Deen Screem

As those of us who've ever enjoyed the deliciousness of deep fried food know, partially hydrogenated fats are the delectable taste of Freedom. This is why The Left is so determined to take them away from us, and why the First "Lady" is forever threatening to crush Our Nation's children like so many walnuts with her titanic ass for eating cookies. Initially I thought this sort of tyranny dressed up as nanny-statism was just another way of desensitizing us to the steady loss of Constitutional rights we've experienced under Barack Hussein's imperial rule, before he ships us all off to his re-education camps. But thanks to my Prayer Warriors at Fox News, I see that it's really just an assault on the culture of Real America by effete liberal elites. Look away, Dixieland!

Georgia's down-home diva Paula Deen was this week treated to an unhealthy serving of self-satisfied condescension after she admitted she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. But nowhere was the response more unsavory than on the New York food scene with its resident lothario Anthony Bourdain leading the assault. ...

From food to faith, the mythic Dixie--soulful and abundant, passionate and insubmissive--has always clashed with the rigidly cosmopolitan north, which keeps an ever watchful eye on we, her unlearned, drawling wards.

Yet the northern perspective of the South amounts to little more than a crude distillation of the most specious of stereotypes, the uncouth yang to their cultured yin. Reserving unparalleled contempt for the region's myths and manners, fundamental to northern exceptionalism is the notion of southern inadequacy.

I fully recognize this liberal contempt for the Glorious customs of the South, as I was treated to this same sort of derisive sneering and eye-rolling from the homosexuals at my former workplace whenever I brought in my patriotic three bean salad. "Oh great, I was looking for some nutritionally devoid calories," they'd hiss at me, and then titter like schoolgirls among themselves, and go back to debating the merits of foreskin, or whatever it is those people talk about.

The only conclusion I can draw from these events is that "nutrition" is another one of those liberal junk sciences like "climatology" and "chemistry" brazenly used to advance the radical homosexual agenda of physical fitness, whereby we all have taut bodies and the endurance for marathons sessions of anal sex at their Unitarian swingers retreats. So, Christians, you know exactly what to do. Every pound you gain is a victory for Jesus, so supersize it, in the name of The Lord. Praise Him!

Death on the Cafeteria Plan

Sister Nancy Beth believes the children are the future, particularly the white ones, so it fills me with Outrage that First "Lady" Michelle Obama, the affable Eva Braun of childhood nutrition, has forbidden them from ever knowing the wonders of baking cookies with their mothers, eating a hot fudge sundae, or testing their blood sugar levels eight times a day. Fortunately these tiny little Freedom Fighters have said no to breakfast at Tyranny's, as my Prayer Warriors at OneNewsNow inform us:

Since school officials decided to introduce healthier foods to the district's menu, students in the Los Angeles Unified School District have actually been eating more junk food. The Los Angeles Times reports that the attempt to encourage healthier alternatives -- such as black bean burgers, vegetarian curries, quinoa and tamales -- over chicken nuggets and corn dogs has been less than successful. Students have begun bringing their own lunches, which often consist of chips and soda.

Wolverines! Freedom is rarely free; it sometimes requires noble self-sacrifice, like consuming 4,000 calories a day. It restores my Faith in the future of Our Nation to see common sense conservative solutions like letting The Market decide in action. After all, who is better qualified to determine what to feed our children: the nanny state, or a bunch of 8 year olds (or their emotional equivalents)? I know which side I'm on. Praise Him!

Un-American Pie

If you're a Real American like me, you're probably sick of all this elitist hand-wringing over solving the so-called "problem" of epistemic closure (whatever, Frenchy!) among conservatives. The answer is quite simple, eggheads: put a spoon in their mouths so they don't swallow their tongues, and let them go back to watching Glenn Beck. Unfortunately, the weak sisters of the conservative movement who see "epistemic closure" as the shibboleth for gaining admittance to the Georgetown cocktail party circuit have no use for common-sense conservative solutions like this. Instead, The Left and their stooges on the right view it as the problematic circle jerk among the Fox News, the Republican Party, and the conservative blogosphere, which will ultimately render movement conservatism intellectually bankrupt... at least until Sarah Palin's next book. As far as I can tell, it is the only sexual act our pointy-headed intellectual superiors find objectionable, which speaks mountains about liberal hypocrisy in these matters.

What's truly unfortunate is that all this pointless chatter about intellectual honesty and standards and principles diverts attention away from the sort of blogging that really matters, like exposing the latest pastry-based Outrage the Obama thugocracy has unleashed on Our Nation:

Obama's senior adviser, David Axelrod, told Jay Leno Friday that the president was forced to "separate" from the White House pastry chef to break his bad eating habits.

"One of the things that happened when he came to the White House is they have a very great pastry chef. It became a big problem," Axelrod confided on "The Tonight Show."

The president, he said, "has a weakness for pie."

This is a bigger slap in the face than Curry-gate, Arugula-gate, Orange Juice-gate, and Waffle-gate combined. It is my understanding that where "President" Obama comes from, the native palate tends to favor things like grubworms and zebras over American dishes like pies and cakes, which begs the follow-up question, "What kind of pastries does Barack Hussein Obama like?"

The answer probably would have surpised us. Axelrod may have unconvincingly tried to weasel out of the trap he set for himself by referring to that most American of desserts, apple pie, but I suspect in the chummy world of lamestream media in which he travels, he would have shown his true colors and said that the "President" finishes each meal with a slice of Chairman Mao's red velvet cake before bowing five times toward Mecca, and sneaks down into the White House kitchen in the middle of the night for a slice of Black Power! forest cake. The ensuing clamour would see an investigation into the unsavory past of Obama's Chicago Machine-connected pastry chef and the many revolutionary cookbooks lining the walls of the pantry (e.g. Saul Alinsky's Recipes for Radicals: Fomenting Class-Based Revolution in Five Easy Courses). That Jay Leno would choose to ignore this obvious gaffe is neither surprising nor unusual. Once again, by their dereliction of duty, liberal media's talking heads have shown that it's up to the Fox News personalities to do the heavy lifting in journalism. Megyn, Bill O, take it away. Praise Him!

Currying disfavor

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish those of you who happen across this blog while looking for porn a Happy Thanksgiving, only thanks to our "president," that's something of an impossibility. In the greatest assault to the sovereignty of Our Nation since Barack Hussein Obama put mustard on a hamburger, The One has ruined this most Sacred of American holidays and set back the cause of canned yams in marshmallow glaze at least a decade, by serving the Prime Minister of India an Indian-themed State dinner two days before Thanksgiving:

The dinner takes place in a huge tent on the South Lawn, and guest will dine on Indian influenced dishes with choices for vegetarians and vegans. The menu includes a salad of arugula grown in the White House garden, potato and eggplant salad, red lentil soup with fresh cheese, and potato dumplings with tomato chutney. Entrees are a choice of chick peas and okra or green curry prawns, served with caramelized salsify, smoke collard greens and coconut aged basmati.

Outrageous! First bowing to Tojo, and now this. Is it any wonder America's friends and enemies alike are snickering behind our backs?

Christians, if there were ever any reason to put Sarah Palin in the White House, this is it. We need someone who shares our Values as well as our American tastes. In a Palin administration, First Dude Todd would be cooking up hamburgers on the grill while Mama Grizzly whipped up a sumptuous batch of her world famous moose chili. If any dot-headed foreigners balked at eating meat on "religious" grounds, she could just set them straight: "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Suck. On. That., you dirty hippies. Praise Him!

Dairy Queens

Our Heavenly Father intended for us to fill our mouths with the Glorious foostuffs of His Creation, not dicks, and as the many heated conversations I've had with the checkers at my local grocery store can attest, the line between that which is Holy and those which take Satan's guise is unequivocal. Nothing exalts the Holy Spirit more than dairy products, which is why it is especially horrifying to learn that the evildoers at Ben & Jerry's are using ice cream to promote the radical homosexual agenda:

An ice cream company is celebrating homosexual "marriage" in Vermont (see related article).

Same-gender marriage is now legal in The Green Mountain State, and Ben & Jerry's has announced that it will temporarily change its "Chubby Hubby" ice cream to "Hubby Hubby" in honor of homosexual marriage. Peter LaBarbera of Americans for Truth about Homosexuality tells OneNewsNow that companies like Ben & Jerry's neglect to talk about the dangers of the lifestyle.

"Besides the health aspects, there's also the fact that homosexual behavior is opposed by God, and that's something that we should take seriously," he contends. "All homosexual behavior is sinful, and regardless of what liberals say or what Ben & Jerry's puts on a tub of ice cream, that remains the case."

Appalling! Here I thought I could be secure in the knowledge that a steady diet of ice cream would ensure my health & well-being, but now I find out it's actually easing me on down the road of the homosexual lifestyle.

What will be the next item in your grocer's freezer to become a food of Dorothy? Already, many flavors of yogurt sport suspicious pastel hues, and Velveeta, that steady kitchen workhorse of Christian Womanhood's most celebrated casseroles, has acquired "camp" appeal. If the Sanctity of the four food groups is to be preserved, it is imperative that all comestibles of dubious sexual orientation be sent to ex-"gay" ministries for rehabilitation. Praise Him!

No such thing as a free lunch, etc.

Fight the real enemy.

As a Christian living under the despotic regime of Barack Hussein Obama, I've gotten quite a taste of what life was like for the Jews of Nazi Germany. Whether it's denying us our right to breathe polluted air or expanding health insurance coverage to shiftless layabouts, the legislative aims of this administration are just like Hitler's. And when I thought we couldn't possibly be any more Persecuted by The Left, I learn they're now robbing our children of that most precious Freedom: the right to widen their already fat asses:

When Michelle Obama and her fifth-grade partners harvested lettuce and peas in the White House garden this spring, she made a point of saying that American children are "not eating right and not moving their bodies at all," and she cited what they eat in school as part of the problem.

On just about every schoolyard, the nation's obesity problem is apparent: A fifth of U.S. children are overweight or obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. ...

One portion of the bill would give the Department of Agriculture authority to update decades-old standards for the food children buy at school stores and vending machines, as well as foods such as pizza and French fries that are sold a la carte in cafeterias.

This is an Outrage of the highest order. Without question, the intent of this bill is to indoctrinate public school children with the sinister hidden agenda of risotto, arugula, and Dijon mustard. I am referring, of course, to the unspeakable perversions of the homosexual lifestyle. After all, in the mind of The Left, why give a child a hamburger if you could give him almond biscotti and a sex change instead?

Christians, in light of the menace being served up daily on your child's cafeteria tray, it's imperative that we fight childhood nutrition programs with the same vigor we are opposing health care reform. Bring your anger, bring your airhorns, bring your firearms to those townhalls. Our failure to do so can only result in that homosexual holocaust otherwise known as endive stuffed with goat cheese and prosciutto-wrapped muskmelon served as appetizers before dinner. And would somebody please tell Sarah Palin? Praise Him!

Where is the Outrage?

Hell if I know. I spent all day yesterday looking over the news for something to get worked up over, only to come back emptyhanded. I'd blame the MSM, but even my Prayer Warriors were shooting blanks. It wasn't until I got home and talked to Jesus about the nutrition course He's taking this quarter that I felt that sweet, heady rush of Christian Persecution.

The flashpoint for the latest Outrage is the threshold establishing the recommended dietary allowance (RDA) of a particular nutrient, which is far higher than it needs to be. As Jesus' textbook* explains:

Once a nutrient requirement is established, the committee must decide what intake to recommend for everybody -- the Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA). As you can see by the distribution in Figure 1-5, the Estimated Average Requirement (shown in the figure as 45 units) is probably closest to everyone's needs. However, if people consumed exactly the average requirement of a given nutrient each day, half of the population would develop deficiencies of that nutrient -- in Figure 1-5, for example, person C would be among them. Recommendations are therefore set high enough above the Estimated Average Requirement to meet the needs of most healthy people.

Small amounts above the daily requirement do no harm, whereas amounts below the requirement may lead to health problems. When people's nutrient intakes are consistently deficient (less than the requirement), their nutrient stores decline, and over time this decline leads to poor health and deficiency symptoms. Therefore, to ensure that nutrient RDA meet the needs of as many people as possible, the RDA are set near the top end of the range of the population's estimated requirements.

It's time to ditch the PC pussyfooting and call this what it really is: Communism. Thanks to the advice of those barely reconstructed Trotskyite nutritionists, 99% of us have to bust our asses to get the recommended 45 µgs of Molybdenum, because 1% is too lazy to absorb anything less. Quite frankly, I'm tired of picking up their slack. Already my taxes are being used to heavily subsidize a failed Marxist utopia -- must my diet do the same?

Nutrition is also the latest academic hotspot for the Blame America First crowd. A cursory glance through the textbook reveals more hatred for Our Nation (cloaked as "concern" about our diets) than the comments section of your average Daily Kos entry. What's worse is its blatantly pro-terrorist slant: The Mediterranean (read: Islamic) diet is constantly lauded as superior to our Western one, even though no one can tell how slender you are under a burqa. I had check the masthead twice to make sure Ward Churchill wasn't a contributor to this vile anti-American claptrap.

Nutrition now takes its shameful place alongside English, Political Science, and Cosmetology as once great disciplines that have been hijacked by the radical academics of The Left and debased to the point of meaninglessness. If America is to have any chance of retaining her Glory, we need to reclaim our menus from those terrorists in the kitchen and return to the Traditional Values inherent in roasts, cutlets, and casseroles. Praise Him!

* The text isn't actually online, so just pretend this is figure 1-5, ok?

Eggplants of Evil

Liberals have been using the vegetable kingdom to lead us Christians out of our churches and into the waiting arms of the Occult for centuries now, even going so far as to tempt us with finding "Heaven in a wild flower." I hate to rain on your patchouli-scented parade, hippies, but the only place where you're going to find the way to Heaven is in The Bible. Given the adversarial relationship between the natural world and Our Faith, I view the following story not with the sense of vindication you might expect, but rather with utter trepidation:

Felicia Teske of Boothwyn says she was preparing fried eggplant for dinner Sunday evening and noticed that the seeds in one slice seemed to spell out the word "GOD".

Felicia says she bought the eggplant at a roadside produce stand a while back, and also says the discovery has really given her food for thought. Felicia told Action News that she recently had family members pass away and it is comforting that "GOD" appeared.

A little known fact that the MSM outfit reporting this story won't tell you is that eggplants are well-regarded accessories to the homosexual lifestyle. What meeting of radical homosexual activists would be complete without smoked Japanese eggplant & goat cheese canapés? Think about it: Have you ever seen a straight person buy an eggplant? I think not. This is clearly Satan's trickery, and countless millions of earnest Christians who read this story will be deceived into eating eggplant under the mistaken impression that it will bring them closer to our Savior, rather than being the path to Moral ruination that it truly is. Had The Lord really wanted to appear to His followers, He would have shown up in some hearty American fare like a side of beef or a 22-piece bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, not some wussified vegetarian dish. Praise Him!

Happy Birthday, America

Our Nation turns 231 years old today, and boy, does she look great for her age! Lady Liberty, what's your secret? Have you been losing weight?

"I've finally managed to shed a few of those pesky civil rights I've been trying to lose for the past 200 years."

Well, you've never looked better. From every mountain top, let Freedom ring!
****
I've got my presidential pardon all lined up, so I'm going to share with you my top secret recipe. This one has made me the toast of all the potlucks, barbecues, picnics, and family gatherings I protest, and I'm confident it will do the same for you. It's so good you'll forget to say "Grace" before you dig in, so get ready to have your taste buds tantalized with Sister Nancy Beth's Freedom Salad:

one 12 oz. can of Three Bean Salad
salt & pepper, to taste
American Flag toothpicks

Open can and empty contents into serving bowl. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, as desired. Garnish liberally (this is the only time I like that word!) with flag toothpicks. Serve and enjoy.

Have a happy Fourth, everybody, and since The Left has banned firecrackers here in California, be sure to blow something up for me. Praise Him!