Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Nancy Beth Takes A Holiday

I hope you all you enjoyed my subliminal blogging over the past two days. I guess we can safely conclude that when I say blogging will be "light," it means there won't be any, period. Actually, I'm not sure how much there will be even today. After this all-too-brief vacation with Jesus and my first ever massage(!), I'm surprisingly relaxed. On the subway this morning, I watched a woman put her eye makeup on, and I didn't even feel my blood pressure swell as I fought off the usual compulsion to offer her pointers or critique her technique. If you want to put on your mascara before your eyeliner, have a field day, sister.

I can sense your alarm about this "massage" business, and I will concede that your concern is warranted. I recall quite vividly those advertisements in the yellow pages of Frontiers magazine for nancified shenanigans from my days of selfish hedonism. Fortunately for me, the masseur is a long-time associate of Jesus (who got a massage after me) and he kept those wanton digits a safe distance from my inviolable ladyparts. As further testament to his moral rectitude, he said he was shocked to learn that I'm 34 instead of 27. I love this guy! I have to admit I wasn't crazy about his choice of massage oil, but had I known it was coming, I would have had something more suitably feminine, like Tussy's original fresh spice deodorant, on hand -- clearly a lesson for next time.

Since I'm having a bit of trouble summoning my usual outrage, I offer as a change of pace this lovely dermatological meditation by Concerned Woman for America Janice Shaw Crouse, in which she honors the Blessed Virgin Mary:
In the Bible, God praises those who are pure in heart –– pure, not just on the surface, but all the way through to the depths of their being. Today, purity is a selling point mostly in terms of bottled water. Certainly, the idea of personal purity is old-fashioned. Yet, in the beatitudes, Jesus tells us that the pure in heart are blessed; that only they will see God. If seeing God is the height of blessedness, then keeping a pure heart should be a high calling for every Christian.
Keeping their skin as soft and dewy as posible for the Rapture is an equally high calling for every Christian: "Blessed are the pure in skin, for only they will be given an hour-long massage by God, hopefully with Rose Milk skin care lotion. "
Probably more than any other human being, Mary, the mother of Jesus, embodied purity. While Scriptures do not deify Mary, she was unusually worthy of honor and respect. The fact that God chose her for the awesome responsibility of giving birth to Jesus means that we should study and emulate her devotion to Him and the purity of her attitudes and behaviors.
We should also strive for her purity of complexion through regular exfoliation, moisturizing, and application of sunblock with an SPF of at least 20. There's a reason she's called Immaculate, you know, and the name I chose upon taking my Vows and becoming a Bride of Christ reflects Womankind's degraded dermatological state until the Second Coming.
Her simple trust flowed from a pure heart and from knowledge of God. She stated plainly and without any apparent reservation: “I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said.” Her response provides us with a perfect example of what it means to be purely and completely devoted to God and obedient to His will.
This is strangely similar to what I said to Jesus before He gave Sister Nancy Beth's butter a good churning on Tuesday. Praise Him, and let's hope I can muster some wrath tomorrow.

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