Choke on Dick, Hippies

May Freedom's lantern light the land!

While The Left has been busy writing and rewriting Real America's obituary, Conservatism has undergone something of a renaissance, but without all that faggoty maypole dancing and scientific inquiry and stuff. A bumper crop of viable, charismatic candidates like Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, and Glenn Beck have shown that they have the policy chops to run Our Nation. But the best news is that there's a movement afoot to draft the finest statesman ever to serve in America's Golden Age, Dick Cheney:

Dick Cheney in 2012? One new political group, led by a prominent former Log Cabin Republican, thinks it could -- and should -- happen.

Despite the former vice-president's low approval ratings among the American public, the organizers of Draft Cheney 2012 believe he's the right man to take on President Barack Obama in the next election -- and, they say, he may be the only person left in the Republican Party who has what it takes to run the country.

Glory! Not only could he reinstill a healthy respect for the Rule of Law by pardoning himself from war crimes charges, but he could also shoot the many critics of future Vice President Palin in the face. Christians, we can only Pray that Dick Cheney will be the one to liberate us from the caliphate of Barack Hussein Obama and usher us into a renewed era of Freedom. Praise Him!

shepherding His flock

Nothing rends the Sacred heart of baby Jesus like watching His young followers abandon their Faith and become Democrats, except maybe the continued presence of David Letterman on CBS. The snuffing out of each of these tiny candles will lead Our Nation into a spiritual darkness, and we risk being led like moths to the lights of false prophets like Barack Hussein Obama and Joy Behar. Prayer Warriors WorldNetDaily shine a little Light of their own on this phenomenon, and the factors in why young people leave church are surprisingly counterintuitive:

Ken Ham, known for his Answers in Genesis creation-science ministry, says a major study he commissioned by a respected researcher unveils for the first time in a scientific fashion the startling reasons behind statistics that show two-thirds of young people in evangelical churches will leave when they move into their 20s. ...

The survey found, much to Ham's surprise, a "Sunday School syndrome," indicating children who faithfully attend Bible classes in their church over the years actually are more likely to question the authority of Scripture.

"This is a brutal wake-up call for the church, showing how our programs and our approaches to Christian education are failing dismally," Ham writes in the book.

Among the survey findings, regular participants in Sunday School are more likely to:

• Leave the church
  
• Believe that the Bible is less true
  
• Defend the legality of abortion and same-sex marriage
  
• Defend premarital sex

Evidently what they learn in the Bible conflicts with what they learn elsewhere, and their Faith ultimately loses. The solution to this problem, then, is crystal-cathedral clear: Forbid premarital Bible-reading. I never read the Bible, and my Faith in The Lord is unwaivering. I get all the Spiritual instruction I need from religious elders like Pope Benedict XVI, Bill Donohue, and Mel Gibson.

Sadly, even this might not be enough to ensure our young people's Devotion to the Word. Fortunately there are plenty of other tools to keep your child true to his Christian beliefs. Ad hominem has a special place for maintaining fidelity to Christian doctrine; its Latin name shows that it is especially beloved by Our Heavenly Father. The phrase loosely translates to "Your adversary is a homosexual," and it should be employed against all those who use any of Satan's trickery to lead children from the path of Righteousness, be it evolution, sex education, or algebra. Denial is also a powerful weapon of the Spirit, one that has gotten me through many of my own personal crises, as well as the one that guided Our Nation through its greatest era. With parenting strategies like these, there's no reason your children won't grow up to be a lifelong Christian and a leader in the conservative movement. Praise Him!

Change Sister Nancy Beth can believe in

One of the most infuriating lies to gain traction in the Liberal Media is that our present economic "troubles" are the fault of Our President's being the Greatest President Ever(!!!), and that if only He had somehow figured out a better way of presidenting -- as if that's even humanly possible -- all those dusky-tinted people wouldn't have defaulted on their home loans and Nancy Pelosi wouldn't have made Hank Paulson buy her $700 billion worth of expensive assets for the chance of getting some of that sweet, sweet pussy of hers.

Sadly, the elephant in the living room no one wants to address is the primary role radical homosexual activists have played in the economic downturn. Ever since the passage of Proposition 8, militant homosexuals have had at least three people shitcanned for affirming Our Heavenly King's commandment that homos not file joint tax returns, an Outrage of the highest order, even if these people are Mormons. But take heart, my fellow Christians, because the Moral order of the universe has been righted and people are now being fired for supporting gay marriage instead of opposing it. Hallelujah!

Richard Cizik resigned Wednesday night as vice president for governmental affairs of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) during a week of growing uproar over his comments that he is shifting his views on same-sex unions.

"Although he has subsequently expressed regret, apologized, and affirmed our values, there is a loss of trust in his credibility as a spokesperson among leaders and constituencies," Leith Anderson, president of the NAE wrote to board members today.

And it won't just be Mr. Cizik in the unemployment lines. Thanks to the principled leadership of the Senate Republicans, all those gay autoworkers will be free to spend their days watching HGTV rather than sapping America's economic vitality with their overpriced "domestic" "partner" benefits. Victories like this, along with recent Republican victories, tell me only one thing: that America's pendulum is swinging back to the right, and that happy days are here again. Praise Him!

More like this, please

The Left has been working overtime to discredit Conservatism, even going so far as to claim that Our President's bold and decisive leadership "killed the Republican brand." Their propaganda has been so effective that we're looking at the strong probability our next president will either be an angry, America-hating Black Panther or the lezbo who ran their legal defense. But leave it to MSM to only tell you half the story. There are some places where conservatism is still in its ascendancy -- like Iran:

Conservatives win Iran election

Conservative candidates in Iran's general election have kept control of parliament, in line with expectations.

They did particularly well in the capital, Tehran, which is seen as the key to parliamentary power.

This is excellent news for conservatives! Iran has been a steadfast spiritual ally in The Global War on Dick-sucking, and with this vote, they're one step closer to coming to theirs senses and actually bombing themselves. So sorry, liberal media, you can spin the present Republican setbacks all you want, but this just proves that old adage that when one door closes, another gets napalmed open. Praise Him!

Wolverines!

From the Department of Accordance With Prophesy, Pat Robertson predicts that the Heathen Chinee will finally have their come-to-Jesus moment:

"What I'm praying about is China. I'm asking for 250 million in China. We haven't had that breakthrough yet but I think we're going to get it. God's going to give us China. And China will be the largest Christian nation on the face of the earth. They're going to come to Jesus."

Compare this with the equally inspired Word of God, Red Dawn:

Jed Eckert: ...Well, who *is* on our side?
Col. Andy Tanner: Six hundred million screaming Chinamen.
Darryl Bates: Last I heard, there were a billion screaming Chinamen.
Col. Andy Tanner: There *were*.

Glory! If Brother Pat predicts the armed invasion of America by a bunch of grubby Mezken commies, I'm petitioning the Pope for the beatification of Patrick Swayze. Praise Him!

It feels so good to make a difference

Christians, I have wonderful news to pass along! Those of you looking to see Compassionate Conservatism in action are in for a real treat. It seems that America, under the brilliant leadership of Our President, has turned a favorite proverb about self-reliance into reality: Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime; give him worms and he doesn't even have to stop by the bait shop:

As many as 23 percent of inner city African Americans are infected with roundworm, according to a new article published in the journal PLoS Neglected Tropical Diseases.

Large numbers of the poorest Americans living in the United States are suffering from some of the same parasitic infections that affect the poor in Africa, Asia, and Latin America, according to the the editor-in-chief of the peer-reviewed journal.

Professor Peter Hotez of George Washington University and the Sabin Vaccine Institute said roundworms, threadworms and tapeworms are more common than believed and often under-reported because the tropical parasites infect poor children living in inner cities and rural America.

On behalf of those who advocated this tough-love approach to social services, all I can say is "You're welcome." Praise Him!

I smell Leadership

My Prayer Warriors have expressed their doubts about the fitness of Mike Huckabee to lead Our Christian Nation, and I can understand their uncertainty. His diabolical plot to impose World Communism could have put him on more t-shirts in Berkeley than Che Guevara, and had he been more on the ball, he could have bashed Valerie Plame for all that bad intelligence she put in the NIE in between games of computer solitaire at her desk. All those doubts can be cast aside, though, when you take into account the deeply Christian worldview that informs his dealings with those disgusting faggots:

GOP presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee said Sunday he won't run from his statement 15 years ago that AIDS patients should have been isolated.

Huckabee acknowledged the prevailing scientific view then, and since, that the virus that causes AIDS is not spread through casual contact, but said that was not certain. He cited revelations in 1991 that a dentist had infected a patient in an extraordinary case that highlighted the risk of infection through contact with blood or bodily fluids.

"I still believe this today," he said in a broadcast interview, that "we were acting more out of political correctness" in responding to the AIDS crisis. "I don't run from it, I don't recant it," he said of his position in 1992. Yet he said he would state his view differently in retrospect.

A very sensible stance. Not only is HIV spread through casual contact, but so is homosexuality. Had it not been permitted to spread like wildfire for the past 20 years, Rosie O'Donnell would be a happily married gym teacher and the late 90's boy-band resurgence would never have happened.

Obviously he's being mau-maued by radical homosexual activists with their usual cries of hydrophobia, so Mr. Huckabee has taken the high road and classily apologized to them for the fact that they have to be so gay and stupid:

In an interview on "Fox News Sunday," the former Arkansas governor denied those words were a call to quarantine the AIDS population, although he did not explain how else isolation would be achieved. "I didn't say we should quarantine," he said. The idea was not to "lock people up."

Huckabee stated his 1992 positions in an AP questionnaire in which he also called homosexuality "an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle."

And there you have it. I haven't decided which candidate I am going to endorse (I keep hoping they'll exhume Reagan's corpse & enter him in time for the California primary), but Mr. Huckabee is showing himself to be a worthy heir to the Republican throne. Praise Him!

Like a phoenix from the ashes...

In order to further their evil plot of giving Americans E. Coli, whistling at white chicks with impunity, and keeping Michelle Malkin from getting a choice parking spot at 7-Eleven, illegal immigrants have had to effectively neuter the Republican Party. This is seen to greatest effect here in California, where liberal Hollywood celebrities employ these terroristas as "poolboys" at their palatial estates, resulting in a hybrid species of moonbat that combines the worst of traits of Barbra Streisand and Antonio Banderas. While The Left's army of libtard fruit-vending celebutante lovechildren may have reduced the GOP to a permanent electoral underclass here in the Golden State, it's important to keep in mind that El Hombre can't bust our music:

Thirteen years after a ballot measure against illegal immigration fractured the state Republican Party, the issue again is front and center in California's upcoming presidential primary.

Moderates who have argued that an unyielding stance against illegal immigration would further erode the party's strength in this increasing polyglot state have effectively been silenced by GOP forces calling for a hard-line crackdown. ...

"There is more unity among Republicans in this state on illegal immigration than on anything else, including taxes," said Tom Hudson, chairman of the Republican Party in Placer County, near Sacramento, one of the most conservative counties in the state.

I predict the mighty sight that our united front of resistance presents will shock & awe Latinos into submission, resulting in an invigorated Republican Party that sweeps the 2008 elections, builds the new Berlin Wall, and sends all the Democrats back to Mexico where they belong. Praise Him!

Move over, Lourdes

The last 50 years have shown that The Left will use the pettiest grievances imaginable if it helps further their America-hating agenda of "civil liberties," "human rights," and "environmental stewardship." To the untrained ear, these all sound pleasant enough, but just beneath the surface lurks their true intent: Turning our Christian, capitalist republic into a lesbian collective whose economy is based entirely on macramé handicrafts. Global warming is the latest non-story to be used as a truncheon against America, with MSM even going so far as to propose that Americans should eat less red meat(!) and walk(!!) as means of reducing greenhouse gas emissions and losing weight. Evidently that this course of action will turn us all into svelte, crudité-nibbling homosexuals isn't germane to the story.

I for one am tired of all this godless communism tarted up as "science," and so is Our Heavenly Father. In defiance of those liberal do-gooders who would have you believe that driving your SUV & enjoying a double-cheeseburger goes against God's Will, the Holy Spirit made a surprise appearance at the most hallowed of our contemporary institutions: a gas station!

A mysterious, blue cloud that appeared floating for half an hour at an Ohio gas station has some wondering if an angel may have appeared.

The ethereal image was captured on security cameras Sunday at a Marathon service station in Parma, Ohio. The image is seen flipping and then sitting in the same spot.

"I actually watched it for 30 minutes, and then actually I watched it move and that is when I got freaked out," said station owner Amed Abudaaria.

WKMG-TV has posted video and a gallery of still images on its website.

It reports groups of people have traveled to the gas station after word of the unexplained event spread.

Glory! I can only pray that I Witness such a Divine sight the next time I gas up the Praisemobile! What we have here is an unequivocal declaration of God's love for fossil fuels, and probably even snack foods. The only way the Holy Ghost could have been more explicit in its meaning is if It had gone into the mini-mart and got an order of Go-Go Taquitos, but maybe It will think to that on the next visit. Thank you, come again, and praise Him!

Don't forget Poland

Because the terrorists sure haven't:

Poland’s ambassador to Iraq was wounded on Wednesday when his diplomatic convoy was hit by a series of bombs in central Baghdad, which Polish officials described as an assassination attempt.

The fact that the terrorists have to resort to attacking the lesser entities of the Coalition of the Willing shows that the surge is working and that we have turned yet another corner. Victory is clearly within grasp, lest the Defeatocrats prematurely yank the plug on this Glorious endeavor. Praise Him!

God save the queens*

While liberal media certainly won't report on any good news coming out of the war in Iraq, that certainly isn't the case for the culture war that's presently raging on here in the good old US of A. Today's survey of my Prayer Warriors shows that when we put conservative ideals into action, we get results, big time:

† Choosing heterosexuality: The backbone of the radical homosexual activists' agenda is that homosexuality is some sort of immutable trait, much like having a particular blood type or being an illegal immigrant. Well, a new study shows that after four years of reparative therapy, some former homos have opted to return to the heterosexual fold, while an even larger group have chosen to be less gay:

Results showed that 15 percent of the sample claimed to have successfully changed their sexual orientation, reporting substantial reduction in homosexual desire and addition of heterosexual attraction. These subjects were grouped as "Success: Conversion."

There were also a higher percentage of people (23 percent) who experienced satisfactory reductions in homosexual desire as they embraced the Christian discipline of chastity. This group is described as "Success: Chastity."

Sister Nancy Beth wishes these freshly minted heterosexuals a life free of bold decorator colors, a surefire temptation back into the homosexual lifestyle if ever there were any, as well as life free of bogus solicitation charges by overly vigorous law enforcement officials. It tends to happen to our most ardent heterosexuals, so they should be on guard.

† Winning the Global War on Poor People: Star Parker shows that when it comes to abolishing welfare dependence, our most potent weapon is overheated rhetoric:

Blaming poverty on liberalism and the federal government, a conservative activist on Friday said: "It is very sad what the liberals have done with their war on the poor in this country." ...

Parker said the war on poverty has really been a war waged by liberals on four fronts -- "war on the family, the war on thought, the war on tradition and a war on religion."

Indeed. And while millions of Americans have been liberated from the virtual imprisonment of The Left's welfare programs and are now savoring the fruits of capitalism, there remains one group who remains imprisoned deep within the liberals' financial gulag:

[Sheldon] Danziger added that government intervention, through Social Security and Medicare, has proved to be effective in reducing poverty among the elderly, which is at an all-time low.

Does The Left have no shame? The very soul of America depends of the ability of our elderly to freely slip into poverty unemcumbered by government handouts. Medicare and Social Security only rob them (and us) of their dignity. Until these Stalinistic attempts at social engineering are eradicated, America's claims to be a free country remain an empty promise. Praise Him!

*Welfare & otherwise.

The Grown-ups are still in charge

Like my Prayer Warriors, I, too, despair over the liberal plot to infantilize Our Nation. Instead of becoming the rugged protectors of God and Country we rely upon to defend us from internal and external enemies alike, American men have reverted back to a horny, videogame-playing adolescence. It is just a matter of time before they regress back to an embryonic state and The Left aborts them entirely, leaving America an easy target for Muslims, illegal immigrants, and homosexuals, who plan to turn this country into an open air rug bazaar/gay disco that serves taquitos at happy hour. In light of their pathological fetishization of childhood, I am glad to see that some people still place a premium on parental authority, and that Honoring Thy Father and Mother isn't only God's Law, it's America's Law, too.

Our first ray of light comes from the Mitt Romney campaign. Even though I've chided Mitt for his worship of False Christs, at least the deviant sex cult he belongs to sees the folly of sparing the rod and spoiling the child:

A spokesman for GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney slammed an earlier report from Radar Online that claimed the candidate's Utah finance committee co-chair, Robert Lichfield, who is the co-founder of an educational services group facing allegations of child abuse and fraud, was asked to resign his position at the urging of the campaign.

Romney spokesman Stephen Smith, in a Thursday email to RAW STORY, said that although Lichfield was no longer a part of the campaign, the decision was his alone.

"Robert Lichfield resigned on his own accord from the Romney campaign and is not a part of any campaign or finance activities," said Smith.

It gives me hope to know that there will always be a place for child abusers in the Romney Campaign, and hopefully, a Romney Administration. That's a Vision for America I can support -- to whom do I make my checks?

From Florida comes a dove bearing this olive branch:

An exorcism case involving an Edgewater councilwoman is over after the state attorney's office found insufficient evidence to prosecute.

Debra and Daniel Rogers were accused by their daughter of battery during an alleged effort to exorcise "the demons out of her." ...

The allegations stemmed from a June 27 incident at the family's home on S. Riverside Drive. Police said the couple physically restrained their 18-year-old daughter, Danielle, against her will while drenching her with olive oil.

This is indeed good news, but lest we get too cocky, keep this in mind: These potential martyrs were only spared the horrors of a CNN show trial because the demon that the parents beat out of their child refused sign an affidavit local law enforcement officials had prepared for it. Had it cooperated, we'd be looking at another Scooter Libby-like miscarriage of justice. -- though hopefully a presidential pardon. Praise Him!

Amin for all seasons

Dear Homos,

It looks as if you'll have to find some other tropical paradise to host your debauched circuit parties, because Uganda is now off the table for Jungle Fever:

Hundreds of people in Uganda joined rallies on Tuesday to denounce homosexuality, a practice they fear is growing in the largely conservative African state.

Homosexuality carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment in Uganda, like in most African states.

Protestors from various religious groups, including Christians, Muslims and Bahai, held signs that read "Homosexuality is crime. That's the law. Keep it." and "God loves homos, he hates homosexuality." They were in Kampala trying to urge the government to uphold the country's ban against what conservatives have called a "repugnant practice" ahead of November's Commonwealth Summit.

Given Uganda's rich Moral heritage, this denunciation of the Sinful homosexual lifestyle must especially sting. Feel the burn, ladies, and praise Him!

FDA to homos: You're still disgusting

I readily confess to having done more than my share of badmouthing the Food & Drug Administration as patsies of The Left, mostly for failing to act on my numerous requests that they classify "100% natural" styling products as Schedule 1 controlled substances on account of their Islezbotropic capabilities. Today, however, I take most of that condemnation back, as they seem to have come to their collective bureaucratic senses and have decided to protect Our Nation's Christian Heritage for a change, rather than caving in to the Outrageous demands of radical homosexual activists:

Gay men remain banned for life from donating blood, the government said Wednesday, leaving in place for now a 1983 prohibition meant to prevent the spread of HIV through transfusions.

The Food and Drug Administration reiterated its long-standing policy on its Web site Wednesday, more than a year after the Red Cross and two other blood groups criticized the policy as "medically and scientifically unwarranted."

It's needless to say I applaud this decision. Experience has taught me that the more "scientfically unwarranted" an idea is, the smaller the probability it's a liberal plot hatched in some East Coast liberal arts department with the intent of destroying Western Civilization, like evolution or geometry. This is a transparent attempt to normalize homosexuality, with the implicit message that their blood is just as valid as that of heterosexuals. If we let the nancies into the blood bank, it's just a matter of time before it's used as evidence by the proponents of "gay" "marriage" to advance their sinful agenda: If their blood serves the human body just as well as traditional blood, so their tortured logic goes, shouldn't their relationships be given the same legal footing as traditional marriage? Christians, maintaining the ban on gay blood donors may be the only chance at survival Family Values have.

I also have every confidence that this will be used to market homosexuality as something "natural" and non-threatening, rather than the menance to national security it truly is. Who wants to bet that each pint of designer label La Sangre brand homosexual blood will come packaged with a card saying "Brought to you by the Homosexual Lobby," with a mail-in card for a trial subscription to The Advocate? Already homosexuality is presented as something outre and glamorous, and gay plasma may do more to promote this deviant lifestyle than 50 seasons of Will and Grace.

Maybe I've seen too many movies where a transplanted organ imparts some traits of the donor to the recipient, but this strikes me as a common enough theme to think there must be some truth to it -- maybe Hollywood is trying to tell us something. Who's to say that homosexuality isn't really a bloodborn pathogen that, in its tertiary stages, causes its victims to cornhole one another, attend musical theater, and vote Democratic? Given the implications for national security, it's vital that any potential carriers be screened out, which makes the lax standards being espoused by Red Cross and the other minions of the Homosexual Agenda all the more terrifying:

In March 2006, the Red Cross, the international blood association AABB and America's Blood Centers proposed replacing the lifetime ban with a one-year deferral following male-to-male sexual contact. New and improved tests, which can detect HIV-positive donors within just 10 to 21 days of infection, make the lifetime ban unnecessary, the blood groups told the FDA.

In a document posted Wednesday, the FDA said it would change its policy if given data that show doing so wouldn't pose a "significant and preventable" risk to blood recipients.

Again, I support their reasoning. A year's abstinence from man-on-man sex acts hardly reduces the risk of transmission of homosexuality, particularly when other forms of homosexual activity (attending Cher farewell tours, brunch, shopping at Pottery Barn) aren't prohibited. If -- and that's a mighty big if -- we are to allow these perverts to give blood, why not require that potential donors receive certificates of heterosexuality from Exodus or other accredited ex-gay ministries, to ensure the Purity of the blood supply? I certainly don't want their gay blood, or any other of their gay bodily fluids, pumped into my body, and I doubt you do, either. Drop the FDA a note and let them know you support their embrace of sound science and sound Values. Praise Him!

Gone with the windbag

Sorry for the gap in posting, Christians. Jesus' mother, Mary, was visiting from Texas for the past 5 days, so there was a frenetic burst of scouring every flat surface in our apartment followed by a dizzying whirlwind of protesting our local attractions. While much has happened since I've last checked in with my Prayer Warriors, I am happy to find further proof that The Surge is working. Rosie O'Donnell, spiritual leader of the Supreme Council for Islezbofascist Revolution in America, has finally been removed from her spider hole at ABC:

Rosie O'Donnell's stormy tenure on "The View" will be a short one. The opinionated host was unable to agree on a contract with ABC, and she'll leave the show in June.

"My needs for the future just didn't dovetail with what ABC was able to offer me," O'Donnell said in a statement Wednesday.

Ha, a likely story!There's no lie too fantastic that MSM won't tell to protect one of their own. A more credible explanation is that the Wrath we Christians have brought against Ayatollah O'Donnell for her repeated fatwas against Freedom has Hollywood quaking in its unisex Birkenstocks. Prayer Warrior Newsmax continues:

Statements by public figures are being watched more closely in the post-Don Imus era. The lobbying group Focus on the Family said it was preparing to contact advertisers on "The View" as part of a campaign against O'Donnell. The group is angry at O'Donnell for comments they feel were insulting to Catholics.

First Disney, then Ford Motor Company -- is there no corporate Goliath that our Army of Davids cannot slay? And while we Christian soldiers certainly deserve a rest after this latest battle in the culture war, it looks like we can expect another redeployment soon. Onward, and Praise Him!