Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The bluest hair in Texas

Greetings, Christians! I have the proverbial good news & bad news. The bad news is that posting on this blog will probably be light (as in the nonexistent variety of light) until next Tuesday. The good news is that Jesus & I will be in Nuevo Promised Land, Texas, for much of that time. Texas, it goes without saying, is where Jesus called home for the first twenty or so years of His Second Coming, and His parents live there to this day (For the record: Mary lives in Dallas with her fourth husband, Lorenzo, while Joseph lives in Fort Worth).

Naturally we have Big Plans, but I'm not sure how much to divulge. Jesus gets squeamish when I reveal our potential whereabouts on this blog, lest some moonbats intercept us and try to convert us to their asinine liberal worldview with their specious "reasoning," pornography masquerading as literature, etc. That being said, let's just say I'd like to protest Southfork Ranch as well as the establishments that pander to the selfish hedonists of the Oak Lawn neighborhood, tour the majestic George Bush Turnpike, and perhaps get my hair done at one of those elegant salons profiled in Southern Hair. Jesus & Joseph are even talking about going to a firing range for a good old fashioned Tejano peppering. Sign me up!

While I'm there, I'm going to get to the bottom of this alarming story from Prayer Warrior Phyllis Schlafly:
If you don't have access to Texas newspapers or the internet, you may not have heard the sensational news about the enormous cache of weapons just seized in Laredo, Texas. U.S. authorities grabbed two completed Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs), materials for making 33 more, military-style grenades, 26 grenade triggers, large quantities of AK-47 and AR-15 assault rifles, 1,280 rounds of ammunition, silencers, machine gun assembly kits, 300 primers, bullet-proof vests, police scanners, sniper scopes, narcotics, and cash.
Actually, it sounds a lot like the barbecue we went to the last time Jesus & I were in Texas, but I can see why Phyllis would be distressed:
Rep. Tom Tancredo reported that sheriff deputies spotted a military-style Humvee near El Paso, Texas, with a mounted .50-caliber machine gun escorting a caravan of SUVs bringing illegal drugs into our country. Our outgunned and outmanned sheriff deputies and state highway patrol couldn't do anything except take pictures.
It was probably just Governor Schwarzenegger's entourage returning from their latest steroid run to Juarez. Had the border patrol officers waved them down, they probably would have given out their autographs. No worries, Phyllis.

Over and out, Christians, and as that old euphemism goes, "See You Next Tuesday." Praise Him!

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