Hairway to Heaven

Ethnic hairdressing, along with affirmative action and judicial activism like Brown v. Board of Education, has done more to disenfranchise America's minorities than that perennial liberal bugbear, "racism," could ever hope to do. Objective scientific analysis has long shown an undeniable correlation between hairstyles and Righteousness, particularly when plotted on the bell curve of Christian Cosmetology. In light of this unassailable evidence, the only rational conclusion we can draw we should encourage the economically disadvantaged to adopt straight, platinum-blonde hairdos through whatever policy means are available to us.

Naturally the racial grievance industry kicked into overdrive with this one, even going so far as to speciously link hair straighteners with potentially life-threatening health risks. I am pleased to report their scare tactics have been exposed:

Chemical "relaxers" commonly used by black women to straighten hair are not associated with any increased risk of developing breast cancer, according to a new study.

Researchers found women who used hair relaxers seven or more times per year over a period of 20 years or longer had the same risk of breast cancer as those who had used the products for less than a year.

Cancer is a truly horrible disease, which makes it all the more unforgivable that The Left would try to politicize it in this way, especially since it's been long established that the leading cause of cancer is abortion (and to a lesser degree, being pro-choice). Let us pray that our more melanin-enriched sisters take this information to heart, and begin a process of reconciliation with The Lord that includes cultivating long, silky locks of spun gold, joining the Republican Party, and rallying for the elimination of those disastrous civil rights laws. Only then they will fully enjoy the Freedom that Our Nation offers to its citizens. Praise Him!