Kiss of the spider woman

By now, you are probably aware that South Carolina's governor, Mark Sanford, has admitted to having an affair with a woman from Argentina. While the lion's share of the blame for this belongs to homosexuals for devaluing the Sacred Institution of Marriage, we shouldn't be afraid to point a finger at the two women at the center of this scandal, Mrs. Sanford and the Argentinean mistress. After all, that is how the healing begins.

Mrs. Sanford has released a heart-rending statement that shows exactly where she went wrong - by acting too much like a man (my emphasis):

I personally believe that the greatest legacy I will leave behind in this world is not the job I held on Wall Street, or the campaigns I managed for Mark, or the work I have done as First Lady or even the philanthropic activities in which I have been routinely engaged.

No wonder the man sought his comfort elsewhere. He probably thought he was going to bed each night with Karl Rove. It's a Miracle he didn't turn gay.

Even more at fault is Governor Sanford's mystery lover. What we know so far is that she is from Argentina, which Wikipedia tells me is in South America. Before Hollywood was taken over by Communists and began grinding out Jane Fonda movies, its accurate portrayals of life depicted what Latin women really are: fiery temptresses Hell-bent on bedding as many white men as their ladyparts could handle. Latin America, I understand, is also primarily Catholic. If "Maria" couldn't use the teachings of her Faith to resist her adulterous impulses, she is as much to blame for this tragedy as Mrs. Sanford.

This brings us to the elephant in the living room that we defenders of family need to bring up, for the good of Our Nation: Sonia Sotomayor

Who is to say that once she's seated on the Supreme Court, Señorita Sotomayor won't begin using her feminine wiles on her fellow justices and ruin their marriages, too? Given her membership in a radical lesbian separatist organization, she'd probably set her sights on Justice Ginsburg, just for the sport of it. I fervently hope one of our conscientious Republican senators asks her about this and gets to the bottom of this sordid affair.

Hopefully the menace Judge Sotomayor poses to Traditional Marriage will galvanize the flagging campaign against her and prevent her from being confirmed. If we hope to preserve Our Nation's Values, it is essential that the Supreme Court have only strong guardians of Morality, like Justices Scalia and Thomas. Praise Him!

Running on empty

He wouldn't be so lonely if those lazy bus riders got off their fat asses and joined him...

Everytime I do my weekly protest at Trader Joe's, some patchouli-infused hippie with a clipboard accosts me about signing some retarded petition or other to expand public transportation. "I'm not gay," I tell them, but nothing can dislodge the idea from The Left's feeble minds that mass transit is the magic bullet for all their PC bogeypersons: Peak oil! Sprawl! Global warming! Air pollution! To hear the public transportation cultists tell it, expanded light-rail and bus service will do everything but cure cancer and venereal warts.

Obviously this represents only one side of the story, the side promoted by foul-mouthed liberal bloggers and the MSM in a shameless attempt to deny Our Nation's Christian heritage. Why, for example, is there no discussion of the Biblical disavowal of mass transit? After all, God took Elijah up to Heaven in a private chariot, not some crappy bus making stops every 75 feet. I extend a tip of the hat to prayer warriors WorldNetDaily for broadening the dialog and linking to an article demonstrating one of the many benefits of less public transportation: increased athletic ability

Jeffrey Lawal Balogun was just 19 when a scout from a top athletics club saw him racing after the No28.

Now, three years on, he is hoping to be part of Team GB for the 2012 London Games.

Jeffrey, currently ranked seventh in the UK at the 60m sprint, told yesterday how his lightning dash down the road in Bromley, Kent, changed his life. He said: "I always knew that I was fast, but I didn't really know how to get into running.

"Then one day I was on my way to college and had to run after the bus. I must have been quite fast because a girl came up to me afterwards and asked if I ran with a club."

If the liberals had had their way, this young athlete would have known that the nanny state would be sending another bus in five minutes, and he could have waddled over to the stop like the usual bus rider. Instead, he had to hustle, and in doing so, learned something valuable about himself. How many future champions has the coddling of public transportation advocates robbed this country of? Speaking as a Christian, I find it shameful that moonbats continue to try to increase funding for these initiative-sapping boondoggles, rather than help recruit the cream of the crop for our future Olympic teams. So let's go out there and cut bus service to underserved communities for the Gipper! Praise Him!

To Wong Foo, thanks for everything - Barack Hussein Obama

The line forms early at the local welfare office...

The Left disengenuosly wonders why conservatives so adamantly oppose social welfare programs for the needy, as if they actually believe the message of the Gospels is to help those dreadful poor people rather than eliminate government regulations and cut taxes. Well, libtards, the answer is pretty simple: it's to keep them from turning into a bunch of cross-dressing perverts:

A Brooklyn man is accused of donning a wig, nail polish and dresses to impersonate his dead mom and collect $115,000 in Social Security and rent subsidies.

For six years, Thomas Prusik-Parkin hoodwinked a stunning array of government agencies with his elaborate charade - using a cane, heavy makeup, fake ID and a phony "nephew," law enforcement sources said.

How many other people are violating Biblical norms on proper attire so they can live the life of Riley on the taxpayers' dime? And how many more transvestites will The One's plan for socialized medicine create? We don't need to create more incentives for sexual deviance like this. Christians, this is a clarion call not only to fight the Demoncrats' plan for more a public healthcare option, but to also roll back the many welfare programs they've already created, before all of America looks like Folsom Street on Judy Garland's birthday. Praise Him!

shepherding His flock

Nothing rends the Sacred heart of baby Jesus like watching His young followers abandon their Faith and become Democrats, except maybe the continued presence of David Letterman on CBS. The snuffing out of each of these tiny candles will lead Our Nation into a spiritual darkness, and we risk being led like moths to the lights of false prophets like Barack Hussein Obama and Joy Behar. Prayer Warriors WorldNetDaily shine a little Light of their own on this phenomenon, and the factors in why young people leave church are surprisingly counterintuitive:

Ken Ham, known for his Answers in Genesis creation-science ministry, says a major study he commissioned by a respected researcher unveils for the first time in a scientific fashion the startling reasons behind statistics that show two-thirds of young people in evangelical churches will leave when they move into their 20s. ...

The survey found, much to Ham's surprise, a "Sunday School syndrome," indicating children who faithfully attend Bible classes in their church over the years actually are more likely to question the authority of Scripture.

"This is a brutal wake-up call for the church, showing how our programs and our approaches to Christian education are failing dismally," Ham writes in the book.

Among the survey findings, regular participants in Sunday School are more likely to:

• Leave the church
  
• Believe that the Bible is less true
  
• Defend the legality of abortion and same-sex marriage
  
• Defend premarital sex

Evidently what they learn in the Bible conflicts with what they learn elsewhere, and their Faith ultimately loses. The solution to this problem, then, is crystal-cathedral clear: Forbid premarital Bible-reading. I never read the Bible, and my Faith in The Lord is unwaivering. I get all the Spiritual instruction I need from religious elders like Pope Benedict XVI, Bill Donohue, and Mel Gibson.

Sadly, even this might not be enough to ensure our young people's Devotion to the Word. Fortunately there are plenty of other tools to keep your child true to his Christian beliefs. Ad hominem has a special place for maintaining fidelity to Christian doctrine; its Latin name shows that it is especially beloved by Our Heavenly Father. The phrase loosely translates to "Your adversary is a homosexual," and it should be employed against all those who use any of Satan's trickery to lead children from the path of Righteousness, be it evolution, sex education, or algebra. Denial is also a powerful weapon of the Spirit, one that has gotten me through many of my own personal crises, as well as the one that guided Our Nation through its greatest era. With parenting strategies like these, there's no reason your children won't grow up to be a lifelong Christian and a leader in the conservative movement. Praise Him!

Notes from the underground

Speech after long silence; it is right, or so wrote some radical homosexual activist, presumably between leaving bitchy comments about why a Christian isn't fit to be Miss America on his homo friends' blogs. Greetings from the newest captive nation, Christians, and please forgive my lack of posting. It seems the nation I once loved since I last posted has been turned into a ruthless police state, one held in line by the truncheons of ACORN, Big Arugula, and Katie Couric.

The speed at which Obama's tyranny has become so omnipresent is truly startling. I took the mighty Praisemobile in for an oil change and they wanted to rotate the tires. Socialism! Worse is the subliminal, pro-Obama messages ADP is printing on my paystubs: Run "your taxable income for this period is $2246.37" through an Enigma machine and you'll get "Teach your child his anus is the eighth Wonder of the World."

But possibly the worst of all was the incessant homosexual indoctrination I received while protesting a botany class this spring. It was one insult against Taste and Decency after another, but the final straw for me came during the lecture on monocots (I have no idea either), when the instructor said, "That white stuff that's stuck in your teeth after you eat corn on the cob? That's endosperm."

Well, something in me just snapped: "Good God! Who does your lesson planning, Barney Frank?" And I stormed out, never to return. I've been living a life of quiet desperation ever since, eking out a meager existence back at Conchita's Unisex Beauty Palace, and wondering when, if ever, I would return to political activism for movement conservatism. Christians, I believe that day has come.

One of the ways The Left is destroying Our Nation is through their everyone's a winner/nobody's a loser mollycoddling of delinquents and retards in our public schools. The results of this disastrous approach are evident in the higher incidences of venereal disease and voter identification with the Democrat Party. Now it's compromising the election results in Iran:

Iran's interior ministry said Saturday President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was far ahead with nearly 80 percent of all votes counted, but his pro-reform rival countered that he was the clear victor and warned of possible fraud in the election.

If you ask me, this demonstrates the close working relationship between The Left and Islamic terrorists more than your average Hollywood awards ceremony. What do you want to bet the teachers' union engineered this whole thing? Christians, if we don't want the same thing to happen here, it's imperative that you homeschool your children, before they're converted into gay Iranians. Praise Him!