Toss Those Cookies!

If there's anything that fills me with Outrage, it's how The Left has polluted the Values of Our Nation's young people. Not too long ago, America was a nation of chaste, virtuous, law-abiding Christians. Then Hillary popped her first birth control pill on her way to a Peter, Paul & Mary concert, and it's been one headlong plunge into the Moral sewer ever since. The result of this decay has been catastrophic: Homosexuals may marry and hold jobs in certain parts of the country, women defer starting families into their 40s (if ever), and uppity minorities can sass their betters with impunity. Perhaps the most devastating thing, though, is the decline support for Republicans by the post-Baby Boom generations and women of all age groups.

At the vanguard of corrupting our children is the Girl Scouts of America. Rather than teaching today's Christian ladies the finer points of embroidery and how to apply cosmetics, they've instead adopted a program of cultural jihad that reads like a chapter out of the Al Qaeda training manual, with merit badges for crushing men's testicles and being a global warming patsy. So you can imagine how Rapturously thrilled I am to learn that one of their young charges has had enough of their liberal indoctrination:

A reportedly 14-year-old Girl Scout has joined with parents and Scout alumni to call for a boycott of the widely popular Girl Scout cookies, claiming the organization is using cookie proceeds to push a radical homosexual agenda at the expense of the Scouts’ safety.

The girl, identified as Taylor from Ventura County, Calif. – but whose parents have asked her last name and troop number be withheld – made a YouTube video calling for the boycott after she was shocked to discover Girl Scouts USA, or GSUSA, has been admitting transgender boys who claim to be girls into scout troops.

After controversy arose over the potential admission of Colorado 7-year-old Bobby Montoya last month, The Girl Scouts of Colorado released a statement explaining, “We accept all girls in kindergarten through 12th grade as members. If a child identifies as a girl and the child’s family presents her as a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout.”

I'm so inspired by young Taylor's brave stand for Traditional Values that I'm going to make one of my own: Membership in the Girl Scouts should be restricted to men 45 years of age or older. This will prevent our impressionable Daughters of Eve from being exposed to the poisonous ideas that inevitably lead to a ruinous future of an apartment full of cats and a career as a gym teacher. More importantly, it will help reverse the demographic trends that threaten to lead the Republican Party to extinction. Praise Him!

Death on the Cafeteria Plan

Sister Nancy Beth believes the children are the future, particularly the white ones, so it fills me with Outrage that First "Lady" Michelle Obama, the affable Eva Braun of childhood nutrition, has forbidden them from ever knowing the wonders of baking cookies with their mothers, eating a hot fudge sundae, or testing their blood sugar levels eight times a day. Fortunately these tiny little Freedom Fighters have said no to breakfast at Tyranny's, as my Prayer Warriors at OneNewsNow inform us:

Since school officials decided to introduce healthier foods to the district's menu, students in the Los Angeles Unified School District have actually been eating more junk food. The Los Angeles Times reports that the attempt to encourage healthier alternatives -- such as black bean burgers, vegetarian curries, quinoa and tamales -- over chicken nuggets and corn dogs has been less than successful. Students have begun bringing their own lunches, which often consist of chips and soda.

Wolverines! Freedom is rarely free; it sometimes requires noble self-sacrifice, like consuming 4,000 calories a day. It restores my Faith in the future of Our Nation to see common sense conservative solutions like letting The Market decide in action. After all, who is better qualified to determine what to feed our children: the nanny state, or a bunch of 8 year olds (or their emotional equivalents)? I know which side I'm on. Praise Him!

Pretty Baby

During the halcyon days of the Bush years, I strongly advocated for using American power abroad to advance a Christian approach to Cosmetology. Doing so would vanquish the global menace of Islezbofascism, the combined threat of Glamour-averse militant Islam & the radical homosexual agenda. Rueful tears stream down my cheeks when I think of What Might Have Been, had we also invaded Iran, North Korea, and France when we had the opportunity: Not only would Our Nation be feared and respected the world over, but our fellow citizens would have a healthy Reverence for Life, Traditional Values, and the proper use of lip liner.

While The Left ridiculed Our President's bold vision as "flypaper strategy", if they had a shred of intellectual honesty, they would admit it was better to fight the terrorists over there rather than having to fight them here, as the recent surge in domestic terrorism shows. Well, libtards, thanks to your "president"'s dithering, his terrorist-coddling policies, and his fascism-loving regulation, we're now witnessing twin assaults on America's Right to Beauty and Right to Life, right here in the Homeland*:

Los Angeles County officials have placed two staff members at Olive View- UCLA Medical Center in Sylmar on paid leave after allegations that they had participated in a makeshift beauty salon atop medical equipment in the ward for high-risk newborns, according to county officials.

The county this week also opened an investigation into broader allegations that doctors, nurses and staff at the neonatal intensive care unit put babies at risk through substandard care.

The allegations were contained in two anonymous complaints received by the commission that accredits the facility.

"Nurses and doctors through the shift get their manicures, eye brows waxed and nails filed," according to a copy of one of the complaints obtained by The Times. "The smell of acetone permeates the back area of the NICU."

Some of the hospitals' infectious disease staff, who are supposed to prevent such activity, instead participated, according to the complaint, including one doctor who "had a French manicure right on the high frequency ventilator."

Death panels! This is exactly the sort of bureacratic overreach the Patriots in the Tea Party have been warning us about. Had these children been aborted late term, the state would probably insist that these butchers be treated to facials and seaweed body-wraps at Burke-Williams at taxpayers' expense (in fact, there's a little-known section in the Obamacare bill for exactly this provision that becomes effective in 2014). However, because these doctors actually saved children's lives, the heavy jackboot of Obama's police state is instead coming down heavily on their throats. You can never start teaching the children of Our Nation the importance of personal grooming informed by The Gospels early enough, even in a neonatal unit. Without that sort of Moral guidance, they're liable to turn into Bratz-informed tarts with too much make-up, or angry lesbians who favor that "natural" look. This latest attack once again exposes what a charade Barack Hussein Obama's professed love for America and her Values truly are. Praise Him!

*if you can consider California such

Always Horses Coming

What little girl couldn't resist a horse with a giant wang growing out of its forehead?

In elementary school, I recoiled in horror as my classmates fell under the spell of getting a pony. The very thought of all that monstrous equine junk in my face was enough to give this Christian girl the vapors, and I've long suspected that the pony lobby was really a front group for radical homosexual activists trying to normalize man-on-box turtle action: Start them out on Black Beauty & National Velvet early enough, and they'll be pot-smoking earthmothers with DayGlo unicorn posters on their dorm room walls come freshwommyn year at Wellesley. Fortunately for those of us who cherish the Christian Value of Modesty, there's a movement afoot to obscure all that tubesteak from public view:

New by-laws in Dublin mean that horses in the city center will have to wear diapers.

The carriage drivers will have to attach the so-called dung-catchers to the rear of the horse in a bid to keep areas such as St. Stephen's Green and the Guinness Store House clean.

Obviously the letter of the Irish law addresses excrement as opposed to animal exhibitionism, but given the continuum of perversion, this is really a distinction without a difference. So, my hat's off to you, Dublin governing council, and I hope that this trend catches on for all domesticated animals here in the US of A. Praise Him!

Whores on 45

Row 1: $25, handjobs only; Rows 2 & 3: $50; Row 4: $75. Anal $20 extra.

Chances are that if your child is in public school, The Left is trying to brainwash him into forsaking Traditional Christian Values and becoming a homosexual. The curricula is riddled with such deviance-promoting agitprop as sex "education," "social" "studies" (code name for group sex), and chemistry, and after 13 years, very few students graduate with their heterosexuality uncompromised. Fortunately for the Souls of Our Children, funding for the "arts," the program most likely to turn your son into a raving nancy, has been non-existent for the better part of a quarter century. And it's a good thing, too, as today we have another reminder of why it is so dangerous: Choral music will lead to a career as a gay prostitute.

"Put on some music, swallow a Viagra, and adelante!"

That's the headline in Europe today following reports that a papal aide used an intermediary in an elite Vatican choir to solicit young male choristers and seminarians for prostitution.

Police wiretaps are expected to result in charges against Angelo Balducci, 63, a Papal Gentleman, as lay attendant are called, and the former chairman of the Holy See's Public Works Department, which is itself caught up in a corruption investigation.

According to police, Balducci regularly contacted Chinedu Ehiem Thomas, a Nigerian man who sings in St. Peter's Cappella Giulia, to engage the sexual services of young male members of the choir, along with seminarians and undocumented immigrants seeking residency status.

The ramifications of this are absolutely chilling. Is your child's band teacher teaching him to blow something other than the trumpet? Is it really candy bars they're selling door to door? And it's such a loss for Our Nation: I can't help but think that Jeff Gannon would have Shep Smith's job now, were it not for all those clarinet lessons in fifth grade.

Obviously it's very sad that The Church has to be implicated in this, as they have a sterling reputation for repulsing gay people from their ranks, so long as they're not clergy. But they are hardly the first Faith to be stung by a scandal along these lines: Beneath the polyester blue robes of your average gospel choir is a fetid breeding ground for homosexual impulses. So Christians, the next time some hippy starts bleating on about the value of "the arts" at a PTA meeting, ask him which street corner he wants his own child to work. Praise Him!

The Academy in Pearls

First they beat you up, then they violate your cornholes.

While I tend to think of myself, with good reason, as the most Persecuted Christian in America, a string of news stories leads me to believe that I need to share my sash & pageant crown with Our Nation's Christian Youth, or at least start a junior division. Not only have the tiniest Treasures of His Kingdom been seduced by Barack Hussein Obama into disrespecting their elders, having plenty of sex, and learning Arabic, but now I learn from my Prayer Warriors at OneNewsNow that The Left plans to subject them to a homosexual recruitment drive ten times more powerful than all three High School Musical movies combined:

The Illinois Family Institute is raising concern over a "safe schools" amendment in the U.S. Congress.

The Safe Schools Improvement Act (H.R. 2262) would ammend the Safe and Drug-Free Schools and Communities Act to include bullying and harrasment prevention programs. Laurie Higgins of the Illinois Family Institute says this is one of the central ways to get pro-homosexual information and resources into public schools....

Higgins notes that Kevin Jennings, founder of the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), is currently head of the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools in the U.S. Department of Education and supports the bill. GLSEN has been described by one pro-family leader as a "child corruption" organization that consistently promotes books that legitimize sexual encounters between adults and minors.

This is an Outrage! Preventing kids from calling other kids "fags" is an abridgement of their rights under the First, and probably Second and Third, Amendments. It also neglects the many important character-building aspects bullying has to offer, like enhancing the self-esteem of the bully. After all, it's what made America great! Just imagine where we'd be if Nancy Pelosi or some other castrating shrew from The Sisterhood said Uncle Sam couldn't pick on gay little countries like Cuba or Guam anymore. Well, I'll tell you where: Canada ... and you know what that means. Christians, please contact your legislators to preserve the right of all children (except white ones) to be subjected to schoolplace violence. Praise Him!

No such thing as a free lunch, etc.

Fight the real enemy.

As a Christian living under the despotic regime of Barack Hussein Obama, I've gotten quite a taste of what life was like for the Jews of Nazi Germany. Whether it's denying us our right to breathe polluted air or expanding health insurance coverage to shiftless layabouts, the legislative aims of this administration are just like Hitler's. And when I thought we couldn't possibly be any more Persecuted by The Left, I learn they're now robbing our children of that most precious Freedom: the right to widen their already fat asses:

When Michelle Obama and her fifth-grade partners harvested lettuce and peas in the White House garden this spring, she made a point of saying that American children are "not eating right and not moving their bodies at all," and she cited what they eat in school as part of the problem.

On just about every schoolyard, the nation's obesity problem is apparent: A fifth of U.S. children are overweight or obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. ...

One portion of the bill would give the Department of Agriculture authority to update decades-old standards for the food children buy at school stores and vending machines, as well as foods such as pizza and French fries that are sold a la carte in cafeterias.

This is an Outrage of the highest order. Without question, the intent of this bill is to indoctrinate public school children with the sinister hidden agenda of risotto, arugula, and Dijon mustard. I am referring, of course, to the unspeakable perversions of the homosexual lifestyle. After all, in the mind of The Left, why give a child a hamburger if you could give him almond biscotti and a sex change instead?

Christians, in light of the menace being served up daily on your child's cafeteria tray, it's imperative that we fight childhood nutrition programs with the same vigor we are opposing health care reform. Bring your anger, bring your airhorns, bring your firearms to those townhalls. Our failure to do so can only result in that homosexual holocaust otherwise known as endive stuffed with goat cheese and prosciutto-wrapped muskmelon served as appetizers before dinner. And would somebody please tell Sarah Palin? Praise Him!