Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Good Housekeeping

I've created a new category on my blogroll: Nancy-Cons. I like to think of Nancy-Cons as former liberals who were shocked into a new way of thinking, either by 9/11, or perhaps by attending too many liberal elite dinner parties where the main course was treason. It also helps that all of them have blog-rolled me or seem to be paying enough attention to indicate my teachings on faith-based cosmetology are having some rehabilitative effect on them. [However, if any of you think you are incorrigibly liberal and belong in the Whores of Heresy section, let me know.]

For those of you wondering what made me renounce my former life of selfish hedonism and join the Conservative movement, I'll tell you: Pottery Barn. I so looked forward to their monthly catalogs that I started referring to it as my favorite piece of gay porn. I was thoroughly versed in every product line, so much so that when Laci Peterson disappeared, I instantly recognized that she had been photographed sitting in their Malabar chair. "Dear Pottery Barn," I repeatedly wrote to them, "Would you please consider renaming your Malabar chair Conner's Chair, in honor of Laci's unborn child, or perhaps Laci's Chair, if the thought of naming a piece of furniture after a dead fetus doesn't test well with your focus groups?" Despite my constant entreaties, I never heard back from them. The final straw was when I bought their organza scrollwork panels at full retail price, with reassurances from the sales girl that these would be long gone before they could be marked down, but they were in the clearance section of their website two days later.

Breaking with my past has been a struggle. Despite my better judgment, Jesus & I decided to protest Pottery Barn in our quest for a sofa. Somehow we ended up among their bedroom sets, and Jesus asked me, "Is that the Sumatra?"

"No," I said without a moment's hesitation, it all coming back to me, "it's the Valencia line."

I knew I had to get out of there immediately. Pottery Barn's grip, like Satan's, is strong and unrelenting, and I ask you all to pray for Sister Nancy Beth to overcome this moral failing, so I may continue to do my good works for the good souls of Christendom.


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