Putting the men in menopause

When I saw the headline to the recent Newsweek article on male menopause, I shed a tear for America's lost Manhood: The Left, through their feminizing regimen of Oprah, diet sodas, professional ice skating, and soy products, had finally succeeded with the sex-change operation they had been threatening to give Our Nation for years, and now America was going through The Change. Once I got around to actually reading it, grief rapidly gave way to Outrage. I have deduced that the party responsible for turning our Christian menfolk from swaggering, big-dicked he-men into the simpering old maids presented in the article is none other than -- brace yourself -- feminism. That's right, our "scientists" have spent so much time pandering to the Amazons researching female menopause that they have yet to determine a fail-safe way to ensure granddad can still get a boner:

In the average man, however, linking testosterone levels to symptoms and predicting which men with low levels will benefit from treatment is tricky, for several reasons. First, there are many conditions that can cause the symptoms associated with testosterone deficiency. Alcohol abuse, thyroid and other hormonal disorders, liver and kidney disease, heart failure and chronic lung disease can all cause similar symptoms. Depression can cause many of these symptoms in men with perfectly normal levels of testosterone.

Second, some testosterone in the blood is "active" and other testosterone is inactive. It is low levels of active testosterone that cause symptoms of testosterone deficiency, yet doctors typically test just for "total" testosterone. Third, testosterone levels vary widely among men of the same age, including the majority of men without symptoms of testosterone deficiency. Fourth, testosterone levels fluctuate over the course of the day and vary widely among healthy men. For all those reasons, it's difficult to determine what a "normal" level of testosterone is.

Perhaps most perplexing, men experience symptoms of testosterone deficiency at very different levels: some men with what appear to be low levels of active testosterone have no symptoms, and some men with what appear to be "normal" levels of active testosterone have symptoms that improve with testosterone therapy.

President Bush should raise the homeland security threat level to orange immediately, as this is nothing short of a national security emergency. If middle-aged men can't whack off to internet porn, the terrorists have won. Praise Him!