40 lashes to Teen People
Conspicuously absent is an option that lets our teen respond that wearing men's dress is an abomination (pdf) to the Lord and that she dresses with the modesty He intended her to, in a calf-length skirt. Moving on:
CHOOSE YOUR LOOK
Whether you want the biggest, boldest lashes money can buy or just a hint of tint, we'll help you pick the perfect mascara for your personality.
Your Everyday jeans are:
A. Clean, crisp indigo Levi's -- classic
B. Embellished with crystals
C. Barely hanging together, between all the rips and the tears
Your locker has been making the school janitor's jaw drop ever sinceIs it that inconceivable that today's teen of faith would choose to put an "Israel - Right or Wrong" bumper sticker and garland of plastic fetuses on her locker? According to our uberlords of political correctness, evidently so.
A. Scrubbed every inch clean with a toothbrush -- it's gleaming!
B. Put up red velvet curtains
C. Spray-painted your name across the front
Again, no room for teens who attend sex-respect meetings or protest their local Planned Parenthood clinic. I guess Teen People would prefer their readers have abortions than object to them.
Wednesday is your favorite day because after school, you:
A. Pick up litter with your community-service club
B. Take acting lessons with the same person who worked with Charlize Theron
C. Hit the skate park
I never thought I'd consider the age when teen female groupies wanted to sleep with male musicians by the legion (and vice versa) a more innocent time, but this question is irrefutable proof that MSM is trying to turn its impressionable young readers into lesbians. Would featuring rugged RNC heartthrobs like Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney on the pages of Teen People violate their editorial policy?
If you weren't so weighed down with all that homework, you'd definitely be a groupie for:
A. John Mayer
B. Christina Aguilera
C. Avril Lavigne
Under your winter-formal dress you'll be sporting:D. Marabou trimmed chastity belt with mother-of-pearl inlay.
A. Bare legs
B. Black lace stockings
C. Shredded purple fishnets
They really ratchet up the mealy-mouthed PC euphemisms with the answer key:
WHAT'S YOUR BEAUTY PERSONALITY?If by "fresh-faced" they mean a dyke who's running on diesel, by "dramatic" they mean a male-to-female pre-op transsexual, and by "punk" they mean streetwalker, I suppose. They then go on to recommend mascaras based on these spurious diagnoses. I fervently pray that my fellow Christian womenfolk Phyllis Schlafly and Star Parker learn about this outrage, because this is the same kind of unhindered psychological testing that provoked their wrath earlier.
If you picked mostly:
A's, you're fresh-faced
B's, you're dramatic
C's, you're punk
And for the record, Sister Nancy Beth heartily endorses Maybelline's Great Lash for today's Christian teen, as it's affordable, and its washable formula makes for maximum facial streaking during moments of penitence. I've come to regard the curved applicator brush as the Arc of the Covenant, possibly the equivalent of the Presidential Medal of Freedom when it comes to faith-based cosmetics.