Edicts of Nancy

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Christless in Seattle

Hello, Christians. I am pleased to announce I narrowly survived three days of Witnessing in the Godless climes of Seattle, the birthplace of contemporary Islezbofascism. If anyone were in need of my Ministry of Faith-Based Cosmetology, it's these wretched Janet Reno clones. Instead of the Praise and Gratitude you would expect my altruism to be met with, however, I was confronted with an orgy of Christian-bashing and America-hatred, the likes of which you simply can not imagine.

Jesus is thinking about where he should establish His practice once He finishes medical school, and LA hasn't exactly embraced my message of Salvation through outer Beauty with the enthusiasm I expected, so we're thinking: Why not take this act on the road? Seattle sounded the same note of possibity with both of us, so we arranged for a missionary expedition to investigate it further. And while I had my misgiving about travelling without 15 pounds of makeup and haircare products, if Our President has decided that my liquid foundation is a threat to the Democracy taking root in the Middle East, then this proud daughter of Freedom would gladly do without.

We touched down Saturday morning and picked up PraisemobileNorth, a Toyota Matrix with the allignment so out of whack I felt like I was reeling in a marlin whenever I had the misfortune of driving it. Since I had already had words with Faisul, the rental car clerk who clearly seethed with hatred for Western Civilization, I realized any further complaints would only have gotten me decapitated on Al Jazeera's morning news broadcast. Luckily we were able to find our hotel quickly (despite my forgetting its name and address), and soon we were protesting its many posh amenities, such as single-ply toilet paper and Showtime 3, an alternate cable television programming universe that is utterly devoid of the concept of celebrity in any form.

It was from the inventively named Seatac area that we made our way north to protest some local attractions. I must say that not even 35 years of life in Los Angeles prepared me for the level of social collapse that happens on a stretch of Interstate 5 between the airport and Seattle's downtown area. Fortunately for me, Jesus gamely steered PraisemobileNorth through these treacherous waters to the Seattle Aquarium, where we encountered the usual anti-American propaganda masquerading as "science." For example, Green Anemones:



Get it? "Green" anemones, in a city that's so "green" it even recycles chewing gum. Clever, isn't it? We also got a blatant reminder of how much liberals literally look up to economy-deadening fish. Here's a tank of their aquatic salmon deities, housed in a tank above our heads:



We worship you, our scaley overlords. We will gladly do without hydroelectric power so you can fornicate in the river.

Since our senses hadn't been fully numbed by that appalling experience, we headed over to a monument installed by Washington Democrats to appease one of their largest and most vocal constituencies, intravenuous drug users. I am speaking, of course, about the Space Needle:



Here's the view of that deathtrap better known as Mount Rainier as seen from the acid-flecked heights of the Space Needle. Jesus tells me that the two white arches on the middle right of the picture is the retractable roof of their stadium, Qwest Field, one of the few venues where heterosexuals can freely congregate:



We also decided to protest a Vietnamese restaurant called Monsoon, whose lychee ice cream is undoubtedly one of The Left's most effective weapons in their recruitment arsenal. Despite my exhaustion, I still felt compelled to conduct some Steve LaBarbera-type research and investigate the state of Nancyhood in Seattle. Sadly, it has been allowed to flourish, as I witnessed shameless displays of the Homosexual Lifestyle at something called Thumper's, as well as that circle of Hell called Cuff. I don't want to talk about it further, and no, there are no pictures.

Sunday we headed off to see old family friends of Jesus' who had relocated to a rural area outside of Bremerton, and then we set out for the Olympic National Forest. Christians, I offer the following photographs not as testament to my skills as a nature photographer, which, as the shakey camera work indicates, I *clearly* do not possess, but rather for their evidentiary value in showing you the unchecked menace that The Left and their chipmunk minions pose to Our Nation. Be afraid, be very afraid:



Lower Big Quilcene Trail, the scene of the crime. Along this hike I saw many Outrages that convinced me that our national forests are teeming with threats to Freedom and would be put to better use by being razed and then developed into luxury condos. Why on earth would The Left want to subject their fellow Americans to the likes of rotting wood


or venomous spiders (once again, apologies for the blurriness)



or deadly falling boulders



or hallucinogenic mushrooms



or poisonous insects



or the notoriously elusive plague-carrying Demon Chipmunk, whose eyes are aglow with the fires of Hell?



Why, because they hate America, and national parks and forests are nothing more than incubators for the moral virus that will ultimately fell Our Mighty Nation.

After coming face to face with so much Evil, we needed time to recuperate, so we took the ferry from Bremerton to Seattle. Here's a picture of the boat's wake -- I was Outraged we weren't dragging a drift net behind us.



Our departing flight had us on a fairly short leash, so we didn't stray too far from the aiport on Monday. Once again we ended up downtown, where we took the underground tour (which convenienty ignored contemporary liberal treacheries such as those perpetrated by Bill Clinton's Unhinged penis) and walked to the Pike Place Market, stopping along the way to protest the Lark in the Morning shop to see what they had in tambourines for next Sunday's service, but instead found a large selection of Middle Eastern instruments such as ouds, sazes, & cumbuses... hmm...

Once I was at the market, I had a mechanical Elvis Presley tells me my fortune for 75 cents:

You are entering a season of romance. Look to the time of the full moon to bring you a soul mate who showers you with roses and true love. Beware of a Scorpio in blue jeans who isn't being completely honest with you, and pay more attention to a Cancer in your life. A bank error in your favor brightens your outlook. Your lucky color is purple.
Nice try, Elvis, but astrology is right up there with chicken entrails as an effective means of divination. Everyone knows it's all in The Bible. No wonder your side is losing the Culture War.

The trip home was uneventful, aside from having to contort myself because of the rotund man spilling over from the seat beside me. I first noticed this shocking disregard for others in the mid-1990's, and it has really spread to become the embodiment of contemporary liberalism: You are to obligated to accomodate my unhealthy decisions because my Godless religion decrees it so. Have you ever heard anything so preposterous?

The purpose of our Mission was to determine whether Jesus & I would want to relocate to Seattle in a few years. In all likelihood, that answer is no. The places we protested didn't lead me to feel that Seattle is that drastically different a city from Los Angeles -- imagine it on a smaller scale, with some of its major flaws airbrushed out. Olympia, however, came highly recommended, and we'll probably be giving the fair citizens of that stronghold of Satanism the once-over some time next year. So consider yourselves warned, moonbats. Praise Him!

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