Wedding Belle Blues

I read on Protein Wisdom she was Lesbian-Until-Graduation and a total pothead.

The Walt Disney Corporation has turned so many of Our Nation's children into radical homosexual activists that it came as quite a shock to learn they've introduced a line of bridal gowns -- for women, no less! -- inspired by their princess characters. I don't know how large the market for traditional weddings can be in the present age, what with our headlong rush into canine polygamy and all, but I salute any capitalist enterprise that bolster Traditional Marriage in the Holiest way imaginable: by gnawing the last bits of carrion off its bones.

You've heard of a bridezilla. Meet a new breed: the princesszilla. She was created and nurtured in the Disney laboratory, and for the company she has become a dream come true. "Princess" is Disney-speak—a sort of noun-adjective you'd hear in a sentence such as"Your hair is, like, so princess today!"—for its plan to market Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Belle and the girls to world domination. They're almost there. Princess is a $4 billion business that's on its way to becoming the most successful marketing venture ever. (Mickey Mouse pulls in $6 billion annually, but he's been working it for decades.) When it was created in 2000, the Princess line was geared to kids and tweens, but in the past year Disney has begun going after middle-class women like Timberman. There's actually an entire line of Princess wedding dresses (in case you're more of a Cinderella) with matching jewelry and tiaras. Sleepwear and housewares are next.

I for one welcome the oncoming wave of merchandising, for it may succeed where others have failed. Prior attempts at selling the joys of heterosexuality or appealing to their sense of Virtue couldn't lure today's young women away from the homosexual lifestyle, but maybe consumerism can. Just the thought of spending my days surrounded by Little Mermaid toilet bowl brushes and salad spinners is enought to make we want to settle down and get pregnant. Praise Him!