Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

One-World theme park

Hello, fellow Christians! Please accept my apologies for the lack of recent posts. Jesus and I have been using our time off for Christmas to do some important blog-related research while protesting some Southern California attractions. Who knows, but maybe our hard work will even see the light of day as an article I submit to prestigious opinion-makers Townhall or -- God willing -- National Review Online! I see it taking shape as a shocking expose of the deranged America-hating Hollywood routinely serves up to its tourists. Here's what we've uncovered so far:

Our first destination was the Hollywood Boulevard Ripley's Believe It or Not Odditorium, something I've wanted to see since I was a child. You would think that given the ample Mysteries of Faith, there would be plenty of Christian-themed items to please the skeptics and the True Believers such as myself alike. Sadly, the closest thing to the Glory of the Resurrection was their disconcertingly large section on impalement, which is evidently far more common than I thought, and apparently not as dangerous as the anti-impalement lobby and their trial lawyer cohorts would have us think. There were numerous tales of men with railroad ties and whatnot rammed through their chests (or skulls) who handily drove themselves to their local emergency rooms, had the sucker pulled out, and lived to a ripe old age. Just remember this the next time Nancy Pelosi tries to ramrod another superfluous workplace safety bill through Congress.

Far more controversial, and thus more ripe for protesting, was Universal Studios, which Jesus & I visited today. Even its name (is it any coincidence Hillary and her ilk are forever braying for Universal Health Care?) hints at the communistic agenda Hollywood is tirelessly trying to advance. It was, as you can imagine, a constant onslaught of leftist agitprop of every stripe. The false god of Multiculturalism got its proper tribute in the form of maps of the park in Japanese; if that weren't offensive enough, there's even a tour of the backlot conducted entirely in Spanish. The Jurassic Park ride, little more than anti-Creationist propaganda gussied up as a water ride, left Jesus & me so drenched that we had no recourse but to use the pyrotechnics of the Backdraft attraction to dry off. I found it unconscionable that Universal would ignore the true heroes of 9/11 (besides Presidents Bush and Cheney) and not honor the memory of those fallen New York firefighters. All it would have taken were a few tasteful crucifixes and American flags incorporated somewhere within the exhibit, even though the movie it's based on came out a decade before those dreadful events and has absolutely nothing to do with them. 9/11 changed everything, you know, and clearly not for the better, at least not at Universal Studios. Fortunately for us, Universal is running a promotion whereby purchasing a ticket at regular price automatically gets you an annual pass, so Jesus and I plan to protest this abomination several times over the course of 2006. The outrages, I'm sure, will mount. I'll keep you posted of this Pilgrim's Progress in documenting them.

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