The Lord is my beautician, I shall not be overly matronly

Sister Nancy Beth is devoted to spreading The Word ® through cosmetics, so even my fellow conservatives should expect to feel the sting of my lash if their punditry crosses the line into heresy. Case in point is Townhall's Kathleen Parker, who offers her friends the Amish this lovely little nosegay of prose:

The Amish culture is most alien to us moderns in its patriarchal family structure. The battle of the sexes doesn't exist, as gender and sex are not allowed to be controversial. Men have ultimate moral authority, and few would disagree that life is balanced unfairly for females, who often work double shifts, both helping with outdoor chores and tending to home and children. ...

But as odd as the Amish life may seem to us, ours is beyond weird to them. What we take for granted as rights and choices are mortal sins to them. Divorce is taboo and abortion unheard of. Children aren't shuttled off to day care, and the elderly die at home with family.

With this unflinching committment to traditional values like marriage and child labor and this patriarchy business, it sounds absolutely Eden-like, doesn't it? I was so enchanted by this description that I overlooked one small detail in Kathleen's piece (my emphasis added):

Most people probably couldn't handle much of Amish life. No electricity, no telephone, no cars, no computers, no CDs or cell phones, no iPods, no Internet, no makeup, no tasteful highlights, no jewelry, no Manolos. Plain doesn't come any plainer than this.

It seems to me these Amish people are due for a remedial theology lesson, Nancy Beth-style. So check it, folks, it goes like this: Ever since Eve got Adam and herself expelled from the Garden, womankind has been looking for a way to restore herself to her unblemished, pre-Fall condition. Makeup makes this possible. Even the word itself, makeup, refers to its redemptive powers. Denying ourselves cosmetics is forcing us to live apart from Christ in a morally degraded state -- like Vermont. If, in the Amish world view, wearing makeup is wrong, I don't want to be right. Praise Him!