American Beauty

Today's scintillating bit of conservative cosmetology comes from Prayer Warrior Cathy Seipp, who explains how haircare products can provide an important moral bulwark against the campus radicalism of The Left:

One fall afternoon in the mid-'70s I was trudging up UCLA's Bruin Walk in my crotch-hugging Chemin de Fer jeans and Bernie-from-"Room 222" hairdo, thinking I looked maybe not bad and sidestepping as usual the Trotskyites and Hare Krishnas that clamored for attention from passers-by, when a grinning young man jumped into my path. "Man, am I glad to see someone like you still around!" he announced loudly, eyes darting back and forth at my vast expanse of extremely curly hair, which under the right barometric conditions in those days sometimes did approach a width of three feet. "You look like one of those great old freaks from the '60s!"

Since I was at the time a constantly mortified 16-year-old freshman, this made me feel even more mortified than usual for the whole rest of the week. But I knew what he meant: in those dark days before anti-frizz products, it was hard to keep my kind of hair from looking like something out of, uh, "Hair."

Just as The Lord has given us the blood of His only begotten Son to cleanse Our Nation of its Sinfulness, so too did He give us a plethora of styling aids and anti-frizz serums to ensure the moral rectitude of America's insurrectionary locks. Could David Horowitz have made the impressive inroads into academia that he has if hippies were still cultivating naturals of Angela Davis-like proportions to advance World Communism? Of course not. Remember, Christians: The only thing keeping your daughters from going lesbian-until-graduation and majoring in Chicano Studies is a flat iron and a bottle of Aussie Tizz, so provide for them accordingly. Praise Him!