Your Hate Parade

New Year's Day is when Our Nation's metaphorical testes drop, much like the Times Square ball, and we renew our committment to manliness through such brutishly heterosexual pursuits as resolving to improve our figures, sipping mimosas at brunch, and watching beauty queens wave from floats covered in rose petals. Disrupting this cycle of masculinity would make The Left happier than Pajama Boy at the Lancome counter at Macy's. Unsurprisingly, their minions are hard at work raining The Gay down on our parade:

Anti-LGBT activists and other right-wing conservatives are calling for a boycott of the 2014 Rose Parade because of a parade float that will feature the wedding of a same-sex couple.

CBS Los Angeles reported on Monday that Aubrey Loots and Danny LeClair plan to formalize their partnership of 12 years atop a float sponsored by the AIDS Health Foundation in this year’s parade.

The two will be the first same-sex couple to get married in the parade. On its Facebook Page, the foundation announced that the two men will be married on top of a float made of thousands of flowers shaped into a white wedding cake. The float will be one of 45 featured in this year’s Rose Parade, a tradition that dates back 125 years.

The depths to which these people will sink to further their perverted agenda is truly appalling. Not only are they mocking the Sacred institution of marriage, but they're even defiling our Holiest pastries! I'm pretty sure the Freedom of assembly guarantees me the right not to see two dudes kissing when I go to a parade. If radical homosexual activists insist on pushing their agenda down our throats, they shouldn't be surpised to find out how resoundingly unpopular it really is. Praise Him!

Locks & the Social Contract

For centuries, Our Heavenly Father Blessed Our Nation for adhering to traditional Christians values in personal grooming with prosperity and military victories over the evil-doers, unlike the French, whose women's unshorn pits have resulted in countless military losses. This all changed when Bill & Hillary C. ushered in "The Sixties," in which the radical deviation from Judeo-Christian standards of hygiene led to our defeat at the cameltoes of Jane Fonda and her leotard-clad Viet Cong insurgents.

This malaise isn't limited to the battlefield. As liberals convince ladies to spend less time exalting Our Creator with hairstyles in keeping with Christian Womanhood, our businesses, except for brief periods under the Reagan and Bush II presidencies, have lost their competitive edge. The latest example of this is taking place at BP, where The Left is kneecapping this upstanding global citizen with politically correct hairdos:

A black woman says she was fired from British Petroleum (BP) for wearing a dashiki and for wearing her hair in braids.

Melphine Evans was a vice president and CFO for two BP ofshoots. Now, she is suing those companies and nine individuals, saying she was told that how she dressed was only appropriate “during ‘culture day,’ black history month or special diversity events/days,” and that it was making her colleagues “uncomfortable.” ...

Still, in her 24-page lawsuit filed with the Orange County Superior Court this week, Evans says that her supervisor told her, “‘You intimidate and make your colleagues uncomfortable by wearing ethnic clothing and ethnic hairstyles,” according to Courthouse News. Her so-called “ethnic hairstyles” were braids or twists, common ways for an African American woman to wear her hair.

“If you are going to wear ethnic clothing, you should alert people in advance that you will be wearing something ethnic,” Evans says she was told.

As someone who lives in constant fear of hoodies-clad hooligans wielding fun-packs of Skittles, I understand this supervisor's defensiveness. When will black people realize that they could have ended racism long ago if they quit insisting on making white folk uncomfortable?

Aside from the detrimental effects this woman's braids had on capitalism, I can't help but wonder how they may have led to the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010. Who's to say that her coworkers weren't so threatened by her menacing weave and bold tribal prints that they couldn't adequately perform the functions of their job? Liberals love to blame the petroleum industry for these sorts of environmental catastrophes, but the truth of the matter is that their nihilistic denigration of the Canonical hairstyles of Nancy Reagan and Sarah Palin is what's causing the world's ecological woes. Only by returning to the Values reflected in the tresses of our foremothers can we hope to return Our Nation to its former Glory. Praise Him!

Bleeding Is Fundamental

Perhaps I should take solace in how predictable the totalitarian impulse of The Left is. They will take another mass Freedom event:

Four people were killed and five wounded on Friday morning as a gunman, dressed in black and carrying an assault rifle, strode across Santa Monica firing at people, cars, a public bus and buildings before being shot and killed by the police at the Santa Monica College Library, the authorities said.

and turn it into renewed call for restricting our God-Granted right to bear arms.

Conveniently overlooked -- again -- is the real cause of this tragedy: libraries. Rather than stocking their shelves with the useful and valuable firearms that would actually benefit their communities, librarians have instead chosen to fill their facilities with worthless items like books, dvds, and internet access for perverts. How can we reasonably expect a group of children to defend themselves against some misguided Patriot if all they have to throw at him are feltboard puppets? Our Heavenly Father has Blessed us with a capitalist system that makes the Second Amendment accessible to even the tiniest digits. Until libraries begin taking their responsibilities to their communities seriously, Our Nation will remain awash in the blood of the innocents. Praise Him!

White Woman's Burden

Ann Romney may not be a Christian, but at least she's white, which is a lot more than we can say for some of these uppity bitches we've had the misfortune to call "First" "Lady" recently. The other day she offered us a glimmer of hope (of the non-negroid persuasion, naturally) that the universe may finally be restored to its rightful order by once again bringing the Word --  previously brought by Divine Messenger George W. Bush -- that presidentin' is hard work:

Amid ongoing criticism over the management of her husband's presidential campaign, Ann Romney on Thursday responded to the critics in an interview on Radio Iowa: "Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring," she said.

"This is hard and, you know, it's an important thing that we're doing right now and it's an important election and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt's qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country," Romney said.

You people really should be more grateful that a man of Mitt Romney's caliber is willing to forego his executive salary for a few years in order to wean you off the government teat.  I personally can barely sleep at night knowing that Ann Romney is now so busy on the campaign trail that she probably needs to pay someone to pay someone to ride her disco therapy horse.

Christians (and reasonable facsimiles thereof), take succor in knowing that the Nobamas may soon be sent packing back to their Blue State hellhole and we'll be able to once again enjoy the Values that are part and parcel of a Republican administration: war in the Middle East, health care for those who deserve it, and the Freedom to tithe to our Job Creators. Praise Him!

Still Negroid After All These Years

Thus spake Mama Grizzly:

The half-term Alaska governor replied: “I thought so in 2008 and that’s why I went rogue, if you will, and disagreed with some of John McCain’s advisers when they said, no, a lot of these issues like past associations and Rev. Wright and Bill Ayers and those that helped shape Obama’s world view needed to be off the table and not discussed. I disagreed then, I disagree now.”

“Barack Obama in 2008 was an empty vessel,” she continued. “The public did not know who or what filled this vessel in order to create what has become a very confused and mission and visionless leader for our country. Well, now it’s not too late to change course and this next go around understand what has filled up that vessel. Who are these people? Who are the radicals, the Marxist professors that he said he would hang out with, some of his friends and associations.”

As you are well aware, lamestream media has subjected the secret relationship between Rev. Jeremiah Wright & the dark prince Barack Hussein to an unprecedented news blackout... with the exception of those two months of nonstop coverage between March and May 2008. In doing so, they are robbing Our Nation of the opportunity to fully understand the dangerously radical ideology that animates all "President" Obama's treasonous actions: he's black, by and large. Sadly, this is evident only to the keenest minds of our public conservative intellectuals, like Rush Limbaugh & Sarah Palin, but hopefully Mitt will follow the sage counsel of Governor Palin and subject this little understood phenomenon to some public scrutiny once and for all. Praise Him!

Whiter Shade of Pale

While the Republicans have my utmost Devotion for their tireless defense of Traditional Values, I am sometimes embarrassed by an apparent lack of basic scientific knowledge. Take, for instance, the recent comments by Rep. James Lankford (R-OK), who argues that homosexuality, unlike race, is a mutable trait:

Well, you’re now dealing with behavior and I’m trying to figure out exactly what you’re trying to mean by that. Because you’re dealing with — race and sexual preferences are two different things. One is a behavior-related and preference-related and one is something inherently — skin color, something obvious, that kind of stuff. You don’t walk up to someone on the street and look at them and say, “Gay or straight?”

What the good congressman is unaware of is that, thanks to important developments in the glamour technologies, being black is a choice as well. Skin bleaching ointments offer the promise of whiteness to anyone who is willing to do the hard work of repeated daily applications, whether they be African-"American" or heathen Chinee. America's racial tensions could be a thing of the past if those shiftless minorities would only get with the program.

Even more exciting is the promise that the skilled application of beauty products could have on reversing homosexuality, at least as it relates to the Evil practice of lesbianism (the gents are another story, as it seems to have the opposite effect). It's widely known that our Sapphic friends are to makeup as vampires are to sunlight, to get all PSAT on your asses. If only they were compelled to apply some lipstick and a little bit of blush, the boys might think they're pretty, and then they'd abandon their manly pursuits and have babies. It's outcomes like this that make me think that we should be teaching cosmetology in school, rather than liberal junk science like "biology" or "physics." But, given the liberal stranglehold on education, that's no more likely to happen than a Christian being elected president. Praise Him!

Whitney With an Upsilon

Because of their intense hatred for the stability of the conventional family, radical homosexual activists worship troubled divas with a history of drug and relationship problems. Homosexuals reacted to the death of Judy Garland by violently rioting for the past 43 years. And in Greece, the birthplace of homosexuality, we are seeing the same sort of lawlessness after the death of Whitney Houston:

Lawmakers in Greece voted early Monday to approve another round of austerity measures, sought in return for a new eurozone bailout of the debt-stricken country, while protests raged in the streets.

As lawmakers debated, police turned tear gas and stun grenades on demonstrators outside Greece's Parliament. Several buildings, including a bank, cafes and a movie theater, in Athens were set ablaze.

The complaints of the Greek homos, if you'll pardon the redundancy, assert that austerity measures harm the people least responsible for the financial crisis. This mirrors the Occupy Wall Street message, leaving me to wonder: Are the OWS protesters actually a giant group of dick-suckers? Is the social safety net they're so adamant about preserving actually a giant sling, like the ones found in their perverted sex clubs, by which they will violate Our Nation's hershey-hole? Obviously these are the ramifications that the liberal media won't tell you about, leaving it to us courageous conservative bloggers to tell you the harsh truths: If America is to have any chance of enjoying the robust economic growth of the Bush administration and preserve its Christian heritage, we need to start shrinking the economy, severely, through budget cuts to the sick and poor. It's what Our Lord Himself has decreed. Praise Him!