Melons of Mass Destruction

As the leading theologians of our day have noted, Baby Jesus weeps every time a poor person sees a doctor, and the recently passed "health care reform" bill conflicts directly with the Values of Our Christian Nation: "Gather ye premiums from the masses, and terminate yon policy upon the filing of the first claim," the King of Kings instructs us in His Sermon on the Mount. However bad this bill is for our Moral Character, though, it also presents a grave threat to National Security:

Female homicide bombers are being fitted with exploding breast implants which are almost impossible to detect, British spies have reportedly discovered.

The shocking new Al Qaeda tactic involves radical doctors inserting the explosives in women's breasts during plastic surgery — making them "virtually impossible to detect by the usual airport scanning machines."

As you are well aware, not only does this bill provide unlimited federal funding so skanks can have abortions, it also provides ample subsidies for women to get their cans augmented. How many of these women, whose bitter hatred of America is already evident by their willingness to even use subsidized health care, will have their hooters pumped full of TNT so they can blow up a 747? It goes without saying that this bill needs to be repealed immediately, but that's only a start. From now on, breast enlargements should be limited to those women who embody Traditional Family Values. Praise Him!

Queens of the Circulating Library

Fourteen months into the despotic regime of Barack Hussein Obama, we have witnessed an unprecedented power grab by the imperious liberal oligarhy. The Left's New World Order is reminiscent of the tyranny that caused our Founding Fathers to take up arms and threaten to move to Costa Rica, and Real Americans are doing what they can to frustrate progressives' plans to snatch our firearms, criminalize fishing, and turn the public airwaves over to ACORN. Sadly, that may not be enough, as we have lost yet another of our most precious liberties: The Freedom not to return library books.

Handcuffed and in the back of a police cruiser, Aaron Henson wracked his brain trying to figure out how a simple speeding violation had led to his arrest.

Texas man is arrested for failing to pay a $27 late fee.The answer from the Colorado State Patrol stunned him. Henson never returned the DVD he'd checked out of the Littleton library, and there was a warrant out for his arrest. ...

Towns across the county, frustrated with trying to replace wayward materials on a shoestring budget, have turned to issuing citations, court appearances, even reporting the offending library patron to their credit bureaus.

City spokeswoman Kelli Narde said Littleton lost $7,800 in lost library materials in 2009, including Henson's DVD. They issued 81 summonses for failure to return library materials, she said. "And 80 of them were resolved without a problem."

The warrant Henson was brought in on in January was actually for failure to appear. The town claimed it sent numerous bills, notices, a summons and a notice of a court date, but they apparently were all sent to a previous address and Henson saw none of them. ...

Narde said they don't buy that Henson never knew they were looking for the DVD, noting that they left two cell phone messages and that their notices didn't get returned by the postal service meaning someone had to have picked them up at his old address.

THAT'S NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION, PEOPLE! This is a clear case of abuse of process by Big Bun & Bifocals directed at anyone who dares question their authority, and I pity anyone who gets in their way.

It comes as little surprise that public libraries would be the scene of the latest encroachment of our civil liberties, as the mullahs at the American Library Association have been coddling terrorists & sheltering perverts for years. Imprisoning Americans for exercising their God-given rights is the logical extension of their America-hating impulses. Fortunately for myself, I only protest my public library on rare occasions, and mostly limit my activities to complaining to the librarians that they don't have enough copies of Ann Coulter's books. However, those of you who actually read may in fact be adversely affected by this. So until our ship of state has been righted, watch your backs, Christians. Praise Him!

When the Teabags Come Back to the Adirondacks

Doug Hoffman (file photo)

If at first you don't succeed, concede & un-concede several times, and then accuse your enemies of slashing your supporters' tires. And then, if that still hasnt' worked, I guess you could always consider trying again:

Doug Hoffman, the Conservative Party candidate in the NY-23 special election in 2009, has officially announced that he's running again this year against Democratic Rep. Bill Owens, who defeated Hoffman last fall.

Hoffman announced in a press release Monday night that he would be seeking the nominations of the Republican, Conservative and Independence parties, "and unite them, as one team, to defeat the agenda of Nancy Pelosi and Bill Owens."

Thank God someone's going to take Bill Owens down a few pegs, because that dude has been all up in our chocolate ever since he "won" that seat and spends every session of Congress holding Nancy Pelosi's purse.

Better yet, another Hoffman run is, as the expression goes, good news for conservatives!, because even though he *may* have lost last time, it still represented a trouncing of Obamaism, Liberalism, RINO-ism, Marxism, Socialism, Altruism, & Dadaism. Regardless of the outcome, Hoffman's second run will be a similarly resounding victory against The Left. Our Heavenly Father hands you so few sure things in life, so when you have odds like that, you just have to take them. Praise Him!

Always Horses Coming

What little girl couldn't resist a horse with a giant wang growing out of its forehead?

In elementary school, I recoiled in horror as my classmates fell under the spell of getting a pony. The very thought of all that monstrous equine junk in my face was enough to give this Christian girl the vapors, and I've long suspected that the pony lobby was really a front group for radical homosexual activists trying to normalize man-on-box turtle action: Start them out on Black Beauty & National Velvet early enough, and they'll be pot-smoking earthmothers with DayGlo unicorn posters on their dorm room walls come freshwommyn year at Wellesley. Fortunately for those of us who cherish the Christian Value of Modesty, there's a movement afoot to obscure all that tubesteak from public view:

New by-laws in Dublin mean that horses in the city center will have to wear diapers.

The carriage drivers will have to attach the so-called dung-catchers to the rear of the horse in a bid to keep areas such as St. Stephen's Green and the Guinness Store House clean.

Obviously the letter of the Irish law addresses excrement as opposed to animal exhibitionism, but given the continuum of perversion, this is really a distinction without a difference. So, my hat's off to you, Dublin governing council, and I hope that this trend catches on for all domesticated animals here in the US of A. Praise Him!

They're All Asking For It

While I generally hold the commentary at WorldNetDaily beyond reproach, I take exception to this passage by Prayer Warrior Dave Kupelian:

The spectacle of a far leftist president literally forcing socialized medicine down the throat of an unwilling center-right America is reminiscent, perhaps more than any other contemporary metaphor, of date rape.

A man determined to have his way with a woman may start off seducing her with lies, flattery and the usual pretense of caring about her. But at a critical moment, when she says, "Stop, I'm not comfortable with this and don't want to go any further," he has a choice: Either do the right thing and back off, or abandon all prior pretensions and take her by force.

As president, Barack Obama courted us with sweet talk, but America grew increasingly uncomfortable with his advances and firmly said, "Stop" – in fact, screamed bloody murder for months. Yet Obama remains obsessed with forcing himself on America.

Maybe center-right America was wearing too high a skirt, or too low-cut a blouse, or in the wrong part of town late at night, that let President Obama think that her protestations were just playing "hard to get." And how much did center-right America have to drink that night? After all, if the actions feminazi eunuchs like Mike Nifong have shown us anything, it's the men accused of these crimes really deserve the presumption of innocence in these matters. Praise Him!

Whores on 45

Row 1: $25, handjobs only; Rows 2 & 3: $50; Row 4: $75. Anal $20 extra.

Chances are that if your child is in public school, The Left is trying to brainwash him into forsaking Traditional Christian Values and becoming a homosexual. The curricula is riddled with such deviance-promoting agitprop as sex "education," "social" "studies" (code name for group sex), and chemistry, and after 13 years, very few students graduate with their heterosexuality uncompromised. Fortunately for the Souls of Our Children, funding for the "arts," the program most likely to turn your son into a raving nancy, has been non-existent for the better part of a quarter century. And it's a good thing, too, as today we have another reminder of why it is so dangerous: Choral music will lead to a career as a gay prostitute.

"Put on some music, swallow a Viagra, and adelante!"

That's the headline in Europe today following reports that a papal aide used an intermediary in an elite Vatican choir to solicit young male choristers and seminarians for prostitution.

Police wiretaps are expected to result in charges against Angelo Balducci, 63, a Papal Gentleman, as lay attendant are called, and the former chairman of the Holy See's Public Works Department, which is itself caught up in a corruption investigation.

According to police, Balducci regularly contacted Chinedu Ehiem Thomas, a Nigerian man who sings in St. Peter's Cappella Giulia, to engage the sexual services of young male members of the choir, along with seminarians and undocumented immigrants seeking residency status.

The ramifications of this are absolutely chilling. Is your child's band teacher teaching him to blow something other than the trumpet? Is it really candy bars they're selling door to door? And it's such a loss for Our Nation: I can't help but think that Jeff Gannon would have Shep Smith's job now, were it not for all those clarinet lessons in fifth grade.

Obviously it's very sad that The Church has to be implicated in this, as they have a sterling reputation for repulsing gay people from their ranks, so long as they're not clergy. But they are hardly the first Faith to be stung by a scandal along these lines: Beneath the polyester blue robes of your average gospel choir is a fetid breeding ground for homosexual impulses. So Christians, the next time some hippy starts bleating on about the value of "the arts" at a PTA meeting, ask him which street corner he wants his own child to work. Praise Him!

Marriage Made in Hell

Ever since California experimented with promoting same-sex marriage at the expense of opposite marriage, my family has suffered terribly. I personally have experienced irreversible weight gain, increased sensitivity to light, dishpan hands, and hangnails, while my niece has had to endure the torment of split ends, and my brother had gallstones. Clearly the effects upon the citizenry have been grievous, and sadly, the people of Washington DC are about to have similar agonies inflicted upon them by radical homosexual activists:

The Supreme Court on Tuesday refused to block the District of Columbia's gay marriage law, freeing the city to issue its first marriage licenses to same-sex couples the following day.

Opponents of gay marriage in the nation's capital had asked Chief Justice John Roberts to stop the city from issuing the licenses on Wednesday while they appealed. They argued that D.C. voters should have been allowed to vote on the issue. Local courts have rejected the opponents' arguments.

"It has been the practice of the court to defer to the decisions of the courts of the District of Columbia on matters of exclusively local concern," said Roberts, writing for the court.

This is judicial activism at its most perverse, which shows why it is imperative that Republican majority be restored in Congress, so that liberal judges like Roberts can be sent packing back to UC Berkeley.

More disconcerting is the horrendous loss of Freedom this represents. Already, a year into Barack Hussein Obama's purple reign, we risk losing the Freedom to be defended by straight or deeply closeted armed service members. We can only Pray that Republicans (& mainstream Democrats like Ben Nelson & Blanche Lincoln, who's probably a lezzie) will have the strength to abide by the power of their convictions and continue to do nothing. Praise Him!