Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Debbie does dishes

Feminism has made no secret of its desire to see every child in America aborted (or recruited into the homosexual lifestyle), but most people would be shocked to learn that this murderous ideology is also trying to kill the very same women it purports to "liberate." Their diabolical scheme comes to our attention via the BBC, wh0 reports on the link between housework and lessened occurrence of breast cancer:

Women who exercise by doing the housework can reduce their risk of breast cancer, a study suggests.

The research on more than 200,000 women from nine European countries found doing household chores was far more cancer protective than playing sport.

Dusting, mopping and vacuuming was also better than having a physical job.

The women in the Cancer Research UK-funded study spent an average of 16 to 17 hours a week cooking, cleaning and doing the washing.

Clearly the only sane course of action is for the women of America to quit their jobs, stay home, and get pregnant -- with the exception of lesbians and illegal immigrants, of course. The scientists in this study are far too modest to say this, but making women keep house may obviate the need for health insurance altogether -- put that in your bong and smoke it, Hillary!

And what of the true victims of this heinous crime? I am referring to, of course, the men of America, who have been enslaved by feminism into having to occasionally vacuum the living room and put away their laundry. Isn't it enough for them to do a 25% better job than their lazy female coworkers, only to come home and be guilt-tripped by their shrill harridan fishwives into washing dishes? It is to them my heart goes out, and for their welfare that I spotlight this groundbreaking research. Let us hope that this lessens their loads. Praise Him!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry War on Christmas

That gulag better known as Conchita's Unisex Beauty Palace has been closed for three days, so I am once again able to honor the Spirit of Christmas by presenting you with the following gifts of Outrage. I've been meaning to write on some of these for almost two weeks, which is well past their blogging sell-by date, but when you're as deeply committed to the tenets of Christian Cosmetology as I am, you come so see that any slight, regardless of how negligible it may appear at first, can be cultivated into a lustrous pearl of indignation over time. Enjoy.

The War on Christmas Carols. As the Sasha Cohen incident shows us, when Christmas carols are criminalized, only criminals will have Christmas carols. Sadly, that day is already here, as steadfast Prayer Warriors Agape Press offer us a glimpse of the moral decay presently taking root at CBS:
The Monday (December 11) episode of the network's popular sitcom Two and a Half Men featured actor Charlie Sheen singing a song about extramarital sex to the tune of "Joy to the World," a well-known hymn about the birth of Christ. In the parody song, Sheen boasts in anticipation about having sex on Christmas Eve on his second date with a woman.
I think I capture the disbelief of all Americans when I say, "Charlie Sheen still has a series on the air?" When you stop to take a look at the larger picture, however, it makes perfect sense: The political dynasties of The Left will always find cozy sinecures for even their most dimwitted offspring, so what else is there to do for the buffoonish son of Blue State America's favorite president? Fortunately for Our Nation, relief from Hollywood's musical terrorism comes from the College Republicans at Tufts University, who revive the beautiful Yuletide tradition of antagonizing similarly qualified minority applicants.

Feminist Hypocrisy. I know, I know -- "feminist hypocrisy" has become something of a redundancy over the past thirty years. The latest appalling example is the sad plight of the Victoria's Secret mannequins, who must pay the ultimate price of the "If it feels good, do it" ethos promulgated by The Left:
Concerned citizens near Green Oak Township, Michigan, say despite some success already, they plan to continue their letter-writing campaign concerning window displays featuring scantily-clad mannequins at Victoria's Secret in the town mall. The campaign is one part of a two-pronged effort to stem exposure to indecency in the area.

Letters have been written to the store, Victoria's Secret's parent company, mall management, community officials, and business leaders. The letters object to what concerned citizens have labeled "unnecessary exposure to indecent sexual imagery" -- such as mannequins sporting G-strings, bras, nylons, and stiletto high heels. The correspondence also requests a meeting with corporate officials to explain that area citizens feel more modest standards should be reflected in the displays.
Concerned Women of America has been warning us about the menace presented by the global sex trade for years, but I never thought we'd come to see it so brazenly on display in the shopping malls of America's Heartland. Where are the feminists to decry this sexual subjugation of their fibreglass sisters? Why must it once again be us Christians who step in to do the heavy lifting to advance the cause of mannequin rights? The sad lesson in all of this is that female mannequins, as well as the women of the Muslim world, can expect expect the same amount of regard for their well-being from America's feminists: absolutely none.

Wal-Mart ruins Christmas. Has any company plummeted so far from Grace, and so quickly? It seemed like only yesterday that we could rely on them to stem the tide of World Communism by quashing unionization drives and mom & pop outfits, but then they went totally gay on us. Their latest hit-job on America's values is commercializing Christmas:
The direct targeting of children by advertisers and the encouragement of greed and materialism in young people through advertising media are two of the complaints a pro-family children's advocacy coalition has lodged with regard to a Wal-Mart-sponsored website that helps children build Christmas lists of what they want their parents to buy for them.

The Wal-Mart wish list game at www.toyland.walmart.com features two elves, named "Wally and Marty," who stand near a conveyor belt of toys and ask children whether they want to have the toys for Christmas. From their responses, a list is generated for them that ultimately can be e-mailed to their parents if the children provide the address.
This is Outrageous! Wal-Mart's attempts to sell toys to kids show an abysmal understanding of the Christmas tradition in America. If anything, Wal-Mart should try to reconnect with the original Spirit of the First Christmas, when Joseph and Mary trekked to Bethlehem in staunch support of Israel's treatment of the Palestinians and boycotted the local hotels on account of the easy availability of pornography.

Orgasms for Osama. Of all the Empty Promises that Feminism has made, the emptiest has to be that if a woman leaves her husband, aborts her children, practices witchcraft, demands pay equity, crops her hair, and becomes a lesbian, she, too will experience orgasms, just like a man. Not only has this wrought immeasurable damage on the Traditional Family, it's become a threat to national security:
Two aging anti-war activists from California took the make-love-not-war mantra to new heights as they declared yesterday “Orgasm for Peace Day” with hopes that the whole world might feel the good vibrations.

“I’ve always said that some of the problems in the Middle East have to do with a lack of pleasure,” said Dr. Judith Silverstein, a Needham-based psychologist and sex therapist who found the protest amusing. “That’s where a lot of the aggression comes from. But I’m not sure this will do much to change that.”
I have no idea how many families were torn asunder by this latest stunt to weaken America's resolve against Islezbofascism, but I guarantee we will be paying the price for this for decades to come. Thanks a lot, liberals. Praise Him!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This is the way I serve my sentence

Well, the remodel/Christian persecution campaign is in full swing at the Beauty Palace. Aside from my regular duties, I've now been designated as the one to "assist" (as in doing all the work myself) the stylists in moving from one chair to the next while each station undergoes refinishing. Though I'm certainly unhappy about being unable to blog at work (and about being too tired to do it once I get home), the ultimate loser in this miserable shell game is Freedom itself, since Our Nation goes hungry for the teachings of Nancy Beth while I am under this bondage. Conchita's one act of clemency through this whole ordeal was not making me be the one to get here at 5 a.m. to let the contractors in. Lan, one of the manicurists, actually volunteered(!) to do this. It seems that getting up early and showing up for work on time are among the stranger dictates of her Third World religion. It's a good thing the Vietnamese aren't a couple of inches taller, because they would probably rule the world.

If the "additional duties as assigned" I'm now forced to perform weren't enough to put this place on some human rights watchlist, I'm also forced to endure frequent squalls of noise from a drills and belt sanders, cat-calls from a work crew with questionable documentation status who can't keep their eyes off me, and a militant homosexual contractor with an English accent -- in short, I've been plunged into a searing vision of Hell straight from the imaginings of Merchant-Ivory. Naturally, the contractor can't help but try to drag me into his anti-Bush harangues. "Supposed to be another nice day today," he started in with me today while lingering around the reception desk.

I wasn't having it. "I suppose, if you consider warm and sunny to be nice weather," I said curtly, and promptly refocused my attention to the important business of untangling a ball of rubber bands and bobby pins.

After what seemed like an eternity, Conchita finally waddled her fat ass out of her office and up to my desk. "Your receptionist's keeping me quite entertained here," he said merrily as he handed her his clipboard, to which Conchita responded dryly, "Yes, she does that." Fuck you, Conchita.
Lest you think that life has been nothing but pain and suffering for Christians in a post-11/7 America, Jesus and I did manage to get to the LA Auto Show for a full evening of hearty protesting. For my next Praisemobile, I'll be choosing it on the basis of how well the vanity mirror on the back of the sun visor allows me to indulge in the ultimate expression of my Faith: applying my makeup. The research was painstaking (you don't know how many 8 year olds I had to shoo out of the driver's seat), but I can say with confidence that the frontrunner for Praisemobile 2008 is the Cadillac Escalade, whose mammoth proportions even translate over to the mirror: It must have been 4 by 6 inches, with lights on both the left and the right. Similarly impressive was the Audi A6, which offered the standard mirror in addition to A MAGNIFYING ONE!!! that slides behind it. And even Subaru, noted for its loyal clientele of lesbians, seems to have seen The Light: Their Forester has a small loop above the mirror designed specifically for holding lip liners and eyebrow pencils -- ingenious! The evening's biggest disappointment was the Hummer H2, which, despite a Rapture-inducing 11 mpg highway, had a chintzy little mirror (1" x 3") that seemed more at home in an '82 Toyota Tercel rather than Our Lord's Chariot. Since the driver-side mirror is the size of my head, though, I suppose I could just stick my head out the window, if traffic isn't too heavy.
A lot has happened since I last posted that must sadly go unremarked upon -- John Kerry's impregnating Mary Cheney, The Left's diabolical campaign to turn America into a nation of cocksuckers through soy-based products. But do not confuse silence with submission. As far as I'm concerned, this blog is still a going concern, and I will add my glorious contralto to the choir of Christian disapproval whenever the opportunity presents itself. Praise Him!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Hu-go, girl!

I've long wondered if The Left's amazing ability to completely miss the point about Everything was the result of the willful obfuscation of facts, or merely some congenital birth defect that keeps them from being able to see the post 9/11 world clearly. The latest example of this cluelessness comes via Whore of Heresy Glenn Greenwald, who spins the reelection of Hugo Chavez as some sort repudiation of Our President's Glorious foreign policy:
There are obviously other issues that account for the support which the Venezuelan poor give to Chavez, but people whose foreign policy vision consists of alienating our allies, changing other countries' governments at will, and invading whomever we want shouldn't really be that surprised when anti-American sentiment is a potent electoral tool.
Silly rabbit. Were he not so blinded by his irrational Bush hatred, or perhaps if he tried to love America for a change, Greenwald would recognize that the biggest winner in the Venezuelan elections was conservatism! It isn't that the people of Venezuela actually support financing social services for the poor and rejecting imperialism 61% to 38%, it's that they so believe in the upward redistribution of wealth and the justness of the GWOT that they were reluctant to vote for candidates who they were uncertain shared the depths of their convictions. Just don't expect MSM to tell you that. Praise Him!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Weekly recap

Hello again, Christians! I've been trying to get the old fires of Outrage blazing again, but my fat liberal bitch boss Conchita has had other plans for me. The Beauty Palace is in the midst of some remodeling, and the guiding design principle Conchita and her contractor seem to have set out with was "What will be most disruptive to Nancy Beth's blogging comeback?" Well, they've succeeded beyond their wildest imaginings, as I've been so busy with packing up boxes of hair gel and setting lotion for those lazy stylists that most of my Prayer Warriors' offerings have gone unread. If only the rest of the world were so occupied! Before liberal spin ossifies into historical fact, I feel I owe it to Freedom-lovers the world over to weigh in on the following events of this week:

MSM undermines the Global War on Terror - again. Is there no news outlet that won't resort to treason to sabotage Our President's quest to liberate the Arab world from the tyranny of their nationalized oil industries? We can now add Matt Lauer, the affable Adolph Hitler of morning news, to the list of traitors that includes USA Today, the New York Times, Teen People, Reuters, CBS, Highlights for Children, and AP. Herr Lauer declared earlier this week that NBC would refer to the untidiness in Iraq as a "civil war" -- as if it were such a bad thing. It took the United States 85 years to get around to having its first civil war, yet under the bold leadership of Our President, Iraq has managed to have theirs in only three. The Iraqis clearly have their purple fingers on the fast-forward button of Freedom, yet as an appalling example of how completely liberal media manipulates public opinion, this is somehow seen as an unfavorable turn of events. Disgraceful!

Cuisine of death. Forgotten in the stampede to report the horrifying details of the mother who put her baby in a microwave is the identity of the true perpetrators of this crime: Feminists. If Hillary and her lesbian sisterhood hadn't forced every heterosexual woman in America out of their kitchens and into dead-end jobs like mine, the need for microwaves and convenience foods wouldn't exist, and this child could have faced a far more pleasant death in a crockpot or convection oven. But don't expect MSM to tell you that. What's more, The Left's culinary assault on America's Traditional Families won't stop with killing infants. They also want to turn Our Nation's adolescent boys into a roving gang of exhibitionists, as the recent story about the naked fast food patron clearly shows:
A teen accused of ordering from at least three fast food drive-thrus nude faces an indecent exposure charge. David Gatton, 18, of Columbia City, was found in the parking lot of a McDonald's by a sheriff's deputy after police received a call that the teen had been nude when he ordered from his car at the Arby's drive-thru, police said.
If America hadn't acceded to the feminists' demands for workplace equality, this young man could have pleasured himself in the family bathroom in between the three square meals his mother prepared for him. Instead, we foolishly tried negotiating with the terrorists, and set loose an epidemic of hungry teenage masturbators on America's streets as a result.

GWB - Still the One. Despite the conventional wisdom that America's Christians are disenchanted with the commanding vision Our President, Agape Press is still carrying the torch for our finest statesman:
...A noted theologian says overall, the presidency of George W. Bush has stayed true to biblical principles. Wayne Grudem made a presentation during the recent meeting of the Evangelical Theological Society in Washington, DC. Grudem rated the Bush presidency on ten issues -- such as protection of life, human dignity, the war on terror, and others. He says President Bush has consistently upheld biblical views on a several issues: "I thought he had done well with regard to his stances on marriage and the family -- his support for marriage between a man and a woman -- the aggressive prosecution of pornography under his administration and the Attorney General's Office, [and] removing the marriage penalty in the tax code." Grudem also shared that he felt Bush should received "really high marks" in his use of the power of the government to defend the nation against terrorism. "I did think that the attacks against nations that harbor terrorists in other countries fit the criteria for 'just war,' according to biblical principles," he said. Grudem, a research professor of Bible and theology at Phoenix Seminary in Arizona, criticized the president regarding government spending and the McCain-Feingold bill that limited campaign contributions.
Glory! I thought I'd have to wait several generations before theologians would come to revere President Bush's nearly Augustinian approach to privatizing Social Security and giving federal land grants to corporations, but that day is here. Care to reassess your Worst President Ever award, Rolling Stone? Praise Him!