Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The dulcet tones of treason

As a Christian in America, I'm used to being persecuted on account of my faith by any number of the nefarious agents of The Left: My employer, local retailers, the Metropolitan Transit Authority, greeting card companies, public utilities, commercial airlines, beauty colleges, manufacturers of feminine hygiene products... the list is truly endless. The sole respite from all this persecution, or so I thought, was my weekly Saturday guitar lesson, which I've been taking for two months now. I am sad to report that liberals have even taken something as innocent and wholesome as music instruction and turned it into another of their politically charged battlegrounds.

The flashpoint for my latest crucible is Hal Leonard's Guitar Method, a deceptively cloaked missal of America-hating that teaches your child to Blame America First one note at a time. In the false orthodoxy of Political Correctness, the American musical idiom of the blues is based on the Black experience of slavery, and Hal Leonard marches in goosestep with the PC Gestapo on this point. The reality of the matter, I informed my teacher, is that the blues is actually rooted in the oppression by northern state elites of white southern Christians, whose spiritual bondage included excessive governmental regulation of industry, and unconscionable interference in the exercise of states' rights in matters like school prayer and educational vouchers. "Black people only later adopted the blues because of their spiritual indentification with these white southerners being oppressed by the ACLU. But as a sop to a key Democratic-voting constituency, Al Sharpton had history rewritten to give them all the credit. It's all true -- I think I read it over at Front Page," I explained.

The offending ditties (This Train, Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho) appear as early as book one and are identified as "African-American Spirituals." Initially this didn't strike me as being too odd -- "Less African, more American," I thought to myself, and blithely plucked my way through their notes. But by book two, it became clear I was waist-deep in an all-out propaganda effort by the racial grievance industry: Rock-A-My Soul, Jamaica Farewell, La Bamba... need I go on? I don't know what I find more disgraceful -- the willful refusal to acknowledge the vital current of Judeo-Christian values that animates America's popular music, or The Left's wanton desire to turn Our Nation's budding musicians into a bunch of appeasement-minded Madeline Albrights. Either way: Outrageous!

As hard as this may be to believe, this is hardly the worst of it. For you see, the spectre of homosexuality looms heavily over the whole curriculum. In order to play F#, the book requires you to put your left pinky on the fourth fret of the fourth string. In an act of sheer audacity, the book includes a version of the Star Spangled Banner in such a key that requires this very same effeminate maneuvering. "Can't I just use a capo?" I asked my teacher, not really too sure what capo is and whether they made them just for one string.

No, came back the reply, Proceed. It was clearly time to break out Sister Nancy Beth's November Surprise.

"Well, I just find it unseemly that you would even ask me do that. You know, after what those people have done to Traditional Marriage in this country." I sat back and awaited his response.

"Which people? What are you talking about?" Either my teacher was oblivious to the moral danger in what he was proposing, or he was just playing dumb. I lifted my pinky off the neck of my guitar and briefly waved it in the air. He narrowed his eyes and said, "Oh, I see." He was quiet for a moment. "How about you work on this one instead?" He flipped the page and pointed to De Colores -- mission hardly accomplished.

For those of you who are curious about these matters, Sister Nancy Beth's "axe" is an old Harmony Monterey archtop I bought in a pawn shop a few years ago, solely on the basis of its appearance; fortunately for me, its tone is quite serviceable, according to my teacher. From what I've read on the internets, the month and year it was manufactured is stamped somewhere inside the body, but I've been unable to locate it thus far, even after much determined searching. Another liberal conspiracy? It would hardly be the first. Praise Him!

9 Comments:

  • At November 13, 2006 7:16 AM, Blogger thekeez said…

    Beautiful guitar - well done!

     
  • At November 13, 2006 7:54 AM, Blogger lee said…

    stop hypocrisy

    During the Vietnam war, American forces sprayed about 12 million gallons of Agent Orange over the jungle canopies and jade-green highlands of Vietnam. The most toxic of the herbicides used for military purposes, it defoliated countless trees in areas where the communist North Vietnamese troops hid supply lines and conducted guerrilla warfare.

    Because Vietnam lacked the resources to conduct its own environmental cleanup, dioxin-related birth defects have been diagnosed in thousands of children whose parents were not exposed during the war.

    The USA sprayed chemicals that still create birth defects in Vietnam.
    I find it ironic that on one hand we put Saddam Hussein on trial for using biological warfare, but in another country where we sprayed chemicals for warfare, 30 years after, we still have not cleaned it up. Hypocrisy is alive and well and will be our downfall if we don't stop it.

     
  • At November 13, 2006 8:24 AM, Blogger lee said…

    a liberal

    If by a liberal and a Christian, they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties.. if that is what they mean, then I am proud to be a liberal and a Christian.

     
  • At November 14, 2006 6:00 AM, Blogger Alan said…

    Whatever happened to playing wholesome songs like Delta Dawn?

    Thank you for standing up for American and Jesus, Sister.

    Praise Him, indeed.

    PS - Lee, go write on your own blog, honey. I don't think you get the intricacies of Sister Nancy Beth. Its okay, not everyone is so blessed.

     
  • At November 14, 2006 7:47 PM, Blogger liquiddaddy said…

    Sister,

    Not wanting to sound reproachful, I'm afraid you did not pick a Godly instrument. If you intend to persist, try the music of those coqetish, Singing Nuns of Mount St. Michel, or that slut, Sister Jeanine Deckers. Or my favorite, Connie Smith's "Tiny Blue Transistor Radio."

    Unfortunately, I believe you might have played guitar long enough to be sex addict by now.

    Don't play that stuff polluted by humanity. The Glorious thing about "white music" is that it is totally deviod of any detectable "soul" or culture at all. (see John Tesh) You can understand the inherent danger of such things.

    I learned the tuba, a rightous instrument. Occasional lessons found me wrapped in sack cloth while being bludgoned with a large bierschinken by the maestro. No time for corruption.

    On my knees, eyes closed, to receive the Lord,

    LD

     
  • At November 15, 2006 12:37 PM, Blogger Lulu Maude said…

    I think that it is very nice that you are attempting to enrich your ministry with music. I do question your choice of instruments, since the Lord has sanctified the lyre, but not this bastard descendent.

    The guitar is rife with associations with the left.

    Please consider the accordian (also portable), the tambourine (with its proud history), or even the trumpet (think of Gabriel!)

    The guitar is nothing that a proper young Christian lady should be strumming. The neck alone should make it prohibitive.

     
  • At November 16, 2006 1:24 PM, Blogger Sister Nancy Beth Eczema said…

    Christians, I understand your alarm at my choice of instrument, but fortunately for us, The Lord has Blessed me with the uncanny ability to destroy even the most durable of rhythms. It is my greatest musical gift, one with which I hope to become the Debbie Boone of finger-picked guitar. Praise Him!

     
  • At November 16, 2006 7:14 PM, Blogger Alan said…

    Careful comparing yourself to the great Debbie Boone. Amy Grant did that, and look how that Godless hussy turned out.

    Just a word of warning, Sister.

     
  • At January 29, 2007 2:20 AM, Blogger Philark said…

    Nancy, my compliments on your writing. It's just that you are stark raving mad! Good luck with the guitar.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home