Pat and see your fortunes rise. I wouldn't be surprised to see Katie Couric's fingerprints on one of these hit jobs.

I simply can't continue, as I'm choking back tears here at my desk. But as they say on the internets, Read the whole thing. I found Pat's thoughts on political up and comers Golda Meier & Indira Gandhi to be especially insightful. So go, read -- you owe it to Pat and to yourself.

You got a problem with misery, pansy?

Sister Nancy Beth was troubled to see this story over at Yahoo News, Unhappiness Has Risen in the Past Decade:

The researchers surveyed 1,340 people about negative life events and found that the 2004 respondents had more troubles than those who were surveyed in 1991, the last time the study was done.

"The anticipation would have been that problems would have been down," says Tom Smith, the study's author. He says good economic years during the '90s would have brought an expectation of fewer problems, not more.

Overall, the percentage who reported at least one significant negative life event increased from 88% to 92%. Most of the problems were related to increased incidents of illness and the inability to afford medical care; mounting bills; unemployment; and troubled romantic relationships.

It's only a matter of time before The Left singles out President Bush as the root of Our Nation's disaffection. Well, moonbats, the sad truth of the matter is that Clinton had plenty of opportunities to take out unhappiness, but the extent of his hapless response was to fire a few cruise missiles at it. And congressional Democrats have taken just as much money from the unhappiness lobby (if not more so) than Republicans. Just remember this: Were it not for President Bush's deft handling of the unhappiness problem, it would have slaughtered us all shortly after the 9/11 attacks.

Glamour Central Station

Hello, Christians! Beauty has been making news lately -- some good, some bad -- so let's take a look down the scorecard. First off, the bad news:

† This one goes out to my Prayer Warriors at LGF. It looks like the next Christian institution to fall into dhimmitude is the intimate apparel industry:

About 500 Saudi women are to be trained by the Saudi education and training establishment to work as saleswomen in lingerie shops, as security guards and electrical and electronic maintenance workers, Al Watan Daily reported.

The article fails to mention whether any Heritage Foundation interns will be overseeing this training, which leads me to believe that the results of this endeavor will be suspect at best. The Left's incessant repetition of their mantra, "Islam is a religion of glamour," may have convinced the MSM, but I for one remain skeptical. Developing, as we say on the internets...

† But rejoice, for it looks as though Mary Kay Ministries is trying to fill the void in international faith-based cosmetology, starting with the Godless climes of Old Europe:

When Debi Moore started selling Mary Kay cosmetics nearly three decades ago, she lugged around bags full of skin-care products into the living rooms of stay-at-home moms.

Now, her daughter, Taylor, wants to sell those products in Europe. ...

Taylor, her daughter, could fulfill that international dream. In July, she quit her corporate public relations job after six weeks to chase the Mary Kay dream of balancing God, family and work.

I fervently pray that this young lady will be successful in her mission: showing that cosmetics can be the backbone of the traditional family. But then again, we know how those European nihilists treat their Christians. Good luck, miss.

† Glamour has also been found to keep the social hierarchy from unraveling (emphasis added):

As part of an experiment, researcher Peter Glick asked a woman to wear a sexy, low-cut blouse with a tight skirt, cardigan, teased hair and lots of makeup. Then he made a set of videos in which she played either a receptionist for a Chicago advertising agency or a senior manager.

The result of the Appleton, Wis., psychology professor's study?

The sexier a woman dresses and the more prominent a position she holds within a company, the more negatively she's perceived.

"If you play up your sexiness and you're in a more powerful position, you're going to get slammed for it as a woman," Glick said.

Is it any wonder America' feminists avoid makeup like the plague? Forsaking glamour is all part of their unholy scheme to destroy America's families by advancing their careers while neutering the menfolk, leaving our children abandoned and sexually confused. I'm freshening my lipstick as I type this, just to ward this terrible scenario off.

† Our final bit of news is that even our prehistoric ancestors saw the value of glamour:

The preserved remains of two prehistoric men discovered in an Irish bog have revealed a couple of surprises — one used hair gel and the other stood 6-foot-6 (2 meters), the tallest Iron Age body discovered.

“He would have been a giant ... the other man was quite short, about 5 foot, 2 inches,” or 158 centimeters, said Ned Kelly, head of antiquities at the National Museum of Ireland.

“The shorter man appeared to attempt to give himself greater stature by a rather curious headdress which was a bit like a Mohican-style with the hair gel, which was a resin imported from France,” Kelly told BBC radio. ...

The fashion-conscious gel wearer has been named Clonycavan Man, and Kelly said the fact he was able to buy imported cosmetics suggests he was a wealthy member of Irish society about 2,300 years ago. The other was dubbed Oldcroghan Man.

2,300 years ago? That fits quite nicely with the Young Earth timeline -- how on earth did that sneak past the anti-Creationist MSM? Ah, sweet vindication -- my mind is filled with images of the comely Eve curling her hair as she sits astride a dinosaur. And with that heavenly vision, Christians, I'm signing off. Praise Him!

Ask John Yoo!

I am very pleased to announce that presidential legal advisor and friend to Christians everywhere, John Yoo, has graciously accepted my invitation to answer your legal questions. However, since I neglected to seek your input, I've dashed off a few reasonable queries representative of what most of us Christians encounter on a daily basis. I hope this clears up some of those legal gray areas so that we Christians can finally enjoy the civil rights guaranteed to us in the Constitution. Read & learn.

† My new neighbors in the apartment building I recently moved into speak in heavy accents and view me and other Christians with a suspicion that borders on hostility. I suspect them of being agents of Hizbollah. Am I within my right to open their mail without their consent?

Certainly. The Constitution vests the President and his agents with the plenary authority to defend the United States from military attack. Scowls from non-citizens are rightfully listed as acts of aggression, since they can quickly escalate into serious breaches of national security. Please report any questionable findings to Michelle Malkin for further technical analysis.

† My Husband frequently leaves His dirty clothes on the living room floor and the backs of our dining room chairs. Does California's domestic partnership statute allow me to administer electric shocks to His genitals to dissuade Him from this practice?

Without question, particularly if you think he is withholding information that may expose the United States to risk of a terrorist event. Please try to do so during off-peak hours so as not to overtax the grid.

† My employer frequently quashes my attempts to take off religious holidays that haven't been given state-sanction by the ruling secularist regime. Is it legal to report a suspicious package to the proper authorities so that I can fully honor God while the Beauty Palace is closed for an investigation?

Definitely. National security requires the vigilance of all of citizens, and it is best to err of the side of caution in these matters. Your President and your fellow citizens are depending on you.

† Recently a billboard promoting an especially heretical television series has shown up in my neighborhood. Would I be within my rights to alter it with language such as, "Hell's Top-Rated Show!"?

Clearly. The long-established link between enemy combatants in the Global War on Terror as well as the Culture Wars necessitates a course of action similar to this. Please contact your local law-enforcement agency so that they can investigate the source of this propaganda. A cell may be active within your neighborhood.

[UPDATE: Welcome, Main St. USA & Rain Storm readers!]

Cuz I got nothing else

The Holy Spirit of blogging passed me by today, therefore I humbly submit a random ten from mine & Jesus' iPod:

Hello - Oasis
Ghosts Of American Astronauts - The Mekons
Twelve Thirty (Young Girls Are Coming To The Canyon) - The Mamas & The Papas
Boulder To Birmingham - Emmylou Harris
On An Unknown Beach - Peter Jefferies
Chain Of Circumstance - Camper Van Beethoven
Mantram Der Erdberührung - Popol Vuh
The Second Twilight - Deep Forest
Intro - Sonic Youth
Wings - Tall Dwarfs

Here's to a more invigorating week...

An old homopathic remedy

Sister Nancy Beth is sorry to learn of Nancy-Con God of Biscuit's recent misfortunes and would like to offer this devotional tortilla for its therapeutic properties:


Get well soon.

Nancy-Cons

[This post contains 100% recycled content, done for the sake of coherence for that link in the blogroll.]

† What are Nancy-Cons?

Nancy-Cons are former liberals who have attended one too many dinner parties where the main course was treason. Some event (it may have been 9/11, though for me, it was Pottery Barn's refusal to rename their Malabar chair after a dead fetus) led them to a dark night of the soul wherein they scrutinized their liberal assumptions and added me to their blogrolls, or otherwise threw a high volume of traffic my way.

† What do Nancy-Cons believe?

Nancy-Cons believe in a safer America by using our uncontested military superiority to advance a Gospel-centered approach to glamour worldwide.

† How can I get one of those chic Edicts of Nancy thongs I've been hearing so much about?

Go here.

Miss Sex-Piggy

Parents who've long suspected poison in the well of PBS' children's programming finally have vindication. LA Citybeat scribe Natalie Nichols blows the whistle on the Muppets/pornography connection:

“Mah Na Mah Na.” It’s a first-class earworm that has captivated millions and tormented millions more. You may remember it from a skit on Sesame Street or The Muppet Show: A hipster-looking scruffy Muppet provides the baritone murmur mah na mah na” to the shiny-bright “do do do do do” chorus of two pink chick-singer Muppets. ...

Although appropriately bubbly for soda-pushers’ purposes, “Mah Na Mah Na” is, deliciously, not all good clean fun. It originated on the soundtrack to a 1968 Italian softcore porn documentary, Svezia, inferno e paradiso (Sweden, Heaven and Hell), which descriptions say luridly exploits the sex ’n’ drugs side of Swedish life. The tune played, Wikipedia informs, “under a portrayal of lesbian BDSM.”

Since they've been riding my ass here at work for the past few hours, this seems to be as good a time as any to conclude my experiment with Instabeautician. We now return to our irregularly appearing blog entries...

Movin' on up

Many thanks to PSoTD for the addition to the blogroll. Now that they've seen the light, I've upgraded them from Whore of Heresy to Nancy-Con. Welcome aboard!

We hate it when our friends become successful

Except for when it's blogging starlet Princess Sparkle Pony, darling of the conservative blogosphere -- color me icy teal with envy!

Recipe for a successful marriage

Trust Dennis Prager, for he knows of what he speaks.

UPDATE: Oops.

Instabeautician status report

I'm thinking this kinda sucks. What say you?

"The Nancy Problem"

Not who you'd think! Robert Novak explains.

The madrassas of Manhattan

Myrna Blyth provides us with the latest chapter on the persecution conservative students must routinely suffer at the hands of The Left.

Invade us!

Little Green Footballs has the goods on the nascent people-power struggle in Iran. I've already dipped my index finger in purple ink as a sign of solidarity...

Objectively pro-rape

Prayer Warrior Michelle Malkin points out the strange bedfellows America's feminazis have found with the Islamofascists.

The latest MSM cover-up

If three Islamofascists plan to slaughter millions of Americans, but liberal media ignores it, did it really happen?

Maybe it's because Tookie is no longer available...

Hollywood lifts its leg and tinkles on America: Jon Stewart set as host of Oscars.

Instabeautician: an experiment in rapid blogging

To make up for my lack of posts yesterday, and as an homage to one of my Prayer Warriors, I'm going to try a new approach to writing today: rapid-fire entries consisting of little more than a link and minimal commentary. Praise Him!

Sister Nancy Beth's Style Council

I'm back in the saddle here at the Beauty Palace and madly trying to catch up on the events that shape our lives -- regrettably, Satan never takes a holiday, unlike your hostess here. I'm going to have to consider the last two weeks a wash, but with any luck, my Prayer Warriors were on top of any liberal treachery that has escaped my detection. As I try to get back in the swing of things, let's take a look at today's most pressing glamour-related news items:

† Whore of Heresy PSoTD points to a story on an especially heretical line of jeans and asks us to imagine the outrage. Well, my fellow Christians, imagine no more, because here it is: The fashion industry has made repeated flirtations with Satanism, but never before has it made actual denunciations of the Trinity. Just check out the company's logo: an inverted cross on the forehead of a skeleton. Emblazoning the buttocks of Old Europe with this graven image will only further encourage Satan; it's simply a matter of time before he makes a run for the fertile crescent and populates the world with a million Rosemary's Babies. I only hope the Europeans have the good sense to ward him off with a genuine Edicts of Nancy thong.

† Anyone who doubts the collusion between Hollywood and the fashion industry need look no further than this article about the couturiers' plans to cash in on the latest craze for Japanese prostitutes:

In a confluence of art and commerce, the romantic epic depicting a young girl blossoming into a legendary geisha has also become a style -- one found in Banana Republic, Bath & Body Works, and high-end department stores.

...

Based on Arthur Golden's best-selling novel, "Memoirs of a Geisha" tells the story of a young girl who was taken from her home and sold into slavery to a renowned geisha house. She transforms as she learns the arts of the geisha, including dance and music, wearing kimono, and elaborate makeup and hair.

MovieGuide's Ted Baehr advises extreme caution in dealing with this movie; I would encourage similar wariness towards the garments it has inspired.

† Here in California, the Democrat-controlled legislature has moved one step closer to criminalizing makeup:

Sen. Carole Migden, D-San Francisco, put on the books a law that requires cosmetics manufacturers to disclose product ingredients that might cause cancer.

I wish I could say Governor Schwarzenegger gave his signature to this piece of junk legislation because of the mannish influence of his new chief of staff, but "she" had yet to be appointed. My other vain hope was that this bill was approved before I was even blogging, but incredulously, it happened on my watch, on October 7th. Needless to say, this is news to me -- can you say another MSM cover-up?

† The last item of interest is another attempt by scientists to marginalize God and mascara:

A new fashion trend -- eyelash extensions, or semi-permanent eyelash extensions -- is growing in the United States.

Wearers can have long, yet natural-looking eyelashes 24 hours a day, seven days a week without using mascara.

Experts at Xtreme Lashes say that unlike the old fake eyelashes, which were applied to the eyelid, the new semi-permanent eyelash extensions are applied directly to the individual eyelashes and have a natural look and feel.

This scientific sleight-of-hand is just as offensive as homosexuals abusing fertility treatments for their calamitous forays into social engineering. I can only hope cosmetology has its own Patricia Miller to step in and make this practice illegal.

Axis of Evil: 2006 Edition

Happy New Year, Christians! There's no better day for fresh starts, and since Our President's glorious Iraqi campaign may be beyond the point of salvage (thanks a lot, New York Times), what better time to refocus the current situation in order to regain some political traction to our own advantage? Few things are as morally repugnant and politically mobilizing to true Americans as homosexuality, so I propose the Global War on Terror be rebranded as the Global War on Teabagging. In order to most effectively prosecute this war, however, we must adhere to the old adage, "Know thine enemy." While nancyhood has many agents working to advance its diabolical agenda, the following three entities are most deserving of Our Christian Wrath.

NBC: As any conservative blogger can tell you, actually seeing the movie you're condemning occupies a pretty low place on our list of priorities. So when I began receiving warnings about the upcoming NBC drama Book of Daniel from Prayer Warriors American Family Association, I knew exactly what to expect: the degradation of Christianity and the exaltation of perversion. Parents, do you want your child asking you about anal fissures at the dinner table, or simulating fellatio with his GI Joes? I thought not. As far as the American viewing public is concerned, it's September 10th, and NBC is preparing to pilot an Aerobus into the Twin Towers of America's Christian Virtue -- unless we stop them.

Mattel: Once upon a time, Barbie represented the best of America's Judeo-Christian heritage: Teutonic good looks, a value system clearly based on market capitalism, and unquestionably heterosexual companionship in the form of her steady beau, Ken. After a relentless onslaught by the huns of Political Correctness, however, this All-American icon has been brainwashed into a sexually "liberated" harlot who'd rather spend her days licking Skipper's labial folds than exercising her right as an American to consume fossil fuels in her Dreamcar. Is it any wonder this country is in danger of permanently losing its competitve edge when American industry capitulates to a small but vocal special interest group?

Pottery Barn: Pottery Barn runs the slickest and most effective homosexual recruitment scheme in the history of Western civilization. Sadly, no one knows better than myself, for I, too, was seduced into this sinful lifestyle by these dark overlords of sodomy. The most important weapons in this campaign to enslave America's soul are their monthly catalogs, which promise their hapless recruits an apartment filled with beautiful furniture and tasteful objets. Showrooms in America's malls reinforce this dangerous illusion, that a glamorous living space is within their grasp. But take it from me: The closest America's homosexuals will get to Pottery Barn's overstuffed sofas and distinctive knick-knacks are a sore ass and a fridge covered with rainbow flag magnets. It's been a long, hard road of disillusionment, but I am glad to be able to at long last tell my tale.

Never underestimate the duplicity of Satan's agents, my fellow Christians. Just as Saddam denied any connection to Al Qaeda, so to will these handmaidens to that tranny crack-Whore of Babylon disavow their sinister objectives. Stay the course, fight the good fight, and victory will be ours. Praise Him!

[UPDATE, 01/04/06: Welcome, Johnny Sutra readers!]