Dear Mr. Horowitz
It cleaves my heart in two to learn of the cruel mistreatment
you experienced in my hometown of West Hollywood. As you are probably aware, West Hollywood is a bastion of homosexuality, and intolerant gay leftists, out there in the non-virtual world as well as right here on the internets, are the cossacks of our age. I wish you a speedy recovery from that terrifying ordeal.
Unfortunately, that is not my primary reason for writing to you. I have long admired your campaign
to bring free speech to the campus, and I share in the jubilant sense of liberation
your followers must feel once they no longer need to pay attention to socialist claptrap like the theory of evolution or Keynesian economics. But I have often wished you would focus some of your attention on those other hothouses of world communism: beauty schools.
I myself attended Martinelli's School of Beauty, a prestigious chain of glamour academies operating in some of America's finest shopping centers, until the stifling effects of dreaded political correctness made it impossible for me to complete my coursework there. While a comprehensive accounting of all the humiliation inflicted upon me would be too voluminous to document, I do offer the following three incidents as evidence of their unchecked danger to America.During the Nail Care module,
I vociferously objected to the use of the term "French Manicure
." I explained to the instructor, S'Tar, that given the unwillingness of our fairweather friends to defend liberty, the name should be changed to Freedom Manicure. I then stated what a slap in the face of all veterans it would be if, once Iraq was liberated, for Iraqi women to be giving themselves French Manicures, when the French had absolutely nothing to do with their liberation. S'Tar said that French Manicure is what it said in the textbook, and that would be the term the class would continue to use.
I persisted and asked, "Doesn't anyone review these textbooks to make sure they're clear of blatant political biases like this? This is outrageous."
"Nancy Beth, please see me after class."
Nancy Beth. I am a bride of Christ."
S'Tar responded with an icy stare.
After class, S'Tar ignored the issue at hand and went off on some pointless digression about how I was wasting the class' valuable instruction time with all my interruptions. I'm sorry my classmates are willing to swallow liberal dogma like this, S'Tar, but not Sister Nancy Beth! I agreed to drop it -- for now -- and bring it up in Nail Care Module 2, where I hoped to achieve some resolution to my concerns. (I'll spare you the details, but my efforts to rename French Braids
during the Braiding and Extensions module met similar resistance. )Martinelli's offered (and continues to offer) an Ethnic Hairstyling module,
which I did not enroll in out of principle. I did, however, alert the school director, Mrs. Mendoza, that this sort of preferential treatment was a clear violation of Ward Connerly's Proposition 209
, and if Mr. Connerly was willing to forego a decent haircut in the name of racial harmony, equal sacrifice on the part of other African-Americans would only help them achieve the American dream that much sooner. We are, after all, living in a color-blind society, and holding onto past grievances like this just keeps us mired in divisive racial politics. Mrs. Mendoza was unmoved, and started with all that Clintonian legalese that moonbats love so much, about what the statute truly says, etc. I don't know if her response was true, because it left my head reeling, but it sounds like there may be a loophole the size of Utah in the law that allows for this sort of special-rights pandering. I was so upset I could have shanked the bitch with my rat-tailed comb -- Ward, how could you do this to me?The Intro to Tinting and Waving Module
is the one class in which I truly excelled, and I distinguished myself from my classmates with my innovative Halo
hairdo, a combination hair lightening and tightly rolled permanent. I never felt closer to God than when I was giving the dollheads their Halos, and I'm sure they must have felt like they were little decapitated cherubs. Mr. Lerner, the militant homosexual instructor, said that using that much peroxide and neutralizer could burn somebody's scalp. I stated my belief that God would prevent that from happening, and went about my business. He let fly some comment about seeing me in court, and I elaborated on my beliefs further: "I think we should try to revere God
with our hairdos, and not those godless trial lawyers." Mr. Lerner said that he was flunking me right then and there. He then had to humiliate me further in front of my classmates by saying that all the teachers said I was trouble. I fled from the classroom in tears and have never been back.
My three months in beauty school really opened my eyes to the stranglehold liberals have on the higher education system in this country. Please, Mr. Horowitz, turn your critical gaze to ivory towers like Martinelli's, so that eager young minds needn't hide their loves of God and Country to finish their education and take their rightful place as gears in America's great economic motor. I look forward to the financial and social flowering your efforts will bring America, so that we can truly be One Nation Under God.
Yours in Christ,
Sister Nancy Beth Eczema