Sister Nancy Beth's Mysteries of the Unexplained

There are few things MSM delights in more than divulging top secret government information. Whether it be the warrantless NSA wiretaps, plans to attack Iran, or the secret location of Dick Cheney's vacation home, nothing is off limits if the liberal media thinks is can undercut the war effort or embarass Our President. The latest attempt to assist Al Qaeda came last week, when our resident Fifth Column tipped off the terrorists to the existence of the Chelsea Project, a valiant effort by our military to construct a bomb that will turn opposing military forces the most shockingly pink shade of gay-gay-gay you can imagine. This was an act that was as treasonous as it was stupid: Who's to say that Osama wasn't already working on just such a device, one that will turn millions of God-fearing, Freedom-loving Americans into pole-smoking, Baby Jane-quoting friends of Dorothy? Whoever gets the gay bomb first will rule the world, and MSM just blew whatever tactical advantage we might have had in the guise of "journalism." Thank you, traitors.

One of The Left's most effective methods of turning America's rugged straight-shooters into lisping nancies is through the repeated exposure to overproduced, slinky disco music. I don't know to what extent our defense industry has examined how that unstoppable beat channeled through a coked-up producer's enormous mixing board can lead to widespread adoption of the homosexual lifestyle, but loyal Nancy-Con Space Cadet has studied this phenomenon in great detail. He sent me a cd with some of the most highly toxic examples on it, and he himself was not immune to its relentlessly gayifying powers. He wrote: "I walked through the Castro listening to it while swiveling my neck and flinging my imaginary cornrows," truly a cautionary tale for America's youth to stay away from this music if ever there was one.

If there were some way to weaponize disco music, perhaps by putting it into an aerosol form or releasing into the water supply, Our Nation would be done for and Chairman Hillary might as well move into the White House permanently. Alarmingly, I believe such an endeavor is being undertaken here in Los Angeles, and in broad daylight no less. Late last year, I brought your attention to a particularly distressing sight that I believed to be the work of homosexual Muslim terrorists. Today's sight is equally alarming, if not worse -- the mysterious "Disco Duck Boogiein Cocktails" sign in Hollywood, which I believe is the marker for an active cell of homosexual terrorists:



The crux of the mystery is that there is no such business named Disco Duck at the shopping center where this sign is located. In fact, a search at WhitePages.com reveals there's no such business with that name in the state of California at all. Smelling a rat, I decided it was time to undertake more of my patented citizen journalism, plus I was really dying for a bag of Doritos. I went to the liquor store and asked the attendant if he could explain what it meant. He either didn't speak English very well or was trying to avoid incriminating himself, so my query fell on seemingly deaf ears. I couldn't tell where he was from, but deduced it must be one of those violent and bloody regions of the globe where Asiatic features freely commingle with radical Islam, like Chechnya, or San Francisco.

Naturally I left with more questions than I had when I came (and worse -- my chips were stale), but armed with the power of Google, I am able to offer the following pieces of evidence that bolster my theory that this is a homosexual plot against Our Nation:

† The sign is located at the corner of Santa Monica and Wilton. In the 1970s, the Wilton Street Place Band (named after this very same street!) had a minor hit with a disco version of the I Love Lucy theme song, effectively proving that any song could be turned disco, much in the same way any straight person can be turned gay, and vice-versa.

† Disco Duck was a novely hit by KIIS-FM radio personality Rick Dees, whom the Elders of Sodom later replaced with stealth homo Ryan Seacrest (h/t: YOY) to better recruit unsuspecting straight men into the homosexualist demimonde of "metrosexuality."

† This location is also unnervingly close to the gay Latino nightclub Tempo, leading me to speculate that illegal homosexual immigrants may also have a hand in this diabolical scheme.

Given the nature of the players involved (Muslims, homos, illegal immigrants), I've fulfilled my civic responsibility as Jane Doe, American Citizeness, by notifying Michelle Malkin, who I hope will use this as an opportunity to advocate military strikes against Iran , the New York Times, and Democrats. In the meantime, I'd request that you all remain vigilant to these sorts of threats in your own neighborhoods, as Our Nation's continuing Freedom hinges upon our willingness to report even the most innocuous event to the proper authorities. Praise Him!