40 lashes to Teen People

Yesterday lefty bloggers were doing their usual number of patting themselves on the back and shedding crocodile tears for their Blog Against Racism Day. I can't help but wonder if their tender hearts would bleed so profusely for the flagrant discrimination Christians must endure on a daily basis. Case in point is the mascara quiz in the current issue of Teen People, which chooses to ignore the very existence and the makeup needs of the Saved Teen altogether. These anti-Christian/MSM zealots have chosen not to make this feature available online, but as a service to the right blogosphere, I am reproducing the majority of it here. For those of you who want to check it out at the newsstand or your local library, it's on page 92 of the December '05/January '06 issue.

BEAUTY QUIZ!

CHOOSE YOUR LOOK

Whether you want the biggest, boldest lashes money can buy or just a hint of tint, we'll help you pick the perfect mascara for your personality.

Your Everyday jeans are:

A. Clean, crisp indigo Levi's -- classic
B. Embellished with crystals
C. Barely hanging together, between all the rips and the tears

Conspicuously absent is an option that lets our teen respond that wearing men's dress is an abomination (pdf) to the Lord and that she dresses with the modesty He intended her to, in a calf-length skirt. Moving on:

Your locker has been making the school janitor's jaw drop ever since
you:

A. Scrubbed every inch clean with a toothbrush -- it's gleaming!
B. Put up red velvet curtains
C. Spray-painted your name across the front

Is it that inconceivable that today's teen of faith would choose to put an "Israel - Right or Wrong" bumper sticker and garland of plastic fetuses on her locker? According to our uberlords of political correctness, evidently so.

Wednesday is your favorite day because after school, you:

A. Pick up litter with your community-service club
B. Take acting lessons with the same person who worked with Charlize Theron
C. Hit the skate park

Again, no room for teens who attend sex-respect meetings or protest their local Planned Parenthood clinic. I guess Teen People would prefer their readers have abortions than object to them.

If you weren't so weighed down with all that homework, you'd definitely be a groupie for:

A. John Mayer
B. Christina Aguilera
C. Avril Lavigne

I never thought I'd consider the age when teen female groupies wanted to sleep with male musicians by the legion (and vice versa) a more innocent time, but this question is irrefutable proof that MSM is trying to turn its impressionable young readers into lesbians. Would featuring rugged RNC heartthrobs like Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney on the pages of Teen People violate their editorial policy?

Under your winter-formal dress you'll be sporting:

A. Bare legs
B. Black lace stockings
C. Shredded purple fishnets

D. Marabou trimmed chastity belt with mother-of-pearl inlay.

They really ratchet up the mealy-mouthed PC euphemisms with the answer key:

WHAT'S YOUR BEAUTY PERSONALITY?

If you picked mostly:

A's, you're fresh-faced
B's, you're dramatic
C's, you're punk

If by "fresh-faced" they mean a dyke who's running on diesel, by "dramatic" they mean a male-to-female pre-op transsexual, and by "punk" they mean streetwalker, I suppose. They then go on to recommend mascaras based on these spurious diagnoses. I fervently pray that my fellow Christian womenfolk Phyllis Schlafly and Star Parker learn about this outrage, because this is the same kind of unhindered psychological testing that provoked their wrath earlier.

And for the record, Sister Nancy Beth heartily endorses Maybelline's Great Lash for today's Christian teen, as it's affordable, and its washable formula makes for maximum facial streaking during moments of penitence. I've come to regard the curved applicator brush as the Arc of the Covenant, possibly the equivalent of the Presidential Medal of Freedom when it comes to faith-based cosmetics.