Whiter Shade of Pale

While the Republicans have my utmost Devotion for their tireless defense of Traditional Values, I am sometimes embarrassed by an apparent lack of basic scientific knowledge. Take, for instance, the recent comments by Rep. James Lankford (R-OK), who argues that homosexuality, unlike race, is a mutable trait:

Well, you’re now dealing with behavior and I’m trying to figure out exactly what you’re trying to mean by that. Because you’re dealing with — race and sexual preferences are two different things. One is a behavior-related and preference-related and one is something inherently — skin color, something obvious, that kind of stuff. You don’t walk up to someone on the street and look at them and say, “Gay or straight?”

What the good congressman is unaware of is that, thanks to important developments in the glamour technologies, being black is a choice as well. Skin bleaching ointments offer the promise of whiteness to anyone who is willing to do the hard work of repeated daily applications, whether they be African-"American" or heathen Chinee. America's racial tensions could be a thing of the past if those shiftless minorities would only get with the program.

Even more exciting is the promise that the skilled application of beauty products could have on reversing homosexuality, at least as it relates to the Evil practice of lesbianism (the gents are another story, as it seems to have the opposite effect). It's widely known that our Sapphic friends are to makeup as vampires are to sunlight, to get all PSAT on your asses. If only they were compelled to apply some lipstick and a little bit of blush, the boys might think they're pretty, and then they'd abandon their manly pursuits and have babies. It's outcomes like this that make me think that we should be teaching cosmetology in school, rather than liberal junk science like "biology" or "physics." But, given the liberal stranglehold on education, that's no more likely to happen than a Christian being elected president. Praise Him!