Don't push me, punk

I'm still fuming over this morning's unpleasantness, so I went looking for some cosmetics-themed news stories to put my mind at ease. Unfortunately, the first one I came across was just as combative as I presently feel:

It may sound bizarre, but a female teacher of Bharatiya Balika School at Shahnajaf Road was recently assaulted for stopping a girl student from using cosmetics in the classroom.

Right on, sister -- you can have my lipliner when you pry it from my cold, dead hands! It's a surprisingly long story, but the obvious lesson we can learn is that makeup is an important tool of empowerment - Fight the Power!

Fortunately for my blood pressure the other stories I came across weren't so confrontational. In glamourceutical-related news, it appears that researchers at New Mexico State University are headed down a slippery ethical slope:

The money from the U.S. Department of Agriculture will be used at NMSU's College of Agriculture and Home Economics to identify and isolate oil-producing genes from the jojoba plant and then determine the best method for grafting it to more common plants, such as sunflowers. The goal is to make a plant that will produce the same oil that the jojoba produces, but in greater quantities.

I can see why a Christian would be torn. On one hand, they are tinkering with the Majesty of God's Creation, while on the other, cheap and affordable jojoba oil could make eliminating flaky skin on a global scale very much a reality, possibly within our lifetime. This truly is the conundrum for our modern age. I leave it in the wisdom of President Bush, who will hopefully find a compromise as Solomonic as his stem-cell policy -- Praise Him!

Our last bit of makeup news shows the obvious (though previously unnoted) link between cosmetics and the Party of Personal Responsibility:

"Eyelashes naturally contain bacteria," says Alice Matoba, M.D., associate professor of ophthalmology at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. "As soon as you use a makeup brush on the eyelash or eyelid, the brush becomes contaminated." Over time, bacteria grow in the cosmetic container, increasing the chance of an eye infection or allergic reaction. Liquid products—foundation, mascaras or moisturizers—are the most likely to harbor bacteria because water is their main ingredient. And bacteria thrive in water.

If you poke yourself in the eye while applying mascara, get thee to an eye doctor. It's more serious than you think, because many city water supplies carry a microbe that, left untreated, can lead to blindness. "Your eyes and lips are openings to your mucous membranes," says Karyn Grossman, M.D., a dermatologist based in Los Angeles, "so never share your lipstick or eyeliner. You could put yourself at risk of a staph infection or viruses like hepatitis, herpes, mononucleosis, or even warts."

Important advice, ladies, and yet another reminder that with privilege comes responsibility. In light of the health risks this article points out (herpes, warts, blindness etc.), our sex-respect courses should mention the dangers of pre-marital mascara use for young people. And on a more personal note, Satan has recently afflicted my dear friend Sister Chandrika, whom I've mentioned on this blog, with pink eye, and she had to throw out all her makeup. It was such a financial setback to replace all of it that I believe there should be some sort of pink eye exemption to the recent bankruptcy law. We are, after all, living in the age of Compassionate Conservatism. I'm feeling a lot better now, which makes me think that makeup is the new Paxil.