Sister Nancy Beth bares all

Rather than going through the usual junior high posturing about how "uncool" these blog meme thingies are, and fretting that I'll forever blow my chances of being asked to join The Corner if I respond to one, I'll just thank loyal Nancy-Con Rain Storm for the opportunity to blog about myself. After all, I find myself endlessly fascinating, and I'm sure most of you do as well. The real reason memes have developed a bad reputation isn't that they commandeer your limited writing time while interrupting the flow of your blog, but that they rarely invite the tagged party to write about me, Sister Nancy Beth. After all, who wants to read about some puny blogger's gray little life when you could be reading about how often I trim my toenails? So until Blog About Sister Nancy Beth Day comes (oh yes, you know it's coming), sit back and bask in the warm glow of me, me, me.

1. All right, here are the rules. 2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. 3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 4. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. 5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I have amassed a modest collection of musical instruments since my teen years (mandolin, Appalachian dulcimer, dvoyanka, harmonium, tamboura -- which I spell with a b because when I say tampura people think I'm talking about batter-fried Japanese food), but I have only recently made a concerted effort to learn to play one of them, the guitar.

2. The first record I ever owned was Heart's Little Queen, a Christmas gift from one of my older brothers.

3. The first record I ever bought was Double Platinum by Kiss.

4. In my previous life as a selfish hedonist (prior to my finding God, taking Jesus into my heart, and getting kicked out of beauty school), I was an uncivil liberal blogger. The remnants of my shameful past are here.

5. I have a nervous habit of biting the skin off my bottom lip. Gross, huh?

6. I studied Russian for three years and Czech for two, but barely remember a word of either.

7. I love cats, but find moderate to large sized dogs intimidating (something to do with bad formative experiences with our neighbor's pit bull).

8. I also love squirrels, and would devote an entire blog to random squirrel attacks if I hadn't already killed one blog with neglect and treated this one here with stretches of appalling indifference.

And now the fun part. The following loyal Nancy-Cons are hereby summoned to appear at the blogging equivalent of jury duty: responding to this meme.

1. Space Cadet
2. Why Oh Why
3. Proud Progressive at Some Notes on Living
4. Take Your Medicine
5. LiquidDaddy at Zippidy Do Da
6. Reality Cubed
7. I Make No Promises
8. Occasional commenter ExMoWeHomo (Busted! Just because you don't have a blog doesn't mean you can't share in the suffering. Feel free to answer in comments section)

Have fun. And remember, blame this guy. Praise Him!

Prayer warrior

We conservative bloggers regularly traverse a minefield laden with the deadliest of threats The Left can imagine: Liberal trolls, slow internet service, and 100-calorie snack packs all threaten to undermine the war effort, as well as keep us from bringing our message of Freedom to the globe's most beleaguered victims of Islezbofascist oppression -- our conservative readership. I'd like to think that I've navigated this hazardous terrain quite deftly thus far, but that has only made me a higher-value target in the eyes of The Enemy. As my repeated viewings of Red Dawn have shown me, you can only dodge so many bullets before you finally get grazed, but I am back from the brink to show you and the libtards who accidentally happen across this site while googling for porn that Sister Nancy Beth remains Unvanquished!

My travails began last Friday morning at the Beauty Palace, when I felt a suspicious rumbling deep in my innards. "Nope, that ain't good," I thought to myself. It was either some lower g/i problem, or demonic possession: The early signs of each are barely distinguishable from one another. Jesus kindly picked me up from work after I toughed out my shift, and I figured I could sleep it off.

I woke up feeling as if I hadn't even slept at all, but decided to go ahead and go through the motions of my Saturday anyway. Rather than surrendering to the ravages of whatever it was that was conspiring against me, I tried a new tact: I would use the power of Prayer, the most powerful weapon in the Christian arsenal, to combat its evil powers. At my weekly guitar lesson, I made my instructor bow his head and began with the following Devotional: "Heavenly Father, please accept the following music as exaltation of Your Mighty Grace, though You probably won't since all the songs my teacher here picks out for me to learn are written by communists or homosexuals. In Jesus' name, Amen." I didn't feel much better, but I did manage to strip "Sittin' On Top of the World" of all the Sinful elements (rhythm, melody, playing in tune) that typify the wasteland of contemporary music and return American Song to its Christian roots, for one brief, shining moment. Glory!

Afterwards I went to the car wash, and as I handed my sales slip and debit card to the cashier, I closed my eyes and intoned the following with as much solemnity as can be mustered while surrounded by cherry air fresheners: "King of Kings, I humbly ask that today's ablutions restore my car to showroom condition, and that all the illegal aliens working here be deported, but not before they finish hand-waxing the Praisemobile. For Thine is the Kingdom and the Glory, forever and ever, Amen." I waited for the others around the cash register to join in. "Amen," I repeated, slightly louder, only to open my eyes to find the cashier flicking the pages of her magazine with her acrylics while the woman behind me fidgeted with her PDA, two obvious ACLU members if I'd ever seen any.

The final stop before I could go home and pray en seul was Gxxxxx's, my local grocery store and frequent battlefield in the war on Christianity here in West Hollywood. As I brought my toothpaste up to the register, I was greeted by the friendly face of "Luz," the checkout girl, and, I suspected, a spiritual ally in my fight. "Heavenly Queen, just as you conceived your only begotten Son without sin, so too may my teeth reach a similarly Immaculate state with this tartar-control dentrifrice. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen." I crossed myself and left, but did my ears deceive me? Did I hear Luz exhale an "Amen" as I walked through the sliding doors? Or was she offering her coworker a mint? Despite how horrible I felt, I couldn't help but savor this potential victory, especially in light of all the stinging defeats I had experienced there in the past: In your face, shift-manager "Randy," loyal supporter of pornographic vegetable displays in the produce department, for wherever two or more are gathered in my name, or His name, or whoever's, etc. etc. etc. Well anyways, now was not the time to split hairs over such trivial matters, because Love had won out!

I'll spare you the details of Sunday, but let it suffice to say the floodgates opened at about 3:30 a.m. and have yet to fully shut. As fate would have it, I had my annual physical scheduled for 9:30 Monday morning (otherwise I'd still be haggling with the receptionist for an appointment time two weeks from now), so I used the opportunity to give my doctor an earful about what was going on downstairs. I provided the following Offering to diminish the inherent Sinfulness of the doctor-patient relationship, and I think it may have worked: "Benevolent Lord, please help this physician with his expensive medical schooling find out what's wrong with me, even though it's probably something mentioned in Genesis, and please keep the scope he sticks up my ladyparts from bragging to its friends about it so they don't disrespect me. Keep it real, Lord. Amen."

His diagnosis was somewhat vague, but something about it -- parasites -- made my eyes widen.

"Parasites, like... illegal aliens?" Suddenly all the pieces were falling into place. An El Salvadoran family had miniaturized themselves and relocated to my colon. They were probably stealing cable, too.

"No," he clarified, "It's probably bacteria, like food poisoning or amoeba." But then he gave me a prescription for Flagyl and for Cipro, which we Patriots know is usually given to treat mail-borne anthrax. Didn't I just get an advertisement in the mail from The Nation wanting me to subscribe to their commie rag? It was one of those "a-ha" moments, much like when Flopping Aces discovered that Hummel figurine memo was a forgery: Major leftist publication gives prominent rightwing blogger anthrax! You may be wondering why MSM hasn't reported on my illness, but apprarently it's only news when unionized, Democratic-voting government workers get anthrax, not when us defenders of Freedom do.

Anyway, I'm not going to make too much of a fuss about it. I was pretty happy to be able rattle my bottles of pills at Conchita when she asked me why I was out all day yesterday instead of being in at 11:00 like I had indicated on Friday (much easier than trying to convince her that the feast day of Blessed Jutta of Thuringia is a major liturgical holiday; you can only go to the well so many times with that one). Now please join me in the following prayer as I pop my thrice-daily pill regimen: "Holy Spirit of God, please remove all the members of your animal kingdom dwelling deep within my bowels before Nancy Pelosi declares them endangered species and my intestines are subjected to regulatory oversight by the Fish and Wildlife Service. Praise Him!"

Suffer the children

Just business as usual in America's classrooms.

Radical homosexual activists have Spiritually bankrupted Our Nation's schools with their demands that our children be instructed in the three r's of the homosexual lifestyle (rimming, recruiting, and redecorating), but now they're threatening to bankrupt them financially. Prayer Warriors WorldNetDaily bring our attention to the latest Outrage, wherein Jack O'Connell, State Superintendent of Public Instruction for California, squandered 41 cents sending a letter giving his blessing to the advancement of the Homosexual Agenda:

"Charged with the responsibility to be the chief spokesman for California's public schools, O'Connell plays one of the most significant roles in the lives of millions of small children in America's most populated state," Hartline continued. "Using public funds to send out a letter to endorse an event that features XXX pornography, an explicit S&M leather sex venue, and the distribution of condoms and lubricants used in anal intercourse, demonstrates that Superintendent O'Connell should now be considered one of the most dangerous men in all of California."

No, all this anal sex and S&M isn't show-and-tell in your average first grade class, though it certainly sounds an awful lot like it. It's actually San Diego's "gay" "pride" "festival," for which Mr. O'Connell wrote a letter of support. God bless the power of the Internets, because WND reproduces a copy of this tawdry missive, which is certain to be savored by collectors of "erotica" for generations to come. Here it is, in all its perverted wickedness:

Dear Friends,

It is with great pleasure that I offer my support for the 2007 celebration of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Awareness Festival. I am truly honored to recognize and endeavor that promotes equality and respect in our communites.

I would like to thank you for your efforts to celebrate diversity and a sense of humanity among individuals while encouraging them to value each other's rights and privileges as members of society.

My strong committment to furthering respect for all people in our schools and communities is bolstered by these events, and I wish you great and continued success with this year's festival and all future ventures.

Sincerely,

Jack O'Connell

He might as well have written, "We'll have the 6 years olds trussed up and ready to go by 8:00 a.m. Try not to leave any bruises this time. Have fun, Homos!" It's disgusting, to be sure, but not necessarily unexpected. Until Tradititional Values are restored in our public schools and children are coerced into making religious observances they'd rather not make, a diploma from these institutions of debasement will continue to be a de facto a day-pass to gay pride festivals. Praise Him!

Feeding the Beast

Through a steady regimen of sex "education," music videos, and biased coverage of Iraq, The Left has turned the youth of Our Nation into an unwashed horde of America-hating vegetarian potheads, all of whom would prefer killing their unborn children rather than Islamic terrorists. Not content with ruining the Morals of this generation of young Americans, liberals have now set their sights on those of the people of Iraq, with expectedly disastrous consequences:

Pregnant Iraqi women who have been forced from their homes by worsening violence are obtaining illegal abortions because they are unable to get medical care for themselves and their unborn, according to a new report by a national humanitarian group. ...

Rape, theft and drug addiction have also become "commonplace" among the displaced, who live in government buildings, at relatives' homes, tents, or squat in abandoned homes or makeshift huts on empty land, according to the report, which was first noted on the Iraq news site Iraqslogger.com.

The number of "internally displaced persons" -- refugees who leave their homes but remain in the country -- has quadrupled since January, the group found. As of May 2007, 1,024,430 Iraqis have left their neighborhoods to live in safer regions, the group reported, with more than 400,000 people pouring out of the areas around Baghdad and Mosul, which have been plagued by sectarian violence and anti-U.S. attacks.

More than 1.8 million Iraqis have fled the country entirely, according to the United Nations.

They must be teaching evolution in those newly painted schools, because I don't know what else could cause this freshly liberated group to reject Freedom like this and throw up their purple fingers in despair. And I'm sure MSM's incessant negative reporting had some part in this, too, because no doubt these people would be a lot happier if ABC quit blubbering on about how miserable they are.

Naturally, the moonbats would like to cite this as additional proof that [cue violins!] Our President was wrong to invade Iraq, that the surge isn't working, that our continued presence in Iraq is only bringing continued misery to a population that's already had to endure it for generations, that we're further destabilizing an already unstable geopolitical situation, that we're only fomenting additional anti-American sentiment in the world, and any other "reality"-based talking points the liberal lunatic fringe can pull out of its much-traveled derriere. Naturally, they refuse to look at their own complicity in the floundering war effort, as I bet you dollars-to-donuts not a single one of these people has a magnetic yellow "I support the troops" ribbon anywhere on their car. And besides, Al Gore is fat. There's no reason we should give stories like this any credence, other than to note how destructive liberalism has been to the people of Iraq, and that we should Stay the Course. Praise Him!

Sister Nancy Beth's Mysteries of the Unexplained

There are few things MSM delights in more than divulging top secret government information. Whether it be the warrantless NSA wiretaps, plans to attack Iran, or the secret location of Dick Cheney's vacation home, nothing is off limits if the liberal media thinks is can undercut the war effort or embarass Our President. The latest attempt to assist Al Qaeda came last week, when our resident Fifth Column tipped off the terrorists to the existence of the Chelsea Project, a valiant effort by our military to construct a bomb that will turn opposing military forces the most shockingly pink shade of gay-gay-gay you can imagine. This was an act that was as treasonous as it was stupid: Who's to say that Osama wasn't already working on just such a device, one that will turn millions of God-fearing, Freedom-loving Americans into pole-smoking, Baby Jane-quoting friends of Dorothy? Whoever gets the gay bomb first will rule the world, and MSM just blew whatever tactical advantage we might have had in the guise of "journalism." Thank you, traitors.

One of The Left's most effective methods of turning America's rugged straight-shooters into lisping nancies is through the repeated exposure to overproduced, slinky disco music. I don't know to what extent our defense industry has examined how that unstoppable beat channeled through a coked-up producer's enormous mixing board can lead to widespread adoption of the homosexual lifestyle, but loyal Nancy-Con Space Cadet has studied this phenomenon in great detail. He sent me a cd with some of the most highly toxic examples on it, and he himself was not immune to its relentlessly gayifying powers. He wrote: "I walked through the Castro listening to it while swiveling my neck and flinging my imaginary cornrows," truly a cautionary tale for America's youth to stay away from this music if ever there was one.

If there were some way to weaponize disco music, perhaps by putting it into an aerosol form or releasing into the water supply, Our Nation would be done for and Chairman Hillary might as well move into the White House permanently. Alarmingly, I believe such an endeavor is being undertaken here in Los Angeles, and in broad daylight no less. Late last year, I brought your attention to a particularly distressing sight that I believed to be the work of homosexual Muslim terrorists. Today's sight is equally alarming, if not worse -- the mysterious "Disco Duck Boogiein Cocktails" sign in Hollywood, which I believe is the marker for an active cell of homosexual terrorists:



The crux of the mystery is that there is no such business named Disco Duck at the shopping center where this sign is located. In fact, a search at WhitePages.com reveals there's no such business with that name in the state of California at all. Smelling a rat, I decided it was time to undertake more of my patented citizen journalism, plus I was really dying for a bag of Doritos. I went to the liquor store and asked the attendant if he could explain what it meant. He either didn't speak English very well or was trying to avoid incriminating himself, so my query fell on seemingly deaf ears. I couldn't tell where he was from, but deduced it must be one of those violent and bloody regions of the globe where Asiatic features freely commingle with radical Islam, like Chechnya, or San Francisco.

Naturally I left with more questions than I had when I came (and worse -- my chips were stale), but armed with the power of Google, I am able to offer the following pieces of evidence that bolster my theory that this is a homosexual plot against Our Nation:

† The sign is located at the corner of Santa Monica and Wilton. In the 1970s, the Wilton Street Place Band (named after this very same street!) had a minor hit with a disco version of the I Love Lucy theme song, effectively proving that any song could be turned disco, much in the same way any straight person can be turned gay, and vice-versa.

† Disco Duck was a novely hit by KIIS-FM radio personality Rick Dees, whom the Elders of Sodom later replaced with stealth homo Ryan Seacrest (h/t: YOY) to better recruit unsuspecting straight men into the homosexualist demimonde of "metrosexuality."

† This location is also unnervingly close to the gay Latino nightclub Tempo, leading me to speculate that illegal homosexual immigrants may also have a hand in this diabolical scheme.

Given the nature of the players involved (Muslims, homos, illegal immigrants), I've fulfilled my civic responsibility as Jane Doe, American Citizeness, by notifying Michelle Malkin, who I hope will use this as an opportunity to advocate military strikes against Iran , the New York Times, and Democrats. In the meantime, I'd request that you all remain vigilant to these sorts of threats in your own neighborhoods, as Our Nation's continuing Freedom hinges upon our willingness to report even the most innocuous event to the proper authorities. Praise Him!

Trannies without borders

They're already here.

As if Our Nation didn't have enough trouble with our neighbors to the South sneaking across our unsecured borders, I now learn they'll be doing so while wearing high heels and feather boas. Prayer Warriors LifeSite alert us to the alarming homosexual menace growing in Latin America with the encouragement of their leaders:

At a meeting presided over by Jose Miguel Insulza, the president of the Organization of American States, various representatives from lesbian, gay, bisexual, transvestite, transgender, transsexual and inter-sex (Lgbttti) groups met to discuss and seek recognition of “rights”. As the Catholic News Agency Reports, it was the first time that various activist leaders have voiced specific concerns before the OAS.

Marcela Martinez, representative from the Latin American and Caribbean Network of Transsexual People described how transsexuals allegedly suffer violence and discrimination through forced medical treatments and in some cases, assassination. The Catholic New Agency described how others at the meeting denounced such violence, saying that it was “promoted by a legal system that fosters cruelty, repression, violence and discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender expression and identity.”

OAS leaders and delegates responded to the testimonials by claiming ignorance of the state of affairs and committing to remedying it. Silvia Rosivel, representative of Trans Nicaragua, indicated to the Panama newspaper La Prensa that the event was a success for gay rights groups. “The most important thing is that Insulza and the ambassador of Panama, Aristides Royo, committed themselves to work for the respect of the human rights of the LGbttti,” said Rosivel.

No doubt liberals and their Shamnesty Republican allies will claim they're merely sucking the wangs that others refuse to suck, but I'm not going to fall for that line of reasoning again. This is another brazen attempt by The Left to destroy Family Values, as the laws governing homosexuality present a moral slope at its most slippery. First they expect crimes against them to be prosecuted, next they expect their perverted love-acts to be decriminalized, and then they'll demand workplace protection. Before you know it, they've outlawed Traditional Marriage and -- BAM! -- they've got their own tv network:

Respected Pro-Lifer, Fraser Field, Executive Director of the Catholic Education Resource Centre, commented on Isulza’s recent commitment, warning that while it is true that violence against any particular group must be stopped, stopping such violence must never be used as a means to pushing a pro-homosexual agenda. ...

“So often in Canada and the U.S.,” continued Field, “the goal of making homosexual persons a special case with respect to violence is the first move in the long range strategy of making homosexual marriage and homosexual behaviour socially acceptable and the legal and cultural equivalent of heterosexual marriage.”

America has paid dearly for her tolerance of deviant lifestyles. Our southerly neighbors would be wise to learn from our mistakes. Praise Him!

Don't mind me

I'm just nursing a bad mood I've been in ever since Sister Chandrika (who hasn't made an appearance in these pages for quite a while -- guess why) submarined our plans of fevered protesting around West Hollywood this past Saturday night. For those of you out of the loop, last weekend was the LA "gay" "pride" "festival," when West Hollywood capitulates to the demands of the The Left and declares citywide parking amnesty, an open invitation to lesbians from Diamond Bar and beyond to flock to our fair city and block our driveways with their Subarus. While I don't get much out of the Sunday parade (I consider the act of forcing myself to watch 2+ hours of gay church groups waving rainbow banners more masochistic than the entire oeuvre of Robert Mapplethorpe), Saturday night is usually pretty hopping. The plan was to protest a restaurant for dinner (most likely Cha Cha Cha, but possibly Marix, since we like to flirt with the head valet), and then take our Outrage to some watering hole and preach the Gospel of Christian love to the fudgepackers. Sister Chandrika claimed Satan was cursing her with an allergic reaction to her anti-inflammatory drugs (a likely story, as The Dark One is particularly cruel to our fair sister in this regard), so Jesus and I got some gelato and brought it to her place, where we protested The Da Vinci Code on pay-per-view (the less said...). While I enjoyed hanging out with her, it was really no substitute for bringing Testament to the fairies, so I have this sort of unscratched itch for Witnessing, plus the sense of having missed an opportunity to really do The Lord's work in an environment rich with potential converts. I guess I can let it go now that I've bitched about it. Normal programming will resume shortly. Praise Him!

Witness to history

I'm usually not one to weigh in on celebrity gossip, since most movie stars are either homosexuals, liberals, criminals, or drug addicts (or all of the above). But given the constant droning of news choppers over Paris Hilton's safehouse (well within earshot of mine & Jesus' pad) for the past two days, I figured I'd engage in some of that citizen journalism that has MSM lying sleepless at night. Here's the view from outside our front door:

This happy little fellow was there when I got home last night and left some time around 7:30, when it became evident that Ms. Hilton was no longer going to have any more cheeseburgers delivered. A few more helicopters came and went before I called it a day, so I figured that was the end of the story. Wrong. As I was leaving to protest the gym a little before 5:00 this morning, the first one came buzzing by, presumably to catch any surreptitious pastry drop-offs for an early morning newscast. There were two helicopters by the time I got home at 6:30, which made me think that the cupcake beat must really be heating up. Jesus said He wishes she goes back to jail so He can get some sleep.

While I may have my judgments about Miss Hilton, it would be negligent of me to ignore the political dimensions of this story. True, she is a drunk whore who has routinely displayed a shocking lack of regard for the law. But on the other hand, she is rich, and white, and if anyone deserves leniency from the horrors of the penal system, it's this disenfranchised group. Unless we Republicans want to relegate ourselves to permanent minority status in the years to come, it's important that we begin reaching out to rich white people, to show them that the Party is big enough for all of us. Demanding justice for Paris -- for Scooter, for all of the martyrs of the judicial system -- is a small gesture of solidarity for our oppressed brethren that will reap enormous dividends.

As a pointless aside, I should note that isn't my first encounter with the media convoy that celebrity felons drag behind them like the train of a wedding gown. In 1994, I was living off Veteran in Westwood and got to watch the armada of police vehicles following O.J. Simpson up the 405. As I'm overcome with nostalgia, I can't help but wonder how many more convicted superstars will touch my life.
****
Since I'm blathering on about nothing in particular, what better time to resume doing Friday random-ten iPod lists? Here's what you'd be stuck listening to if you were at mine & Jesus' place:

Mojave - Ikue Mori With Robert Quine And Marc Ribot
Vacant Night Sky - Mecca Normal
Star Ruby - Movietone
Joshua - Dolly Parton
Make It Go Away - Barbara Manning
Camp Orange - Cornershop
New Flash - Kissyfur
Dream By Dream - The Chills
Dimming Of The Day/Dargai - Richard & Linda Thompson
Artificial Sound Disc - K-Group

Damn, I've got some old records. I've also begun the arduous process of tranfering my vinyl lps to my computer using this handly little contraption Jesus gave me for Christmas. Here's the state of the art recording studio, which looks suspiciously like our dining room, where all this audio alchemy (It's in Nancyphonic!) is happening:


It's pretty straightforward, but I've had one big hurdle that I'm strill trying to work around. The pre-amp in my crappy little Aiwa turntable doesn't give enough signal to record at an optimal level, but when I plug it into a receiver, it makes everything I try to record sound like outtakes from Metal Machine Music. Jesus is encouraging me to get one of these because it has its own pre-amp and would solve this whole problem, and I think He really wants me to get this project finished so I can clear off the dining room table. So I'll look into that and probably make little updates when I've got nothing else to write about. Praise Him!

Sunny slide downwards

For an institution that's been on the right side of history so often in the past, it's more than a little disconcerting to see my beloved Catholic Church fold to the demands of the terrorists. What better way to squander two millenia of Moral Authority than to embrace dhimmitude and desecrate your holiest of shrines with those dreaded insignia of Islezbofascism, photovoltaic cells:

Some Holy See buildings will start using solar energy, reflecting Pope Benedict XVI's concern about conserving the Earth's resources, a Vatican engineer said Tuesday. The roof of the Paul VI auditorium will be redone next year, with its cement panels replaced with photovoltaic cells to convert sunlight into electricity, engineer Pier Carlo Cuscianna said. ...

The cells will produce enough electricity to illuminate, heat or cool the building, Cuscianna said. ...

"Since the auditorium isn't used every day, the (excess) energy will feed into the network providing (the Vatican) with power, so other Vatican offices can use the energy," he said

The Pope should install a bunch of Muslim footbaths for his new overlords while he's got the construction crews there, because the distinction between environmentalism and militant Islam is next to nil at this point.

Though public transportation and increased fuel efficiency standards are certainly contenders for the this dubious honor, renewable energy remains the foulest bauble of The Left's eco-vanity. Regardless of the audacious claims those decapitation-crazy proponents of wind, water, solar and geothermal energy make in their propaganda videos, the reality of the situation is that the only way to decrease dependence on foreign oil is to turn foreign oil into American oil. Our Visionary in Chief, President Bush, realized this early on, and has nearly achieved this noble goal with his Iraq conquest. However, the enemies of Freedom (Al Qaeda, MSM, Sean Penn, et al.) have so inflamed the Iraqi opposition that the admission of our 51st state remains but a tantalizing glint on the horizon; this certainly doesn't help matters.

Pope Benedict's submission to jihadism represents another dagger in the troop's back (as if this weren't enough), and should not be taken lightly: It sets the likely date of a pacified Iraq back by at least six months, if not more so. Their refusal to take the threat that The Left presents to Western Civilization seriously should not be forgotten, and goes a long way in bolstering the argument that the Bush Whitehouse is the new Holy See of Christian Values. Perhaps it's time to add the Vatican to the Axis of Evil and invade their asses. Praise Him!

Gathering Storm

Say what you will about Our President, but at least he has a good heart, and he's kept the fags in their place* for the duration of His time in office. Chairman Hillary, on the other hand, has consulted "her" Little Lavender Book and decreed that the second "she" is installed as dictatrix for life, Christian Values will once again go into exile and homos will reign supreme:

An era of aggressive homosexualist policies is the future for the United States, promises Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, brashly saying when, not if, she becomes President in 2009.

Hillary Clinton, former First Lady and junior Senator from New York, released a statement for “Gay and Lesbian Pride Month” in which she told homosexual activists that the victories for the homosexual agenda obtained by Congressional Democrats and others in the past year are only shades of things to come.

Among these are the demise of the Federal Marriage Amendment, which she called “divisive and discriminatory,” the implementation of civil unions legislation in New Jersey and New Hampshire, and the imminent passage of hate crimes legislation, which President Bush has promised to veto, out of concerns for its implications for religious liberty.

Evidently, in the world of Democratic politics, issuing terrorist threats like these** isn't enough to show the depths of your hatred for America, so she followed up with some Unhinged Bush-bashing, presumably to reach out to the undecided swing-voting pervert demographic:

"I'm running for president to replace the divisive leadership of the past six years,” said the former First Lady and junior Senator from New York. “America deserves a president who appeals to the best in each of us, not the worst; a president who values and respects all Americans, gay and straight; a president who treats all Americans equally no matter who they are or who [sic] they love.”

“For six long years, the Bush Administration has only seen the families that matter to them. It's been a government of the few, by the few, and for the few,” Clinton continued.

“But when I take office in January 2009, we'll finally be able to define success by more than the bigotry we stopped and the bad decisions we prevented. America will finally have a president who moves this country forward.”

She seems to have left something out, namely that part about moving this country forward into a bleak future where Christians are hunted by liberals for sport and starting a commencement ceremony with Prayer is a capital offense!

“If the dynamics were such that we had Hillary Clinton in the oval office and a liberal controlled congress then I think there is no doubt … that she will essentially remove any barrier to protection between first amendment freedoms and the radical homosexual agenda.” [said Concerned Woman For America Matt Barber.]

Clinton promised a broad expansion of federal hate crimes laws, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), and the end of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in the military.

Barber explained ENDA and the hate crimes legislation are imperatives of the homosexual agenda that “set the table for religious persecution[!!!!!] and puts us on a slippery slope to silence any opposition to homosexual lifestyle that is rooted in sincerely held religious beliefs.”

I have to tell you, Christians, that I survived those harrowing eight years when the Clintons' political enemies turned up dead under the most mysterious of circumstances, jack-booted thugs suspended our most basic constitutional rights, Janet Reno listened in on our telephone calls, and black helicopters were ready to whisk away to some top-secret prison anyone who dared so much as question their numerous shady business dealings. I'd much prefer keeping things the way they are now, when that happens to Muslims. So while the current crop of Republican nominees have yet to display the same love of Freedom that has distinguished Our President's two terms, the alternatives are a thousand times worse. Praise Him!

*Mostly.
** Why is this "woman" not on the no-fly list?

Insuring their own destruction

While Scripture confers many blessings upon the Union of man and woman through the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, perhaps the most Blessed of all of these is employer-sponsored health insurance. "Ensureth thine conjugal mate through thine master's actuarial programme, lest The Lord smite you to the tenth generation with sixty percentage out of network costs," a Prophet beseeches us from the Good Book (though I can't remember exactly where; I think it was somewhere towards the front), and those words have never rung truer. Throughout the history of Western Civilization, employer-provided coverage has been the mortar that binds Freedom together with Heterosexuality, creating the Moral foundation upon which Our Nation rests. This goes a long way in explaining why Chairman Hillary and the rest of "her" red brigades are so hellbent on turning private healthcare into another state-run communist welfare program, like education, Social Security, and the forest service -- it's another projection of their deep hatred for Traditional Values. As if those Clinton years weren't dark enough, insurance must now withstand another onslaught -- this time from Maryland's radical homosexual activists:

Pro-family activist Matt Barber is warning Maryland taxpayers that they may soon be forced to support the homosexual lifestyle with their pocketbooks. Barber, policy director for cultural issues for Concerned Women for America, says Maryland appears on the fast track to becoming the 15th state to grant domestic partner benefits to homosexual state employees.

This boggles the mind: How many florists does the state of Maryland actually employ? That a state's government can be taken over by these flower-arranging footsoldiers of perversion indicates something is seriously wrong with their human resources policies. And this doesn't address the heart of the matter: Why are homosexuals even insured at all? Political correctness prevents a Concerned Woman for America like Mr. Barber from speaking these hard truths, but I make no such concessions to The Left's thought police: Baby Jesus weeps every time a homosexual presents his insurance card to see a doctor, and every submitted claim form is like a dagger thrust through His tiny, precious heart. Insuring homosexuals is a one-way ticket to Hell for Our Nation, and its practice is probably one of the many reasons God turned His back on us and allowed 9/11 to happen.

But If only that were the worst of it. Health insurance for "gay" "couples" threatens to lead to the widespread use of "counterfeit marriages," which means you (OR YOUR CHILDREN) will be able to go your local swap meet and buy one for a fraction of the retail cost that the rest of us have to pay. But don't take my word for it, take Mr. Barber's:

He contends that domestic partner benefits devalue traditional marriage much the same way introducing counterfeit money into commerce devalues the dollar. "[When] you water down something enough, eventually it becomes unrecognizable," he asserts, "and we have counterfeit marriage here; we have the government subsidizing counterfeit marriage."

Is that the only counterfeit operation homosexuals are involved in? Because given the natural America-hating affinities between this group and the heathen Chinee, it wouldn't surprise me to discover that the trunk of your average homosexual's Miata is stuffed with bootleg DVDs of Glitter and My Fair Lady to peddle at their local leather bar. I think the Justice Department would be wise to make investigating this a top priority.

Make an earnest declaration of Our Christian Faith, like saying that all homosexuals are diseased perverts, and The Left will distort this into their usual claims of hydrophobia. This time is no different, but fortunately for the people of Maryland who don't stick foreign objects up their anuses, Mr. Barber is onto these vectors of moral pestilence:

"The homosexual lobby has done a masterful job of convincing people that this is about discrimination," Barber said. "It is not. It is about benefits being conferred upon those who enter into marriage, which is beneficial to society. Homosexual relationships are not beneficial to society; in fact ... the homosexual lifestyle is a very dangerous lifestyle that oftentimes involves high medical costs."

Homosexual epidemics like AIDS and the Evian flu* have brought Our Nation's healthcare system to the brink of insolvency. Rather than renounce the sinful lifestyle that causes these afflictions, radical homosexual activists want the American taxpayer to pick up the tab for their treatment, which mostly consists of getting pedicures and sipping on mimosas at expensive day spas. Don't let them do this. Health coverage for "domestic" "partners" in Maryland may very well start a domino effect that leads to the collapse of healthcare -- nay, of capitalism -- as we know it, a calamitous event that only liberals would welcome. Fight the good fight, Christians, and praise Him!

*Credit goes to Varla Jean Merman for informing me of this looming health crisis.