Sister Nancy Beth's mysteries of the unexplained

I'm going to switch gears in an attempt to reestablish a working relationship with my Muse* and try my hand at a bit of that Citizen Journalism the blogosphere is so noted for. The purpose of these "Mysteries of the Unexplained" entries (I'm planning one more, though any tips from my two LA readers would be welcome) is to document the more puzzling sights of this Godless city and hopefully, through the craftsman's tools of idle speculation and gross mischaracterization, link them to radical homosexuals, Islamic terrorists, or better yet, radical homosexual Islamic terrorists.

Today's Mystery of the Unexplained is the throw pillow that's been sitting on the roof of specialty merchant (e.g. $8 pints of strawberries; $4 boxes of crackers) Bristol Farms at the corner of Sunset and Fairfax since spring of this year. I've long been alarmed by its presence, so when I saw the recent LA Times picture of local homosexual Perez Hilton with Bristol Farms in the background, my heart positively skipped a beat: "OMIGODD!!!1! THEY'RE FINALLY WRITING ABOUT THE PILLOW!!!" I IM'ed to one of my church ladies. Upon further research, however, it appears that Old Media has once again completely ignored this important landmark, one that has become a personal monument in the topography of my own post-9/11 struggle against Islezbofascism.



How did a harlequin print pillow end up on the roof of one of LA's priciest markets? Did some queen whose apartment is lousy with throw pillows flip out on during her meth-inspired shopping expedition for Evian and littleneck clams? Or could it have been put there as a sign to the local Al Qaeda cell that they've got the Stingers and to proceed apace with the plan against American interests in West Hollywood? Whatever the reason, MSM does't want to know, and clearly has no interest in finding out or telling you.



Over the past eight months, I've come to regard the fading of its original cobalt and sky blue into the muted grays you see in the photos with the same bittersweetness that I mark the passing of the seasons: Come springtime, I wonder, will there be a second pillow on the roof, and the process can begin anew? Yet in doing so, I risk trivialing the Evil that dwells within our midst. Let others worry about a nuclear Iran, for Pottery Barn, my arch-nemesis, has released a line of paisely jacquard throw pillows so opulent that even Hugh Hewitt himself would squeal in delight at their silken finery. Their potential to recruit angry jihadis in their war on Freedom is greater than a thousand Abu Ghraibs, and Our Nation's virility may not survive their onslaught. Praise Him!

*The tale of the tenth Muse, Asskobika (or alternately Asskobbika), the Muse of conservative punditry, has conveniently disappeared from historical texts, much to the delight of leftist intellectuals, but can be summarized thusly: Asskobika was blessed with the gift of seeing inherent liberal bias in the works of art inspired by her sisters, and complained bitterly about it to anyone who would listen. She so enraged the gods of Olympus she was banished to puckering her rectum in the outer recesses of the Milky Way. Though confined to total isolation, her endless grievances occasionally make their way to earth and inspire a mortal to send toxic spores to liberal entertainers.

Please stand by...

... as we are experiencing technical difficulties in the form of writer's block. My suspicion is that it is an intended consequence of any of The Left's dastardly plots (fluoridation, paraben-free cosmetics, childhood immunizations) to weaken Our Nation's resistance to homosexuality and allow America to fall into a state of dhimmitude, because I also kind of feel like getting an abortion. Anyway, I hope it is only temporary. In an act of spiritual rehabilitation very similar to what future heterosexual Ted Haggard is undergoing, I will constantly be consulting my Prayer Warriors for guidance, and I plan to be back to our regularly scheduled Outrages very soon. In the meantime, please look at pictures of squirrels in funny outfits. Praise Him!

Glamour to the rescue

What a relief it is to see that Our President is finally getting serious about the war against Islezbofascism. Get ready to hear The Left howl about trivial concerns like collateral damage and head wounds, because he's unleashing the mightiest weapon in our arsenal -- beauty queens!

Jessica Gaulke is trading in her sash as a Minnesota beauty queen for Army fatigues—and Iraq.

Gaulke, who was chosen Minneapolis Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes in July, is giving up her title because her National Guard unit has been activated for duty. The 22-year-old Augsburg College sociology student will be going to the Mideast as a diesel generator mechanic.

"It really wasn't a decision that was mine to be made," said Gaulke. "My unit's going. I've accepted it. It's part of the whole scope of why I joined; I'll be there for all of us over here."

Gaulke said being Queen of the Lakes, Minnesota's best-known festival royalty, is "a huge honor," but she said she is simply honoring the agreement she made when she committed to the Guard before her senior year in high school.

This blog has advocated the use of American military superiority to further Christ-based cosmetology in the Arab world practically from its inception, so it's gratifying to see that President Bush is paying attention to the net roots, although not in time to save the Republicans in Congress. Better late than never, I suppose, and this definitely paves the way for a comeback in 2008.

There's no indication how many of the 20,000 additional troops being considered for Iraq are beauty pageant winners, but no doubt their exemplary personal grooming skills are pivotal for quelling the incipient civil war. As a battle-scarred veteran of the Iraqi campaign's blogging division myself, I wish Ms. Gaulke and her sisters the safest of deployments and the speediest of returns. More importantly, I pray that the Democrats' toxic defeatism doesn't turn any of these former beauty queens into unshorn, microphone-hogging Cindy Sheehan clones, and that any beauty schools they repaint will not go summarily ignored by MSM. Lastly -- girls, please listen up -- should they ever feel compelled to put a chem-light up a detainee's ass in the name of Freedom, may it be far, far away from the camera's lense. Praise Him!

What the f***?

While naturally I am offended by hearing vulgar language, I find that I am more offended by not hearing it. Fortunately for me, my Prayer Warriors at Agape Press share my tender sensibilities and highlight the grave moral danger that comes from The Left's Satanic practice of bleeping out profanity in commercials:

Recent television advertising that used "bleeped" profanity as to grab attention and shock viewers is being compared to the Bible's warning concerning seduction and deception getting worse and worse. ...

It is unlikely that Bill Johnson, president of the American Decency Association (ADA), would agree with these companies' rationale behind the commercials. Besides pushing the legal and ethical limits, Johnson believes the advertising approach is designed to desensitize the general population.

"This degradation, this desensitization leads to an accommodation and causes an erosion of our ability to recognize the difference between what is pleasing to God and what is not pleasing," says Johnson.

That is why, warns the ADA leader, it is important that Christians strengthen themselves daily through spiritual disciplines such as prayer, Bible study, and time with God. "Our nature is being changed and so, therefore, when we are exposed to innuendo and subtleties and deception and seduction, we want to have nothing to do with it," he explains.

And what depraved acts are these corporations trying to deceive and seduce Americans into performing through these lasciviously edited 30-second siren songs? They're more than happy to answer that question for themselves:

In a Dodge commercial for its Caliber model, for example, a Muppet-like character shares that the car "scares the [bleep] out of me." An official with Dodge tells USA Today the marketing ploy for its "Anything But Cute" car is an attempt to "straddle good taste and getting attention." He then adds: "We think we've straddled it quite well."

God help us! Sister Nancy Beth straddled many things before receiving Christ , and always in the commission of some thoroughly unwholesome deed. If America doesn't wake up and demand unexpurgated profanity in their commercials, then there's no telling to what depths Our Nation's Virtue will sink. Praise Him!

Unholy alliance

Don't think I've abandoned you, Christians. There's no shortage of things to be Outraged about, whether it's the Persecution of oil companies by Democrats or the Catholic Church resting its ankles on the shoulders of America's nancies, but this story from USA Today really takes the cake. What happens when liberal trial lawyers get their chocolate in semi-illegal immigrants' peanut butter? You got it, a bogus class action lawsuit that does the unions' heavy lifting:

Armenio Pablo-Calmo, a Guatemalan national, spent six winters as a tree planter in the pine forests of the South as part of a guest worker program that is required under federal law to pay him the prevailing wage for such jobs.

That ranges from $6.32 an hour in North Carolina to $9.20 an hour in Alabama, according to the U.S. Labor Department. Pablo-Calmo says he and his co-workers were paid less than the federal minimum wage of $5.15 an hour, were not paid overtime and often were required to pay for their own tools, visas and travel costs. So last year, they sued Eller and Sons Trees, their employer, for back wages and reimbursement of out-of-pocket costs.

A federal judge recently classified the case as a class-action lawsuit, so it now involves about 6,000 tree planters. It is drawing national attention as one of several legal challenges to the H2-B visa program, which admits 66,000 foreigners into the USA each year to do temporary manual labor. As President Bush has proposed tripling the number of such visas issued each year, the H2-B program has come under criticism from the Southern Poverty Law Center and other groups that say it has been used by employers to exploit guest workers. ...

Organized labor has long opposed the H2-B program and other guest worker initiatives, arguing that they are used to abuse immigrants and undermine wages for U.S. citizens. Eller and Sons and other employers targeted in the lawsuits reject the notion of any abuse and say such programs help fill jobs most Americans won't do.

So the Republicans had uncontested rule for six years, and they still couldn't hobble organized labor to the point of making American workers dance for the opportunity to make $5.15 an hour? No wonder all my Prayer Warriors are saying they deserved to lose. Praise Him!

The dulcet tones of treason

As a Christian in America, I'm used to being persecuted on account of my faith by any number of the nefarious agents of The Left: My employer, local retailers, the Metropolitan Transit Authority, greeting card companies, public utilities, commercial airlines, beauty colleges, manufacturers of feminine hygiene products... the list is truly endless. The sole respite from all this persecution, or so I thought, was my weekly Saturday guitar lesson, which I've been taking for two months now. I am sad to report that liberals have even taken something as innocent and wholesome as music instruction and turned it into another of their politically charged battlegrounds.

The flashpoint for my latest crucible is Hal Leonard's Guitar Method, a deceptively cloaked missal of America-hating that teaches your child to Blame America First one note at a time. In the false orthodoxy of Political Correctness, the American musical idiom of the blues is based on the Black experience of slavery, and Hal Leonard marches in goosestep with the PC Gestapo on this point. The reality of the matter, I informed my teacher, is that the blues is actually rooted in the oppression by northern state elites of white southern Christians, whose spiritual bondage included excessive governmental regulation of industry, and unconscionable interference in the exercise of states' rights in matters like school prayer and educational vouchers. "Black people only later adopted the blues because of their spiritual indentification with these white southerners being oppressed by the ACLU. But as a sop to a key Democratic-voting constituency, Al Sharpton had history rewritten to give them all the credit. It's all true -- I think I read it over at Front Page," I explained.

The offending ditties (This Train, Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho) appear as early as book one and are identified as "African-American Spirituals." Initially this didn't strike me as being too odd -- "Less African, more American," I thought to myself, and blithely plucked my way through their notes. But by book two, it became clear I was waist-deep in an all-out propaganda effort by the racial grievance industry: Rock-A-My Soul, Jamaica Farewell, La Bamba... need I go on? I don't know what I find more disgraceful -- the willful refusal to acknowledge the vital current of Judeo-Christian values that animates America's popular music, or The Left's wanton desire to turn Our Nation's budding musicians into a bunch of appeasement-minded Madeline Albrights. Either way: Outrageous!

As hard as this may be to believe, this is hardly the worst of it. For you see, the spectre of homosexuality looms heavily over the whole curriculum. In order to play F#, the book requires you to put your left pinky on the fourth fret of the fourth string. In an act of sheer audacity, the book includes a version of the Star Spangled Banner in such a key that requires this very same effeminate maneuvering. "Can't I just use a capo?" I asked my teacher, not really too sure what capo is and whether they made them just for one string.

No, came back the reply, Proceed. It was clearly time to break out Sister Nancy Beth's November Surprise.

"Well, I just find it unseemly that you would even ask me do that. You know, after what those people have done to Traditional Marriage in this country." I sat back and awaited his response.

"Which people? What are you talking about?" Either my teacher was oblivious to the moral danger in what he was proposing, or he was just playing dumb. I lifted my pinky off the neck of my guitar and briefly waved it in the air. He narrowed his eyes and said, "Oh, I see." He was quiet for a moment. "How about you work on this one instead?" He flipped the page and pointed to De Colores -- mission hardly accomplished.

For those of you who are curious about these matters, Sister Nancy Beth's "axe" is an old Harmony Monterey archtop I bought in a pawn shop a few years ago, solely on the basis of its appearance; fortunately for me, its tone is quite serviceable, according to my teacher. From what I've read on the internets, the month and year it was manufactured is stamped somewhere inside the body, but I've been unable to locate it thus far, even after much determined searching. Another liberal conspiracy? It would hardly be the first. Praise Him!

Bedtime for democracy

Christians, I'm going to dash this off before The Left rounds me up and ships me off to one of their gulags on some geographically remote island like Martha's Vineyard, but as evidence of how hobbled Our President has become, he's even had to resort to the unthinkable -- Negotiating with the terrorists!

President Bush made nice on Thursday with Speaker-to-be Nancy Pelosi after her Democratic Party gave his Republicans a trouncing in this week's elections - but not before telling Congress to complete a hefty list of assignments while Republicans are still in charge.

"It is our responsibility to put the elections behind us and work together on the great issues facing America," Bush said after meeting with his Cabinet and Republican leaders from the House and Senate. "Some of these issues need to be addressed before the current Congress finishes its legislative session, and that means the next few weeks are going to be busy ones."

On the president's to-do list for the current Congress before January's changeover in power: spending bills funding government's continued operation "with strong fiscal discipline and without diminishing our capacity to fight the war on terror;" legislation retroactively authorizing his warrantless domestic surveillance of suspected terrorists; energy legislation; and congressional approval for a landmark civilian nuclear cooperation agreement with India and for normalizing trade relations with Vietnam.

Bush cast such objectives as a way for both parties to "rise above partisan differences." But with Democrats skeptical of many of these items, Bush's plea for Capitol Hill to do things his way - which came just a half-hour before his makeup luncheon with Pelosi - could complicate the reconcilation effort.

In light of the overwhelming mandate American voters gave the Democrats to continue President Bush's policies of warrantless wiretaps and staying the course keeping the path in Iraq, they're hardly in any position to refuse. However, Ayatollah Pelosi, head of the Supreme Council for Islezbofascist Revolution in America, rebuffed Our President's requests, shortly before pulling out a knife and beheading Freedom in a videotaped statement distributed to Arab language news channels:

"I look forward to working in a confidence-building way with the president, recognizing that we have our differences and we will debate them," Pelosi said at the president's side. "We've made history. Now we have to make progress." ...

Pelosi told reporters later that she suggested targets for initial compromise that are favorite subjects of the president — increased production of alternative energy, an immigration policy overhaul and ways to make American workers more competitive in the global economy.

She said Bush did not raise the issue of getting his warrantless domestic eavesdropping program approved by lawmakers. But, proclaiming that "you have to govern from the center," she said agreement with the White House is possible.

Somebody should remind "Mrs." Pelosi that she's governing from the center of the United States, not Saudi Arabia, and it's just this sort of partisan stonewalling that earned her party the wrath of the American voters she saw on Tuesday. But then again, when you hate America as much as these people do, doing what's best for Our Nation isn't exactly on the top of their list. Keep it up & we'll see how you fare next election. Praise Him!

NANCY BETH DEFEATS LEFTARDS!!!

The Left may think their supposed "victory" at the polls has demoralized me, but as I announced this morning at the Beauty Palace, "What are you talking about? Yesterday's results were in actuality a resounding affirmation of Conservative Principles. It's only because MSM brainwashed the American public into thinking the Dhimmicrats will do a better job of torturing Iraqis and demonizing homosexuals that we're even having this conversation. You'd have to be high to believe that moonbat schtick about ethics and competence having any real weight with voters. Excuse me, please." I then ran into the restroom and sobbed quietly for eight minutes.

Bloch of Ages

If ever there were a great philosophical quandary of our day, it would surely be Why must Sister Nancy Beth endure so much Persecution at the hands of the Beauty Palace's gay hairdressers? Initially I attributed my Suffering to the legendary intolerance of The Left. After all, there are few things liberals hate more than seeing how somebody can prosper after she's left the moonbat plantation -- I'm not one to boast, but I do make a pretty inviting target, what with my GED* and two quarters of beauty school and all. However, thanks to Prayer Warrior Phyllis Schlafly, I now see that radical homosexual activists have made persecuting Christians their standard operating procedure: Simply put, oppressing us is what they do.

Case in point is the sad tale of Scott Bloch, the head of the Office of Special Counsel who is presently being mau-maued by the huns of The Left:

Scott Bloch, the head of the U.S. Office of Special Counsel in the Bush administration, has been targeted for termination because he removed "sexual orientation" from the list of anti-discrimination laws protecting employment at federal agencies. Bloch discovered that his Clinton-appointed predecessor, Elaine Kaplan, had unilaterally inserted "sexual orientation" in the list without any statutory authorization, so he removed it.

The gay lobby retaliated, instigating five investigations against Bloch. After all five cleared him of any wrongdoing, the response by the gay lobby was to initiate a sixth investigation.

Fortunately for America, Mr. Bloch takes the "broken windows" approach to sodomy in the workplace. Clearly he recognizes that once the nancies get a foothold within an institution, even at the lowliest of positions, it's just a matter of time before moral rot spreads to the very top, with the formerly straight boss Tivo-ing Desperate Housewives and heading off to Denver to do meth with his favorite $200/hour manwhore. And that's if they're lucky. There are certainly far worse fates that can befall an organization that's been afflicted with homosexuality:

Their allegations run the gamut. They claim Bloch has denied help to gay workers who assert sexual-orientation discrimination; dismissed hundreds of whistleblower and discrimination complaints without any investigation; issued illegal gag orders and reassigned or fired employees he suspects of leaking information about him; and left critical staff vacancies open, while hiring numerous unqualified friends at high salaries for unnecessary administrative positions. Worse, they allege that he has politicized what should be a nonpartisan office by squashing investigation into whether Condoleezza Rice had broken campaign law, but speedily pursuing allegations against John Kerry; and vigorously pursuing petty complaints against Democrats and Green Party candidates, while burying complaints against Republicans.

Outrageous, isn't it? The Left has so perverted the meaning of Freedom that the once venerable First Amendment has devolved into nothing more than an excuse for disgruntled homos to natter on about how a great American and stand-up Christian like Scott Bloch performs his job -- why does that sound so familiar??? Mr. Bloch clearly ranks among Our President's finest appointments, and if the federal government hadn't been so thoroughly tainted by the scourge of homosexuality, they'd be showering him with rice and rose petals, rather than staging these inquisitions. Praise Him!


*Expected June 2007.

Only 52 persecuting days until Christmas

Sorry for my absence, but I'm sad to report that Christian persecution remains the official human resources policy here at Conchita's Unisex Beauty Palace. Conchita's first day back from vacation was Tuesday, when I informed her of how some of my coworkers had been running an America-hating/Nancy Beth-torturing campaign in her absence. I sensibly motioned that the best means of dealing with insubordination on this scale would be for her to fire all the gay stylists presently on staff and replace them with some of my friends from church, but her response was the typically hateful rhetoric of The Left: "I thought we had reached a point where I could take a vacation without you going at it with everyone here. I've been telling you for the last six weeks that we were going to run that promotion. It just so happened that the only time Maria [her dull-witted traveling companion and frequent thorn in my side] could get off was last week."

Ah, the old liberal canard about being warned in advance! I now join the august company of Our President and Condoleeza Rice as Victims of that particular moonbat line of attack. "But Conchita, I don't think anyone could have predicted that these people would use your vacation as an excuse to turn the Beauty Palace into a concentration camp. I've barely been able to keep up with my Prayer Warriors, and I haven't been able to balance my checkbook in -"

She was unfazed: "Maybe if you spent less time on the internet and more time doing your job, it wouldn't have come as such a surprise. We're running the half-off special through the holidays -- end of discussion."

"The holidays?!" It was getting worse by the minute. Not only am I barely able to blog at work, but now I've just had a new front in the Global War on Christmas open up right at my job. What could Freedom have ever done to Conchita to make her hate it so?

Succor from all this relentless oppression comes, quite naturally, from Prayer Warriors WorldNetDaily. Evidently I'm not the only person whose workplace is being overrun by radical homosexual activists. Readers, meet Janet Baird, Christian Martyr:

Sam Walton's original stores wouldn't even sell recorded music if it contained profanity and Janet Baird was happy working hard to make the company money, setting up and managing wedding fairs and other promotions, and won awards for her efforts.

She and her husband even married at one of the store's events.

But no more. The Ohio woman, after hearing the shocking confirmation directly from the mega-corporation's international headquarters that the company is, in fact, contributing to the financial and moral agenda of the nation's "gay" chamber of commerce, she quit. And she's not a bit worried.

"I got God backing me. That's where I stand on it," she told WND in an interview.

Baird had worked for the corporation, in various branches including Sam's Club and Wal-Mart, since 1992. It was a recent tip she received from her brother that was the beginning of the end, because he told her "my company had joined the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce."

As my experience here attests, once you start catering the nancies, sooner or later you've got to hire one. We've now got three, possibly even a fourth if my suspicions are correct, and the incessant homosexual banter (Baby Jane quips, Cher trivia, ceviche recipes) has created an unbearably hostile work environment. Anyone who identifies as a Christian American might as well have a big bull's eye painted on her. What hell this poor woman must have gone through -- I can only hope she gets a column at RenewAmerica for all her troubles.

I suppose I identify so much with Janet because her work ethic is eerily similar to my own:

"This was not a job to me, it was a ministry given to me by God Himself to help His people in need and get paid for it at the same time," Baird said.

Amen, sister! Just as Mrs. Baird honors the Creator by selling cheaply manufactured Chinese goods to America's underclass, I praise His Glory by blogging about current events from the viewpoint of Christian Cosmetology. What The Left fails to understand is that all the sodomy in the world can't shake our sense of Righteousness in our missions; in fact, it increases it. So keep it up, homos, and know that vengeance is mine, saieith God & Nancy Beth. Soon, when Our Lord has His way, America's heterosexual households will be overflowing with Wal-Mart merchandise, and every female in Our Nation will be immacuately coiffed and made up. Praise Him!