Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

America stands up for Freedom

Sister Nancy Beth salutes the convictions of those who advance the cause of Freedom in the boldest of imaginable ways: by adding me to their blog rolls. Please join me in welcoming the following Freedom Lovers to the exalted rank of Nancy-Con:Let the Eagle Soar. Praise Him!

Friday, April 28, 2006

Everyone gets a holiday... except JESUS!

While it's sheer agony for The Left to acknowledge the Christian holidays that have been on the calendar for millenia, they exult in creating secular new ones. For example, here at the Beauty Palace, we're at the tail end of something called "Staff Appreciation Week," which has been yet another opportunity for liberals to deny America's Judeo-Christian heritage.

Naturally, I'm Outraged, since Conchita nixed my proposal that we pay Our Heavenly Father a modicum of lip service by calling it Staff of Life Appreciation Week; allegedly, that sounded "too holy" (whatever the hell that means). "However," I rebutted, "without God, how would we ever have these Taiwanese transistor radios you've given us as gifts?" But my entreaties fell on deaf ears; you simply can't reason with these people.

This incident comes a little too close after her censoring the email signature I used during Holy Week ("It's your fault Jesus was murdered. Enjoy your ham."), which provoked a couple of phone calls from some of our more "progressive" vendors. Anyway, I'm sure you'll all forgive me if I develop an acute case of lactose intolerance and sit out today's ice cream social, the climax* of this week's festivities. I plan on sulking at the reception desk in a way that would make Michelle proud while I loudly rustle the pages of my latest issue of The Weekly Standard.

* You have no idea how it pains me to use this word, since my last foray on this subject was misconstrued as an invitation by every moonbat with a blog to speculate about what makes Sister Nancy Beth's ladyparts tingle (answer: JESUS! Praise Him!).

Friday random ten: Nancy in the sky with diamonds edition

It's a bit heavy on the trippy stuff this week; perhaps this is The Lord's way of letting me know that I no longer need to abstain from my beloved ceremonial frankincense now that Lent is over.

Stretched Guitars Lie Slo - Aidan Baker & Ultra Milkmaids
Diarabi - Boubacar Traoreì
King's Ogg - Lee Ranaldo
About You - ESG
Steppin Out - Michelle Shocked
Come Back Baby - Aretha Franklin
7:20 A.M. Jullandar Shere - Cornershop
Trobairitz - Fursaxa
Saint Augustine In Hell - Sting
Orange - Makoto Kawabata/Richard Youngs

Thursday, April 27, 2006

A Catholic education

The rugged good looks of Catholic League president Bill Donohue are enough to make me wish I were an altar boy. And the stamina he displays in continuously railing against the evil forces of secularism has me convinced he must be taking some sort of spiritual Viagra that allows him to maintain his Outrage all night long. Let's just hope for Christendom's sake that some moonbat pharmacist doesn't refuse to dispense this magic blue pill because it violates his "religious beliefs," because liberals, as they love pointing out, don't have any.

Only this month, our heartthrob Bill has taken to task the Green Party, Howard Dean, and The Left's War on Easter for their ceaseless attacks on God's One True Faith. The latest band of sinners to be deservingly smote by his terrible, swift sword is the University of Oregon paper Insurgent:
“The March edition of the Insurgent, a University of Oregon student newspaper, was one of the most obscene assaults on Christianity I have ever seen. To make sure that the persons I wrote to understand how vile this attack was, I sent a photocopy of the two most offensive graphics: one was a depiction of a naked Jesus on the Cross with an erection; the other, titled ‘Resurrection,’ showed a naked Jesus kissing another naked man, both sporting erections.

“The pictures are only one small part of the March edition. Indeed, the entire issue is replete with the most egregious examples of hate speech targeted at Christians. For example, there are several cartoons of Jesus—including Jesus crucified—that are so gratuitously offensive that only the most depraved would defend them. Moreover, the two opinion pieces against Catholicism are patently malicious. That all of this appeared in a student newspaper, during Lent, on the campus of a state institution, makes one wonder what is going on at the University of Oregon.

“This explosion of hate speech was a response to a decision reached by one of the Insurgent’s rivals, the Commentator, to publish the 12 Danish cartoons that recently so inflamed the Muslim world. An Insurgent editorial said that because the Commentator published depictions of Muhammad so as to ‘provoke dialogue,’ they had a right to thrash Christians as a way of provoking dialogue.
I agree with Bill. It is clearly an Outrage for Our Faith to be assaulted by The Left like this, and it marks a new low in the craven depths they'll sink to. After all, if any faith deserves this sort of mockery, it's clearly those anal sex-loving Jews who are running Hollywood. Praise Him!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

New Nancy-Cons

I've been Blessed with an abundance of visitors lately and would like to give a "shout-out" (in the parlance of America's youthful street thugs) to those responsible for helping steer all these needy souls to my Ministry. Using America's military superiority to advance the precepts of Christian cosmetology around the globe is bound to cause them to be viewed as apostates by many, if not all, on The Left, so they need all the spiritual consolation with which we can provide them -- just ask Roger L Simon. Special thanks go to newly added Nancy-Cons Acid Reflux (penned by the charmingly monikered Miss Retro Virus), Bride of Acheron (as long as the bride is a woman and this Acheron person is a man, I'm cool with it), and Swede and Czech. TBogg has finally seen The Light and is upgraded from Whore of Heresy to Nancy-Con as well.

I must admit to having been caught a little off guard by the sudden influx, so I'm going to have my own little loaves 'n' fishes moment here by whipping up my favorite Swede & Czech-themed dish: Swedish meatballs garnished with Infant Jesus of Prague (my own recipe!). Bon appetit, everybody.

Praise Him!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

3-2-1... Rapture!

Fortunately for The Left, I've been too busy protesting my chiropractor, my g.p., my orthopedic surgeon, the vet, & the VW dealer ($700 for tires & whatnot for the Praisemobile -- ouch!) to give them the Righteous Christian Thrashing they deserve. But just because I'm busy doesn't mean I'm not keeping tabs on their relentless assaults on the most Divine of The Lord's gifts to His fallen daughters of Eve: makeup, which helps us return to our lost state of Grace. Once again, it's time to update the Rapture Index to see how news stories about cosmetics can help us more precisely determine The Rapture's ETA.

Junk science used to malign makeup: Here's a surprising development -- Liberal media is consipiring with ivory tower eggheads to prevent Christian women from practicing their faith in their own cars. We'll let the always reliable CBS News explain:
Eight out of 10 crashes involve drivers who are drowsy, using a cell phone, applying makeup or otherwise distracted from the road ahead, according to a government study released Thursday that videotaped people behind the wheel. ...

Reaching for a moving object while driving increased the risk of a crash by nine times, while reading or applying makeup from behind the wheel enhanced the risk by three times. Dialing a cell phone, meanwhile, increased the risk of a crash by nearly three times, researchers found. ...

Some safety organizations cautioned that the study was among a growing body of research and worried that it might set off reactionary laws across the states.

“I urge legislators not to interpret these results as a need for new legislative initiatives. It is simply not good public policy to pass laws addressing every type of driver behavior,” said Lt. Col. Jim Champagne, chairman of the Governors Highway Safety Association.
I'm sure Hillary and her anti-Glamour feminazis are crafting some Stalinist plan to criminalize the application of cosmetics as we speak. I anxiously await Heritage Foundation's rebuttal to these hacks, for Freedom's sake. In the meantime, increase Rapture Index by 2.

Desecration of cosmetics: Har har har, nothing gives the moonbats a good laugh like mocking all that is good and Holy. They've done it again, this time by profaning cosmetics by comparing them to sinful alcoholic beverages:
Next time you're sitting at the bar sipping on a Bloody Mary, you can have lips that match your drink.

The Liptini Lounge, a new cosmetics line, features products that can be mixed to make various colors, the same way mixing different ingredients results in various cocktails.

So for those who like to get creative with their lip color, the seemingly endless possibilities of Liptini are perfect.

The line includes lipsticks, lip stains, lip pencils and lip glosses. All come in a wide range of colors, which are named after ingredients in a cocktail, such as "Grenadine" or "Cognac."

Is your favorite drink a sangria splash? To get the color with that name, start with the Banana Flip lip pencil, layer on the Bloody Mary lipstick and then add the Spritzer gloss on top.
Disgraceful, and I smell the fingerprints of binge-drinking feminists all over this one. In light of Naomi Schaefer Riley's recent OpinionJournal piece, I think we can say that any woman who wears this line of cosmetics is just begging to have her Christian Virtue compromised. Increase Rapture Index by 1.

Les Peacecreeps target fragrances: The nexus of cosmetics and firearms has been relatively unexplored, even by me, but given the reception Flowerbomb perfume received in France, it promises to be the next battlefront in The Left's Global War on Beauty:
OSLO (AFP) - Flowerbomb, a perfume sold in a bottle the shape of a hand grenade, has been withdrawn from duty free shops at Oslo airport so that extremists will not be tempted to use it as a prop.

We told the duty free operator that this kind of product was not wanted inside the airport," airport spokesman Jo Kobro told AFP.

"The current regulations prohibit products in the shape of weapons and we think that this bottle could be used to scare passengers, just like a water gun could," he said Tuesday.

The decision came after a Norwegian passenger who was carrying a bottle of the perfume in her carry-on luggage was stopped by security officials at Beauvais airport, north of Paris.
Is this part of their policy of Muslim-coddling, or just general antipathy towards Christianity? It's hard to say, but it marks another shameful entry in the history of Old Europe. And what's up with Norway, who had previously signaled their committment to Freedom by joining the Coalition of the Willing? Are they trying to placate their own growing Muslim minority? Because burying your head in the permafrost isn't the answer. Make no bones about it, Christians: This is a very ominous development. Increase Rapture Index by 3, and Praise Him!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

We now resume our normal broadcasting schedule

Sorry for the gap in service, Christians -- just the usual workplace persecution we People of Faith must suffer, if you know what I mean. Anyway, it seems The Left, in their all-consuming hatred for America, have once again foolishly decided to go chasing after their usual red herring, armor for the troops:
A Senate measure to fund the war in Iraq would chop money for troops' night vision equipment and new battle vehicles but add $230 million for a tilt-rotor aircraft that has already cost $18 billion and is still facing safety questions....To pay for the Ospreys, the Senate Appropriations Committee - guided by the Corps - cut into funding for night vision goggles, equipment for destroying mines and explosives, fire suppression systems for light armored vehicles and new vehicles that can be transported into battle inside the V-22.
Fortunately for Our Nation, true patriots see past this charade and are ignoring it. Instead, they're spilling virtual ink by the barrel in an attempt to ward off Freedom's final death-blow: the Hilton hotel chain's closure of a steakhouse that gives free meals to wounded veterans once a week. Can't the moonbats see that you won't have wounded veterans to honor if they don't suffer casualties? I guess another side effect of Bush Derangement Syndrome is the total loss of common sense. Praise Him!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The fable of O

The Left continues to tout the existence of the elusive female orgasm, despite all biological evidence to the contrary. As I have often said, if The Lord intended for us to have such things, He would have given us penises. But regardless of what the facts and common sense say, liberals continue to pursue their great white whale -- and I don't mean Michael Moore (Ha! That joke never gets old!). I've often wondered what motivates them to pursue this specious black-is-white reasoning. For the longest time, I assumed that it was merely another entitlement program created to pander to one of their key constituencies. Today I have my answer: Pure, unalloyed hatred of America. Evidently ladyquakes are the carrots moonbats are using to lead the women of Our Christian Nation over a moral cliff:
"Male-centered cultures where sexual behavior is more oriented toward procreation tend to discount the importance of sexual pleasure for women," he said.
What's so wrong with that? I'd hate to see America follow Europe's lead and fall into a state of dhimmitude because our fertile women are awaiting a visit from The Perverted Left's version of tooth fairy, rather than grunting out freshly minted Christians. I say to my fellow Americans: Stay the course. One of our more Enlightened states has enacted legislation keeping Satan's prosthetic digits out of our ladyparts, and I am delighted to read that Our President is taking steps to secure Our Nation's Virtue. Praise Him!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Cowboys & infidels

The hands-down best source for keeping tabs on the predations of radical gay activists (really, is there any other kind?) is Agape Press, whom I consult religiously. Evidently the nancies have decided that their usual mode of transportation -- finely engineered European luxury sedans -- aren't effective enough trojan horses for perverting America's Values from within. Enter their partners in slime, Ford Motor Company, who are more than eager to chauffeur us all to the Gates of Hell:
A Christian activist in California says despite what top officials with the Ford Motor Company may state about not giving money to support pro-homosexual social activities, a Ford dealership in Los Angeles is a major supporter of a homosexual rodeo organization in that city. ...

According to Hartline, IGRA events do not typically let on in their advertising that they are homosexual events -- meaning many uninformed families will attend and be subjected to open displays of sexuality.

"These gay rodeos are not necessarily marketed in a way where people will know because they don't read the gay newspapers [or] the gay press," the activist says. "So a lot of these families will think, 'Oh, it's a rodeo.' So they bring their kids to this event, thinking they're just going to another fun rodeo."

So instead of just watching bucking broncos and barrel racing, families may encounter men dressed up as women as well as "mocking" of family values, says Hartline -- and unknowing parents will be very shocked by other things they and their children will see, he adds. He calls that the "unthinking mindset" of the Ford Motor Company, that it would give corporate backing to such events in the name of diversity without even caring about the impact it will make on children and families.
Tragically for Our Nation, this sort of entrapment is not to unique to rodeos. I myself fell prey to a homosexualist scam wherein I went to a locale expecting to find an English tea room and the usual fare of scones and finger sandwiches we Christians typically associate with such a venue. Taste and Decency prevent me from describing the unspeakable crimes against nature that I actually encountered. Let's just say it had all the elements of one of those "critically lauded" HBO comedy series that liberal elites are so fond of Tivoing. But what really baffles me is why our effeminate friends would be so drawn to rodeos in the first place. What appeal could mustachioed men in tight denim possibly have for your average florist?

Tiny tears for sweet Michelle

Saints be praised, has it really been 3 months since I last gave out a virtual tissue to a Victim of The Intolerant Left? Well, it's high time to give out another, and I can't think of a more deserving recipient than Michelle Malkin. In her own words:
The anti-troops brigade at UC Santa Cruz has now called in the left-wing blogosphere's kings of hate to attack me. For what? For linking to a Students Against War press release bragging about booting military recruiters off campus and for re-posting publicly available contact info for the SAW press machine. ...

The unhinged lefty bloggers who did and said nothing to condemn the violent tactics of the UC Santa Cruz thugs are treating me like I'm the terrorist. I'm not going to bother linking. You can find their trash easily enough on any search engine. While they whine about the death threats that SAW organizers allegedly received, you should see the filth and threats against my family that their minions are sending.
Michelle is far too gracious of a blogger and a Christian to point this out, but I'd like to highlight her use of the phrase allegedly received. Rotten apples certainly don't fall far from the tree, so would anyone be remotely surprised to find out that these pampered little moonbats weren't threatening to bash their own heads in with axes? Let Sister Nancy Beth's virtual tissue dry those tears, Michelle, and rest assured in knowing that it's only a matter of time before the shock troops of The Left grow tired of unfairly savaging you and go back to harping about their usual trifling concerns, like Our President's glorious plan to Shock and Awe the mullahs of Iran into submission (a surefire winner!), or Our Nation's taking leave of something they like to call "common sense." Don't they realize the Mexicans are planning on reclaiming California in the name of Allah or something? Praise Him!

Monday, April 17, 2006


As a devoted reader of my Prayer Warriors, I'm used to watching The Left convert the institutions of America's civic life (churches, schools, libraries, etc) into mouthpieces for their anti-Christian & anti-American rhetoric. However, I had thought I had seen it all until I read how the moonbats were trying to turn those lone outposts of Christendom, beauty parlors, into recruiting zones for their sinful lifestyle:

Outside the Minnehaha County administration building here on a blustery morning, Elizabeth M. Hulscher approached anyone who came her way, asking them to sign a petition that would put the abortion ban on hold and send it to the ballot for the state's voters to consider in November. ...

Toni L. Popham, 48, grew emotional as she wondered aloud what her acquaintances near Watertown, 100 miles north of Sioux Falls, might think if she agreed to gather signatures in the beauty shop she owns. "Some of my clients may not like it," Ms. Popham said on a recent evening, tears suddenly filling her eyes. "I guess this is the time to stand up, but I don't know what people will think."

I'll tell you exactly what they'll think, young lady: That Saddam's network of social contacts in the Mount Rushmore State extends beyond Tom Daschle. 9/11 truly did change everything if the Christian women of America are going to be assaulted with Leftist propaganda at formerly safe havens like beauty parlors. If you keep this up, missy, your customers are going to be coming in wearing burkas, so get your treasonous fanny back to work. Praise Him!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Friday random ten - digital bloodbath edition

I never thought it would happen so suddenly, but in transferring my cd collection to my computer, I've managed to completely fill my extra hard drive. I'm a bit disappointed, as I see now that the possibility of having my entire collection on an iPod was nothing more than a silly pipedream sold to me by those hucksters at Apple. This unhappy development did, however, force me to get back on track with my initial plans for the iPod: transfering decent songs from otherwise crappy cds & selling those cds back to Amoeba. In order to free up some space, I decided to weed out anything longer than 30 minutes in length. So while I am a firm believer in the power of epic stoner trance-outs, I'll have to resort to ye olden method of putting the friggin' cd in the stereo to hear the lengthier tunes. A moment of silence, then, for the fallen, who will never have the chance to appear in the random Friday ten again:

82 VII 15 c. 6:35 - 7:35 PM + c. 6:37 - 6:52.30 PM NYC - LaMonte Young and Marian Zazeela
Sen - Troum
Lovely - Climax Golden Twins
Mila's Journey Inspired by a Dream - Eliane Radigue
Lassithi - The Aeolian String Ensemble
The Garden Of Brokenness - William Basinski
Fuku - Kawabata Makoto
2/2 - Andrew Chalk
We've - Christina Carter & Gown
Blue Eyes Of The March 2 - Andrew Chalk

And in the never-had-a-prayer category, there's Coil's Queen of the Circulating Library, Jonathan Coleclough's Windlass, and Henry Flynt's C Tune. Tragic.
Also never likely to end up on the iPod is my fairly sizable collection of No Wave stuff, since the the thought of changing gears from the mellower art-rock stuff I'm so fond of these days to abrasive noise while on shuffle (its usual mode) seems unfair to other members of the Eczema-Christ household. My favorite of the original No Wave ensembles remains Mars, whose studied cacophony holds a shamanic appeal for me. A close second is DNA, whose former member, Robin Crutchfield, maintains a fascinating site that I once again recently stumbled across. It even has an exciting cosmetology/Christianity tie-in via his "Great-granddaughters of the Angels of Light." Tres chic, Robin! His site also has my favorite image ever, so take a look if you have few moments to spare. Praise Him!

Peas in a pod

Or perhaps more appropriately, like felafels in a pita. Zacarias Moussaoui is unequivocal in his hatred of America:
Prosecutor Rob Spencer asked Moussaoui: "So you would be happy to see 9/11 again?"

"Every day until we get you," the 37-year-old Frenchman responded with enthusiasm.
Sadly, his co-conspirators here in the US are almost as outspoken (h/t: Amerikablog):
The widening circle of retired generals who have stepped forward to call for Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld's resignation is shaping up as an unusual outcry that could pose a significant challenge to Mr. Rumsfeld's leadership, current and former generals said on Thursday.

Maj. Gen. Charles H. Swannack Jr., who led troops on the ground in Iraq as recently as 2004 as the commander of the Army's 82nd Airborne Division, on Thursday became the fifth retired senior general in recent days to call publicly for Mr. Rumsfeld's ouster. Also Thursday, another retired Army general, Maj. Gen. John Riggs, joined in the fray.

"We need to continue to fight the global war on terror and keep it off our shores," General Swannack said in a telephone interview. "But I do not believe Secretary Rumsfeld is the right person to fight that war based on his absolute failures in managing the war against Saddam in Iraq."

Another former Army commander in Iraq, Maj. Gen. John Batiste, who led the First Infantry Division, publicly broke ranks with Mr. Rumsfeld on Wednesday. Mr. Rumsfeld long ago became a magnet for political attacks. But the current uproar is significant because Mr. Rumsfeld's critics include generals who were involved in the invasion and occupation of Iraq under the defense secretary's leadership.
What a sad day it is for Our Nation when even retired military brass clamors for another 9/11 attack. I demand an investigation into how far up Al Qaeda has infiltrated our armed forces. Disgraceful!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The great Arabian pastime

Sure, baseball used to be a venerable American institute, but The Left went to its usual lengths to tarnish its glory and ruin it for the rest of us. Tragically, it's been a slow and steady descent into America-hating ever since, as the spectacle of Mark McGwire and Jason Giambi going after each other's buttocks in a bathroom stall attests. The latest chapter in its sad decline is the booing of that great American patriot, Dick Cheney:
Greeted with loud boos and some cheers, Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the ceremonial first pitch Tuesday at the Washington Nationals' home opener. ...

New York third baseman David Wright said he was thrilled to meet Cheney and shrugged off the booing.

"When you've got 50 percent of America that's Republican, 50 percent that's Democrat, you're probably going to get mixed reviews," Wright said.
Actions like this show how out of touch Liberals are with mainstream America. If the moonbats want to engage in these sorts of childish antics while President Bush rightfully enjoys his record polling numbers, they do so at their own peril.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

How The Left lost Iraq, exhibit 4,928,502

One of The Left's most enduring triumphs is wresting art away from God and perverting it into a means of debasing His Glory. How can Our Nation hope to be a beacon of Righteousness when our cultural artifacts are little more than anti-American pornography masquerading as high-concept abstractions? And how can President Bush hope to make freedom less untidy with abominations like this sprouting up all over Iraq?
The sculpture that replaced the statue of Saddam Hussein toppled three years ago is supposed to represent freedom. But many Iraqis say it has little meaning when fear, violence and uncertainty dominate their lives.

"It has no meaning because there is no freedom," said Mohammed Ahmed, who operates a currency exchange shop nearby.

The modernist structure, with branches reaching up toward the sky and a crescent moon shape balancing a ball, sits on top of a concrete cylinder that once held a larger-than-life replica of Saddam wearing a suit, his right arm stretched out.
Naturally, the Jews & homosexuals who make up the Cultural Elite will sneer at my suggestions, but let there be now doubt about it: Until contemporary art expels its Satanic core and embraces Our Chrisitan Heritage, Freedom will remain hobbled in Iraq. I humbly propose the following crude rendering as a means of exalting The Lord's Majesty and finally vanquishing the enemies of Freedom:

Praise Him!

Monday, April 10, 2006

Study hall

Back at my Catholic high school, when my teachers ran out of gas mid-quarter, they'd borrow the VCR and show inspirational Christian fare, like Star Wars or Top Gun. I'm going to take a pointer from these spiritual mentors and have you read about how filthy The Left's favorite movie is. Let's hope tomorrow brings hearty portions of Outrage and Persecution. Praise Him!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Friday random ten - late nite edition

Well, this day got away from me. Here's what iTunes wants me & Jesus to listen to:

Whole Day Song - Flying Saucer Attack
Drama! - Erasure
Going Back To Harlan - Emmylou Harris
Bag Lady - Erykah Badu
Visiting Friends - Animal Collective
Look Into Your Heart - Aretha Franklin
Archer - Greg Davis
Eclipse - Loren Nerell
A Survey - Tortoise
The World Upside Down: Fifth Movement - Glenn Branca

I will try to do more to honor The Lord this weekend. Praise Him!

Thursday, April 06, 2006


Ho-hum, The Left is hyperventilating yet again over some alleged improprieties among Department of Homeland Security officials and their freedom-loving consorts. Here's a small sampling of their feigned indignation: "It's the child molestation, stupid," "Doesn't anyone vet these people?" & "Family values -- harrumph!" -- yawn.

Sadly, our liberal friends are too excited with playing their infantile game of "gotcha!" to see this for what it truly is: a lethal blow against Islamofascism. What you are witnessing, moonbats, is a brilliant preemptive strike on the part of President Bush's Department of Homeland Security, an idea so masterful I have every confidence President Bush came up with it himself. However, recognizing it as such would require that you traitors drop your usual shrill demagoguery and step back to take a look at the larger picture. By robbing suicide bombers of their promised heavenly virgins by deflowering them here on earth, DHS is thereby decreasing the incentive to wage jihad, and effectively paving the way for the Christianization Democratization of the entire Middle East. Could this be any more obvious?

Christians, it is essential that you fulfill your obligations as citizens of Our Great Nation and bring your comely daughters of virtue true to the nearest Homeland Security branch. Rest assured, the patriots at DHS will do the rest. Praise Him!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Let the facts speak for themselves

Liberals may love spending countless hours prattling on about their favorite bogeyman, global warming, but they refuse to acknowledge the very real and calamitous effects that their social engineering is having on our culture. For example, consider what happened recently in Massachusetts:
SPRINGFIELD, Massachusetts (AP) -- An argument at a baby shower escalated into a brawl in which one man was shot and the pregnant guest of honor was beaten with a stick, police said.

Three people were arrested after the fight, described by police as a "baby shower gone bad."

Authorities said the shooting victim, Aristotle Garcia, got into a fight with a man who is dating his ex-girlfriend. The argument, over whether the woman let their 5-year-old daughter drink beer, escalated and drew in two other people -- Jazz Rivas and Juan Velazquez, said Police Lt. Cheryl C. Claprood.
Massachusetts, you'll recall, is Ground Zero in The Left's Global War on Family. Sadly, melees like this are bound to become more commonplace so long as the moonbats remain in denial about the disastrous consequences of gay marriage. Praise Him!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

In memoriam

When The Left went after Ben Domenech, I said nothing; after all, I am not a plagiarist.
When The Left went after Jeff Goldstein, I said nothing; after all, I am not an asshole.
When The Left went after Tom Delay, I said nothing; after all, I am not a corrupt official.
When The Left went after me, there was no one left to speak out.

Will MSM report this one?

Liberals may like to bury their heads in the sand about these sorts of terrifying threats, but Saddam's & Osama's bio-warfare programs have borne their insidious fruits yet again. I should know, because Jesus and I were the targets. We've been sneezing and coughing for days, and I'm sure it's just a matter of hours before entire organ systems go into failure. I've been all over Newsmax to see how widespread Al Qaeda's latest offensive was, but since they haven't reported anything on it -- yet -- I'll assume it was a selective strike. Well, Muslims, sorry to disappoint, but unlike Jill Carroll, I'm going down with both barrels blazing!

I think Saddam's agents got me Sunday night, when I went to a show at the Roxy. Despite my fondness for music, I'm loathe to go out to see it live -- something about "rock club" whispers "toilet paper optional." But after one and a half Bloody Nancies (essentially a Bloody Mary, but with a Slim Jim instead of a celery stalk), I had my date with destiny. I'm sure Courtney Love finds their stalls a most hospitable place to shoot up, but I would have preferred some cozies. There's no doubt that's where they made their hit.

To add insult to injury, the show was morally deplorable. One of the ladies at church raved about "Hedwig & the Angry Inch", and said it would be right up my alley, since it frankly addressed the important role cosmetics played in bringing down the Berlin Wall ("If only the Gipper were alive to see this," I naively thought to myself while waiting on the sidewalk out front). I suppose I could have done some research, but after that glowing recommendation, I assumed the Angry Inch was some quaint Eastern Bloc term analogous to our Moral Majority: those who toil quietly in the hopes of freedom, but whose efforts are repeatedly marginalized by the Jews & homosexuals who control MSM.

Needless to say, yesterday was pure hell, and today isn't shaping up much better. After Sunday night's humiliation of being forced to watch every perversion known to mankind (and perhaps a few that remain uncataloged), it's become evident that the conservative culture industry needs to think about making inroads into the musical theater genre. I'd like to see Mel Gibson direct a stage version of The Passion of the Christ, with bloody eruptions that put Gallagher's watermelons to shame. Now *that's* entertainment. Praise Him!

Sunday, April 02, 2006


Saturday, April 01, 2006

Extreme makeover, moonbat edition

Nancy-Con Princess Sparkle Pony has alerted me to the latest hairdo controversy roiling Christian America:
On the March 31 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, Neal Boortz said that Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) "looks like a ghetto slut." Boortz was commenting on a March 29 incident in which McKinney allegedly struck a police officer at a Capitol Hill security checkpoint. Boortz said that McKinney's "new hair-do" makes her look "like a ghetto slut," like "an explosion at a Brillo pad factory," like "Tina Turner peeing on an electric fence," and like "a shih tzu." McKinney is the first African-American woman elected to Congress from Georgia.
Needless to say, ethnic hairdressing remains one of the last strongholds of affirmative action here in our country, so I figured it was high time Ms. McKinney bade farewell to her racially divisive ethnic locks and joined Mainstream America.

Here she is doing something typically uppity:

And here she is showing her constituents the tools she used to leave behind the Kingdom of Darkness, enter the Lord's Light, and achieve a truly Christian hairstyle:

Her new 'do comes compliments of the immaculately coiffed Debra Maggart, a Tennessee legislator who recently earned her place in heaven by stating that homosexual couples adopt children so they can molest them. Let's hope Debra's hairstyle takes, and Cynthia McKinney comports herself like a true Christian from here on out -- by cutting funding for law enforcement agencies, rather than assaulting them. Praise Him!