Edicts of Nancy

The blogosphere's most persecuted Christian!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I'll get you, my pretties... later

Sister Nancy Beth hasn't much felt like slaying the blogosphere lately, mainly on account of an energy-draining cold that will -- should the old pattern holds true -- blossom into a painful sinus infection that will have me on antibiotics for 10 days. If I feel like slaying anything, it's these damn production crews that litter the streets of Downtown Los Angeles, impeding the flow of Sister Nancy Beth as she tries to run her lunch-hour errands.

Today's nemeses was a phalanx of production assistants, extras, and some befuddled asshole trying to put a Ferrari in reverse - clearly must-see tv in the making, at least for the mentally retarded. It didn't have to be so unpleasant; in fact, it started promisingly enough, with the first muscular p.a. who blocked the sidewalk serving as, Sister Nancy Beth would hope, an appetizer, offering a glimpse of more beefcake in tight shirts to come. "Aren't you in gay porn?" I wanted to ask him. Well, that fantasy was quickly dispelled, as I was nearly clipped by the Ferrari. I was tempted to run up to some cops and ask them, "Did you see that?" I then had the horrible realization that this gang of fat pigs hoarding around the curbside craft services table and gorging themselves on Atkins-hostile foodstuffs was nothing more than a group of costumed extras, blocking my way as well as countless others', and completely oblivious to what happened or what an impediment to foot traffic they presented tothe rest of the city. The temptation to call the police disappeared once I saw LAPD had already stationed someone on scene -- the same fat, mustachioed old guy sitting on his motorcycle who's at all of these clusterfucks.

After I had walked half a block away, I heard a very large crash. I vainly hoped the Ferrari might have squashed a few of the production rats, but it was probably just the construction crew that's been refurbishing the old Aloha restaurant on Grand.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Holy spirits and otherwise

Sister Nancy Beth was pleased as punch to see that the Vatican is offering courses on exorcism to its priests - perhaps my local parish will offer Learning Annex-style courses to us in the laity. I personally attribute my many years as a selfish hedonist to being possessed by a fornicating demon, and if exorcists were as abundant as tanning salons here in West Hollywood, I'm sure I could have started on my path of doing the Lord's work decades ago.

On the topic of education, Sister Nancy Beth has great aspirations, and someday I hope to attain the equivalent of a high school diploma. With this in mind, I was poking around UCLA's website for the names of biology professors so I could email them pictures of dismembered pre-children to lovingly dissuade them from participating in stem-cell research. At some point, the term "biology" has become passe, because it doesn't show up anywhere on their roster of departments - this ivory tower has been hijacked by perverts offering courses in "oral biology" and urology (and hopefully never the twain shall meet). What's more outrageous is that a university as prestigious as UCLA doesn't even have a cosmetology department! After I make my millions, I'm going to be sure to leave a large enough endowment to found the Sister Nancy Beth Eczema School for the Cosmetological Arts, and offer degrees in waxing, man/ped, and coiffure.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The continuing crusade

The shape of the crescent is offensive to our God, as was made evident by His recent destruction of "Crescent City." Naturally I am delighted that Heartland values triumphed over the unholy union of landscape architects and militant Islamists, though I still worry for the future of our Republic. White children still risk being exposed to this graven image on calendars, on suitcases, in breakfast cereals, and utility bills. Sharpen those pencils, my fellow Christian fuss-budgets, for our work is hardly finished.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

the missionary position

I am Sister Nancy Beth Eczema, the blogosphere's mighty slayer, as well as its savior. Tremble, those of you who read my fearsome words, and know that Sister Nancy Beth doesn't take any shit from anybody, except for my husband, my employer, West Hollywood's parking enforcement division, and that insufferably rude bitch Tashawna at SBC, but I'm going to write a letter to her supervisor. Everyone else will bow to my will.