Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Axis of Evil: 2006 Edition

Happy New Year, Christians! There's no better day for fresh starts, and since Our President's glorious Iraqi campaign may be beyond the point of salvage (thanks a lot, New York Times), what better time to refocus the current situation in order to regain some political traction to our own advantage? Few things are as morally repugnant and politically mobilizing to true Americans as homosexuality, so I propose the Global War on Terror be rebranded as the Global War on Teabagging. In order to most effectively prosecute this war, however, we must adhere to the old adage, "Know thine enemy." While nancyhood has many agents working to advance its diabolical agenda, the following three entities are most deserving of Our Christian Wrath.

NBC: As any conservative blogger can tell you, actually seeing the movie you're condemning occupies a pretty low place on our list of priorities. So when I began receiving warnings about the upcoming NBC drama Book of Daniel from Prayer Warriors American Family Association, I knew exactly what to expect: the degradation of Christianity and the exaltation of perversion. Parents, do you want your child asking you about anal fissures at the dinner table, or simulating fellatio with his GI Joes? I thought not. As far as the American viewing public is concerned, it's September 10th, and NBC is preparing to pilot an Aerobus into the Twin Towers of America's Christian Virtue -- unless we stop them.

Mattel: Once upon a time, Barbie represented the best of America's Judeo-Christian heritage: Teutonic good looks, a value system clearly based on market capitalism, and unquestionably heterosexual companionship in the form of her steady beau, Ken. After a relentless onslaught by the huns of Political Correctness, however, this All-American icon has been brainwashed into a sexually "liberated" harlot who'd rather spend her days licking Skipper's labial folds than exercising her right as an American to consume fossil fuels in her Dreamcar. Is it any wonder this country is in danger of permanently losing its competitve edge when American industry capitulates to a small but vocal special interest group?

Pottery Barn: Pottery Barn runs the slickest and most effective homosexual recruitment scheme in the history of Western civilization. Sadly, no one knows better than myself, for I, too, was seduced into this sinful lifestyle by these dark overlords of sodomy. The most important weapons in this campaign to enslave America's soul are their monthly catalogs, which promise their hapless recruits an apartment filled with beautiful furniture and tasteful objets. Showrooms in America's malls reinforce this dangerous illusion, that a glamorous living space is within their grasp. But take it from me: The closest America's homosexuals will get to Pottery Barn's overstuffed sofas and distinctive knick-knacks are a sore ass and a fridge covered with rainbow flag magnets. It's been a long, hard road of disillusionment, but I am glad to be able to at long last tell my tale.

Never underestimate the duplicity of Satan's agents, my fellow Christians. Just as Saddam denied any connection to Al Qaeda, so to will these handmaidens to that tranny crack-Whore of Babylon disavow their sinister objectives. Stay the course, fight the good fight, and victory will be ours. Praise Him!

[UPDATE, 01/04/06: Welcome, Johnny Sutra readers!]

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