Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Monday, April 30, 2007

One step forward...

Travel on, rider

Just when it seems that President Bush is making impressive strides in bringing the great ungroomed of the Muslim world to Christ through cosmetology, my Prayer Warriors at Little Green Footballs alert me to this stinging setback:
Iranian police have warned barbers against offering Western-style hair cuts or plucking the eyebrows of their male customers, Iranian media said Sunday.

The report by a reformist daily, later confirmed by an Iranian news agency, appeared to be another sign of authorities cracking down on clothing and other fashion deemed to be against Islamic values. ...

The student news agency ISNA quoted a police statement as saying: "In an official order to barbershops, they have been warned to avoid using Western hair styles and doing men's eyebrows."
This is the grossest violation of human rights since Iran forced its Jews to start wearing yellow stars! Choosing one's hairstyle is perhaps the most personal expression of Our Christian Faith that we can undertake, and the suppression of this Sacramental act calls into the question the very possibility of a democratized Middle East that sells us oil on favorable terms.

Liberals, naturally, are silent on this matter, as they typically are when the barbaric nature of Islam impinges on the religious liberties of Christians, which leads me to one conclusion: The Left is going to impose hairdo sharia here in America. While there have been ample reasons for bombing Iran in the past, this alarming development shows us that Freedom's survival is in its eleventh hour, and that immediate and decisive action is of the utmost necessity. Praise Him!


Thursday, April 26, 2007

How the West was lost

I extend my heartiest thanks to Prayer Warriors Human Events, who have once again exposed the treacheries of The Left with their characteristic insight and trenchancy. Naomi Wolf, a feminist still angry that nobody asked her to the prom, slapped together this nonsense about how Our President is laying the foundation of a "fascist" state here in America, a premise which defies all known scholarship on the matter, since only Democrats like Hitler and Bill Clinton have ever created anything that even approximates fascism. Our intrepid Human Events correspondent, Katie O'Malley, astutely refutes all "Ms" Wolf's talking points, and I feel compelled, in the defense of Freedom, to bolster her arguments further. Prepare to have your blood boil!
1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy: Gosh, where to start! We have George Bush, Karl Rove, global warming, Christians and anyone with an R on their voter registration card. Moveon.org and company exist by invoking these scary, scary boogeymen. Entire political careers depend on vilifying these “enemies”. Would Al Gore even be seen in public anymore if not for the external enemy of global warming?
Personally, I've lost count of the many countries Al Gore & MoveOn.org have advocated we invade on account of their wasteful recycling programs. But I bet it's a lot. And as we see, the Left's prison camps are full of Christians who've been rendered to "black sites" operated by hostile foreign entities like UCLA and Columbia University:
2. Create a gulag: ... The gulags of the left? Visit any college campus in America, with few exceptions, and you will find out what happens to those who fail to fall in line with Ivory Tower liberal think. And the food? Yikes.
Take my word for it, it's even worse in America's beauty schools, where radical Marxists "deconstruct" the Judeo-Christian foundations of hairdressing upon which Western Civilization was founded as a sacrifice to their false god, Multiculturalism. Anyone who dares to question their PC orthodoxy is quickly labelled a troublemaker and drummed out. I'm only grateful to have made it out still alive. Oh, and the only place to go to lunch in a quarter-mile radius was Sizzler.
3. Develop a thug caste. This one is too easy and thus I will go for brevity. Hollywood and the mainstream media. No need to say more.
Indeed, what's left to say? The refusal of Hollywood celebrities to endorse conservative causes remains one of the greatest human rights abuses witnessed in the modern day, but Amnesty International won't breathe a word about it because they're staffed by tonton macoutes like Rosie O'Donnell and Sean Penn... who, if my sources have it right, are the same people who drove around at night stealing Stanley Kurtz's Bush/Cheney yard signs.
7. Target key individuals: Is anyone struggling with the left’s use of this one? If you are, you need to be more rehabilitative care than I can muster. Rush Limbaugh, George W. Bush, Karl Rove, Trent Lott, Alberto Gonzales, Clarence Thomas, the list is too ridiculously long to continue.
Martyrs, every last one -- Christ on His cross should have known this sort of Agony. Future generations of Christians will look upon the Persecution they suffered by The Left and ask, "Where were the Christians? Why did no one come to their aid when liberal bloggers held their constant misstatements to the factual record and found them lacking?" If I haven't been beheaded by Sheryl Crow, I'll explain how we all lived through the darkest period known to mankind and were in mortal danger even by uttering a single word in their defense, lest liberal trolls do the same to us:
4. Set up an internal surveillance system: I suppose Naomi is so used to being in the protected liberal enclaves of the media and academia she is unaware of how the left uses the internet to survey and disrupt conservative content and communication ... Liberal trolls routinely scan the vast free speech platform that is the internet, looking for ways to hamper, shut down or disrupt conservative thought.
Christians, I could go on, but the writing is clearly on the wall: Unless President Bush can fortify Our Nation against the further predations of The Left, Al Gore is going imprison Rush Limbaugh in a 4-year university. Please prevent this nightmarish scenario from coming true by helping Our President turn America into the police state the Founding Fathers envisioned. Praise Him!

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Gone with the windbag

Sorry for the gap in posting, Christians. Jesus' mother, Mary, was visiting from Texas for the past 5 days, so there was a frenetic burst of scouring every flat surface in our apartment followed by a dizzying whirlwind of protesting our local attractions. While much has happened since I've last checked in with my Prayer Warriors, I am happy to find further proof that The Surge is working. Rosie O'Donnell, spiritual leader of the Supreme Council for Islezbofascist Revolution in America, has finally been removed from her spider hole at ABC:
Rosie O'Donnell's stormy tenure on "The View" will be a short one. The opinionated host was unable to agree on a contract with ABC, and she'll leave the show in June.

"My needs for the future just didn't dovetail with what ABC was able to offer me," O'Donnell said in a statement Wednesday.
Ha, a likely story!There's no lie too fantastic that MSM won't tell to protect one of their own. A more credible explanation is that the Wrath we Christians have brought against Ayatollah O'Donnell for her repeated fatwas against Freedom has Hollywood quaking in its unisex Birkenstocks. Prayer Warrior Newsmax continues:
Statements by public figures are being watched more closely in the post-Don Imus era. The lobbying group Focus on the Family said it was preparing to contact advertisers on "The View" as part of a campaign against O'Donnell. The group is angry at O'Donnell for comments they feel were insulting to Catholics.
First Disney, then Ford Motor Company -- is there no corporate Goliath that our Army of Davids cannot slay? And while we Christian soldiers certainly deserve a rest after this latest battle in the culture war, it looks like we can expect another redeployment soon. Onward, and Praise Him!

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Travels with Nancy Beth: In search of America!

It seems I can't leave town for a couple of days without Western society threatening to collapse. Jesus and I spent the early part of the week protesting the many outrages of Ojai (more on that later), and when I return, it seems that scenes of carnage foretold in Prophesy are playing out in national events. Exhibit A: cosmetics for men
Hey, men: Don't be surprised if very soon your toiletry kit contains not only shaving cream, deodorant and toothpaste, but concealer, oil-absorbing face powder and brow gel.

That's because guys are relying on an increasing number of made-for-men products like these to put their best face forward.

"I think men are much more receptive to the whole grooming concept from start to finish. Makeup is sort of the final frontier," says Wendy Lewis, a beauty consultant and author of "The Beauty Battle: An Insider's Guide to Wrinkle Rescue and Cosmetic Perfection from Head to Toe." "They’re certainly concerned about camouflaging imperfections. The idea of a little light dusting of powder is no longer an extreme measure."
What makes this story even more infuriating is its blasé disregard for one of the central tenets of Christianity. God gave the fallen daughters of Eve makeup so that we could atone for her and Adam's expulsion from the Garden. So long as the women of America spend two or more hours a day getting tarted up, read The Bible regularly, and Faithfully vote Republican, Our Father offers us the possibility that we can be restored to an immaculate state of Grace. Men applying makeup turns the notion of Biblical morality on its head. It's like having some scallop teach men how to speak Hebrew -- disgraceful.

There are also , of course, the greater implications for National Security. Male cosmetics are yet another means of feminizing Our Nation's menfolk into the docile lapdogs of The Left. It's what's keeping our previously virile men from expressing their manhood by charging psychopaths brandishing semiautomatic firearms. What's next, the widespread use of male pantyshields to coincide with our withdrawal from Iraq? Not if I have any say in the matter!
As for Ojai, it's an "artists' community" in Ventura County, which should set off plenty of alarm bells for you Freedom-lovers out there. I would have had photographic evidence documenting the many Outrages I came across, but the rechargeable batteries those environmentalists are so keen on managed to go dry despite 15 hours in the charger -- if this is a hint of the promise "renewable" energy holds for Our Nation, then God help us all, it's the end of photoblogging as we know it.

Anyway, Ojai sells itself as the inspiration for Shangri-La, one of the many failed Marxist utopian states that liberals have tried to create in the hopes of destroying Christianity and furthering World Communism. Despite this hostility to capitalism, it has a large number of art galleries, which seem to provide these hippies with their bread & butter. Jesus & I didn't see any milk chocolate replicas of His genitalia, but we only protested a couple of galleries before realizing that the transfigurative power of Art was nowhere to be found here: There were absolutely no works that insulted Islam in a 100 mile radius.

The biggest Outrage of my trip was discovering that this tranquil little burg is really the staging ground of -- are you ready for this? -- the Reconquista! We dined at Antonio's, a Mexican restaurant established, according to its menu, in 1967. Evidently in the intervening 40 years, their wait staff hasn't bothered to learn English, as the paper placemats had translations of how to order tacos and request a glass of water. I expressed my displeasure to our waitress and told her there was one phrase they seem to have omitted: "I will not submit." I probably should have waited until after she had serverd our food to tell her this, because I left with swollen tastebuds, a classic sign that my margarita had been laced with polonium-210. But, like most conservative bloggers, I stare down death on a daily basis, and it will take a lot more than that to put me under. Praise Him!


Saturday, April 14, 2007

the latest additions to the no-fly list

Still at large?

The figleaf behind which The Left hides its intense hatred for America is the "rationale" that the American occupation of Iraq is radicalizing those Muslims who would otherwise be happy living in their backwards countries, wearing bathrobes out it public, and practicing their false religion. All this talk about the "Religion" "of" "Peace" is just so much smoke they blow to obscure the one fact they'd prefer you not find out until it's too late: The Left's hyperbolic rhetoric is creating an army of terrorists here at home. Consider the recent attack against Vice President Cheney, who by the Grace of Our Heavenly Father has survived yet another attempt on his life:
Air Force Two carrying Vice President Dick Cheney struck a bird as the plane neared O'Hare International Airport on Friday.

The aircraft landed safely. Mechanics checked the plane while Cheney spoke at the Heritage Foundation's annual leadership conference, but the incident did not delay his departure from the airport to return to Washington.

"A bird hit the right engine of the plane upon landing," said Megan McGinn, a spokeswoman for Cheney. "He was told after he delivered his remarks."
It's abundantly clear the Tourette's-like stream of invective that environmentalists (and their allies in the MSM and the liberal blogosphere) direct at the Bush Administration is what incited this bird to commit this suicide attack. The real question is: How many more are waiting in the wings? As long as liberals are allowed to spew their deadly propaganda under some First Amendment loophole, Our Nation must expect terrorist offensives of this sort.

President Bush thought by fighting them over there, we wouldn't be fighting them over here. And while I remain a true believer in all the other justifications he's given for the Iraq war, this incident shows how tragically wrong he was on that count. But as the success of the surge shows, it's never too late for Our President to take some of his Bold and Decisive Action® in the Global War on Terror. Let's hope he still has the political capital to enact security measures commensurate with the threat liberals pose, for Freedom's sake. Praise Him!

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Good news club

While I always welcome the opportunity to Witness for the persecution we Christians in America routinely face, I wouldn't dream of passing up the opportunity to spread some Good News. I, like most of you, have long puzzled over how to best respond to the endless liberal bleating over global warming. After undertaking an exhaustive review of the scientific evidence presented by the expert climatologists at Human Events, I've determined that (1) global warming isn't happening, and (2) this global warming that isn't happening is caused by increased solar activity, which may or may not be happening either... I can't tell. But that comes from looking at the glass as half-empty. Thanks to my Prayer Warriors OneNewsNow, I am happy to share the up side of rapid climate change -- it signals the coming of The Rapture!
Here's what happened. When God threw Adam and Eve out of the garden after their sin, the earth was also cursed with a curse. (Read it in Genesis 3:17-19.) The ground, the earth was cursed because of the corruption of sin that was placed upon it by Adam and Eve.

Now, all of creation is groaning for the redemption that is to come with the coming again of Jesus Christ to the earth to set all things right!

That's the Bible answer to what's happening with the crazy weather, earthquakes, tsunamis, et al. It's the creation crying out for God the Father to set all things right, just like He promised in Ezekiel, Daniel, Revelation, Matthew and other places in His Word that He would!
Glory! That certainly explains why liberals are so keen on stopping global warming: because they hate Jesus! Try as they might, they can't put off the final reckoning for long. And when that day comes, I plan to drive my Escalade to that wonderful Exxon station in the sky. Praise Him!

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The silent holocaust

He's got your eyes.

Sister Nancy Beth doffs her habit to Idaho, who joins the growing number of states trying to turn their happy go-lucky tramps into unhappy single mothers. The strategy for doing so is making them view ultrasound pictures of the fruits of their harlotry:
Idaho recently became the ninth state to order doctors to provide abortion-minded women ultrasound images of their preborn child before having the procedure.

The state law, signed by Gov. Butch Otter on March 27, ensures that women have access to as much information about their preborn baby as possible. Experts say providing women with an ultrasound image of their child makes following through with an abortion much less likely.

Bryan Fischer, executive director of the Idaho Values Alliance, explained that the mandate is an amendment to the state’s parental-consent law.

“We think that’s very important medical information for every woman to have in that situation," he said. "Fortunately, our Legislature agreed, and the governor signed it into law.”
It also gives them a sense of the Majesty of the Almighty. Nothing fills teen skanks with Awe for the Glory of Creation like snapshots of their innards. If you really want to turn them into true Christian Patriots, you should show them some footage of Ronald Reagan's colonoscopy while you're at it.

As much as I support this step, I'm afraid it really doesn't go far enough to stop the slaughter of millions of pre-born Americans. Every day, untold numbers of our potential fellow citizens are snuffed out Kleenexes in the wanton act of male masturbation. Liberals and their affiliated pervert interest groups claim that this behavior is protected under the "right" to "privacy." But when you consider the literal ground we are losing to the rabbit-like fertility of illegal immigrants, Muslims, and Mary Cheney, it's time for National Security to trump "civil liberties" for once.

The solution is simple: Every male who is considering masturbating will be required to view magnified images of spermatozoa at a local clinic, while the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's God Bless America plays in the background. He will be sent home with a 4-color brochure explaining the myriad health risks of masturbation (depression, cancer, chafing, calluses). If the man decides he wants to go through with the procedure, a follow-up appointment will be scheduled 24 hours later, at which point he will be provided with latex gloves and a Time-Life book on Papua New Guinea.

As oppressed as men are in Our Nation, they should not view this as further gender-based Persecution at the hand of feminists. Unfortunately, the calculus of reproduction and illegal immigration makes this a national crisis that requires immediate governmental intervention. While a woman who has chosen not to repopulate America with Americans kills just one Ovum-American per month, the average male "session" results in the wholesale slaughter of 250 million Spermatozoa-Americans. To put it in legal terms: It's one count of manslaughter versus one count of genocide.

Studies show that in one week alone, the average 14 year old can offset a year's worth of illegal immigration from the nations of El Salvador and Honduras combined. Please choose Life while keeping America strong by making Our Nation's men informed of the precious cargo inside them. Future generations will thank all of us. Praise Him!

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Monday, April 09, 2007

Further Stations of the Cross

Apparently I was too focused on my own Persecution here at the Beauty Palace to see that The Left has subjected America's Christians to Nero-like onslaughts of religious oppression this Easter season. Question the veracity of The Bible? Check! Sell Darwinism from the cover of Newsweek? Check! Craft Our Savior's dingus out of creamy milk chocolate? Check! It is only through His Heavenly Grace that Faith in America was able to survive these dark times. Before we put these memories away and gear up for the War On Christmas (I'm expecting the opening salvo any day now), Prayer Warriors World Net Daily give us the chance to luxuriate in one final insult. Stillwater NewsPress, perhaps the most tireless piston in MSM's relentless motor, has declared jihad against the people of Oklahoma by running a story about local Muslim outreach efforts -- and on Easter Sunday!
Easter – the most joyous and important holiday in the Christian calendar.

But there was no mention of it on the front page of an Oklahoma newspaper in a town served by more than 70 churches.

Instead, page 1 of the Stillwater NewsPress was dominated yesterday by a story about efforts to battle anti-Islam bigotry by the Muslim Student Association of Oklahoma State University.

"You wouldn't have known it was Easter at all according to the paper if it wasn't for the full page Hobby Lobby ad situated toward the back of the paper," one unhappy reader told WND.
Dear steadfast Hobby Lobby, you stand alone in safeguarding the people of Stillwater, Oklahoma, from the marauding hordes of Islezbofascism. May the victory wreaths we lay in remembrance upon the graves of our brave culture warriors be adorned with your realistic wax fruit. Wolverines!

Even though it exceeds my due diligence as a conservative blogger, I read the offending article with equal parts terror and rage. It spouts off plenty of the usual liberal pabulum on their beloved "religion" "of" "peace," but conveniently omits any references to the violent threats habitually made against Our Nation at terrorist websites like DemocraticUnderground.com or CNN (no links - you can find those cesspools on your own). This is propaganda of the most pernicious sort, and it makes me question whether or not our Founding Fathers had dreck like this in mind when they wrote the First Amendment. On Easter Sunday, Oklahoma's newspapers should be filled with Inspirational stories about how Jesus rose from the dead to sign the Declaration of Independence, not Al Qaeda talking points. After all, they've suffered enough at the hands of Muslims. Praise Him!

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Friday, April 06, 2007

Dems behaving badly

The only way she could have disgraced America any more than she did.

The Republican Party has been rightly described as the Daddy Party*. We look to them to shelter us from the evil-doing of terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda and the Democratic Party, and I thank Our Heavenly Father every day that feminists and homosexuals haven't thoroughly emasculated America just yet -- but they're certainly trying. In their role as Our Nation's protecterers, these father figures have learned that it sometimes becomes necessary to put an insolent wench across their knees and give the bitch a good paddling:
Vice President Dick Cheney accused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi Thursday of "bad behavior" on her Middle East trip, saying she bungled a message for Syria's president that was later clarified by Israel.

Cheney harshly criticized Pelosi's visit to Syria this week and declared in an interview, "The president is the one who conducts foreign policy, not the speaker of the House."
It's particularly galling when you consider how Our President's foreign policy has brought such unprecedent peace and stability to the Middle East, as well as exponentially increasing American prestige around the world. If Ayatollah Pelosi is allowed to to run amok in the world of foreign affairs, she'll be sending the world that America will resort to the defeatist tactics of diplomacy to solve international problems, a sure sign of weakness if I've ever seen one.

Perhaps the most curious thing about this whole affair is how Pelosi treated her sortie against Freedom like a child's game of "telephone":
While in Damascus Wednesday, Pelosi announced she had told Syrian President Bashar al-Assad that Israel was prepared to negotiate with Syria. That prompted Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert's office to underline the Jewish state's preconditions for such talks -- including that Syria abandon its "support for terrorist groups."

Cheney, pointing to the Israeli reaction, said it was obvious Olmert had not authorized the message Pelosi delivered. ...

Pelosi's spokesman, Brendan Daly, asked to respond to Cheney's criticism, said the speaker accurately relayed the message from Olmert to Assad.
It's a good thing Olmert stepped up to discredit this harpy, or he may have found himself stricken with the uncontrollable urge to spend more time with his family. Praise Him!

*Particularly when your dad is an impotent drunk.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I was a teenage Barbra Streisand

Liberals love to feign revulsion when terrorists exploit children as packmules for their explosives in the Middle East. The sad truth of the matter, though, is that these traitors are guilty of practically the same thing here in America. I extend my deepest thanks to Prayer warriors Citizenlink, who inform us that radical homosexual activists are regularly sneaking dynamite of a different sort into the offices of Our Nation's lawmakers:
Young People Lobby in Favor of Homosexual Issues

from staff reports

State capitols are the target.

Gay-activist groups are recruiting kids to be the new face of their lobbying campaigns in state houses around the country.

In many state capitols, self-identified gay young people are already working to influence legislators.
For all their bitching about Rove's "dirty tricks," liberals sure know how to land one below the belt. Barely pubescent teenagers are like kryptonite to the party of Family Values: The last time somebody dangled one of these little gamin temptresses in front of a legislator, the Republicans lost 23 seats. The thought of this playing out fifty times at the state level is more than I can bear. There ought to be a congressional inquiry into such bald-faced electoral manipulation.

What's so tragic about this situation is that these children aren't even gay -- at least not entirely, not yet:
But Dr. Bill Maier, psychologist in residence at Focus on the Family, said most of the kids are too young to state with confidence that they are gay.

“Several studies indicate that it’s not until at least the end of the teen years or the early 20s that a person really gets a handle on their sexual orientation,” he told Family News in Focus.

They are certainly confused, Maier said, and that makes them east to manipulate by gay activists.
There are many enticements that can seduce somebody into joining the homosexual lifestyle: Social networking sites, sexually explicit cartoons, and Pottery Barn catalogs are among the most common, at least in my experience. Fortunately, all is not yet lost. There are any number of ways to fortify a child's waning heterosexuality. Mothers can insist their daughters wear skirts; fathers can toss the old pigskin around with their sons or get naked and shower with them. Who's to say that these little hussies aren't really straight after all, they just haven't showered enough with their parents? A steady regimen of co-parental bathing will certainly undo any mental damage popular culture may have inflicted on them, so lather up, Christians. Praise Him!


Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Fatal beauty

Liberals' attempts at denying the Judeo-Christian roots of Western Cosmetology have had absolutely ruinous consequences for Our Nation. The Bible instructs us to Praise the Beauty of Holiness, but The Left would rather our young people praise the "beauty" of whoredom instead. If God* still had a place at our vanities as well as in our public discourse, America would be the world's Moral beacon, and things like this would be unthinkable instead of the norm (thanks, Hillary):
Two 12-year-old girls who are accused of trying to poison their teacher at a Bainbridge Island school with strawberry lip gloss have been charged with third-degree felony assault.

They appeared in Kitsap County Juvenile Court at Port Orchard yesterday afternoon and pleaded not guilty to the charges. Charging papers said the girls knew their teacher, 58-year-old Kasey Jeffers, has a severe allergy to strawberries and they put the lip gloss on her water bottle and coffee cup last week.
The sad truth of the matter is that America's public schools are preparing our children exactly for these types of lives of crime. After being taught the finer points of anal sex in their sex "education" courses and that we're no better than apes in biology, the logical next step for a generation taught to disrespect Biblical authority is abusing lip gloss in the commission of a felony.

What's even more horrifying is the prospect that The Left may use this as an opportunity to banish cosmetics from public schools altogether. First Prayer was banned, then guns, then hydrophobic t-shirts, and now make up... it's every lesbians dream come true, and a nightmare for the rest of us who see cosmetology as the ultimate expression of our Faith. Don't let public education slip further into the sewer. Call up your school board and demand that Christianity once again have a place in the curriculum. After all, the state has a fundamental obligation to provide religious instruction for your child, and it's shirked its duties long enough. Praise Him!

*The Christian God, that is.


Monday, April 02, 2007

RINO no more

Beneath this speedo dangle the stones of a Patriot!

Arnold Schwarzenegger's loyalty to Our Nation has long been suspect, but I am pleased to see that he seems to have embraced at least one of Our President's finer strategies for bold and resolute leadership: cronyism.
A string of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's appointees to state boards are facing complaints that they are unqualified, beholden to the industries they oversee or otherwise mired in conflicts of interest.

Schwarzenegger has installed longtime friends and political associates on several boards, giving rise to criticism that he is practicing cronyism while failing to adequately vet people who oversee billions of dollars' worth of economic activity and other public matters.
It's an impressive step towards restoring his conservative bona fides, but divorcing that Kennedy wench would probably go a long ways, too. Praise Him!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Voices of the martyrs

I hope you don't feel abandoned, but the Christian persecution was especially fierce late last week at Conchita's Unisex Beauty Palace. I never thought I would say this, but the dreaded remodel is now officially over as of Thursday, and as part of the grand unveiling, Chris, one of the radical homosexual hairstylists, put a placard reading "We reserve the right to make you... Fabulous!" (with fabulous printed in some rococo lettering best reserved for a Reno bordello) at his chair. Naturally I was Outraged, and after pouting quietly with my arms folded across my chest for half the day, I expressed my misgivings to Conchita about this legal abomination.

Despite liberals' professed devotion to the Bill of Rights, they are deeply ignorant of what it actually says, so I had to give Conchita a crash-course in Constitutional Law: "The Bill of Rights only grants us two significant freedoms: The right to be Christian and the right to carry firearms. All the following amendments are but faint echoes of these two, and they grow weaker the further down the list you go. I don't know where this right to fabulousness comes from, but I suspect it springs from that same penumbra that gave us the 'right' to kill your unborn children or become homosexuals. Quite frankly, I don't see why you just didn't turn this place into an abortion clinic."

The stylist in question has had it out for me ever since I let it slip to one of my coworkers that I was praying for him to leave his chosen lifestyle before he got AIDS and infected the rest of us. He managed to twist this act of Christian charity into the usual leftist claim of hydrophobia and has been an especially vehement opponent of Faith in the workplace ever since. "Check it, Tammy Faye," he said while snapping his fingers in my face, "Not everything is a slam against your stupid religion. Why don't just get over it already?" As if I'd be getting over anything anytime soon!

I summoned as much professional comportment as I could muster and informed both him and Conchita that I knew a Liberty Counsel lawsuit when I saw one, and that if the offending sign wasn't removed, I would contact Jerry Falwell personally. Conchita said I could handle it however I saw fit, as long as I wasn't making long distance calls from the company phone, and then proceeded on some irrelevant tangent about $40 worth of unexplained charges showing up on last month's phone bill. I told her to deduct it from my settlement and spent the rest of the day with an eye on the clock. I sprang out of there at 5:30.

Evidently they hadn't quite sated their appetite for Christian flesh, because Friday was just as bad. The sign is still there, but that was the least of my problems. My Friday morning dilemma is to find something suitable for the Beauty Palace as well as any happy hour protests I may be attending afterwards, and I've found my "He is Risen! Matthew 28:6" shirt and matching capris to fit the bill quite nicely. Conchita claimed "a number" of her clients have commented on the shirt, and produced a copy of the dress code saying that apparel with conspicuous lettering is not permitted. I could have sworn there was a religious exemption somewhere in there, but wasn't ready to delve into the Animal Farm-like way Conchita revised the employee manual after yesterday's bloodletting. She must have sensed my weakness (Sorry, Lord!), so I agreed to keep my jacket on so as not to remind the non-believers that they were going to Hell.

After the weekend, I'm tanned, rested & relaxed, and ready to take the worst these heathens can dish out. I also found out that the only place hiring right now that I'm qualified for is Third Degree Tanning Salon, and they pay even less than the Beauty Palace. So pray for your Sister Nancy Beth, Christians, that she might have the fortitude to slay these mighty demons. Praise Him!

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