Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Friday, December 30, 2005

Sister Nancy Beth's Musical Memories of 2005; or, A Not-So-Random Friday iPod Ten

One of the few holdouts from my former life of selfish hedonism is listening to music that hasn't received the imprimatur of my theological instructors -- yet. But I've read enough National Review articles to know how to navigate around the potential moral shortcomings of those whose music I enjoy: Annex them in the name of Conservatism. The following artists, I'm sure, are latter-day Sudetens eager to support the Cause; or if not, they should be. Praise Him!

One aspect of my life that I thought that even being in a relationship couldn't affect is my music consumption habits, but I was wrong. Somehow, in the course of moving in with Jesus, I've ended 2005 with less music than I started with. I bought fewer cds & lps in anticipation of the move, I had my first sizeable purge in order to merge Jesus' cd collection with mine, and now this iPod is making it possible to transfer the lone decent track from an otherwise crappy cd to my computer and finally be rid of it. Despite the contractions my musical universe underwent in 2005, I still found a number of songs I connected with, and offer this not so much as a "best-of" as more of a "most meaningful." Or something.

"What if we do?" - Mia Doi Todd
"My Little Lark" - Marissa Nadler

Mia Doi Todd's album Manzanita has some of the most excruciating womyns-studies lyrics ever penned; however, I'm willing to overlook all of this for the one gem on the album, "What if we do?" She's created a "Help Me" for the low self-esteem generation, in which she replaces Joni Mitchell's giddiness about falling in love with anxiety and trepidation. I listened to this song repeatedly as I drove to work each morning, wondering if I should take the leap and move in with Jesus. The antidote to all of this uncertainty Mia and I felt was Marissa Nadler's "My Little Lark," in which romantic love seems like an inevitable, though circuitous, destination. I remember always listening to this one driving home.

"King Of Spain, Part Two" - Galaxie 500

After we moved in together, Jesus decided to acquaint himself with my cd collection and would play discs at random (until He hit the mildly sucky Jarboe/Neurosis collaboration). Galaxie 500 was a serendipitous discovery for Him; He really likes the album This Is Our Music. I've been grateful to rehear it. At the time I bought it, I was too swayed by what the critics wrote: listless, and not as good as their prior albums. I lost patience with it, and came to think of there only being one good song on it, "Hearing Voices," the second track. I don't think I ever made it all the way through this album, certainly not without hitting the skip button a few times. After repeated listenings to it in its entirety, though, I've come to like all the songs on it, and "King of Spain, Part Two" has replaced "Blue Thunder" as my favorite Galaxie 500 song ever. Having dismissed this album for so long, I find it refreshing to hear it after taking in a decade's worth of the music Galaxie 500 inspired -- the whole slow-core movement, of course, but especially Low, who picked up the baton where Galaxie 500 fell asleep. I've always been something of a music snob, so seeing Jesus enjoy this makes me wonder how different His life would have been had He abandoned the dancey pop He (and everyone else) was listening to in His early twenties and become an indierock kid, or perhaps how different my own life would have been if I hadn't.

"Panis et Circenses" - Os Mutantes

I'm ashamed to admit I'm a latecomer to Tropicalia. Within minutes of hearing the Soul Jazz compilation Tropicalia: A Brasilian Revolution In Sound, I was asking myself, "Why wasn't I listening to this 10 years ago?" Maybe I was just scared off by the endorsements of Beck and David Byrne. The last time I had this same feeling of excitement at discovering an unknown world was when I bought the double LP Fairport Convention sampler, Fairport Chronicles, when I was a junior in high school. That album still affects my listening habits, and I suspect this album is likely to have a similar effect.

"Here Before" - Vashti Bunyan

I wrote about this album previously, and if I were to claim a best album of 2005, this would easily be it. While the roots of this album are in tradional Britfolk, this track, either a meditation on the foolhardiness of youth or reincarnation, contemporizes the sound with mildly trippy pscyh effects, like backwards glockenspiel and multiple vocal layering. A small miracle.

"Pyracantha" - Fursaxa

There's something strangely beautiful and affecting in this track of Tara Burke's wordless and almost genderless ululating over a strummed acoustic guitar, playing all of two chords. Maybe it's its emotional directness; when I figure it out, I'll let you know.

"She Passed Through" - Dirty Three

This song encapsulates everything Dirty Three does well -- expressive as hell musicianship, magisterial turns of melody -- and condenses it into three and a half minutes, as opposed to the usual ten. The first time I heard this was lying on the couch with Jesus; I think He might have fallen asleep. He may not remember, but I do.

"Soma II" - Maeror Tri

A lot of ambient music tends to sound spongy, a condition I attribute to its being too reliant on synthesizers. The basis of the late great Maeror Tri's sound was electric guitars -- maybe the reason their music never lapsed into sonic flabbiness is because there was simply too much voltage coursing through their strings. There were at least two Maeror Tri reissues this year, The Beauty of Sadness and Meditamentum I. Soma II comes from the latter, on the redoubtable Manifold label. Every time Soma II played, I was compelled to get up to look at the cd package to see which track was playing.

"1/2" - Andrew Chalk

One of the great losses for sound art for 2005 was the dissolution of Christoph Heeman's and Andrew Chalk's musical partnership, Mirror. Fortunately they saw us off with three exceptional albums (Figures in a Landscape, Still Valley, Viking Burial for a French Car), and Andrew Chalk has launched his own label, Faraway Press. His first release is Shadows From The Album Skies, whose honey-like drones offer the luxurious feeling of being completely suspended in sound.

"Fuku" - Kawabata Makoto

I once read an interview with Kawabata Makoto (or is it Makoto Kawabata) in The Wire in which he stated that when he was young, he once heard music falling down from the heavens. Later he learned that it was most likely Stockhausen's performance at the nearby World's Fair in Osaka, Japan. This song always bring to mind that synesthetic image. I feel as though its bouzouki and electric guitar haze are being absorbed directly through my skin.

On a related note, I've discovered a prime mail-order source to protest: Fusetron. They take Pay-Pal, their turn-around time is quick, and they tend to have the items in stock that their better known rivals sell out of quickly.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

This thing is clearly broken

According to our "friends" at politicalcompass.org:
Your political compass
Economic Left/Right: -6.88
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.67
That puts me in the same non-White and non-Christian quadrant as Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and the Dalai Lama... well, there goes the neighborhood. Try it for yourself, brethren. I wish you more success than I had. (Link via Nancy-Con NTodd)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

One-World theme park

Hello, fellow Christians! Please accept my apologies for the lack of recent posts. Jesus and I have been using our time off for Christmas to do some important blog-related research while protesting some Southern California attractions. Who knows, but maybe our hard work will even see the light of day as an article I submit to prestigious opinion-makers Townhall or -- God willing -- National Review Online! I see it taking shape as a shocking expose of the deranged America-hating Hollywood routinely serves up to its tourists. Here's what we've uncovered so far:

Our first destination was the Hollywood Boulevard Ripley's Believe It or Not Odditorium, something I've wanted to see since I was a child. You would think that given the ample Mysteries of Faith, there would be plenty of Christian-themed items to please the skeptics and the True Believers such as myself alike. Sadly, the closest thing to the Glory of the Resurrection was their disconcertingly large section on impalement, which is evidently far more common than I thought, and apparently not as dangerous as the anti-impalement lobby and their trial lawyer cohorts would have us think. There were numerous tales of men with railroad ties and whatnot rammed through their chests (or skulls) who handily drove themselves to their local emergency rooms, had the sucker pulled out, and lived to a ripe old age. Just remember this the next time Nancy Pelosi tries to ramrod another superfluous workplace safety bill through Congress.

Far more controversial, and thus more ripe for protesting, was Universal Studios, which Jesus & I visited today. Even its name (is it any coincidence Hillary and her ilk are forever braying for Universal Health Care?) hints at the communistic agenda Hollywood is tirelessly trying to advance. It was, as you can imagine, a constant onslaught of leftist agitprop of every stripe. The false god of Multiculturalism got its proper tribute in the form of maps of the park in Japanese; if that weren't offensive enough, there's even a tour of the backlot conducted entirely in Spanish. The Jurassic Park ride, little more than anti-Creationist propaganda gussied up as a water ride, left Jesus & me so drenched that we had no recourse but to use the pyrotechnics of the Backdraft attraction to dry off. I found it unconscionable that Universal would ignore the true heroes of 9/11 (besides Presidents Bush and Cheney) and not honor the memory of those fallen New York firefighters. All it would have taken were a few tasteful crucifixes and American flags incorporated somewhere within the exhibit, even though the movie it's based on came out a decade before those dreadful events and has absolutely nothing to do with them. 9/11 changed everything, you know, and clearly not for the better, at least not at Universal Studios. Fortunately for us, Universal is running a promotion whereby purchasing a ticket at regular price automatically gets you an annual pass, so Jesus and I plan to protest this abomination several times over the course of 2006. The outrages, I'm sure, will mount. I'll keep you posted of this Pilgrim's Progress in documenting them.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Friday Random Ten - Special Nancy Beth Holiday Bitch-Fit Edition

Voices On My Skin - Maeror Tri
Leaving Las Vegas - Sheryl Crow
Carnival of the Animals, VIII- Personages with Long Ears 1:17 Leonard Bernstein; New York Philharmonic
Space (1999) - Flying Saucer Attack
Coalminers Song - Gordons
Get The Liquid - The Clean
Fairweather Friend - John Cale
La Belle Dame Sans Regrets - Sting
15 Minute Double Drumming W/ Callback - Michael Harner
The Blown Door - Charalambides

Yes, "Holiday" bitch-fit -- what else other than the pernicious influence of secularism would make me behave like such a spoiled child? iPod drama began Monday night when Jesus told me that He received a message notifying Him that the c drive on my computer was nearly full, after He spent much of the day importing His cds into iTunes. What would seem to be such an innocuous statement at its face incited the quiet wrath of Nancy Beth (and for the record, the wrath is almost always quiet). The case I was building against Him in my head went something like this: I bought the friggin thing and now I can't load any of my music onto it because He's filled up my hard drive with His gawdam cds and now I have to figure out how to move the iTunes library to the d drive so I can get some enjoyment out of the piece of shit. As ashamed as I am to admit this, my little snit reached its crescendo on Tuesday morning, with me sighing plentifully as I tried to figure out Apple's instructions for moving the library to another drive -- All the Martyrs of Christendom should know such agony! Fortunately for both of us, Jesus once again showed that He is the iPod ninja, and I learned that I can rely on Him to figure out the things I can't. In hindsight, I'm ashamed to see that the gift I thought I had given us freely had so many strings attached to it, and I'm a little worried about what other widgets lying about our place will serve as flashpoints for other tantrums. Yikes.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Nancy Beth Takes A Holiday

I hope you all you enjoyed my subliminal blogging over the past two days. I guess we can safely conclude that when I say blogging will be "light," it means there won't be any, period. Actually, I'm not sure how much there will be even today. After this all-too-brief vacation with Jesus and my first ever massage(!), I'm surprisingly relaxed. On the subway this morning, I watched a woman put her eye makeup on, and I didn't even feel my blood pressure swell as I fought off the usual compulsion to offer her pointers or critique her technique. If you want to put on your mascara before your eyeliner, have a field day, sister.

I can sense your alarm about this "massage" business, and I will concede that your concern is warranted. I recall quite vividly those advertisements in the yellow pages of Frontiers magazine for nancified shenanigans from my days of selfish hedonism. Fortunately for me, the masseur is a long-time associate of Jesus (who got a massage after me) and he kept those wanton digits a safe distance from my inviolable ladyparts. As further testament to his moral rectitude, he said he was shocked to learn that I'm 34 instead of 27. I love this guy! I have to admit I wasn't crazy about his choice of massage oil, but had I known it was coming, I would have had something more suitably feminine, like Tussy's original fresh spice deodorant, on hand -- clearly a lesson for next time.

Since I'm having a bit of trouble summoning my usual outrage, I offer as a change of pace this lovely dermatological meditation by Concerned Woman for America Janice Shaw Crouse, in which she honors the Blessed Virgin Mary:
In the Bible, God praises those who are pure in heart –– pure, not just on the surface, but all the way through to the depths of their being. Today, purity is a selling point mostly in terms of bottled water. Certainly, the idea of personal purity is old-fashioned. Yet, in the beatitudes, Jesus tells us that the pure in heart are blessed; that only they will see God. If seeing God is the height of blessedness, then keeping a pure heart should be a high calling for every Christian.
Keeping their skin as soft and dewy as posible for the Rapture is an equally high calling for every Christian: "Blessed are the pure in skin, for only they will be given an hour-long massage by God, hopefully with Rose Milk skin care lotion. "
Probably more than any other human being, Mary, the mother of Jesus, embodied purity. While Scriptures do not deify Mary, she was unusually worthy of honor and respect. The fact that God chose her for the awesome responsibility of giving birth to Jesus means that we should study and emulate her devotion to Him and the purity of her attitudes and behaviors.
We should also strive for her purity of complexion through regular exfoliation, moisturizing, and application of sunblock with an SPF of at least 20. There's a reason she's called Immaculate, you know, and the name I chose upon taking my Vows and becoming a Bride of Christ reflects Womankind's degraded dermatological state until the Second Coming.
Her simple trust flowed from a pure heart and from knowledge of God. She stated plainly and without any apparent reservation: “I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said.” Her response provides us with a perfect example of what it means to be purely and completely devoted to God and obedient to His will.
This is strangely similar to what I said to Jesus before He gave Sister Nancy Beth's butter a good churning on Tuesday. Praise Him, and let's hope I can muster some wrath tomorrow.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Raise the red flag

I'm taking a few days off to finish up the last of my Christmas protesting, so posting is going to be light for the next few days. Before I sign off here, I'd like you all to consider this alarming geopolitical development:
All that may sound surprising, because China is a country where barely any women used cosmetics a decade ago. When the authorities stopped discouraging lipstick and other bourgeois displays of beauty in the early 1990s, Chinese women were eager to embrace the aesthetics of the modern world. As a result, the beauty industry has been growing at breathtaking speed—doubling since 1998 into a $7.9 billion market that is expected to climb to $9.6 billion by 2009, according to market research firm Access Asia. Some 90 million urban women in China spend 10% or more of their income on face cream, lipstick, mascara, and the like, particularly in fashionable Shanghai, where women spend 50 times more per capita on cosmetics than women nationwide.
At its face this looks like wonderful news, since cosmetics use would probably be an accurate measuring stick of the inroads Christian missionaries are making into China. But when you consider that China routinely persecutes its Christians, it begs the question: Who will teach the heathen Chinee how to curl their eyelashes -- us, or Chairman Mao's Ministress of Beauty? Fuck Iran and their nuclear reactors -- what Americans should be concerning themselves with is whether Red China plans to use its emerging glamour-related technologies to modernize and join the rest of the world, or whether its intentions are more sinister. Developing, as they say on the internets...

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Backdoor Mountain*

Jesus and I decided today would be a good day to protest Brokeback Mountain, Hollywood's latest effront against Christian values, so off to The Grove we went. The movie doesn't offer much in terms of plot: Two perverts penetrate one another out in the wilderness over the course of two hours and twenty minutes. No one gets possessed or resurrected, but at least somebody dies. Since nothing really happens, the only message I came away with is that nature's austere beauty could turn even the most rugged man into a raving nancy. It's little wonder there's so much common cause between the gay rights & environmental movements. They're probably planning on turning ANWR into another gay resort destination, like Guerneville or Provincetown.

Few things propagate homosexuality like its sensitive depiction by popular young actors on film, so this movie clearly presents a grave threat to Our Nation's Families. It also abuses cosmetics in a way I find morally objectionable, by not putting any on one of the central female characters. One bit of moral truth, however, did makes its way into the film, namely that God slaughters a baby lamb each time homosexuals fornicate. So, all in all, another effective recruitment tool for the homosexual/environmental/anti-cosmetics movement.

*I could have done Bareback Mountain, but that's too easy.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Sister Nancy Beth's inaugural iPod thingy

Jesus & I have spent so much time transferring music to the new iPod we bought last weekend that I might as well do one of these random-ten-songs entries. So here's what came up (Red of Righteousness indicates songs that I imported; Green of Eternal Renewal are Jesus'):

In Another Land - The Rolling Stones
Fish Eye - Bailterspace
You And Me In Time - Broadcast
Strobe's The Hunted (Kannagara Mix) - 鼓童
Wailhouse - Ut
Eddebya : theme - Dimi Mint Abba
Pushkin - Palace Brothers
We Do What We Can - Sheryl Crow
Once Was A Time I Thought - The Mamas & The Papas
Sparkwood And Twentyone - Aix Em Klemm

Random notes: Are more of my tracks coming up because I've imported more of my cds, or is this luck of the draw? I'm sure it's too early to tell. Also too early to tell is how the iPod will impact my music-buying patterns. I've long approached recordings as artifacts whose artwork and packaging are worthy of consideration, if not outright preservation (I believe I'm called "collector scum"). Seeing music as computer files to transfer from one device to the other doesn't quite mesh with this worldview, but I wonder how my beliefs on this will drift. And I don't know what to make of the Japanese characters; those came from the Gracenotes database.

Prayer Circle Jamboree, Special Olympics Edition

Sister Nancy Beth likes to honor all of God's Children, even the retards. That's why I'm dedicating this special installment of Prayer Circle Jamboree to Andrew Sullivan, with a big ribbon saying "Nice try!" One of Andrew's recent mudpie creations is something called the End of Gay Culture, whose basic premise is that now that the nancies have Andrew Sullivan, they can comfortably unload all of their cultural trappings at some grand homo rummage sale where they serve mojitos. His latest bit of proof that All You Need Is Andy is this entry:
END OF GAY CULTURE WATCH: Casper, Wyoming, has an openly gay mayor. Zzzzzz.
Zzzzzz indeed, except for a few small details that Andy seems to have overlooked. First, according to the New York Times article he cites, the citizens of Casper didn't actually cast ballots for their new mayor:
And it should be noted as well that Casper chooses its mayors by vote of the nine-member nonpartisan City Council. His homosexuality already known, Mr. Padgett was chosen unanimously - but by proxy of the voters through their council members, not by the voters themselves.
And the locals may not be as indifferent as Andy might want us to believe:
Some think the city arrived in the wrong place from that soul search.

Murray Watson, a 64-year-old rancher who lives 30 miles away and was in town on Thursday to shop, said Mr. Padgett's election was a dark day for Casper.

"I wouldn't live in this town because of it," Mr. Watson said.
Small points and probably not worth mentioning, so Andy still gets a glittery pencil to play with on his trips to Provincetown.

Lastly, Padgett's being given the office seems to be more of an act of atonement for the death of Matthew Shepard, one of those hoary figures of homosexualist lore from that dead gay culture Andy's trying to bury, rather than some gesture of Libertarianism:
There have been changes, Mr. Padgett says, including his own election, that are linked in one way or another to the death of Matthew Shepard, a gay student at the University of Wyoming whose killing, in 1998 at the hands of two men he had met in a bar, shocked the nation.

Mr. Padgett met Mr. Shepard in junior high school and came out about his own sexual orientation in a magazine interview five years after the murder. Mr. Padgett's partner, Jason Marsden, who was a reporter for The Casper Star-Tribune at the time of the killing, came out in an op-ed column even as his paper was covering the crime.

Mr. Shepard is buried here. And Casper, many say, has probably carried the discussion of what the crime meant, and what it revealed, further than just about any other place.
I've come to regard Andrew Sullivan as the Terri Schiavo of the blogosphere, and we Christians who cherish life should exalt all of his gurglings as cogent and meaningful. Here, Andrew, have a Troll pencil, but don't poke your eye out. Praise Him!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Prayer circle jamboree

Conchita wined & dined the staff of the Beauty Palace at the Weiland Brewery today for our "Holiday" lunch, so I'm a bit full and kind of sleepy. I made it a point to order the grilled ham & cheese sandwich, lest anyone confuse which holiday I was actually celebrating. Sadly, this symbolic gesture, as well as my attempts to lead my coworkers in Grace, went unnoticed beneath the chatter and the Johnny Cash on the p.a.. While I digest the garlic fries (sorry, Jesus!), I leave you with the wisdom of my Prayer Warriors.

Lashawn Barber focuses her typically razor-sharp gaze on the two "sort-of related" phenomena responsible for feminizing America: illegal immigration and John McCain's anti-torture bill. Lashawn's point, for those of you unfamiliar with her lyrically elliptical style, is that real men harass illegal immigrants AND insert glowsticks into the rectums of suspected terrorists.

Over at Townhall, Chuck Colson warns us of the latest plank of the Homosexual Agenda: imprisoning Christians in mental hospitals!

It may sound extreme, but this is the beginning of a process that has long been popular with tyrants. In the Soviet Union, Christians were sent by the hundreds of thousands to mental institutions. The state was officially atheist, so if you believe that there was a God, you were insane. And it’s still a wonderful tool for oppressors in places like China and North Korea. ...

But if the day should come that opposition to homosexual conduct is labeled homophobia, and homophobia labeled delusional, then it is a very short step to saying that belief in the Bible, which labels that conduct sinful, is also a mental disorder.

I don't think it's too far a stretch to predict we'll end up as inmates in Pottery Barn's Chinese-style work camps, where we toil night and day applying distressed finishes to their armoires and sidetables.

Agape Press is horrified to learn that Wal-Mart is trying to market their brand of economy-depressing wages to the nancies. Don Wildmon predicts that it is simply a matter of time before Wal-Mart extends benefits like advising how to file for taxpayer-subsidized health insurance to the domestic partners of its employees.

Also at Agape Press, "Plain" Jane Jimenez says that the best Christmas gift parents can give their children is two differently-sexed married parents (try overstock.com). Second best, of course, is a genuine Edicts of Nancy thong.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

We Were Christian Soldiers Once...

Sister Nancy Beth loves hearing from her fellow Christians, whether it's the latest in liberal heresy, or just sharing a recipe for a delicious new casserole. Today's mailbag brings exciting news of the visionary campaign to draft Mel Gibson for Governor. While I naturally worry that Mel's stint as governor might interfere with his ministry of spreading the Word through costume jewelry, I still give this idea an enthusiastic two-thumbs up.

Beauty Lies...

No sooner do I report on the loony left's use of makeup as a pawn in their Global War on Christmas than they turn their guns on makeup itself. Today's outrage comes from hippity-dippity E Magazine, where they finish dancing around the maypole long enough to pick up their Ren-Faire crossbows and fire off a few misguided rounds of disinformation at that most venerable of American institutions, the cosmetics industry:
Despite a scattering of media reports over the years, most consumers don’t give much thought to the recognized allergens, probable carcinogens, hormone disrupters and inadequately tested industrial chemicals in the perfumes, nail polishes, shampoos and other personal-care products lining the shelves of U.S. drugstores, department stores and specialty retailers. However, this seemingly well-kept industry secret has been on the radars of consumer and environmental groups, as well as concerned doctors and scientists, for years.

So, who is responsible? Who is regulating the cosmetics and personal-care industry and looking out for consumer safety? The cosmetics industry will direct you to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the FDA will direct you to the Cosmetics Ingredient Review (CIR) panel, and the CIR will gladly tell you about all the wonderful research they are doing in the name of safety to keep consumers happy and healthy. But don’t count on being reminded that they’re funded by the very companies whose ingredients and products must pass their review board prior to entering the consumer market.
The article is password-protected (Jesus subscribes -- don't ask...), but you don't need any more than the two paragraphs above to see the Bush-blaming/America-hating agenda of MSM at work. Totally ignored, naturally, are all the many wonderful things makeup does for us. Does the author even bother to consider the correlative relationship between increased use of cosmetics and the lengthening lifespan of the average American, or makeup's important contributions to America's rebounding economy, or even the important charity work performed by cosmetics manufacturers? Of course not. Similarly absent are the spiritual dimensions of cosmetics, whereby we Fallen Daughters of Eve spend hours a day returning ourselves to our Edenic splendor in a ritual fraught with sacramental importance. Instead, it's the usual chicken little boilerplate clamoring for more regulation, with cancer, birth defects, and sprouting testicles from our ladyparts used as scare tactics.

So, how would The Left like to see us beautify ourselves?
A variety of companies are now making personal-care products based on more natural, and often organic, ingredients, paralleling the rise of the natural foods movement. But be forewarned: marketing claims may still be inflated. The debate over organic labeling of cosmetics also continues to rage on (see “Body-Care Brawl,” Consumer News, March/April 2004).

In August, the USDA reversed a previous ruling and will now allow cosmetics, among other products, to carry the distinctive green organic seal as long as all the federal requirements are met. In recent years, a variety of products made from more natural, plant-based ingredients have been widely available from such companies as Aveda, Aubrey Organics, Earth’s Beauty, Ecco Bella, Grateful Body, Jakaré, Nature’s Gate, TerrEssentials and Dr. Bronner’s.
Oh, brother -- a plug for tinting our lips with berries we found while foraging in the woods. MSM has been trying to give this sort of paganism a respectable secular whitewashing for years: "Witch" hazel in place of your favorite astringent, anybody? Only if you want to be able to pot a ficus in your facial pores and make George Soros richer in the process. As that Divinely inspired meditation on beauty tells us, "There is no such thing as natural beauty." The sooner the moonbats figure that out, the better.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The War on Christmas: Special Cosmetics Edition

By now, you should be well aware of the tag-team assault MSM & the moonbats have unleashed on Christmas, as the pages of RenewAmerica, Townhall, & Human Events Online have been filled with nothing but informative pieces about this jihad. But it may interest my gentle readers to learn that even the makeup counter has become a heated battleground on the war on Christmas, here and abroad. Will liberals stop at nothing in their attempts to desecrate this Holy Day?

Fighting the Good Fight for Christendom is the Philippine Daily Inquirer, whose championing of cosmetics from a Christian vantage point is undoubtedly an effective psy-ops operation against that country's Muslim insurgency. I challenge any of you to find a more blistering assault against the forces of Islamofascism and its sister-in-arms, The Left, than this:
WHO ELSE would dare challenge the already glittering Christmas season but you? And what better way to do it than with a little help from Shiseido’s holiday offering?

For foolproof dazzle and shine, the Diamond Tear collection will definitely not disappoint.

How to wear it: With the collection’s wide range of shades, all dripping in gorgeous glimmer from eyes to lips, there is plenty of room to experiment!

Keep focus on one feature (read: don’t overdo the glitter! [huh?-SNBE]). For day, add some unexpected glamour with Diamond Tear Eyeliner. You can keep the line close to your lashes or wing it out at the edges to make eyes look wider and bolder. I love it in Aurora Peal, a clear, iridescent shade that changes color with every angle.
More rousing than a gospel number; pity I don't have a tambourine nearby. All I can say is, "Amen."

On the other team, sadly, we have Fox News(!), who hoists the white flag and unconditionally surrenders to the forces of political correctness in this piece, Crystal to Cashmere: Holiday Gifts for Women:
Deck the halls with tubes of lipstick ... and cashmere sweaters ... and crystal earrings.

Scoring a holiday home run with the women in your life has never been easier, thanks to companies like Old Navy, Swarovski and Givenchy, all of which are selling high-end products at affordable prices this season.

"I definitely think that apparel and accessories are usually the No. 1 gifts for the holidays. They are great because you have so many options. You can go the upscale route or the affordable route," said Scott Krugman, spokesperson for the National Retail Federation.
What deeply rooted pathology prompts The Left to extend both middle fingers to America like this? It's a disgrace that children can come across liberal propaganda like this, but what's absolutely unpardonable that this is happening right under Bill O'Reilly's nose.

Fortunately, parents, you can teach your children the true meaning of Christmas this season and put them onto the road to Salvation. I heartily recommend the Girl Crush Lip Gloss Maker, for a tangible lesson in the redemptive power of makeup, and my own Edicts of Nancy thong, a bold and stylish affirmation of the tenets of Christian faith. Praise Him!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Eve was weak

My fellow Christians, I must tearfully report that I have sinned against you. My struggle against my Pottery Barn addiction (which went hand in hand with my former nancyhood) is a matter of public record, and I am ashamed to admit that I have once again succumbed to this most horrible of moral failings. Just as Hester Prynne wore her scarlet letter as a sign of her weakness, so to must I display the riazzi mirror as a symbol of my own self-debasement. Please take comfort in knowing the endless source of shame it will serve as when I see it on my living room wall, and how endlessly stigmatizing it will be for me when church ladies come over for Sanka and petit fours.

In happier news of holiday-induced consumerism (oops -- make that "Christmas-induced consumerism"), Jesus & I have joined the iPod revolution. This is a bit early for me to embrace this sort of new technology: I didn't get a cell phone nine months ago, and that's only because Jesus added me to his account. He's been an absolute iPod ninja, transferring plenty of files to the damn thing and eager to go about doing more. In the meantime, Sister Nancy Beth brings up the rear, since I couldn't get the software to load to my friggin computer correctly until Jesus leant His helping hand. I think I'll start doing that random iPod ten thing, primarily as an experiment to see how what's on the list reflects our progress in migrating our music collection to the iPod. So get ready to see plenty of disco remixes of Anita Bryant tunes!

Finally, my inner selfish hedonist is getting restless with this blog. While my Righteousness fuels most of my writing, the inner nancy that I thought I had exorcised demands its share of air-time. Don't be surprised to see the occasional liberal heresy sullying these pages. Posted by Picasa

Wear Your Love Like Heaven

I am pleased to announce the opening of Sister Nancy Beth's Christian Crafts Mart, destined to be your one-stop destination for all your shopping needs. Our inaugural item is the Edicts of Nancy thong. Pamper your ladyparts into a state of Heavenly Grace that would be the envy of Our Holy Queen herself. Bask in the security that comes from having Sister Nancy Beth's trusty mascara wand serving as the terrible, swift sword that keeps the barbarians outside the temple walls. It makes the perfect gift for any occasion: Christmas, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, graduations, First Communions, etc. The children of Bangladesh are working around the clock to bring you this, the finest in ladies' intimate apparel, so stock up and be sure to have plenty on hand.

[advertising copy re-worked Monday a.m.]Posted by Picasa

Friday, December 09, 2005

The Modesty Squad

I've been enjoying Modesty Zone, the website recommended by Prayer Warrior Mona Charen in her TownHall piece today: Who knew that sleeveless wedding gowns were an evil plot hatched up by the Kennedys to destroy America? Fortunately for us, Modesty Zone even has a group blog that covers many of the same pressing issues -- men who wear jewelry, purity rings (which are presumably ok for men to wear because it means they're asexual instead of homosexual), and tactfully telling your distant relative that you think she looks like a slut -- that I do. Because I'd like to be invited to join, I hereby submit this rebuttal to the entry Not Your Average Harvard Seminar, about female orgasms:

Sister Meghan's entry was insightful and asked a number of provocative questions about the consequences of encouraging female sexuality, but she didn't go far enough in challenging the faulty premise this squalid peepshow was based on, namely that women have orgasms. If The Lord had intended for us to have them, he would have given us penises. (And I apologize for the coarseness of my language; I will try to use euphemisms in place of the common vulgarities that make up the lexicon of today's dissolute "sex educators.") Take it from me, girls: A Christian lady will sooner see a unicorn trotting across her living room before she encounters that equally mythical creature, the female "O."

Not that this should deter us from performing our essential wifely functions. Whenever Jesus enters Nancystan, I endure it with the same grim determination as Margaret Thatcher ordering the invasion of the Falklands, despite what pleasurable sensations I may experience in my ladyparts. Back in my days of selfish hedonism, I may have thought sexual congress was an enjoyable experience. But since I was born again, I have come to see it as the Devil's Tango. If Satan asks, "May I have this dance?" tell him your card is already full.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Seducing down the door

I try to follow The Church's moral guidance on nancyhood with all due seriousness, but this National Review article gave me the giggles. Imagine the following passages as part of an extended flirtation in a Provincetown tavern between the author, Father Raymond J. de Souza, and Andrew Sullivan:
The key passage says that "those who practice homosexuality, present deep-seated homosexual tendencies or support the so-called 'gay culture' should not be admitted to seminaries or ordained priests." ...

What does "deep-seated" mean?

That leaves the second category: "those who present deep-seated homosexual tendencies."

The first thing to be observed is that the language chosen — after some five years or more of consideration — does not define a "deep-seated" homosexual tendency. It also seems reasonable to conclude that a homosexual tendency which is not "deep-seated" does not constitute a barrier to Holy Orders.

No barrier at all, I'm sure Andy would agree.

And the punchline?
Father Raymond J. de Souza is a chaplain at Queen's University in Ontario.

Prayer Circle Jamboree

We're long overdue for checking in with our Prayer Warriors, whose words of Faith and Patriotism guide us through this dark age we presently inhabit. They've been such a source of inspiration I regret I can only highlight but a handful.

Belmont Club informs us that Democracy is just another word for blowing people up:

Basically, the various tribes, religious and ethnic groups (even the Christians) are maneuvering for votes: including, surprise, surprise, the Sunni insurgents. "The new and interesting thing in this election is the large-scale participation of Sunni parties for the first time. These parties think they have a good chance to win many seats in the parliament."

So it is less and less surprising that suicide attacks, such as the blast in a bus killing 30 people or the one which killed nearly the same number at a police academy involve Iraqis on Iraqis. It's no longer war, properly understood, but politics Middle-Eastern style. (BTW the word "Iraqis" is consciously used knowing it conceals a multitude of differences. For a discussion on how Arabs aren't all the same see Michael J. Totten) The purely military war in Iraq is over and America has won.

Plus we imported American-style democracy, which the locals have handily adapted to their own customs -- Mission Accomplished!!!

National Review's Ned Rice examines the politics of John Lennon, and determines that besides his appearance on Nixon's enemies list, his communistic record label, his pacifism, his advocacy of revolutionary politics, and his hostility to organized religion, Lennon is still a guy conservatives can really get behind. (He forgot to mention that time Lennon dangled his wang on the cover of Two Virgins, but I'm sure most of my fellow conservatives would be cool with that, too.)

Todd Manzi shines a light on Cindy Sheehan's efforts to kill American troops, as well as the Iraqi insurgency's reliance on Rassmussen polling data.

Michelle Malkin examines the "injuries" sustained by professional Christ-hater Paul Mirecki, who probably did this to himself so he could run for president some day.

Lastly, in style-related news, World Net Daily unveils this season's hottest fashion accessory, politically incorrect "Merry Christmas" bracelets:
"The enemies of Christmas have succeeded in making Christians feel as if we are bad and intolerant to wish someone a 'Merry Christmas,'" states the group. "This is political correctness run amok. We have reached an all-time low point in our nation's history when human sensibilities are elevated above offending Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is long past the time for Christians to stand firm in our faith.
Sister Nancy Beth can think of no better display of piety or civil disobedience than adorning both forearms with these lovely baubles and heading straight to Target: "In your face, checkout girl" -- snap!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The greatest GIF of all...

... comes from Nancy-Con Princess Sparkle Pony. Had I known this was coming, I would have worn my waterproof mascara.

The do-me decimal system

Librarians may try to present themselves as meek servants of the public good, but they're little more than trojan horses of leftist radicalism and degeneracy. Indeed, their well-documented aversion to glamour (like vampires to crucifixes) ought to sound a deafening alarm to any good Christian woman, warning her to steer clear of their hives of perversion. Should you need any further proof of the threat they pose to Our Republic, I offer the following:

exhibit a:

Saying it would be "inappropriate" to include them, Memphis, Tenn., library officials have banned Mary, Joseph, Jesus and the wise men from a promotional nativity scene – leaving only the stable animals and a shepherd boy. ...

"It truly is ridiculous that we even have to discuss whether a nativity scene can be displayed at Christmas," said ADF senior legal counsel Nate Kellum. "Libraries are supposed to encourage free expression and thought. Government officials do not have the authority to pick and choose which items in a Christmas nativity scene are acceptable for display."

They have no more right to pick and choose which books are on their shelves, but does that stop these tyrants? Hardly. I myself have been waging a protracted war against my local branch of the LAPL for making the title Beauty Evolution freely available to minors. Despite my repeated requests, they haven't even affixed so much as a warning sticker alerting the reader that evolution is little more than a scientific hunch that's as easily disproven as global warming or any of those other moonbat histrionics tarted up as fact. But that's libraries for you: arrogant, hostile to Christianity, and unaccountable to anyone, not even taxpayers...

... which brings us to exhibit b:
Included in the Transportation-Treasury appropriations bill (H.R. 3058) for fiscal 2006 is a $250,000 earmark for the city of Utica, N.Y., which was designated for the replacement of windows at the Utica Public Library.

The House approved the bill on a 392-31 vote November 18. President Bush signed the $137.6 billion appropriations bill into law November 30.
I guess nothing is better for viewing a Christless nativity scene in your public library than natural sunlight pouring in through new windows. I'm going to assume it will be Christ-free, because their ornament (no holidays here -- unhappy or otherwise -- please) certainly is. Actually, the real mystery in all of this is why a Republican-dominated Congress would approve such an expenditure: Have all the pornographic arts already been fully funded? The answer, I suppose, lies in Our Republican Leaders' faulty perceptions of librarians as the responsible stewards of information, as opposed to the cold-blooded killers they truly are. Sister Nancy Beth is out to tell them otherwise.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Don't push me, punk

I'm still fuming over this morning's unpleasantness, so I went looking for some cosmetics-themed news stories to put my mind at ease. Unfortunately, the first one I came across was just as combative as I presently feel:
It may sound bizarre, but a female teacher of Bharatiya Balika School at Shahnajaf Road was recently assaulted for stopping a girl student from using cosmetics in the classroom.
Right on, sister -- you can have my lipliner when you pry it from my cold, dead hands! It's a surprisingly long story, but the obvious lesson we can learn is that makeup is an important tool of empowerment - Fight the Power!

Fortunately for my blood pressure the other stories I came across weren't so confrontational. In glamourceutical-related news, it appears that researchers at New Mexico State University are headed down a slippery ethical slope:
The money from the U.S. Department of Agriculture will be used at NMSU's College of Agriculture and Home Economics to identify and isolate oil-producing genes from the jojoba plant and then determine the best method for grafting it to more common plants, such as sunflowers. The goal is to make a plant that will produce the same oil that the jojoba produces, but in greater quantities.
I can see why a Christian would be torn. On one hand, they are tinkering with the Majesty of God's Creation, while on the other, cheap and affordable jojoba oil could make eliminating flaky skin on a global scale very much a reality, possibly within our lifetime. This truly is the conundrum for our modern age. I leave it in the wisdom of President Bush, who will hopefully find a compromise as Solomonic as his stem-cell policy -- Praise Him!

Our last bit of makeup news shows the obvious (though previously unnoted) link between cosmetics and the Party of Personal Responsibility:
"Eyelashes naturally contain bacteria," says Alice Matoba, M.D., associate professor of ophthalmology at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. "As soon as you use a makeup brush on the eyelash or eyelid, the brush becomes contaminated." Over time, bacteria grow in the cosmetic container, increasing the chance of an eye infection or allergic reaction. Liquid products—foundation, mascaras or moisturizers—are the most likely to harbor bacteria because water is their main ingredient. And bacteria thrive in water.

If you poke yourself in the eye while applying mascara, get thee to an eye doctor. It's more serious than you think, because many city water supplies carry a microbe that, left untreated, can lead to blindness. "Your eyes and lips are openings to your mucous membranes," says Karyn Grossman, M.D., a dermatologist based in Los Angeles, "so never share your lipstick or eyeliner. You could put yourself at risk of a staph infection or viruses like hepatitis, herpes, mononucleosis, or even warts."
Important advice, ladies, and yet another reminder that with privilege comes responsibility. In light of the health risks this article points out (herpes, warts, blindness etc.), our sex-respect courses should mention the dangers of pre-marital mascara use for young people. And on a more personal note, Satan has recently afflicted my dear friend Sister Chandrika, whom I've mentioned on this blog, with pink eye, and she had to throw out all her makeup. It was such a financial setback to replace all of it that I believe there should be some sort of pink eye exemption to the recent bankruptcy law. We are, after all, living in the age of Compassionate Conservatism. I'm feeling a lot better now, which makes me think that makeup is the new Paxil.

The Lecture

OK, people, I'm sorry it's had to come to this, but because somebody is posting comments while masquerading as somebody else, commenting will be available only to people with registered Blogger/Blogspot ids. I find it ridiculous that a blog with as few readers as this (about 25 a day) would even be a forum for these sorts of shenanigans, and I wish this were all a figment of my imagination, but the person who was impersonated is making noise about contacting lawyers, employers, etc., and has fingered ME as the person who left the comment, where the extent of my involvement was clicking on the link of the person who I thought had left the offending comment from my work address. I enjoy writing for my small audience here, but I'm more than willing to give it up to keep my cherished position at Conchita's Unisex Beauty Palace. In other words: Knock it off.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Nancyhood Watch

The Left's hypocrisy towards that scourge known as homosexuality never ceases to amaze me. According to Ted Kennedy, Susan Sarandon, et al., when an American serviceman has been seduced by an Iraqi Al-Qaeda member into sticking a glowstick up his ass, this constitutes torture, but when the same thing happens in, say, Massachusetts, it's somehow a quantum leap for civil rights. Moonbats may wish to turn a blind eye to the destruction of America's moral fiber nancydom and its attendant perversions unleash, but fortunately the patriots on the Right are pulling double-shifts watching out for us. Over at WorldNetDaily, Concerned Person for America Bob Knight shines a light on that most fearsome of hydrae, the homosexual-abortionist-euthanasia-feminist movement, to catalog only a tiny fraction of their misdeeds:
At the national level, the pro-abortion National Organization for Women supports all aspects of the homosexual agenda, including same-sex "marriage," hate crime laws, and persecuting the Boy Scouts for barring homosexuals as scoutmasters.

Homosexual activist groups are players in liberal coalitions that work against pro-life judicial nominees, for socialized medicine, and for legislation restricting the rights of pro-life demonstrators, such as the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act, which treats pro-life protesters as criminals.
An America where Communists oversee our healthcare system while interior decorators hunt Boy Scouts for sport is not an America I want to live in. Some of you may dismiss this bleak scenario as nothing more than a dystopian nightmare brought about by inhaling too many styling product fumes this morning, but I offer the following as evidence that homosexual militants are steadily chipping away at the foundations of masculinity in order to bring about the Apocalypse:

Jewelry For Men: Debbie Schlussel examines the latest incarnation of this distressing trend whereby "men" adopt ladies' accessories. I've seen "gentlemen" donning purses, skirts, and now baubles. The corollary of this outrage, of course, is female espousement of traditionally male vestments, like that abomination known as the female condom. Disgusting.

Tinkling While Sitting Down: I saw this salvo against masculinity on the cover of the December issue of Details magazine. Thankfully this dangerous article is not available online, but you can see how wildly this idea has taken off with Details' readership of well-groomed metrosexuals over at their discussion boards. What other feminine bodily functions will MSM have our men performing next -- ovulation, perhaps? In a word: disgraceful.

Drag Shows: Speaking as a Christian woman, I find nothing more offensive than the thought of some gay man pretending to be a lady. So I was pleased to learn (via Whore of Heresy By the Bayou) that Gay Republicans, while incapable of recognizing the damage their own perverted lifestyle choices are having on America, will at least speak out against the mockery of God's creation:
A gay Republican group is asking for an investigation of a drag show at the University of Missouri-St. Louis.

The president of the Log Cabin Republicans of Greater St. Louis, Charles Stadtlander, said he attended the Oct. 14 drag show.

He raised concerns that the show mocked heterosexual audience members, that performers wore revealing outfits, used inappropriate language and simulated sex acts.
Inappropriate language and revealing outfits? At a college function? It's situations like this that I'm glad I flunked out of beauty school, because God was clearly watching over me to prevent me from having to witness such a lurid spectacle. Christians, please be on guard, as we alone have been entrusted with guarding the sacredness of the sexes. The homosexual menace, with their fellow travellers in the Mainstream Media and the Episcopilian church, will stop at nothing to degrade it further.

Friday, December 02, 2005

40 lashes to Teen People

Yesterday lefty bloggers were doing their usual number of patting themselves on the back and shedding crocodile tears for their Blog Against Racism Day. I can't help but wonder if their tender hearts would bleed so profusely for the flagrant discrimination Christians must endure on a daily basis. Case in point is the mascara quiz in the current issue of Teen People, which chooses to ignore the very existence and the makeup needs of the Saved Teen altogether. These anti-Christian/MSM zealots have chosen not to make this feature available online, but as a service to the right blogosphere, I am reproducing the majority of it here. For those of you who want to check it out at the newsstand or your local library, it's on page 92 of the December '05/January '06 issue.



Whether you want the biggest, boldest lashes money can buy or just a hint of tint, we'll help you pick the perfect mascara for your personality.

Your Everyday jeans are:

A. Clean, crisp indigo Levi's -- classic
B. Embellished with crystals
C. Barely hanging together, between all the rips and the tears

Conspicuously absent is an option that lets our teen respond that wearing men's dress is an abomination (pdf) to the Lord and that she dresses with the modesty He intended her to, in a calf-length skirt. Moving on:
Your locker has been making the school janitor's jaw drop ever since

A. Scrubbed every inch clean with a toothbrush -- it's gleaming!
B. Put up red velvet curtains
C. Spray-painted your name across the front
Is it that inconceivable that today's teen of faith would choose to put an "Israel - Right or Wrong" bumper sticker and garland of plastic fetuses on her locker? According to our uberlords of political correctness, evidently so.

Wednesday is your favorite day because after school, you:

A. Pick up litter with your community-service club
B. Take acting lessons with the same person who worked with Charlize Theron
C. Hit the skate park

Again, no room for teens who attend sex-respect meetings or protest their local Planned Parenthood clinic. I guess Teen People would prefer their readers have abortions than object to them.

If you weren't so weighed down with all that homework, you'd definitely be a groupie for:

A. John Mayer
B. Christina Aguilera
C. Avril Lavigne

I never thought I'd consider the age when teen female groupies wanted to sleep with male musicians by the legion (and vice versa) a more innocent time, but this question is irrefutable proof that MSM is trying to turn its impressionable young readers into lesbians. Would featuring rugged RNC heartthrobs like Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney on the pages of Teen People violate their editorial policy?
Under your winter-formal dress you'll be sporting:

A. Bare legs
B. Black lace stockings
C. Shredded purple fishnets
D. Marabou trimmed chastity belt with mother-of-pearl inlay.

They really ratchet up the mealy-mouthed PC euphemisms with the answer key:

If you picked mostly:

A's, you're fresh-faced
B's, you're dramatic
C's, you're punk
If by "fresh-faced" they mean a dyke who's running on diesel, by "dramatic" they mean a male-to-female pre-op transsexual, and by "punk" they mean streetwalker, I suppose. They then go on to recommend mascaras based on these spurious diagnoses. I fervently pray that my fellow Christian womenfolk Phyllis Schlafly and Star Parker learn about this outrage, because this is the same kind of unhindered psychological testing that provoked their wrath earlier.

And for the record, Sister Nancy Beth heartily endorses Maybelline's Great Lash for today's Christian teen, as it's affordable, and its washable formula makes for maximum facial streaking during moments of penitence. I've come to regard the curved applicator brush as the Arc of the Covenant, possibly the equivalent of the Presidential Medal of Freedom when it comes to faith-based cosmetics.

You're soaking in it!

Our friends at Needlenose located this flattering picture of Dapper Donald Rumsfeld, who always looks sharp. But my inner manicurist told me those spirit fingers needed a bit of dressing up, Nancy Beth-style. So, Mister Secretary, please enjoy this lovely silk wrap in an opulent shade of Zanzibar, and when you're ready for a fill, my chair awaits.Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Good Housekeeping

I've created a new category on my blogroll: Nancy-Cons. I like to think of Nancy-Cons as former liberals who were shocked into a new way of thinking, either by 9/11, or perhaps by attending too many liberal elite dinner parties where the main course was treason. It also helps that all of them have blog-rolled me or seem to be paying enough attention to indicate my teachings on faith-based cosmetology are having some rehabilitative effect on them. [However, if any of you think you are incorrigibly liberal and belong in the Whores of Heresy section, let me know.]

For those of you wondering what made me renounce my former life of selfish hedonism and join the Conservative movement, I'll tell you: Pottery Barn. I so looked forward to their monthly catalogs that I started referring to it as my favorite piece of gay porn. I was thoroughly versed in every product line, so much so that when Laci Peterson disappeared, I instantly recognized that she had been photographed sitting in their Malabar chair. "Dear Pottery Barn," I repeatedly wrote to them, "Would you please consider renaming your Malabar chair Conner's Chair, in honor of Laci's unborn child, or perhaps Laci's Chair, if the thought of naming a piece of furniture after a dead fetus doesn't test well with your focus groups?" Despite my constant entreaties, I never heard back from them. The final straw was when I bought their organza scrollwork panels at full retail price, with reassurances from the sales girl that these would be long gone before they could be marked down, but they were in the clearance section of their website two days later.

Breaking with my past has been a struggle. Despite my better judgment, Jesus & I decided to protest Pottery Barn in our quest for a sofa. Somehow we ended up among their bedroom sets, and Jesus asked me, "Is that the Sumatra?"

"No," I said without a moment's hesitation, it all coming back to me, "it's the Valencia line."

I knew I had to get out of there immediately. Pottery Barn's grip, like Satan's, is strong and unrelenting, and I ask you all to pray for Sister Nancy Beth to overcome this moral failing, so I may continue to do my good works for the good souls of Christendom.