Merry War on Christmas

That gulag better known as Conchita's Unisex Beauty Palace has been closed for three days, so I am once again able to honor the Spirit of Christmas by presenting you with the following gifts of Outrage. I've been meaning to write on some of these for almost two weeks, which is well past their blogging sell-by date, but when you're as deeply committed to the tenets of Christian Cosmetology as I am, you come so see that any slight, regardless of how negligible it may appear at first, can be cultivated into a lustrous pearl of indignation over time. Enjoy.

† The War on Christmas Carols. As the Sasha Cohen incident shows us, when Christmas carols are criminalized, only criminals will have Christmas carols. Sadly, that day is already here, as steadfast Prayer Warriors Agape Press offer us a glimpse of the moral decay presently taking root at CBS:

The Monday (December 11) episode of the network's popular sitcom Two and a Half Men featured actor Charlie Sheen singing a song about extramarital sex to the tune of "Joy to the World," a well-known hymn about the birth of Christ. In the parody song, Sheen boasts in anticipation about having sex on Christmas Eve on his second date with a woman.

I think I capture the disbelief of all Americans when I say, "Charlie Sheen still has a series on the air?" When you stop to take a look at the larger picture, however, it makes perfect sense: The political dynasties of The Left will always find cozy sinecures for even their most dimwitted offspring, so what else is there to do for the buffoonish son of Blue State America's favorite president? Fortunately for Our Nation, relief from Hollywood's musical terrorism comes from the College Republicans at Tufts University, who revive the beautiful Yuletide tradition of antagonizing similarly qualified minority applicants.

† Feminist Hypocrisy. I know, I know -- "feminist hypocrisy" has become something of a redundancy over the past thirty years. The latest appalling example is the sad plight of the Victoria's Secret mannequins, who must pay the ultimate price of the "If it feels good, do it" ethos promulgated by The Left:

Concerned citizens near Green Oak Township, Michigan, say despite some success already, they plan to continue their letter-writing campaign concerning window displays featuring scantily-clad mannequins at Victoria's Secret in the town mall. The campaign is one part of a two-pronged effort to stem exposure to indecency in the area.

Letters have been written to the store, Victoria's Secret's parent company, mall management, community officials, and business leaders. The letters object to what concerned citizens have labeled "unnecessary exposure to indecent sexual imagery" -- such as mannequins sporting G-strings, bras, nylons, and stiletto high heels. The correspondence also requests a meeting with corporate officials to explain that area citizens feel more modest standards should be reflected in the displays.

Concerned Women of America has been warning us about the menace presented by the global sex trade for years, but I never thought we'd come to see it so brazenly on display in the shopping malls of America's Heartland. Where are the feminists to decry this sexual subjugation of their fibreglass sisters? Why must it once again be us Christians who step in to do the heavy lifting to advance the cause of mannequin rights? The sad lesson in all of this is that female mannequins, as well as the women of the Muslim world, can expect expect the same amount of regard for their well-being from America's feminists: absolutely none.

† Wal-Mart ruins Christmas. Has any company plummeted so far from Grace, and so quickly? It seemed like only yesterday that we could rely on them to stem the tide of World Communism by quashing unionization drives and mom & pop outfits, but then they went totally gay on us. Their latest hit-job on America's values is commercializing Christmas:

The direct targeting of children by advertisers and the encouragement of greed and materialism in young people through advertising media are two of the complaints a pro-family children's advocacy coalition has lodged with regard to a Wal-Mart-sponsored website that helps children build Christmas lists of what they want their parents to buy for them.

The Wal-Mart wish list game at www.toyland.walmart.com features two elves, named "Wally and Marty," who stand near a conveyor belt of toys and ask children whether they want to have the toys for Christmas. From their responses, a list is generated for them that ultimately can be e-mailed to their parents if the children provide the address.

This is Outrageous! Wal-Mart's attempts to sell toys to kids show an abysmal understanding of the Christmas tradition in America. If anything, Wal-Mart should try to reconnect with the original Spirit of the First Christmas, when Joseph and Mary trekked to Bethlehem in staunch support of Israel's treatment of the Palestinians and boycotted the local hotels on account of the easy availability of pornography.

† Orgasms for Osama. Of all the Empty Promises that Feminism has made, the emptiest has to be that if a woman leaves her husband, aborts her children, practices witchcraft, demands pay equity, crops her hair, and becomes a lesbian, she, too will experience orgasms, just like a man. Not only has this wrought immeasurable damage on the Traditional Family, it's become a threat to national security:

Two aging anti-war activists from California took the make-love-not-war mantra to new heights as they declared yesterday “Orgasm for Peace Day” with hopes that the whole world might feel the good vibrations.

“I’ve always said that some of the problems in the Middle East have to do with a lack of pleasure,” said Dr. Judith Silverstein, a Needham-based psychologist and sex therapist who found the protest amusing. “That’s where a lot of the aggression comes from. But I’m not sure this will do much to change that.”

I have no idea how many families were torn asunder by this latest stunt to weaken America's resolve against Islezbofascism, but I guarantee we will be paying the price for this for decades to come. Thanks a lot, liberals. Praise Him!